Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
MJ's Toxic Vent
January 26, 2006
1:44 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello Everyone! I cannot believe all the warmth and compassion that you have shared with me. Thank YOU so much. Today I am in bed with the flu and felt like coming upstairs and I am glad that I did. When I get well I want to respond to all your love.

So good to see you again FREE. Oh MY God. How are YOU? I always wonder about you and hope that you continue to heal and be safe. Love To ALL

January 26, 2006
4:12 pm
Avatar
tooscared
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 21
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I hope you feel better soon MJ. You deserve the warmth, compassion, and support as you are a good friend and a caring person. Be kind to yourself and just get better.

Love, TS

January 26, 2006
4:22 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

MJ,

I am sorry for all the misery you're going thru, yet so glad for the amount of love and support you're getting from every one here.

I do not have lots of words of wisdom here except that I can keep you in my daily prayers hoping that things will get better soon!

(((Hugs)))

January 26, 2006
5:48 pm
Avatar
tracylyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ahhh MJ - I hope you are feeling better soon.

My thoughts - it's your body's way of saying slow down, regroup, take care of you and if you aren't going to do it.....your body is now forcing you to!!! Food for thought???

Love ya

t

January 27, 2006
4:37 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Love to all

I am restless tonight. I am upset with my husband. I am upstairs tonight in the guestroom. Contemplating the decisions I have made.

January 27, 2006
5:02 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kathygy, Thanks for sharing your experiences with me.
I am thinking about your questions.
I get a roof over my head from this marriage. I had a nicer roof over my head before my marriage.

What needs does my husband meet? Lately none.

Do I respect my husband? At times I respect and admire his good qualities.

January 27, 2006
5:09 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Eve,
Thanks for writing and provoking some thoughts. I am not included in any of the decision making regarding his mother. Today, My hubby spent the day away and when he returned he went to his mom's bank and got his name on everything to help her with her bill paying. He communicated all about her improvements and problems as I lay in bed sick. No sensitivity at all to my "I don't care". He did make me a bowl of soup before he left at noon. When he got home at 6 he brought me pizza for dinner and creme rinse. He left me alone until midnight when I finally went out to the living room and asked why he was avoiding me. Then I did my passive thing and came upstairs. Now I can't sleep and I know he is doing just great. What is so silly about resentment and anger it hurts me not him.

January 27, 2006
5:11 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bottom line is I am in charge of my own happiness. I will get over this flu and I will feel stronger and I can take care of myself.

January 27, 2006
5:16 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I guess I need to focus on the positive. I feel very blessed by all your love and support. I have a safe place to come and vent and support and be supported.

Thanks Tracylyn for the reminder and love! Thanks Rasputin for the much needed hug! Thanks Free Spirit for reaching out and sharing your sweetness. TS...Thanks for being a True Friend. Love to All and Tomorrows a new day! Good Night.

January 27, 2006
8:39 am
Avatar
tooscared
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 21
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It is hard to stay focused on the positive when you are surrounded by the negativity of your hubby all the time. It takes so little for someone just to show a little compassion or kindness and it means so much. I wish your hubby could just realize that a kind word and love goes a long ways.

Hugs dear friend. It sucks when you should be #1 in your hubby's life and not his mother.

Love you, TS

January 27, 2006
4:06 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks TS for understanding.

January 27, 2006
4:48 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

MJ

I am sooo interested in this thread of your's. My brother is in the same mother-bonded relationship with my mother.
For so long I told her she is destroying his life. He is 36 and not married. He has to break with her emotionally..

I got something from soulwork.net

Please read throught it and give me your opinion.

Continued from: The Little Prince (Part 2)
Part 1 ... If a lonely Mother must see her son as special, Mother rewards Son for his specialness, and Son rewards Mother by being special. Son may retreat into fantasy.
Part 2 ...The young man follows predictable relationship behavior - an inability to commit to a stable, long-term relationship - except with women who are like Mother. Mother-bonded men need help.

Little Prince's Lovers
A Mother's Little Prince is attracted to father-bonded women - to Daddy's Princess. They can recognize each other across a crowded room. They may describe love at first sight.

I fell in love ... it really was love at first sight. Everything was wonderful until our wedding day. Then things went downhill. He kept visiting his mother so I started having affairs. During Soulwork I realized that we could have made things right and that I pushed him away. I realized that my mother had done exactly the same with my father, who I always loved. I was repeating her drama. I couldn't let myself be happier than my mother... Now I can. FL, New York, 2004

Codependence cannot survive responsibilities and life challenges. If one partner grows up - the other experiences crisis. One or both partners may seek sexual affairs or create a child, as they attempt to regain their lost special-ness.

The birth of a child may begin a new cycle. The new Mother may discover that her Son is the special male that she always sought; or the new Father may super-bond to his wonderfully dependent Daughter. This predictable suffering may span generations - and can be predicted for unborn children!

If either partner in a codependent relationship finds happiness, the other partner may suffer crisis. Independent happiness is a threat to codependence. A hint of happiness from one partner may motivate withdrawal, threats, victim games or demands from the other.

Mother-bonded men will likely repeat this pattern in subsequent relationships. They may seek intimate or sexual affairs, they may become love addicts or sex addicts, or they may distract themselves with alcohol, drugs or obsessions. Few macho men can let go of their mothers' skirts.

Other People's Partnerships
Mother-bonded men may try to seduce the wives or girlfriends of friends and colleagues. Committed relationships are an interesting challenge to their manhood - and a repetition of the drama with their parents. They may fantasize about or arrange wife-swapping or group sex. Expect temper displays, sulking or violence if they don't get a woman they want ... and short-term affairs if they do.

Many mother-bonded men eventually withdraw into a reclusive life or join a men-only organization to find themselves. Mother-bonded men often seek a loving Father or a lost boy. Expect to find mother-bonded men probing the religions and gurus of the world - endlessly searching for an authentic experience of fatherhood. They may be fascinated by bisexuality or homosexuality. They often focus on pleasure - but not happiness.

If a mother-bond is replaced by a same-sex obsession, expect homosexual fantasies as a man asks "Where is my Father?". This may motivate promiscuous homosexuality (and a risk of AIDS) - or violent homophobic behavior if a man represses homosexual fantasies.

My father left when I was 10 ... I was my mother's best friend. She even asked my advice on her underwear. We did everything together. I was shattered when she re-married and I could hardly look at her new husband, even though he was good to me. I left school to work in a garage. At age 18 I moved in with a divorced woman aged 27. When she left me for a man her own age, I tried to kill myself. I am now alcoholic. When can I get Soulwork? MG New Jersey

Summary of Parent-Child Codependence
Parent-child codependence creates predictable patterns of emotional incest. The most common forms may be Mother-Son and Father -Daughter. The consequences include enormous suffering: depression, unhappy marriages, divorce, obsessions, addictions, homosexuality and cult membership.

My wife and I were happily married for 18 years and we have four children. My wife recently reunited with her son that she gave for adoption when she was 17. He is both dominant and possessive. He spends each day, evening and some nights with my wife and seems to replace me as her husband. She sleeps with him in his room with the door locked. Florida, USA, 2003

Solutions for a Little Prince
Emotional incest may include entanglements between brothers and sisters, grandparents and other family members. Mother-son entanglement is normal in many cultures, and attempts to change may be resisted by family members. Emotional incest seems to be more common in Mediterranean Europe, and amongst their descendents in America, Canada and Australia.

Dissolving family entanglements with systemic coaching can bring peace and freedom. Yet, as a mother-bonded man becomes aware of his suffering, and the suffering of his partner and children, he may angrily reject evidence of his sickness as stupid ideas.

Women who support a Little Prince's specialness are often father-bonded . There is no shortage of women seeking immature male partners! Such women also avoid healthy relationships and prefer the drama of codependence, serial affairs, or the peace of isolation.

Getting Over a Little Prince
Women with immature male partners might recognize these symptoms and want to help their partners. If you are a woman who prefers immature men, first look at your own relationship patterns. Do you need a man that you can mother? Are you following your mother's drama? Are you only attracted to mother-bonded men?

Tell me what you can see????

I do not know why I have the URGE to understand my brother.

January 27, 2006
5:31 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

MJ

I see you are sick. Hope your feeling better.

Please ignore the thread I send if you feel I have been unfair.

I need answers to my brothers behaviour and was just thinking.

What am I doing???

Its his life not mine. I have told him in the past to break from my mother emotionally in order to have a healthy life and relationship.

I do not know why I needed to get so involved.

I think the fact that his hurt so many women emotionally just made me crazy.

In any case......

Will catch up with you later

Love

Garfield

January 27, 2006
7:23 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Garfield,
I read it! A for Effort.

Let me contemplate what you are asking!

January 27, 2006
7:38 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Systemic Solutions for Emotional Incest
Systemic Relationship Coaching ... Systemic Coach Training

Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma? Do you suffer from your parents' drama or your partner's demands? Soulwork can help you untangle your life.

Do you suffer from Emotional Incest?
Life and death; sickness and health; suffering and happiness are relationship issues that reflect how members of human systems (such as couples, families and teams) behave and communicate.

The symptoms of emotional incest center around identity loss - lost access to human qualities and emotions. Identity loss is also a common consequence of trauma, physical incest, abuse and cult membership. A common symptom of identity loss is an inability to define what you want. Other symptoms are:

Relationship Bonds: You are bonded to another person - you lose independence
Identification: You "follow" a role model - you live someone else's life
Identity Conflict: Your behavior swings between two poles - you live in endless conflict
Lost Identity: You cannot express your "sense of self" - your life may have little meaning
Emotional incest results when a person loves a family member as a replacement or substitute for a partner. If you are affected by emotional incest, you can free yourself - or your family suffers.

Emotional incest spans generations. There is no one person to blame. It reflects chains of suffering going back into family history. If entangled people do not recognize the symptoms of emotional incest, become aware of their role in it, and end it - these chains of suffering will likely continue into future generations. Your children may suffer, carrying your burden.

Do you want alleviate the consequences of emotional entanglements? Do you want to control ...

sexual abuse
physical disease symptoms
mental disease symptoms
toxic partnership patterns
attachment disorders
consequences of romantic affairs
addiction, obsession & compulsion
stress disorders
learning disabilities
sexual dysfunction
little business or financial success
parental alienation syndrome
consequences of abortions
teenage girls in crisis

Garfield....This jumped off the page at me when I went to that site.

You may be on to something with this site. Thanks for sharing this.

First of all let me say that you cannot change anyone but yourself. Your brother who has never been married may not want to change. Just like you pointed out to me that my husband will probably never change. He is 57 years old. I think he is very set in his ways. If your brother desires to change like you did then he will have an excellent role model in yourself.

So.... I am beginning to look at my attraction to MAMMA's Boys. I have loved several in my lifetime. I had never even notice the pattern until you pointed me in that direction and I am still smiling about the terminology. Why? I don't know but it makes me smile! Thanks for sharing.

January 27, 2006
7:44 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield, more obsessive thoughts ;0

My husbands mother was adopted. She does not know her biological parents. She had a son who she didn't let know who is biological parent was wrong until he was 50. In your article, it states that this phenomenon of mother/son can be carried over many generations. So how is your mothers family in carrying this behavior pattern. Notice anything with your moms parents or siblings?

January 27, 2006
7:47 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

More thoughts... You say you don't know why you have the urge to understand your brother?

In my family, my mother created a rivalry between siblings. I was never her favorite. She openly creates love triangles amongst us even to this day. As adults, its easier to see these past few years.

Do you feel less loved by your mom? Does she always talk about your brother? Do you feel jealous?

January 28, 2006
1:42 am
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mj

Yhanks so much.

My mothers mother had polio and was in a wheelchair for long.
She managed through a lot of operations many years ago to start walking. My mother had to do everything for her and she would call her up at night at least 4 times.
She loved her son more than her daughters.
My mother could never find the love from her mother.
Then she went of and married my N father. I think she stayed so long because she thought this was how it was supposed to be.
She wanted to divorce years ago but discovered that she was pregnant with my brother.
She took all her frustation out on him. She hated him in a way.
As years went by she realised what she did and now he cannot do anything wrong.
She is so enmeshed with him. He will never be able to grow into a man because he has not yet disconnected emotionally from her.
I fear his anger sometimes he gets so angry at my mother and is frustrated.
My father's father died when he was 3. His mother was a alcoholic and died when he was 16. All the children went into foster care.

'Relationship Bonds: You are bonded to another person - you lose independence Identification: You "follow" a role model - you live someone else's life Identity Conflict: Your behavior swings between two poles - you live in endless conflict Lost Identity: You cannot express your "sense of self" - your life may have little meaning Emotional incest results when a person loves a family member as a replacement or substitute for a partner. If you are affected by emotional incest, you can free yourself - or your family suffers.

Emotional incest spans generations. There is no one person to blame. It reflects chains of suffering going back into family history. If entangled people do not recognize the symptoms of emotional incest, become aware of their role in it, and end it - these chains of suffering will likely continue into future generations. Your children may suffer, carrying your burden

Thanks this makes so much sense. I think with lots of the things you have posted I can actually see myself.
I understand better, my brother has no identity of his own.

I cannot do anything or make him change. This is soooo true.

Thanks again MJ

January 28, 2006
7:57 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The help we give and receive is a two way street. Love to YOU

January 30, 2006
4:34 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Been Reading a Book called "Emotional Incest Syndrome" By Patricia Love.

Very Enlightening! It has helped me understand why I feel angry and off balanced. My husband, the Chosen Son and his mom are doing an unhealthy enmeshment dance and I see the toxicity of it and have for some time. Society expects us to care for our elders? Does that mean at risking our own health? When I was reared in my dysfuntional family I was helpless. Now as an adult I am not but the learned helplessness keeps rearing its ugly head. I have been thinking about my past family origin. My parents were not equals. My mom was dominating and my father was passive and absent. My siblings had great rivalries because of the favoritism of the Chosen One, my sis. My brother was replaced by my sis and I was the lost child always people pleasing and hoping to get noticed, loved, and nurtured.

I know now why it bothers me so much to be treated as invisible. I was most of my childhood. So if I roar now and again, it is for self preservation!!!! (smile) I think that I will keep my self love and enjoy life again! I am powerless over others but I know with 100% surety that I am not alone. Love to All

February 2, 2006
5:00 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Been doing the exercises in the book.
I interviewed my mom and my brother too. It felt good to have their cooperation and love.

I quit my Al-anon group yesterday. I resigned as GR. I feel it was a healthy decision for me.

February 2, 2006
6:46 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What is GR? Sorry, I'm not up on all the Al-Anon terms.

How you doing otherwise, MJ?

February 2, 2006
6:49 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ginger 🙂
A group representative

I am feeling a lot better. Thanks for caring! How are YOU?

February 2, 2006
6:56 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I accompanied my hubby at his mom's home today. I washed walls and repotted some of her houseplants. Hubby went to another meeting at Rehab to evaluate his mom's progress and make an appt. for her to meet with home health care one afternoon. I have stayed away from his mom for over a week and I think that has made all the difference. I am trying to take it moment to moment. I don't get to spend a lot of time with hubby but that is ok for now.

February 2, 2006
8:26 pm
Avatar
tooscared
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 21
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi MJ. Glad you are taking care of yourself. I don't blame you from staying away from your mother-in-law. I hope it all works out as far as after rehab and your husband's role in her care-taking.

I think you are doing great and you sound much happier and healthier. Sometimes you just have to do things to take care of your own mental health. I am learning that as well.

Love you dear friend,
TS

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information