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MJ remembering
September 29, 2004
2:50 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Yep, that works for me. I was out of the office this morning for some training and just now having time to poke my head in.

About your divorce -- I seriously don't know whether to say I'm sorry or to congratulate you. I know you've struggled with this for a long time and I'm glad if you're glad. It's always sad to see something end though isn't it?

Ok I will be popping in and out of here when I can. Til then...

September 29, 2004
6:18 pm
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mj
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Hi SFB...
I am really sad about ending my marriage.
I really wanted it to work. I am trying very hard to be optimistic. I took a walk alone on the beach today. I felt like crying. There were so many others walking on the beach today. I figured that I could suck it up some more. So here I am feeling quite sad. My last husband said, Endings create new beginnings....so I guess that is true. You got to start somewhere so I start my day each morning getting up and being thankful that I can.

September 29, 2004
7:55 pm
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mj
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The Wolves by Derek Lin
"Master, you must help me," said the visitor. "I am at my wit's end."
"What seems to be the problem?" The sage asked.
"I am having a hard time controlling my anger," the visitor said. "It's just the way people are. I see them criticizing others while totally unaware of their own faults. I do not wish to criticize them because I don't want to be like them, but it really upsets me."
"I see," said the sage. "Tell me something first: Aren't you the villager who narrowly escaped death last year?"
"Yes," the visitor nodded. "It was a terrible experience. I ventured too far into the forest and ran into a pack of hungry wolves."
"What did you do?"
"I climbed up a tree just in time before they converged on me. These wolves were big and I had no doubt they could tear me to pieces."
"So you were trapped?"
"Yes. I knew I wouldn't last long without water and food, so I waited for them to relax their guard. When I thought it was safe enough, I would jump down, make a mad dash for the next tree, and then climb up before they converged again."
"This sounds like quite an ordeal."
"Yes - altogether it lasted two days. I thought I would surely die. Luckily a group of hunters approached when I got close enough to the village. The wolves scattered and I was saved."
"I'm curious about one thing," said the sage. "During the experience, were you ever offended by the wolves?"
"What? Offended?"
"Yes. Did you feel offended, or insulted by the wolves?"
"Of course not, Master. That thought never crossed my mind."
"Why not? They wanted nothing more than to bite into you, did they not? They wanted to kill you, did they not?"
"Yes, but... that is what wolves do! They were just being themselves. It would be absurd for me to be take offense."
"Excellent! Now let's hang on to this thought while we examine your question. Criticizing others while being unaware of their own faults is something that many people do. You might even say that it is something we all do from time to time. In a sense, the ravenous wolves live in every one of us.
"When the wolves bare their fangs and close in on you, you should not just stand there. You should certainly protect yourself by getting away from them if at all possible. Similarly, when people lash out at you with venomous criticism, you should not accept it passively. You should certainly protect yourself by putting some distance between you and them if at all possible.
"The crucial point is that you can do so without feeling offended or insulted, because these people are simply being themselves. It is their nature to be critical and judgemental, so it would be absurd for us to take offense. It would be pointless for us to get angry.
"Next time the hungry wolves in human skin converge on you, remember: it's just the way people are - exactly as you said when you came in."

September 30, 2004
1:15 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Interesting reading.

How does today find you?

October 2, 2004
10:27 am
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mj
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I finally feel like sharing again!

How are you today?
I have been working on my feelings, anger, sadness, grief, and love. I have been doing exercises from marriagebuilders.com like emotional needs questionaire and love busters. What a helpful site.

Sometimes I am unable to express what I feel and clearly as I'd like.

I keep showing up and the lessons appear.
Have a Great Day Everyone.

October 4, 2004
1:45 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Today ... busy. Neither great nor crappy. Just ... "being" today. Got a bug to cook a nice big supper. Fall weather awakens a nesting drive in me. Especially to cook and feed. Love that!

October 4, 2004
2:44 pm
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gingerleigh
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I really liked that story. I've been thinking a lot about the serenity prayer as well, and I always thought it was a brilliant prayer, but sometimes it strikes me just how amazingly fitting it is in nearly every aspect of life that is frustrating, saddening, maddening or hurtful.

October 5, 2004
10:50 am
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Tumbleweed8
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I totally agree, Gingerleigh, and with me I have to remember to say it more throughout the day because it really helps.

October 5, 2004
11:54 am
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sixfootblonde
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mj are you here today?

October 5, 2004
12:54 pm
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mj
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I am trying to be here....just feeling overwhelmed. I have not been saying the Serenity Prayer and have lost my conscious contact with my higher power and have succumbed to insanity and around and round I go.

October 5, 2004
12:59 pm
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mj
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

October 5, 2004
1:00 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Not to interrupt, but I think you will find even if you have to keep repeating that prayer a few times that it will give you some stability again. At least it has for me and I have posted it up here at home, but not in the right place so I need to put it in front of my nose here somewhere. I know all too well how easy it is to forget and get caught up in things. Take care. Hugs!

October 5, 2004
1:07 pm
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mj
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This thread is for all that wish to share and I am glad you choose to. Hugs and love to you TW.

October 5, 2004
3:20 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Hey mj whatcha mean? How are you going around and around?

I do sympathize. It's easy to do.

October 5, 2004
5:24 pm
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mj
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I am referring to my future without my husband. I feel sad, angry, resentful, depressed, and loving. My emotions are going around and round. I guess I bit off more than I could chew the day I suggested we heal old wounds. Doesn't even feel like it's priority today.

October 5, 2004
7:40 pm
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Anonymous
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What is the serenity prayer?

October 5, 2004
7:43 pm
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gingerleigh
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MJ posted the serenity prayer earlier... here it is: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference." Kinda nice, don't you think?

October 5, 2004
7:46 pm
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tooscared
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Hi Maggalisa, It is the prayer that MJ wrote just above Tumbleweed's post about God grant me the serenity to.......

I know you are hurting MJ and I am sorry that you are having to go through this. But like you or someone has said before - if you keep on doing what you have always done, you will keep on getting what you have always got. Something has to change because you can't keep living the ups and downs like you have. I pray for true happiness for you and a happy future full of people who love you. 🙂

October 5, 2004
7:53 pm
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mj
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Hugs TS...You have been the best friend anyone could ever pray to have in their live. Love YOU.

October 5, 2004
7:58 pm
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Thanks, its beautiful actually. More spiritual than "don't worry about what you can't control, but take charge where you can" in a book I'm reading. I'm going to write it down and keep it with me.

October 5, 2004
8:26 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Just checking back to see how you're doing before calling it a night or whatever. I know that transitions are so hard and I truly wish you the best, Mj. I feel badly for anyone having to make all the adjustments that go with change. I know the feeling of wishing and hoping everything will somehow be okay. I know the feeling of wanting to talk to someone so badly and realizing it just seems futile. I am not always good with words to get my point across, but I do care. Hugs to all!

October 5, 2004
10:41 pm
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mj
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Thanks for showing your heart TW. You are so special. Thanks for taking the time to let me know you care.

((((((((((TW)))))))))))))
Sleep Well

October 6, 2004
9:55 am
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sixfootblonde
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Was on call last night and busy so didn't get a chance to check back in. I hope this morning finds you feeling more up, mj. Toosweet, you are still such a gem. Really.

I am praying the serenity prayer today. Feeling thankful for the sunshine streaming thru the window onto my desk, as well. Searching for a soft place to fall; or maybe just a high place to refuge.

October 6, 2004
11:22 am
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mj
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Good Morning Friends

Feeling so much Better Today.
Thanks SFB for caring. I love sunlight.

I started the morning feeling quite unsettled emotionally. I got out my daily meditations and started reading. I pulled out my fourth step...the honest, fearless, searching moral inventory to help me better understand myself.

I found a note from one of my meetings. It said to take a sheet of paper and fold it in half. On one side list your assets and on the other side list your character defects. Oh, It was so easy coming up with my defects of character like anger, resentment, self-pity, blame, entitlement; an Emotional tornado whipping through.

The other side sat empty. I could not find anything of value in myself.

So here lies the challenge. Finding value. So with my brothers help we started searching for what he thought of my value. Then I was able to join and start adding to the list, honestly. I feel so much better.

I guess I need to focus on the positive to help me get through today.

October 6, 2004
11:56 am
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sixfootblonde
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On dark days growing up dealing with a father wasting away to cancer, we would play Pollyanna. I loved the book from a young age and when all looked bleak, Dad would say "it's time to play Pollyanna" and we would. The glad game -- that was Pollyanna's game and it works. To this day I play the glad game to myself. I don't care how bad it's been, there is always something to be glad for.

Today I am glad I am loved, I am glad I have a warm house and a full pantry. I am glad I have my mom in my life and my friends who are like my family to me. I am glad I am with my hubby as he turns 30 today; I remember the first birthday of his I celebrated was when he turned 21. I am glad for the life we've shared. I am glad for the choices we are given, and the permission to fall, to fail, to be human and still matter. I am glad I am me; with all my faults, I like me. I am learning and I am growing and I am ok.

See? It works. I am smiling.

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