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Mixed emotions & So incredibly sad right now
November 22, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll, I do notice that you have a tenancy to minimize your
feelings. Your feelings are valid and the only person you need to
be truthful with is yourself.

November 22, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent,

This is something
that I constantly work on. When I was a child, my siblings and I
were never allowed to express our feelings. As far as my parents
were concerned, we did not have any.

In the Asian
cultures, children do as their parents and elders tell them. There
is no discussion or input. It's basically "you will do this" and
the response must always be "yes, papa", "yes, mama" or "yes,
(elder)" whether it is aunt, uncle, grandparents, etc.

They don't ask,
"how do you feel about this?" It's irrelevant. I remember sometimes
telling my parents, "I feel sad" and they would say, "no, you don't
stop being silly."

Or, if someone
steps over your boundaries or does something that makes you
uncomfortable, and you try to tell an adult how it made you feel,
you are told, "it's ok. Don't make a big deal about it." In the
Asian cultures, it's all about "saving face". You don't dare say or
do anything that would cause shame and embarrassment to the family.
You keep quiet. You mind your manners. You "have to be good." All
the time.

Family and
personal matters are "private." You don't tell anyone anything that
might cause the family to "lose face." Counseling? Forget it! Talk
to a "stranger" about family stuff? Only if you want to be strung
up on your heels and whipped.

I struggle with
doing what is best for me--staying true to myself--and staying true
to my culture. I finally went to counseling when I was going thru
my divorce. I never told my parents or my siblings that I went
(they would probably open their big mouths). I would say I was
"having lunch with a friend."

The counselor told
me that as far as my intellect, my IQ must be off the charts (I
have never been tested, but I do have a 3.9 GPA in school right
now), but emotionally, I was never able to develop. She also
recognized that I minimize or dismiss my feelings a lot.

I was always told
as a child that I have to "be strong", or "don't be a coward" or
"don't act like a baby."

It was reinforced
when I was married. My ex-husband would laugh at me or ignore me
when I cried, and it takes A LOT for me to cry. So, to avoid that,
I would not allow myself to cry.

I tend to think of
things in logical or rational terms. Always analyzing. I need to
work on the feeling part but I don't know how.

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll, I believe that it is possible for you to mend. You
identified your upbringing as the cause for having so much
difficulty with identifying your feelings. You can start to get
back in touch with your feelings if you can tune everything else
out, sit down in silence close your eyes and without filters just
tune into how you are feeling. This takes practice. The next time
you think about your boyfriend clear your mind of all your rational
thinking and focus on how you feel, how you really feel not how you
are supposed to feel. The next time your friendemy contacts you,
take a deep breath, close your eyes and ask yourself how the
contact with her makes you feel. A persons intellect and a persons
emotions live in 2 different areas of the brain and do not
communicate with each other. Right now how are you feeling? Just
write down the feelings as they come into your mind you do not have
to explain them.

November 23, 2010
12:00 am
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China, just been thinking about you. Hope you are starting to
adjust.

Bitsy

November 24, 2010
12:00 am
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Hi
Bitsy, I am trying to adjust as best I can, but I realized tonight
that I over-ate again today. Thanks for thinking of me. I hope I do
not stay in this funk for too long.

puptent, Now I am
feeling a mixture of feelings. When I think of my boyfriend, I miss
him so terribly. I wish for anything that I could hear his voice.
He always makes me laugh. They say laughter is best medicine. I
wish I could touch him, even to just hold his hand.

He has the biggest
smile, you can't help smiling when he is smiling. And he has the
biggest laugh. Sometimes, on our visits, he will be watching
something on TV and he laughs so hard and loud. he does not even
try to make a small laugh. I could be in another room and hear him,
and then I start to laugh to myself when I hear him
laughing.

One time, he
played a joke on his uncle when I was visiting at his parents house
with him. He and I laughed so hard we had tears rolling down our
faces. Our bellys hurt so much. I told him if we were together all
the time, our bellys will always be hurting.

I have not heard
anything from him yet. Yesterday when I talked to him, it sounded
like his leaving is a "maybe". I did not get to ask many questions,
but he did say things along the lines of "just in case" when he was
talking about preparing.

I am not holding
my breath. But it would make me so happy if we could keep our
Christmas plans--and then he can leave. That would be the best
gift. So, I tell myself that so far, no news might be good
news.

And then I snap
back into reality and tell myself I can't get my hopes up too much
or I will be hurting 10 times worse.

November 24, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll, you are in a situation that is beyond your control.
I think it is overwhelming you. Do you have any back up
plans?

November 24, 2010
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No,
puptent, I don't really have any back-up plans. When he and I
talked about one or the other or both of us probably deploying, I
thought of everything in a "logical" sense. I did not think of any
of it in an emotional sense at all.

I figured we would
just go, do what we need to do, come back, too easy. He hasn't even
left yet, and I am already beside myself.

I do not have much
support from family or friends, as you can probably tell. I think
his family would be more supportive, but they are so far away, I
don't think they can do much for me.

My family is
always so wrapped up in their own lives, I am ignored most of the
time until someone needs something.

I need to go to
sleep, have to be up at 0500 and it is getting late. Good
night!

November 24, 2010
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chinadoll, Your feelings of sadness are what inspired you to
write this thread. A combination of factors in your life have led
you to feel this way. Your feelings right now depend a lot on what
your BF is or is not going to do. When I asked how you were
feeling, a memory of your boy friend was tied to your feelings.
When you talk about the holidays, it depends on what your BF
priorities are (his son). This tells me that you are very sensitive
to your boyfriends feelings & feel the same. I think it will
help if you can separate your feelings from his.

November 24, 2010
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Chinadoll, In my life I have come to the conclusion that
everything that happens to us happens for a reason. We may not
understand at the time but it may even be years later that we go
"oh yeah, that is why...." In my own situation I was terrified to
stay in a house by myself. My husband started having to work out of
town and I had to adjust. Now I am divorced and living on my own
and don't mind being by myself.

You are in the
military studying psychology. From where I sit it looks like one
day you may be councelling a spouse whose husband or wife is being
deployed and is having a hard time adjusting. Even though you are
empathic, this will give you more empathy. You WILL be able to say
with authority, I have been in your shoes....

Just a for what
it's worth for you 😉

Bitsy

November 24, 2010
12:00 am
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"Even
if the morrow is barren of promises Nothing shall forestall my
return" - "Loveless", Act III, Final Fantasy 7

November 27, 2010
12:00 am
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Hi
everyone,

Just wanted to
give an update. So far, he has not left yet, so thankfully, he was
able to spend Thanksgiving with his family, which made me feel so
happy for him. He was with his son and his parents (Dad &
stepmom) and their side of the family on Thursday, and today he
took his son to spend a second Thanksgiving with his Mom &
stepdad and his brother. He is sooo close with his brother (his
brother is also in the military), so I was so glad that it worked
out. So, we are just taking it day-to-day at this point. It's all
we can do.

It did make me
feel better that I had a chance to talk with him, and "catch
up."

puptent,

It was actually my
idea for him to change our plans so that he could spend
Thanksgiving with his son. I did not know that his brother was
going to be at his Mom's. That was a total surprise and a blessing
for him. I will always put his son and his family first. I never
make him choose between us. If something comes up, especially when
I am out there for a visit, and we find out his brother is there, I
will urge him to meet up with his brother. I tell him it is because
I know his brother will only be there for a short time, and he will
see me for a couple days longer, so I will make other plans. I
don't see it as putting his needs above mine. I know how close he
is to his family, and I will never interfere.

He appreciates it
that I am never controlling or demanding of his time. Many times
when I am there, he will include me for family things, or we will
plan an event or activity that includes his son. His family treats
me very well, and his son is such a good kid, I like to see him,
too.

Bitsy, I don't
mind being alone at all, I often do things on my own. I know
everything happens for a reason. It's just that when it is
happening, it's hard to go thru...especially for me emotionally.
Because I don't only feel my emotions, I feel his, too. Even if we
are not talking. It can get overwhelming at times. I try so hard to
shield myself, but because we are so connected, it is not always
easy to do.

November 28, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll, what about what you want? What about what you
need?

November 28, 2010
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puptent,

I did not mean to
give the wrong impression. I am not about being a martyr at
all.

My wants and needs
are very simple. I am a quiet and introverted person. I do not like
to be in crowds, so I am not one who needs to go out all the time
and be entertained constantly. In fact, I have to be careful to not
get overly-stimulated.

I cannot watch
certain movies or TV shows. I have to be careful of the energy that
is around me. Because of these things, I prefer to keep to things
that are low-key.

Often times, my
boyfriend will take me to a bookstore and we might have a cup of
coffee or hot cocoa. We both love to read. Our tastes in books and
music are varied. Or he will take me to see a movie, but we'll go
over some choices and see which ones I am able to watch.

Other times, we
will rent a movie or watch a TV show together, snuggled up. I don't
need a whole lot to make me happy, since I am content most of the
time.

When we do go out
to see friends, he & I don't stay too long, or if we go out to
eat, we will decide together on where to go. He could eat the same
food every day and never get bored. I, on the other hand, like
variety.

When we make plans
to do things, he always asks me how I feel and makes sure that I am
happy with what we choose. He has never forced me to do anything I
didn't want to. We have a lot of the same interests, so we enjoy
the same things.

I choose to
include his son when we do things together. Sometimes his son does
not want to come along, but I always make sure that his son knows
that he is welcome. And I don't mind spending time with his family.
I am very family-oriented. His family is always happy to see me,
and I have fun with them.

For my last
birthday, he took me to the beach, with his son and we played mini
golf together. It was the best day, with my two best guys. Things
like that are what make me happy.

When I said that
his family and his son come first, I did not mean that I come last.
My ex-husband kept me from my family for many years. He actually
moved us 2000+ miles away. When they called on the phone to talk to
me, and he answered the phone, he would tell them that I wasn't
home, even if I was, and he would never tell me that they called.
He would tell me that my family did not give a crap about me, and
that I only had him to rely on. I never knew, until he and I were
apart and my family asked why I never called them back.

So, what I meant
was that I never want him to feel like he has to choose between me
or his family, or especially his son. There is no choice to be
made. He told me that when he dated other women before, they would
tel him to just leave his son with his parents and go with them. He
tries to spend as much time with his son as he can, because he
works a lot and some crazy hours. I would never take that from
him.

I have friends
that I can see, so it's not like I sit around at wait around for
him if he is doing something else while I am visiting. Or I might
like to go & get my nails done or go shopping, or something he
doesn't want to do.

We are able to
compromise very well, and we always talk things over, and "check
in" with each other to be sure everything is ok.

November 29, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll, I hear you saying that you do have a need to have
intimacy in your life and you feel sad being alone. What are you
doing to get these needs met?

November 30, 2010
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puptent,

I don't always
feel sad being alone. Most of the time I am fine. I get sad when I
miss my boyfriend. I wish we could see each other more often, but
it isn't practical right now.

He hasn't left
yet. Typical for the military for leaving people hanging. I'm used
to that.

I feel like my
boyfriend and I have a very close, intimate bond--even when we are
not together. I know he's always a phone call away when I need
him.

December 1, 2010
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chinadoll, This situation must be very difficult, not
knowing.

December 2, 2010
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puptent,

I get used to it,
even from my own experience with the military. I was supposed to go
TDY, starting tomorrow, but they don't have my orders yet, so I am
just sitting here trying to be patient. I have already asked, so I
know asking again is not going to make them come any faster. So
frustrating.

I found out
yesterday that my best-best girl-friend is in the hospital. She had
to go to the ER a couple of days ago. They don't know what is
wrong, but it could be any number of things. She has numerous,
numerous health problems. In 2007, she was told she would live only
3 more years. So, each day that we can talk and spend time together
is a blessing. We have been best-best friends since age
8.

I had another
best-best friend I had known since high school. She passed away
last year from an 8-year battle with cancer. I miss her a
lot.

My Mom also passed
away suddenly last year from cancer. I miss her a lot, too. She was
always making me laugh. One of my cousins, she is my same age, she
is going thru cancer for the second time, and she probably won't
make it.

My friends, my
cousin and I, we are all so young, I never thought that I would
have people leaving at this time in my life. I try to make my best
effort to take care of myself and be healthy--eating healthy food
and exercising.

December 2, 2010
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Hi
chinadoll you are really going through a lot. It must be even worse
having lost so much of your support people, the people who have
cared about you in life. Please let me know how your friend is
doing. Exercising and eating right does help and for sure it
improves the quality of life. Take care!

December 4, 2010
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My
best friend is home from the hospital, but it will be a few days
before she is feeling well enough for me to see her. She called me
when she got home yesterday to tell me that she is ok, but in a lot
of pain still.

When I was on the
phone with her, I missed a call from my boyfriend. I tried to call
him back, but got his vm. In his message, he said he would try to
call me in a couple of days (which is going to feel like a couple
of months). I left him a message to say that I was on the phone
with my best friend, and she just got out of the
hospital.

So, this
afternoon, I was upstairs cleaning the kitchen, and I left my phone
downstairs. My boyfriend must have gotten a spare moment, and tried
to call again, left a message saying he only had a few minutes to
talk. I did not realize it until I was back downstairs. Now I am so
sad. I was not expecting his call until tomorrow. I couldn't get a
hold of him when I tried to call back.

I just have to
hope that he will call again tomorrow. He has always kept his word,
so I know he will try. But the way things are going, anything can
change in a moment's notice.

As much as I love
the military, sometimes it really stinks.

December 4, 2010
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I am
sorry. I know it must be really disappointing. I remember in
college I dated a guy who was at another college. If he called and
I missed it I just missed it. We only had a land line and no cell
phones back in the dark ages and I remember how much I lived for
his calls.

Bitsy

December 5, 2010
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chinadoll, how does the phone situation work with your BF on
his end? Is he only allowed to call at certain times, or is there a
problem of being in areas with no signal as well? It will probably
get to the point where you have to carry your cell phone with you
and switch over if you are talking to someone else to stay in
touch. Are you allowed to carry a cell phone with you and use it at
work? Did he get deployed yet?

December 5, 2010
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puptent,

The answer is
both, for his phone situation. He did call today, and we were able
to talk for about an hour, which was really good, since he doesn't
seem to have a lot of free time lately. It was mostly him talking
this time, which a lot of times it's me, but this time, I just
listened and let him talk. He was telling me about all the training
classes he is doing.

I try to carry my
phone with me, but sometimes I don't have pockets, so I forget. And
then I forget where I set it down when I am in the
house.

The time when my
friend called, she called on the house phone, and I was upstairs
and my cell phone was downstairs, that's how I missed
it.

I can carry my
phone with me all the time when I am at work, but I have to keep it
on silent so that it does not ring. I can't answer it if I am in a
meeting or on a mission, but they allow us to have our phones as
long as it does not interfere with work.

He hasn't left
yet. Maybe this is a good sign that I will see him for Christmas.
But I don't want to get my hopes up too much.

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll, I can see how the timing is really bad with the
holidays coming and all. Not knowing. That must have helped finally
being able to talk to him. Will he come your way or will you go his
for Christmas?

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