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Mixed emotions & So incredibly sad right now
November 19, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Hi
everyone,

For those of you
who know me, I am usually not one to put "my stuff" out
there...mainly because my life seems to just march along, and I
take everything as it comes.

I'm not one to
ever be overly-anxious. Why worry about stuff you can't control?
When I have "down" days, it never lasts for too long...mostly
because I am to busy to think about it, and my "problems" never
seem to be "huge" compared to everyone else.

Not to say my life
is perfect, nor has it been perfect. Those who know my story, well,
let's just say I went to Hell a few times and made it back
alive.

So, today, I am
faced with a situation out of my control. It's been a long time
coming, but the phone call I got today made it even more
real.

For those of you
that know, my boyfriend, who is the absolute love of my life, and I
are both in the military. We haven't seen each other for 2 1/2
months, since we are stationed across the country from each other.
It's been a "numbers" game, finding out which one of us will go
overseas first.

We knew for a few
months that he would likely go. So we were preparing for that
emotionally. Then, things change and his deployment was called off.
Back to life as usual. Daily contact, trips to see each other, good
times.

Then, a couple of
months ago, unexpectedly, it looked like I would go. Still don't
know for sure yet, always a possibility, so life goes on---as best
as you can try to make plans and live your life.

Thru all these
"bumps" our relationship is still going strong. Still the daily
contact, making plans. He wanted to fly out here for Thanksgiving,
but could not get a decent flight. So, we say, let's reschedule for
Christmas. Works out better for both of us. I will be on a semester
break, so no issues of school or homework while he is
here.

Today's phone
call--early, which normally doesn't happen, since we are on a 3 hr
time difference. He's most likely going...and most likely leaving
BEFORE THANKSGIVING. Which is what? Less than a week??

I am happy for
him, because he has been wanting to go and waiting to go for quite
a while, especially when his deployment was called of before, he
was disappointed.

I am sad, because
it means I won't see him for Christmas. I won't see him for at
least a year, if not longer. I won't get to hug him or kiss him
good-bye.

I told him the
best thing I can hope for now is that I get deployed to the same
country, and we can see each other over there. I can't volunteer
until there is an actual mission, which they have to announce. And
I would still have to meet all of the criteria for the mission
before they let me go.

So all I can do is
wait for that next phone call, to tell him that I love him so
much.

November 19, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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Gosh
Chinadoll this must be so difficult for you. Is he going by sea or
MAC? When you get leave can you go by MAC and see him?

November 19, 2010
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Chinadoll, I am sorry for both of you that this happened
suddenly but both of you being in the military you had this in the
back of your mind that it could happen. Let me count your blessings
for you.

1. You can
communicate via email and/or Skype. That isn't something that was
available in the first Gulf War.

2. You each love
and trust the other.

3. You did see
each other 2 months ago.

I know this is
hard. I can't imagine them telling him to be ready to leave before
Thanksgiving. That is only 7 days!!!!

Big hugs to
you.

Oh and you have
every right to feel sad...just don't stay there.

Bitsy

November 19, 2010
12:00 am
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truthBtold
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Oh
((((Chinadoll,))))

Some of us who do
not know anyone in the military personally, (myself for one) can't
possibly fathom the selfless love of country and the sacrifices and
toll it can take between loved ones.

I am so sorry for
your disappointment with the Holidays. I really am.

The only thing I
can add is to ask, as the next best thing, is there perhaps a way
to 'video-cam' with each other during this time?

My hats off to the
both of you and I for one, sincerely thank you for your
sevice.

Please continue to
post about this if you'd like...

tBt

November 19, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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puptent,

He can't tell me
how he is going, or even where he is going. When we talk on the
phone, we have to be extra careful, since it it considered an "open
line" and we can't compromise security, in case someone is tapping
it. All he could say was that it is highly likely that he is going,
and "around but most likely before" Thanksgiving. I just mailed him
a card today, and he might not even get it in time.

I don't have any
leave right now, it will be quite a while before I can have some.
Someone at work was going to donate some annual leave to me at
Christmas if I needed it, for his visit, as well as trade my days
if I had any extra weekend duty.

I tell myself that
there is a 50/50 chance he won't, based on my own experience. There
were 3 different times in my career when I had my bags packed, was
headed to the airport, said good-byes, did the whole crying thing,
and was told, "get back on the bus."

Bitsy, yes, I know
we had this always in the backs of our minds. Just that now it is
so real, it's almost surreal, if that makes any sense.

The first time I
was called to go, I was given 5 days to "be ready".

Thanks for
counting my blessings. Yes, I am so very blessed. When he first
told me about his deployment (the one that was called off), he
said, "nothing is going to change, except that instead of being on
the other side of the country, I'll just be in another
country."

No, I won't stay
in my sadness, I have way too much to do, I don't have time to
wallow. But I will feel so incredibly lonesome. Even tho' I have my
family and friends, he is my best friend. He is probably the only
one I know, except for my bestest girl-friend, that completely
"gets" me. He is truly the other half of my soul. We are so
connected. Just like this morning, I was thinking about him (I had
just put his Thanksgiving card in the mail), and then my phone
rings, and it's him.

I can tell him
anything and everything that is on my heart, and he honestly
understands. I don't need to explain further. He'll tell me how I
am feeling about something, and he will be spot on. We finish each
other's sentences and thoughts.

tbt, I will ask
him about the web-camming. Part of the problem is our 3 hr time
difference, but I'm sure if we schedule it right, we can make it
work. We do use Skype and email and text as well as the
phone.

Right now he is
scrambling to get everything ready "right now." He could only talk
to me for a short time this morning because he had to drive to his
storage unit to get his passport to make copies of it--since they
will need it for him going out of the country.

The other thing
that makes me sad is that another reason we planned to reschedule
for a Christmas visit was so he could at least spend Thanksgiving
with his son. That way, I would get one holiday with him and his
son will get the other. Now it looks like neither one of us will
get him.

That's why I
normally fly out there, so I can see him and his son. He also
planned to fly out here this time so I would not have to worry
about money for travel. My budget is sooo tight because of graduate
school. He normally pays for my tickets when I fly to see him
anyway, but there are always other expenses you have to
anticipate.

Now I am not going
to even be able to fly out there to see his son at Christmas if I
wanted to, because my schedule has already been set to the end of
the year, and I can't change my plans now, since everyone has
already turned in their schedules.

Thanks to all for
the hugs. I know I will be ok, just not feeling really good right
now.

November 19, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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chinadoll, it must be hard dealing with all of the unknown
variables. You seem like a very level headed person with the
ability to stay focused while under a great deal of stress. I hope
that all of this gets settled soon.

November 20, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Hi
puptent,

Thanks for being
here. Yes, somehow I have always been the "calm in the storm", able
to focus during a crisis, usually when everyone else is screaming
their heads off. I've always been that way, even when I was a
child.

Probably because
most of my family members were always the panicked, screaming ones
whenever something crazy happened. I learned early on that the
screaming and panicking doesn't work in an emergency situation. I
guess what comes to mind is broken bones, bleeding, objects falling
on people. Yes, I was quite a tomboy growing up. I was such a
daredevil kid, I gave my parents near-heart attacks quite often.
Funny, most of my injuries happened after adulthood.

I never got the
chance to thank you for your comments that you made to me on
another thread a while back, when you said that it seems like I
have my life together, or something like that. I think when we were
talking about if friends were good for us or not.

Most times I feel
like my life is pretty well put together, and other times doubt
sets in, like, do I really know what I am doing?

I get distracted
quite easily, thanks to a traumatic brain injury in 2007 following
a training accident. I had to start over from scratch with walking,
talking, driving. Still have memory problems and other issues from
time to time.

This was one of
the main reasons I decided to go back to school. Studying, doing
research, taking tests, reading, and discussions helps to exercise
my brain. Prior to going back to school, I had a lot of difficulty.
I still have issues, but thankfully they are becoming less and
less, the main thing is I have to stay with my routine. I am able
to adapt, but sometimes my response time is slower than people have
patience for. I'm still able to function at work, and I have been
given modifications for certain things, but for the most part, I am
able to keep up most of the time.

My boyfriend is so
patient with me, for someone who claims to have no patience. He
never gets upset with me if I forget stuff. he just gently reminds
me. He even helps me with my homework. I email it to him and he
checks it (he's got two graduate degrees himself, in similar
studies). He teases me sometimes, but not in a mean way, we even
laugh sometimes at the silly stuff I do. Sometimes when I am doing
homework, we text back and forth, and he helps me with ideas for
discussions. When we are on the phone, I will sometimes read stuff
out loud to him (I read so slow now sometimes I forget my place)and
he will explain it back to me so that I can comprehend something if
it's complicated.

I went out tonight
to dinner with my bestest girl-friend. I needed to get out, so that
I would not ruminate. It was good to relax and talk. She gave me a
snuggly blanket personalized with my name on it, with a special
inscription. I'm anemic, so I get cold easily. Even in the summer,
I sleep with 2-3 blankets. I am really blessed.

I tend not to
stress out a great deal, since I know I cannot "what if" myself to
death, it does no good. And rather than worry, I prefer to stay
present. I try to focus on what it is that I am grateful for, and
appreciate what I do have. I don't know. After experiencing the
process of having all of your liberties stripped away, and then
earning them back--the military's way of breaking you down to build
you back up--you see what is genuinely important.

I've always told
others that I am content when I have a place to sleep that is not
too hot or too cold--just comfortable, warm water and soap to clean
up with, a warm meal in my belly, and shelter from the elements,
that's enough. The rest are luxuries. The happiest times I've had
were when I had everything that I owned could be carried on my
back. The less you have, the less you have to worry
about.

I've gone without
so many times that I don't think twice about making do with what I
have. Like right now, the back window on my car, the power
mechanism stopped working. I taped the window up with 100-mile
tape. Yeah, it looks bad, but I don't have $500 right now to get it
fixed. (I had to fix the two front windows one at a time, so I know
what it costs). I know I will get it fixed eventually, but with the
holidays coming up, it's not in the budget right now. Do I care
what people think? No. I've driven tactical vehicles with the
windows blown out or busted out. You think more about getting out
of the kill zone than about what it looks like.

Sorry that I am
rambling. My mind is going 100 miles an hour, anticipating on the
next phone call. I keep staring at the phone like it's going to
ring any minute and I will startle. I used to sometimes sit back
and think, "what will I do or say when the time actually comes?"
I'm at a loss for words. There is so much I want to tell him, I
won't be able to say it all. I know I will forget something. I
could write it all down, but at that moment, what if I freeze
up?

He's not a "mushy"
guy. I don't expect he will pour out his heart and get all sappy.
I'm really not like that with him either. Lots of times when we
talk on the phone, it's like, "ok, I'll talk to you later", since
that is how it's always been.

He has a dangerous
job. Just being over there is dangerous, but he has one of those
jobs that will probably take him outside the wire. We can say,
"I'll talk you you later", and what happens if we don't? The
military won't contact me. We're not married.

I didn't think it
was going to be this hard. Even when I was married before. During
my marriage, we were apart once for 7 months, and we didn't even
talk every day.

It's funny, I
almost can't remember my life before my boyfriend. I mean,
logically I do. But when I think back on stuff, it's like I know my
life will not ever be the same. Like I can't go back to "before
him" because it's like he's always been a part of me.

Just like how the
military is so much a part of me that I can't imagine not having
that in my life one day either. I almost can't remember what my
life was like before that either, or what it will be like someday
when Uncle Sam finally wears me out and I have to hang up my
boots.

I know I can live
without him. If we were to ever break up, life will go on. I will
feel grateful that I did have him in my life, to recognize a
precious gift, and what it feels like to cherish that. I know that
there will never be another man like him.

I don't put him on
a pedestal. He is just a man. he isn't perfect. But he comes pretty
damn close.

I know I am not
going to sleep tonight. I don't even hardly drink alcohol, so it's
like I can't even knock myself out. And I don't keep it around,
because I don't drink.

It's probably
going to take me a while to get all of this out to where I can
settle myself down and go back to all the stuff I need to do. I
should be doing homework, but I just don't feel like it right
now.

I should find my
most boring textbook to read and put myself to sleep.

November 20, 2010
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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China, I hope this morning finds you in a little better
spirit.

Hugs to
you.

Bitsy

November 20, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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China,

Sending out a hug
to you.

November 20, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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chinadoll, I can understand what you were saying when you
talked about knowing the difference between what you need and what
you want. When I hear the word dangerous job I think of what the
airmen do on the ships when they land on the carriers. You
obviously have a lot of self discipline. I sense that you have all
of these feelings built up inside of you. You have built up this
huge dam to control them.

November 20, 2010
12:00 am
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Thinking of you, China.

November 20, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Lani
and Bitsy, thanks for the hugs!!

puptent, I feel
like I am becoming an undisciplined mess!!

I was up till 1:30
AM, I think I must have slept a little, because I remember as I was
waking up, that I had a strange dream. I can't say now what the
dream was about, but at least knowing that I had one, tells me that
I slept.

Then I woke up
early, because I normally go to the gym in the mornings. I woke up
starving. Shouldn't have, because I ate way too much at dinner last
night. I normally eat only 1200-1550 calories a day, and I think
that what I had for dinner was enough for 2 meals. I normally don't
soothe my emotions with food.

I am able to open
the fridge and if there is cake in there, look right past it as if
it's not even in there, and grab the baby carrots or an
apple.

I eat really
healthy meals 90% of the time, since I cook most of my own meals.
Lots of fruits, veggies, and balance of all good stuff. I do this
because military chow is not very good, and not very good for you.
I eat as healthy as I can while I am home, knowing that I will not
be getting as good nurtition out in the field or overseas. So, I
eat as much "good stuff" while it is available, since I know what I
am going to get when I am not going to have a choice.

So, last night's
dinner was not the best choice, but times like that don't happen
too often. I'm going to try to make it to the gym later, when I
feel less exhausted. I did have a healthier breakfast this morning,
to make up for last night.

I am trying to get
my focus back on the things that I need to do. Homework for one.
Yes, you are right. I do keep a lot of feelings inside. I don't
have many people that I can just be myself with.

I'm trying to be
gentle with myself for slipping up. I know at least this way, it
shows that I am a woman and not a robot--that I have a heart that
beats, and it feels really heavy right now. I'm debating whether or
not I should just take this day and let it run its course, or if I
should just get back in the game and keep going full speed as
usual.

November 20, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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oboto,

We cross-posted.
Thanks for your thoughts.

Like I said, I did
not go thru all of this when I was married before...well, my ex-h
was not the love of my life, so I did not have the same level of
attachment. A first time for everything, it seems.

Going by past
experience, I thought it was going to be no big deal, like with my
ex before. He was not in the military, so he was probably going
thru what I am going thru now, to some extent.

Leaving is so much
easier than being the one left behind. Believe me. I would much
rather be the one to get on the bus right now.

November 20, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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chinadoll, back in the day they called people in your situation
west pack widows. Emotionally military relationships can test the
limits of anyone's emotions. Right now you are dealing with
feelings of abandonment and with most of us that is a big OUCH! You
are also dealing with the feelings of impending doom know you can
not avoid going through the grieving process. While I was on base
today I got a phone number to the military onesource, they can
provide help and have people to talk to 24/7 it is 1-800-342-9647.
It can help with Counseling, Money Matters, Child Care, Deployment,
etc. It is provided at no cost by the DOD for active duty, Guard
& Reserves (regardless of activation status) & their
families. Onesource provided me and my family with a turkey and all
the fixings. If it wasn't for them we would be going without this
year.

November 20, 2010
12:00 am
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Hepburn
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(((Sister China)))

I'm so sorry this
is happening. It's the "not knowing" that whips you all over the
place. The head chatter alone will drive you insane.

I know discipline
is your middle name when one is in the military, but you're also a
human being AND a woman. I don't think it's too much considering
the circumstances to do something for yourself. Even if it's eating
one of those massively huge Nestle Crunch bars! Give yourself a
break from the regime until you feel better. You know you won't
wander too far from it anyway.

Lots of hugs to
you. Things are going to work out ok. I know this won't make your
heart any less heavy, but it's times like these where one has to
have faith that things will work out the way it's supposed
to.

November 20, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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puptent,

Thank you for the
number to Military OneSource. I have it, with my collection of
"stuff", ACE card (suicide prevention), 9-line medevac card, all
those things you hang onto "just in case." I haven't used any
yet--except for the medevac, I am not sure yet if I "need" to call
OneSource yet. (Yeah, I know--me being stubborn!) I'm afraid if I
start to talk, that I will just cry, and that is something that I
don't do. It takes A LOT.

Having a Dad who
is now a retired Marine and Viet Nam veteran, we were scolded for
crying when we were little. He just didn't want to hear it. He
sometimes even spanked us for crying ("Didn't I tell you to knock
that off?"), or threaten us with "I'll give you something to cry
about if you keep it up." It's so hard to let go of that baggage
and feel like it's ok to do.

And then for me
being a female, I don't dare cry at work, especially in front of
any of the guys. I will not be called a "crybaby." (Something my
Dad called us when we were little if we cried for any reason). Even
when I broke my leg really bad a few years ago--that now has
permanent bone damage, I refused to let myself cry (so I screamed
my head off instead).

The last time my
Dad or I cried was when my Mom suddenly passed away last year. He
would rather empty a bottle than acknowledge any emotions. And then
I guess if he does cry, he can say it was because he drank too
much. Looks better that way, I suppose.

That is awesome
that OneSource provided you with a turkey and fixings. That is such
a blessing.

{{Sister
Hep}},

I did eat a
"petite" serving of chocolate mousse for dessert last night after
dinner. I have not had any sweets at all for about 3 weeks, and
I've only had sweets now 3 times in the past 7 weeks. So that
mousse was SWEET. Almost sickening, since it was like a sugar
shock. At first I was only going to have "two bites", but at least
it was small so I didn't feel bad eating it all.

I can't remember
the last time I had a Nestle Crunch bar! It's probably been a year,
at least. All my friends have such sweet-tooths. My Mom probably
had the biggest sweet-tooth, there was always chocolate in the
house. I can take it or leave it. Don't get me wrong, I love
chocolate. I just need a taste and then I'm ok.

I still haven't
made it to the gym today. I'm actually still in my PJ's. I did
manage to schedule some appointments, so that made me feel useful.
I know everything will be ok. T and I talked about this I don't
know how many times, as I'm sure you know. And each time, he would
say that it's going to be all right. There's talking and doing,
tho'. Now it's actually happening. No matter how much you think you
are prepared for something, it's never 100%.

I really should
just go down for a nap. I'm exhausted.

November 20, 2010
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puptent
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chinadoll what I like is that onesource is available 24/7. I
used to call the hot line numbers a lot when I was in my hour of
need. Any feed back I got back then helped. I know he will call you
as soon as he can. I have a feeling that will make you feel
better.

November 21, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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puptent,

Thanks for being
here. Your reassurance has been so helpful.

I managed to take
a nap, shower and eat. Then, I realized after a while that I hardly
ate anything today. I barely ate 1000 calories, so I forced myself
to eat a small snack just now, so that I could at least get my
minimum. I don't want my metabolism to shut down.

Last night I was
eating too much and now today eating too little. I never considered
myself an "emotional eater". I am not usually one to soothe my
emotions with food. Usually when I am stressed, I go work-out. A
long walk or bike ride usually does the trick.

You are right, he
will call as soon as he is able to. He has always kept his word.
After everything I went thru with my ex, I thought I would not be
able to trust anyone, since I was not ever really one to trust
easily as it is.

But his actions
have always been consistent, appropriate, and reasonable. He has
always been honest with me. I have no reason to doubt
him.

I know he has so
much to prepare, especially for his son's care (he is a single Dad
with full custody--the Mom is not really in the picture). I didn't
want to call him today and take up his time, as much as I miss
him.

November 21, 2010
12:00 am
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Sending you hugs this morning.

Bitsy

November 21, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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chinadoll, who takes care of his son while he is at work? Is he
going to take his son to his next duty station? This must be very
difficult for both of them. I recognize the fact that you are doing
a great job of being independent and meeting all of your needs and
wants. But, I do think that it is necessary & appropriate for
you to reach out and ask your boy friend for help at this
time.

November 21, 2010
12:00 am
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robbie2007
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Chinadoll,

My heart goes out
to you. I know how incredibly sad you must feel right now. but it
does sound like your connections are strong and you both will make
it through this. its natural to feel sad.sending you big
hugssss.

Robbie

November 21, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Robbie & Bitsy,

Thanks for the
hugs!

puptent, I do
understand what you mean about getting my needs met. I think this
was a lot of the problem in my previous marriage (I've only been
married once), I was too independent for my own good. He knew I
could live without him. I pretty much did everything. In his
culture, as well as my own, the man is waited on hand and foot. As
time went on, he tried to get more and more control over me, which
resulted in him being very abusive, and doing things behind my
back-- "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." What a
nightmare.

So, at times, I
have this baggage, like "I can do it all." which can be just as
unhealthy as being co-dependent, as it is counter-dependent. It's
my issue. My boyfriend does not ever say or do anything that would
cause me to believe that he won't help, or that he won't be there
for me. I happen to have a really difficult time asking for
help.

I'm sure you can
see this in my stubbornness. =) It's something I am aware of and
consistently work on.

My boyfriend's
parents help him to take care of his son when he is at work. When
he goes overseas, his son will stay with them. He also has other
relatives that live near his parents who are available if needed.
He and his parents are in the same state right now, which is
helpful. He's had him ever since his son was a baby, so he's had
his share and struggle as all single parents do.

I finally did send
a text to my boyfriend this morning, just to say hello. This way if
he was not able to reply, it was not like it was urgent. We then
texted back and forth over the span of about 4 hours. Telling
jokes, making each other laugh, just light-hearted and fun like
usual. He did not bring anything up about leaving, so I kept it as
situation normal and just enjoyed the conversation. He was telling
me about stuff he was doing to get prepared, I told him how my day
was going. It was really nice.

Thanks for being
here for me. I'll be back later.

November 21, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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chinadoll, it is good that you contacted him and he responded.
That must have been a relief.

November 21, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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September 24, 2010
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Yes,
puptent, it was a relief. And actually, I did not have a reason
that I could not have contacted him even the day before. I suppose
it was just me, wanting to give him his space and not wanting to
look "needy." Sometimes I get a little silly. Always feeling like I
do not want to "bother" anybody.

November 22, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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September 24, 2010
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I'm
glad I took this weekend to get this all out & process it. Work
and school will keep me busy this week, so I won't have to think
about it so much.

I really
appreciate all of you being here while I wait to see how this all
works out!!

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