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Mistakes that cost you
December 6, 2003
11:20 pm
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Winfred
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Can someone share thier feelings. At 35 I am just realizing I am a codependent--I must have someone tell me I am pretty and I am worth something. When my husband who is a busy attorney got caught up into his work, I had an affair with a doctor. This doctor used me sexually and gave me money and materials things to try to keep me. I that he was so good and my husband was so bad--I was ready to get a divorce. He even gave me 1,000 dollars to give to the attorney. Well, I chickened out and begged my husband to forgive me and we went through counseling. THe only problem is 3 years later--the affair still goes on and my husband does not know. EVerytime I try to leave he begs me back--he sends flowers and tennis braclets, rings and money. I decided today that I know better and it is time for me to do better. I do believe in God and this is why I know I must get out. I am reading as much as I can about self help. What do I do when I say to myself--I will not talk to him--I will change my number again and next week--I have a panic attack because I feel he really is so good to me. Help!!!!

December 6, 2003
11:36 pm
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Winfred
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Thanks for your input! My husband know I was having an affair three years ago with this man but we went through counseling and things were better for awhile and then it started back. He does not know the affair is currently going on. I decided today that I will not continue to lie and cheat. Thanks for being so honest with me.

December 7, 2003
1:12 am
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Zinnie
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Do you love either of them?

December 7, 2003
1:26 am
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mj
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Hi Winfred,
Self respect is so important isn't it.
Self esteem means more in the long run doesn't it. Good luck with figuring out what to do to regain your life back.

December 7, 2003
4:27 am
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vegas
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Winfred, "you're BEAUTIFUL!" My friend, "you are WORTH it!" If there is no one there to say these...say them to yourself...for yourself. I have a little journal where I (a codependent myself) keep all my affirmations and mantras.

And more importantly...."GOD LOVES YOU!"
You're so beautiful, you're so significant, you're worth so much that God sent His Son to die for you.

So, why, friend, do you allow yourself to be treated like some prostitute? You are worth SSOOOOO much more than that. You are not a piece of meat. You are not a slut or a whore. (I don't mean to offend you with such harsh labels. But, that is what this physician is treating you like...and you allow him to treat you like this. If it's any consolation...my pastor said those exact words to me.)

You do acknowledge that you are a wife. And, from all that you've told, I see two ways for you to make things right: 1. divorce; 2. end the relationship with the doctor and work on rebuilding the love with your husband.

Do you have children? How long have you been married? How is the relationship you and your husband have?

This will be tough. But, if you believe in God, also have faith that He will forgive you for your mistakes, take away your shame and guilt, and love you, give you the strength to make it through. Ask Him to did this for you. God can handle anything.

We'll be here for you whatever you decide. I know you know what is the right thing for you to do. Now, just find it in yourself to do it.

vegas

December 7, 2003
2:43 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey Winfred. Do you have any joys or loves outside of your relationships? Like a passion for poetry, painting, music, community service, gardening, sports... sometimes seeing yourself in these external things lets you see just how beautiful you are, and makes these other attentions unnecessary. Sometime to consider.

December 7, 2003
3:04 pm
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Zinnie
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Good points Ginger.

Sometimes, I think we get so caught up in our relationships, we forget that we have other talents.

Love,

Zinnie

December 7, 2003
9:46 pm
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Winfred
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THanks for being so honest. Vegas I love you for giving me the Christian advice. I say that I am a Christian but I have been behaving like Satan's daughter. I talked to my husband and confessed that I was a codependent and that I was still seeing the doctor. We are both hurting. He wants me to go back into therapy and he is willing to join me later. I know the focus must be on me--me fixing myself. Thanks to all of you that responded. Somone wanted to know if I loved either of them--yes I love my husband but I have a distorted view that love is when someone showers you with gifts and tell you everyday how pretty and special you are.

December 7, 2003
9:50 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Win,

Have you told the Dr. yet? I hope you can work out the issues with your husband, as it sounds like you really love him. Remember the grass only APPEARS greener on the other side!

I hope you and your husband can get through this. I'm glad he has agreed to go to counseling with you. So many women want to go, but have a spouse that says "I don't need it!"

Love,

Zinnie

December 8, 2003
7:26 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Mj touched on something that I'd like to elaborate on. You mentioned that your husband is busy. Mj said self esteem is important. I think there are women who don't sometimes feel appreciated (whether this is indeed the case, or not) and look for attention elsewhere. To reaffirm that self esteem. But those actions like you were taking, really only lower the existing self esteem and serve to make you more vulnerable for the next attack. To break the cycle you need help. You mentioned that you are a Christian. That should help you, to do what you know is right. (I am not trying to offend anyone here, but I am also and I know what it's like to suppress your beliefs and how wonderful it is to make things right again.....)

You can do it. You've already done the first step. What a blessing you have a husband who is so open to committing himself to this marriage even thru his pain. Good luck, and I do understand. I've had my trials also and I sympathize. I'm working on liking myself regardless of what anyone thinks of me.....I am finding it is the most wonderful thing. You have my best wishes!

December 13, 2003
2:21 pm
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vegas
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Hi, Winfred,

just wanted to know how you were doing.

vegas

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