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MissNhimNotWantN2 - Why am I doin this?
June 6, 2007
9:13 am
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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It's been just over a months since I told him I did not want to talk to him anymore. I know I did what needed to be done. Right after that I met someone else. Everything has been going fine. I honestly don't feel anything about this new relationship is unhealthy. It's like as soon as I cut the bad guy off, I opened myself up to something real and good, and it found me. He is totally emotionally availalbe, he's sweet, and I like him alot, and he likes me alot.

The thing is, I keep checkin on 'phone guy's' profile page to see if anyone has been visiting his profile...which means he's talking to other people. I found he has been, and I signed on last nite, to see if he was on. Now why am I dont this?? I shouldnt be. Why am I crackin the door open again. I know I wont initiate talkin to him, but the fact that I'm sort giving him an opportunity is what worries me.

Suggestions, thought?

June 6, 2007
9:38 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I went thru the same thing. And my ex was doing the same to me, perhaps still is.

I guess for me, I was looking for validation that his life was miserable...that karma caught up to him...hoping one day to see his myspace say "single" and have all pics of his GF down.

I really don't want him...he's trash and has no place in my life.

But there was some sick pleasure in checking out his profile.

In any case...one day he sent me an email telling me to stop stalking him....funny part was...he was stalking ME. (usually what we blame others for is what we are most guilty of ourselves).

Anyway, realizing how sick this was, I really vowed to stop what I was doing...however infrequent. Because I realized I was inviting this trash back into my life....however subtly.

So, it's been a while...and I feel better...it's like the "infection" is gone out of my system.

In the beginning, when we first split...it was like an addiction. But time really changed it and it became something I would do every couple of months...but even then was too much.

All I can say is resist the urge...like any addiction. Find something else to do. Write in a journal til the feeling passes. Write here. Find another hobby that is more gratifying. Focus on yourself. Log off the computer when you get the urge.

I wish I had better ideas....for me, it was just the stark realization that this crap wouldn't leave my life until I made it stay gone...and like you said....checking out their profiles is like leaving the door open a crack. I didn't WANT him back in....but I didn't want to stop looking either.

Now I realize that I was only hurting myself...and by doing it...left it open to HIM continuing to hurt me.

I turned a new page then...and haven't been back to ANY of my exes profiles...and stopped contacting even my ex-ex, who I stayed friendly with.

I have a happy relationship with my new partner, and I realized in order to give him wha the deserved, I had to close the book on the past.

June 6, 2007
12:31 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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You make a good point. It's not fair to my new partner that I give any focus to someone that person.

June 6, 2007
1:16 pm
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Loralei
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"I turned a new page then...and haven't been back to ANY of my exes profiles...and stopped contacting even my ex-ex, who I stayed friendly with.

I have a happy relationship with my new partner, and I realized in order to give him what he deserved, I had to close the book on the past."

Rising, that is exactly the way it should be. How I wish my bf would do that for me. It would make all the difference in the world. I'm so glad you have made that decision. Yes, it is something everyone deserves from their partner.

June 6, 2007
1:19 pm
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atalose
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Do you really want to give him the opportunity to cause you hurt and pain? I don't think you do and especialy not now that things are going so well for you and your new partner.
Put his profile to rest once and for all like you have with the phone calls. Delete it and delete the sight or what ever you have to do so you can't check it any more.
I think we all have done things like that. I remember when I broke up with an ex and for what ever reason I would drive by his work to see if he car was there. Why I did that I don't know thinking back now it was so stupid and I think what did that accomplish besides me wasting my time and gas. I think it was when I did stop that and stopped talking about him so much is when I was able to move past it all.
I am so happy you found someone real and available because you truely deserve it miss.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 6, 2007
1:37 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Loralei...I have to admit...it really took a while before I understood WHY it was wrong to keep the past in my present.

I don't even think I really "get it", other than knowing I am "tired" of it, and tired of it coming back again and again.

I truly DO want to be done with it.

I could see how some people don't think there is anything wrong with it...especially if the exes are on good terms.

But I came to the realization with the ex-ex that as much as I cared, I really was secretly holding onto some hope of "something" someday. And once I came to believe that I didn't want anything anytime, I was able to let it go. I was only able to do that once I really saw him for who he really is - no rose colored glasses, no fantasy. Once I recognized what we would have if we stayed together, i realized it wasn't what I wanted.

So, I closed the chapter.

With the ex - it was a totally different story....I lurked cuz I wanted to see karma at work. I WANTED some kind of payback. I wanted revenge..even if not at my hands...so I kept looking for it.

But the reality is, I was spending time and energy on useless pursuits...time better spent on more healthier pursuits....my life today and my partner...and my child.

June 6, 2007
3:05 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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the reason I know he's talking to other people is because I can see how many people have visited his profile by the number count. I had been checkin it all month, and it just recently jumped a few numbers, so I know he talkin to people online. Now, Im' not surprised at that, I mean, I quit talking to him, so I guess he's findin other people on the internet to talk to....I guees what bothers me is to think about if he starts taking to someone else, will he meet them in person- and why wouldnt he ever meet me? I never got the chance.....but again, why would I want to....I know all the answers. he's showed me what type of person he is....and I've thought lately, wow, he really must have been so insecure about himself to not want to meet me. I'm an attractive, nice, caring guy....why wouldnt he want to? maybe because he was afraid he wouldnt live up to my expectations?

I still have mixed emotions about him.

June 6, 2007
3:15 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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and maybe he will string THEM along just as much...ever consider that?

leopards don't change their spots.

if they have issues, they don't go away with the next partner.

I think it's that whole "I hate you, don't leave me" thing we have going on in our heads...there is a book about it, titled just that.

The reality is, we need to realize that they aren't worth OUR time. And stop thinking that it's US that aren't worth their time. It isn't us.

We are too good for them and that probably scares them.

Find someone else that is your equal, that is ready to commit, ready to date, ready to give the same you want to give.

And stop thinking it is a reflection of your worth that he wouldn't meet you....cuz most times, it has nothing to do with us, and all about them.

June 6, 2007
3:17 pm
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bevdee
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Oh MissN

It's one guy you met via the internet and telephone. I hate to see anyone take that rejection so personally, because it happens somtimes. I doubt that he will meet the other people either. From what you described, he was working through coming out - is that correct? Would you really want to be his transition man? The therapist for all his angst in choosing a new lifestyle? To me, that sounds like too hard a row to hoe. It doesn't sound like you would get much in return. You deserve way better than that.

Do you think checking that profile is a little obsessive?

(((MissN)))

June 6, 2007
3:22 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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also, checking our exes profile is also self defeating...in that it feeds our negative self worth that runs thru out head.

we look at their profiles and imagine the worst about OURSELVES...why would he reject ME? what is wrong with ME? how come he won't be with ME?

it's in our own best interest to stop checking, so that we can start learning that it's not about what we did wrong...and that we ARE valuable...even if this person didn't see it.

and given the situation - as you said - you really don't want him anyway.

I just wonder if checking his profile is more about wondering what he is up to, or MORE about feeding the negativity and proving to yourself that you aren't worth it.

That's where you have to change the patterns.

June 6, 2007
3:35 pm
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bevdee
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Rising!

"I just wonder if checking his profile is more about wondering what he is up to, or MORE about feeding the negativity and proving to yourself that you aren't worth it."

I never thought of that- obsessing about ourself - negatively.

June 6, 2007
3:43 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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hell yeah! when I am feeling shitty about me...the best way for me to prove that I am worthless is to go to his profile and see how wonderful she is and how pretty and how happy he is and imagine all the things they have that we didn't have.

Then it proves it...I am worthless...just like I thought.

OF course, this all happens on a subconcious level...but it happens.

And proves to me that he didn't love me cuz I was fat, short, stupid and so on ....that I wasn't good enough, leggy enough, party enough, pretty enough, young enough, skinny enough and that's why it didn't work for us.

Oh yeah...it's more about feeding our own sense of low self worth than worrying about them.

And that destructive pattern is what we have to stop. Not cuz we are stalking them, but because we are HURTING ourselves.

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