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**missing you, my friend GG...**
May 6, 2007
9:32 am
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ggfred4
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I just started a thread for you last night,,,I hadn't heard from you and was wondering how you were doing and if PS or JC were having havoc w/you.

How are those boys?

gg

May 8, 2007
7:34 am
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needtoheal
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GG and Mich--

Missing you both and still holding you close to my heart..

May 8, 2007
8:58 am
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The boys are doing well. thanks for asking. they are still having a hard time with the disappointment in regards to their father. My oldest especially is having a hard time. He has been crying at night when he tells me that his father refused to take a picture that he made for him to put up in his house when indeed he does have pictures from his girlfriend's sons all over the house. When M told his father how he felt, his father responded "you try to make 4 kids happy 24/7"... what a response, huh? Then he said that he could "stay living with his mother"..
That is slugshit at his best.

I had some childhood memories return from the days before my brother's friend had molested me. My best friend when I was young, passed away at the age of 37 from ovarian cancer. It was definitely a wake up call for me to proceed with my life as fufilling as possible because as we all know, life is too short...
When I saw her for the last time it reminded me of those peaceful childhood memories of when I did not know my brother's friend.. of the times that i could be a child..

i think of you both often and i love you both with all my heart...

love,
NEED

May 14, 2007
4:33 pm
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needtoheal
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GG--

Missing you terribly.. I posted what has been going on lately to clownface on that thread.. I hope all is well with you...

I am holding you and also my angel, Mich as well...

love ya

NEED

May 14, 2007
6:08 pm
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I have been worried about you. Thanks for checking in.

Love ya too,

gg

May 15, 2007
9:55 pm
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needtoheal
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GG---

How are you feeling? Are you still having those headaches at all? How is school going? I cannot believe that there are only a few more weeks left of school..

The boys are excited about the summer. They want for us to take a vacation. I am not sure that all three of us can get away somewhere together. We might just have to take day trips and go to the places they like such as the lake, the zoo and the shore..
I wish we could go away from NJ for a while. Who knows.. I am saving some money so that if an opportunity does arrive, we can go somewhere..

I am doing alright. Things have calmed down with me and JC. She has finally let go of asking me to be in a relationship with her. We are now relating so much better as friends.

thinking of you and holding you close sister...

love,
NEED

May 17, 2007
5:18 pm
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needtoheal
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GG---

I know that today is your first day at counseling.. Good luck and I am so proud of you !!!

Just want you to know that I love you.. and so do your nephews!!!

love,
NEED

May 19, 2007
10:26 am
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needtoheal
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Hi GG--

Thinking about you.. How was your counseling session? I hope that it went well...
I am thinking about finding a new counselor..
Hope all is well...

Love ya lots,
NEED

May 19, 2007
11:57 am
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Hey sweetneed!

Actually, I was a nervous wreck as that ADD went into overdrive. I would love to see those notes she was taking behind that folder of mine. Now that I think about it, I was assessing her too. I almost laughed at the painstaking method of notetaking while I was talking...like I wasn't supposed to know she was taking notes. I also caught on to her movements, when I realized she was trying to make me look her in the eye when I talked. It made me wonder if I do that to others...think I do...

I probably through her for a loop as I was talking, jumping from one thing to another. I even interrupted her...so ADD...

I don't know...gonna give it a chance...she is so softspoken and kind. I think I might need a more pushy person??? Who knows, I am not a therapist.

I have just stored away the conversations since the night I got home. Honestly, don't want to think or deal with it. Hey, it's the weekend.

ONE MORE WEEK OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

May 19, 2007
11:15 pm
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needtoheal
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ONE MORE WEEK OF SCHOOL>>>WOW!!!

Your youngest nephew went on his class trip (the first and second graders went together) to the New York Aquarium on Coney Island.. He said that he had a great time!

So both of my kids went on their class trips this year out of state..

The last day of school is June 20th..

I am proud that you went to your therapy session. It is unnerving when the other person is taking notes. My psychiatrist does the same with me at my sessions..

I miss you sooo much..

Thinking of you

love,
NEED

May 19, 2007
11:47 pm
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Miss you too need...Glad my youngest nephew had a great field trip!

How are YOU doing????

gg

May 20, 2007
5:45 pm
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Hi GG--

I am having a terrible day.. very emotional.. maybe due to the lack of sleep since Milo gets up so early to go outside.. at least Mandy sleeps in.. Having these puppies is like having babies all over again!! Not complaining; just stating facts!

JC went out with some friends last night (one of which was her former girlfriend); She left me a message on my cell phone to call her so I did once a few hours later because I had the phone turned off..

She told me that she was up here in North Jersey with some friends and I told her to have a good time and I would talk to her tomorrow.. Then I called her back because I wanted to tell her something. Her friend answered the phone and there were others in the background laughing at me.. so I did not say anything and hung up the phone.. GG-- I was so upset.. It reminded me of when I was in college and how the others would laugh behind my back at me; Plus I thought that it was her ex-girlfriend who answered..

I turned off the cell phone. Then the house phone rang and it was a text message that was sent to the house: THIS TIME IT WAS HER EX-GIRLFRIEND WHO SAID "HI honey... do you miss me?"

That really bothered me!

I was done!
I sent a text message telling JC to leave me alone and I wish not to remain friends with her. (she knows that I was afraid that this would happen because her ex-girlfriend is an extremely jealous person; I want nothing to do with this girl at all)

SO all day today JC spent hours trying to reach me so that she could talk to me;
she sent me text messages wondering why I was sooo upset.
I explained my feelings to her but that did not seem to matter at all;

Just when things were going ok between us this happens; I am just done with people bringing me down.. I cannot take it anymore.
She then gave up after a few hours and sent me a text message that she does not need me at all and I do not need her because I already have someone who treats me like shit. (meaning you-know-who....PS)

I am feeling the same way about how things are between me and PS as well.. The other night the boys wanted to rent some video games from the video store. He has a membership there and since we were going past the place I asked him if we could stop there.. He asked me if I had the money to rent the games and I did.. I used my credit card which was denied (although I did make a current payment).. So I turned to him and asked him If I could BORROW $10 until we got back to my house since I had cash at the house... HE ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME!!
THis is a man that had no problem using his credit card for some so-called friends of his who ended up using his credit card for THOUSANDS of DOLLARS!! Here I was willing to pay him as soon as we got back to my place. I asked him did he have enough money on him and he said that if he gave me the $10 all he would have left is a $50 bill!!!!!!!!!

What I am feeling so bad about is that here I have been complaining about these two people who have been in my life and YET I still have not gotten them out of my life completely. I feel as if I am a failure especially to my best friends who I talk to about these situations often.. I do not want others to feel sorry for me; I know that I do Have a CHOICE and therefore I know that this shit is the consequences of my ACTIONS...

I know that my friends love and care about me and support me.. I know that no matter what.. I guess I am just having some bad days and hopefully I will get back up.. For JC and PS, they both feel as if I cannot get over things.. Why is it that I have to be the one who always have to get over things? If they had not treated me with such disrespect, then there would not be a conflict..

thanks for listening.. I feel embarassed even talking about it because I know that I have said many times before that I was going to be PS FREE AND JC FREE but it is so difficult for me.....

I love you and miss you lots..

love,
NEED

May 20, 2007
5:50 pm
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needtoheal
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I also want you to know that I am so proud of you for starting counseling.

I have decided that I need to definitely go back to a counselor. I need someone to talk to; I need some guidance..

You have motivated me a lot and I just want to say thanks..

May 20, 2007
7:21 pm
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Need, first of all, you are HUMAN!!! Humans are not perfect. Do NOT feel embarrassed. Some people stay in relationships and never get to "free" when they should attempt it. I have been struggling over my marriage. Is it out of convenience? Is it love? I don't know, but guess what?...I am not even dealing with it. You at least are trying.

I have decided to not focus on my marriage and to focus on me and then see where it goes. I have so many conflicts within concerning the subject.

Personally, I would like to you to have No Contact with either JC or PS, but that is not my choice. You are a compassionate person, it is obvious with the love for your children. I think we both need to work on ourselves first, but again, that is my opinion. I hate seeing you get down on yourself over it.

I care need....

Love,
gg

May 20, 2007
8:14 pm
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needtoheal
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GG--

I think that NO CONTACT is the way to go with either PS or JC OR BOTH!! I think that I do need to start taking care of myself but the problem with me lies when I get lonely or needy...

I want so much to be happy and sometimes I do feel the happiest when I am all alone..

I am going to do a list tonight of the pros and cons of being around both of them..

I cannot take it anymore... I really feel as if I am not at all being respected and I am tired of them both treating me as if I am a piece of dirt. I have helped both of them and they have helped me but they both feel that they can just attack me with words whenever they are TIRED, HUNGRY, MAD, etc... What about me???????

I know that I have taught them both how to treat me.. for what is acceptable... and what is not..

I am done GG...

It hurts.. I'd much rather be ALONE!!

May 20, 2007
10:53 pm
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Need,

It breaks my heart to read what you have posted here. There is hope for all of us. I promise. Ok??? It just isn't going to happen as quick as we might like it to.

I love you, and at all costs...remember that you have four sisters who love you and care about you NO MATTER WHAT. I LOVE YOU. We are here for you. Support is something that I hardly feel adequate in saying I can offer right now...but...my heart is ALWAYS there...ALWAYS. My arms are always open. I can always hold you and love you.

You are sweet Need. You are a good woman, and you deserve NOTHING less than the best. You will get there. OK??? Time will get you there sweets. Take it one day at a time. PLEASE. Don't try to take it all on at once. It sounds to me like you are expecting more than you are capable of today. PLEASE....be careful.

I love you.....

Mandy

((((((((Need)))))))))

May 20, 2007
11:58 pm
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needtoheal
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Thanks Mich..

I know that your heart is always here and I know that you care about me and love me for who i am.. and value me... thank you for all of that .. especially for all of those cyber hugs that you give.. ((MICH))

I know that this all takes time.. I know that it does.. It has taken me a LONG time to get from where I was as a second grader who was continually molested until 7th grade when the abuser who was 7 years older than me had to go away to college....

I was reading what WD had written on the libs side about abuse....

GG-- I know this shook you up because of the abuse from your father..

I think WD is right.. I think that I have taken the abuse of JC AND PS personally when quite frankly they both would continue to abuse people no matter who it is; (of course unless they sought help and changed themselves)....

I think I often care too much; love too much...

I think that I try sooooo hard to be whatever I can be for a person that I lose my sense of worthy... And then when the person abuses me whether it is psychologically or emotionally I feel that I am worthless.. I feel as if I deserved it; or that what they tell me is TRUE..

like when PS will tell me that whenever I ask him questions about why did he treat me the way that he did, he will then respond by saying that I am a pain in the ass and that I need to get over it... like when I told him that it was unacceptable that he rolled his eyes at me when I asked to borrow $10 until we got to my house... He quickly said "OH GOD, GET OVER IT ALREADY"/... then I said that the kids pick up on what he does, he then said "NO, they pick up on YOU BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS".....

JC said the same thing to me today about when her friend answered her cell phone last night and then were laughing in the background because I called and expected to speak to JC but someone else answered... So today after I told JC how I felt she told me "GET OVER IT"....

Why is it that i surround myself so much with people who do not respect my feelings... ??

Why is it that I continue on this path of self-destruction???

Why is it that I believe them when in fact I know the difference??

Why is it that I settle for less than what I do deserve??

It is like teaching my children to not touch the stove while I am cooking because it is hot and if they touch it, they will get burned...

So they will perhaps do it.. and not do it again because it hurt...

SO why don't I stop???

I know that I need to take care of me.. I know that I have to set boundaries because when i do, I feel so much better.. Yes, I might be alone but I already have found that I am NEVER alone.. I know that I do have sisters who love and care for me no matter what.... I know this is true...

I am so sorry.. I know that I have not been here in a long time.. I thank you for standing with me.. and thanks for offering the hugs and holding me...

Guess it is one of those days.. Sure could have used something from Sloppy Joe's but they close early on Sundays......at least for now until SUMMER..... then they are open late..

Sure wish you both could stop by and let your nephews show you both a great meal.... They would love to see their AUNTIES!!!! Trust me, they know that I am loved by all of my sisters...

love ya
NEED

May 22, 2007
11:42 am
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((((((((((NEED))))))))))

May 22, 2007
1:59 pm
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((((~~Need~~))))

I'm with Michy when reading your posts... it breaks my heart to read. I can sooo relate to your confusion, your pain as well as your questions as to why.

Why is it that i surround myself so much with people who do not respect my feelings... ??

Why is it that I continue on this path of self-destruction???

Why is it that I believe them when in fact I know the difference??

Why is it that I settle for less than what I do deserve??

Those questions Sweet Need are easily answerable (were therapy helps). The unfortunate part as many are aware – is that it takes hard work along with the steadfast desire to make those questions become fixable and not apart of our vocab anymore. The questions are fixable sis.

For me the answers laid in my low self-worth…didn’t think I deserved better. Why did I think that? It came from the messages I was fed either verbally (from my brother then later my X) and non-verbally from my absent father along with his many broken promises. All my adult years I've surrounded myself with people who have just replaced the roles of my brother, my father, and my X. (and gosh darn it now thinking the current man in my life just might be filling one of those roles as well- SHIT!!- sorry just had a lightbulb moment here.) Anyhow... What I’ve been working on in this last year is clearing out all those old messages and replacing them with a first time ever - self-love. And at the rate I'm going I may end up becoming a narcissist ! JK. but tell ya if that happened I'd take that any day over beating the hell out of myself as I have for yrs - no way to live.

A great time to start digging in is when we are in deep pain-for me it started on the No Contact Thread over Mr Potato Head-I’ve said this a hundred times- but landing here on AAC along side the wonderful group of people here (including you sis) I attribute to where I stand today- a new person, a new person who is still growing, still has the desire to continue on this path, and a new person who on occasion still has slips into her old thinking- but a new person who now has the skills/tools to pull herself out of it (as well as being able to see things/connections when she thinks about it!! argh- sorry again - just thinking about NG-my current love interest). Where was I?!!

OK... Today for me it has become a total choice (and say – meds & vitamin supplements have helped me too) whereas before I didn’t know any way different. Hope that made sense. One example is yesterday morning I started in on a mini session of obsessing, which then lead to the start of negative thinking about myself all because I didn’t hear from someone when I wanted to. Now a year ago I would have gone absolutely crazy in the head with no way to stop it-didn’t know how, didn’t have the skills- the tools. Today I do now how to stop it, and today it is now a choice.

Hmmmm guess when I think about it, a year ago it was a choice as well, a choice to get the insanity in my head and in my life to stop. Its been a long year Need but has been so worth it. I'm looking forward to another year of even more growth (the tears & the deep pain have finally stopped) and maybe even a few more mistakes to learn from as well ; )

Here’s to recovery sis!! You can do it Need. Start with where you are today.

I love you sis…just saying that put this huge smile on my face thinking about the ‘afghan days’ : )

Your big sis,

Lovinglife

May 23, 2007
3:32 pm
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(((FRIENDMA)))

((LOVINGLIFE))

((MICH))

((GG))

Thank you all for the support and encouragement... I love you all..!

Friendma-- thanks for the cyber hug.. thinking about you and hope you are doing well..

LL-- been missing you A LOT BIG SISTER!!! I am trying so hard to think about things.. Life is too short.. It makes me wonder what it is that I want and what do I need for me to be happy whether that is with someone or alone!

I do have some answers to my own questions as to why... I know that it has a lot to do with the betrayal of my parents when i was young. (neither protected me at all from being molested -- even when my father saw him doing in with his own eyes)... UGH

thanks for the encouragement.. I know that it is a step at a time.. I am doing the best that I can.. I just wish that I did not have so much going on all the time..

I love you all....

NEED

May 23, 2007
10:02 pm
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Need~

You're right 'Life is too short'- I have said those words so many times during this past year...believe its become one of my greatest motivational sayings to keep moving forward..."Don’t waste any more time LL on the misery you've lived most of your adult yrs in...live life today as if tomorrow was your last day here..." I love the song by Tim McGraw… “Live like you were dying.” And as of late another song I think of when I’m feeling ‘questionable’ within myself is by Martina McBride… “Anyway” (thanks to Michy for the lead on that song- I don't do country : )

Need...if you knew you only had 24 hrs left...what would you do? Who or what would be of the greatest importance of where you’d want to spend time with? How would you want to feel during those 24 hrs? What would you do differently today verses yesterday?

May 25, 2007
9:23 am
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Thanks for posing those questions to me big sis... I have been giving it some thought..

GG-- How did the last week of school go for you? Just wondering if You are still having those headaches? I still have some at times.. they come and go. I am attributing it to stress..

Mich- How are you my angel? So proud of you for all that you have done. I love you soo much and miss you!

Well..., JC has decided to reknew her friendship/relationship with her former girlfriend.. YEAH! I felt so much relief when she told me that she was going to work on things with this woman.. Hopefully she will let go of me since I am sure she is tired of the rejection... I knew that all the time that JC was telling me that she wanted to be with me she was also talking to this woman and telling her the same thing. I suspected it when last Saturday night this woman reacted the way she did towards me when I had called JC.. THen the other day JC stopped by the house for a few minutes before she had to go to work and her "POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND" (as she would refer to her as), drove by us as we were getting out of our separate cars.. This woman was driving like a maniac past us and shaking her head furiously at JC.. SO when she came inside the house she told me that she has been lying to me.. that ever since she got out of the hospital she had been telling her potential that she loves her and wants to work out things with her. Meanwhile she was saying the same thing to me.. NO wonder why her potential had been so nasty to me when I had called JC that night and NO wonder why she was driving by so mad and shaking her head at JC...
So it did not suprise me at all.....

I just feel so much relief.. I also set boundaries with her as well.. I told her that she can no longer stay here when she needs a place to stay! Those times are done!!

LOVE YOU ALL!!!

NEED

May 25, 2007
9:42 am
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Need, no headaches in awhile! I have to go back to the neurologist soon, past due on my followup. I just don't want another brain MRI and he kinda led me to believe I would have one on the next visit. So, I have cancelled twice.

Today is my LAST day!!! I will have completed 25 years in this profession...never thought I would have made it at times.

I am so proud of you for making the boundary with JC and that you found out how she was handling you and the other friend at the same time. You sound good girl!!!

Love ya,
gg

May 25, 2007
10:20 am
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(((((NEED)))))

May 25, 2007
10:20 am
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(((((LL)))))

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