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MISSING THE EX...NOW WHAT??
September 30, 2003
6:14 pm
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bonitaflora
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Hopefully I can make this short and sweet.

Married at 24, back in 1997
Divorced in 2001, due to my guilt of cheating on him. He was and still is in love with me. After several attempts to rekindle our marriage, we divorced.

June of this year, I remarried. Been really depressed and no where to go.

Today, I saw my ex at my hair salon, he looked so good and my heart just dropped. We didn't say anything to each other, just looked. Funny thing is I had a gut feeling I was going to see him.

Bottom line is I feel terrible how things ended between him and I, but feel if I do talk to him, he will probably feel vulernable and think other things which cannot happen. I do miss him and just wished we could talk with no strings....

Thanks for your inputs.

September 30, 2003
6:30 pm
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Anam Cara
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Sit on your hands - bind your feet - take deep breaths - hold tight your heart. Think kind thoughts about him - leave him stay - maybe this is the kindest thought you could wish him. Re-kindled hurt -second time around can be greater than the original.
Poor people my love bleeds for you both!

Anam

October 1, 2003
5:06 pm
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bonitaflora
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Thanks Aram...but it is a tad difficult. See my ex didn't know I had the affair. Just out of my stupidity and guilt, I did anything possible to not be with him...he was and still is a great person. I just need to talk to him without any strings, thats all.

October 1, 2003
6:08 pm
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unhappy camper
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If you go with your ex now, you will be cheating on your new husband.

Are you sobatoging your marriages on purpose? Why do you think you act this way?

Could it be to punish them or yourself?

October 2, 2003
1:26 am
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free
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If you could talk to him, what would you say?

free

October 2, 2003
2:58 pm
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classcharm
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for his sakes, so he can heal for himself and move on, please leave him alone. i know you feel bad right now for having cheated on him and want to make yourself feel better, but try to put yourself in his shoes. doesn't he deserve to be left alone to sort out his anger, sadness, sense of betrayal. this healing time is about him. it shouldn't be about you trying to lessen your guilt. you are in another marriage. the best way for you to feel better about yourself is to honor that vow. your healing is your to deal w/ on your own. i think you are a brave person to seek for answers...brave enough to tend to your wounds yourself. good luck.

October 2, 2003
3:05 pm
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sixfootblonde
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a little contact leads to a need for more contact sometimes. contact that can go nowhere.

take it easy on your own heart as well as his and as anam wrote so beautifully, leave it be.

a remembered ache can become a breathtaking agony in too short of a time......

October 2, 2003
3:28 pm
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artist 2
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If you're planning on telling him you had an affair, DON'T. What would it gain you now? Except to relieve your guilt. It would only cause him pain. Make sense?

October 4, 2003
8:54 am
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bonitaflora
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Hi all...

Thanks for all your thoughts; however, in response to several of your questions...I don't know why I am sobatoging my marriage now or in the past...I just don't feel happy. I now realize what a fool I was to my ex and I wanted to talk to just apologize for my actions, however, I would not tell him about the affair. That would do me no good. I will have to live with that until I die.

He will always be a part of me and I of him...I still love him. I just don't know what to do.

Anyhow...thanks again.

October 4, 2003
9:15 am
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mj
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Hi Bonitaflora,
I have learned that no one can make me happy but me.

Maybe if you focus on you and think about what makes you happy and start doing it, others will gleam from your example.

I went through lots of stages of missing significant people in my life, but ultimately no one can fix us, only we can fix ourselves. Think about what you fear and want and do something special for you.

October 4, 2003
9:41 am
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sixfootblonde
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Exactly. It seems to me that we project things onto others and then when that person is absent from us for whatever reason, we panic because we have given this person superhuman qualities and abilities in our minds. When it would be so much better to cultivate these qualities in ourselves, and in our image of ourselves. The confidence we would then feel and project would attract healthy like-minded people instead of the sort that prey on weaknesses we have. These weaknesses sometimes maybe project something that unhealthy people pick up on and are drawn to; together then we repeat these unhealthy patterns and basically spin our wheels in the mud, going nowhere.

Did I articulate that so it's understandable? It's early..... 🙂 lol

October 5, 2003
4:06 pm
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bonitaflora
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Sixfootblonde and MJ,

Very well put..I try to focus on myself, then when I do, I am consider the evil, the b----, of the family who doesn't know what she wants or doesn't know what she is doing. It apparent to all who know me I cannot say no!!! So I don't know how to focus on myself.

For some odd reason I just feel this overwhelming feeling of needing to talk to my ex, thats what prompted this whole email, funny thing is I saw him again at the mall. In my mind, I think that someone up there is trying to tell me something. Who knows? I am just so miserable, I can't stand it anymore....

I am feeling no completeness in my life. I am in school onto a new career, but that isn't helping...geez, I just wanted things to be the way they were 4 years ago...I was happy, content, married and living life..I don't know what the heck happened.

Thanks for listening...:-{

October 5, 2003
7:58 pm
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unhappy camper
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I miss my husband too. I decided today to maybe meet other guys but not in a hurry and don't care if I do. I love my husband and feel like I am cheating on him.

We can't live together as things stand. So I decided I would wait and see what he does. If he goes to a psychiastrist eventually and really makes some progress someday, I would take him back after marriage counselling, but I'd be ready with one foot out the door if it went even a tad sour.

Unfortunately, I know it won't happen. And I'd hate to know that I was a fool again. I'd have to lay some pretty hard groundrules. He'd actually have to care about them and follow them. It's all a pie in the sky dream.

Just a dream. A nice dream, but a dream. Oh my....sigh.

October 6, 2003
3:56 pm
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bonitaflora
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Unhappy Camper...

I feel what you are saying, but at least you can have him back, if you wanted you choose not to. There is nothing wrong with that, only you can make that choice. However, in my situation, I am already in another marriage that I know will not go anywhere. Due to my lack of patience and afraid to be alone made my decision to remarry, not because I truly was in love with him. We all have soul mates, mine just be with me...misery likes company I guess.

Thanks for reading...

October 9, 2003
3:05 pm
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bonitaflora
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well i did it...i sent my ex a text message to call me...so far no reply...or maybe i just have the wrong number...we shall see.

i went pass his house today, but he wasn't there...i can't stop thinking about him...

i am going crazy here...

needed to get this off my chest...

thanks

October 15, 2003
3:15 am
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ReLearning2LiveGirL
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Why did you leave your ex in the first place?

October 15, 2003
7:38 pm
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shrippe_jess
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Did you leave him or did he leave you? I know that it is hard getting out of relationships but what you need to think about is if you are making the right decision. I don't really know what happened between you two so I really can't give you much advice. Hope everything goes well with you. Good luck!

October 17, 2003
8:58 pm
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bonitaflora
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I am the one that made the decision (i wanted my independence)...and it was the worst decision I ever made. I know this is going to sound awful, but I am secretly seeing my ex-husband. We have been through so much heartache and such...but we always seem to find one another. I love him so much, that I am willing to loose everything I got once again to move with him. I am currently attending school, he wants me to finish before we go public. He has given me this last chance to prove my love for him. We are soul mates, even after 2 years of not talking or seeing each other until recently. Even though I am remarried, he doesn't consider it legitate (JP married us). Honestly, I only remarried because of finances...its awful I know...but, I was desparate at the time. My current husband doesn't belong being married...I have nothing against gays, but one would think he is. We don't kiss, make love takes 3 minutes. He doesn't hold me or talk to me like a husband should. To tell you all the truth, I think he is just money hungry...

I just pray and pray...that my inner soul will be at peace one day.

Thanks for reading.

October 17, 2003
9:08 pm
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mj
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bonitaflora, did I hear you correctly?
Your ex wants you to wait to leave your present husband until you finish school?

October 17, 2003
9:09 pm
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Hoopla
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Thanks for sharing. Follow your heart, but also remember to regard the feelings of all others involved. There's deception involved in this love triangle. Be honest, be intentional. If you handle it as best you can and using these tactics, you'll be self-assured regardless of the ultimate outcome. And...please don't be too attached to any particular outcome. Follow your heart. Keep us posted.

October 17, 2003
9:50 pm
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bonitaflora
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Yes to finish school...I was recently laid off...and have no college degree. So my ex wants me to finish which is understandable, being he has a good job..he was left with nothing after our divorce and doesn't want to end up in the hole again...he is such a strong person...he tells me he wants to grow old with me and wants me to bare his children...I was just soooooo stupid.

thanks for reading

October 17, 2003
9:51 pm
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mj
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So why are you waiting....Youre current husband is paying for school?

October 17, 2003
11:30 pm
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bonitaflora
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he is helping for sure...but i am putting in what i can...i still am collecting...besides i do everything else around here...so that is the reasoning...i know it may be wrong, but....

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