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missin babies
October 17, 2006
2:15 pm
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thumkin
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I think I am truly crazy. I was supposed to start my period yesterday. I havnt yet. I have not been late in forever. I am like clockwork on this. Sometimes a day early but never late. So today I have been all mopey. Stupid stupid me. A part of me wishes so greatly that I were pregnant. Will I ever get over that stupid surgery? It was five years ago last week that I had my tubes tied. I dont hate my ex-husband any more, or at least I dont think I do. I think I still have anger at myself for letting him make me do that. My baby is not a baby anymore and that part of me just cant help wishing that I had one more chance. To have a little baby boy. To hold my own precious little one.

That of course is what makes me crazy. I am too old for another baby. I am a single mom with three little girls. Like life is not hard enough right now as it is. I couldnt afford a new baby. Who knows where my relationship will be five years from now. While for the first time in my life I am with a man that is not abusive to me doesnt make it all right.

I just wish that I could stop this obsessive baby missing. I wish it would go away. I wish that everytime I do start I could go one month without wishing that I wouldnt have. I wish I could stop feeling like I let him take something away from me. I wish he would not have been so damn mean to me. I wish he could have been the person he told me he would be. I hate listening to my baby tell me he still loves me and how much she really misses him. And how if I would just move back in there he would still love me.

Thanks for listening to me rant. Sorry.

October 17, 2006
2:30 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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You know that I undersatnd your pain honey, and mine is still very fresh...I am thinking of you, and holding you close to my heart at this time..

(((thumkin))))

Love, Scared

October 17, 2006
2:39 pm
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thumkin
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Im sorry Scared, I was hopin you wouldnt see this one, I didnt want to cause you any more painful thoughts. But thank you for thinking of me.

October 17, 2006
2:54 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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You didn't cause me any more pain..honey. I just want you to know that I care, and I know your pain. You are a good person. You helped me, and I want you to know that I am here. Unfortunately on this one, I don't know what to say to comfort you, because I can't find comfort myself. But, I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone. Yours was 5 years ago, mine was 11 weeks ago today. The feelings are still the same. I know what you are saying. And what is wierd is that on Sunday, I woke up feeling nautious and it went away after about an hour. Yeah, that has happened every day for about three days. Sunday morning, we were sitting in church and I couldn't quit crying. It was that feeling of being pregnant and knowing that I am not. It was and is very hard to handle. I won't even tell my husband what my problem is right now. He will just laugh and say that I am being ridiculous. But, I know that you know what I am feeling, and what hurts about it. That makes me comfortable telling you, and I haven't told ANYONE, not even on this site about that. Just know that I am holding you close. And, by the way, PLEASE do not ever not post something for my benefit. If you have a heartache, you share it sweetie, that is what we are here for.

Love as always,

Scared

Still holding you close (((thumkin)))

October 17, 2006
3:01 pm
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thumkin
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Thank you so very much. I am crying now. It is just amazing to know that someone else knows EXACTLY what I am feeling. I wish I could tell you it goes away. The hurt and emptiness you feel there. It does get better though, like I said I generally have the worst time with it right now when I start. Just that holding out that this month that baby found a way to be concieved. That doctor made the tiniest of mistakes and this baby made it.

Thank you (((SCARED)))

October 17, 2006
3:06 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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My intent was so not to make you cry. It doesn't take a mistake to let a baby slip through there. I just keep in my heart that if it is Gods will, that I will have another one. My doc said, I still have all the plumbing, the just have to fight harder to get there. I am sorry that you are struggling right now. I am too. The big difference is, I have a baby. That makes me sad for you, and for my future. The time will come that I will not have a "baby" anymore. I do worry about what that point in my life will bring. My heart aches for you, because I do know what you are going through. I hope that it does get better for you and I both. You are a great person, and I appreciate you so. I also agree, it is helpful to know that someone totally understands what the pain is that I am feeling. Stay strong. I am pulling for us both.

Scared

October 17, 2006
7:10 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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bumping this for thumkin....she needs our support...

October 18, 2006
10:25 am
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thumkin
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I still have not started and it is driving me up the wall. All kinds of thoughts racing through my head. All wrong. I know so, but my head cant tell my heart. I am trying to be reasonable. Not understanding why it didnt start on time. I swear for five years I seemed to wait for this to happen and every month I would start on time. It sounds crazy I know but now I am late and cant figure out why, I would rather have just faced the depression and moved on with my month.

October 18, 2006
10:48 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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HOney,

I am still thinking about you. I am so sorry that you are having to face this. Do you typically have any signs before you start that you are going to? Do you feel like you are going to start? I woke up nautious again today too. We can dream, but I totally understand the desire to just start and get it over with. I am so sorry for you. I will continue to keep you in my heart. Please keep in touch. I wish I had something more helpful to say. All I can say is that I know your pain, and I am sorry that you are facing it.

Scared

October 18, 2006
10:51 am
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thumkin
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Thanks Scared, As soon as I finally start Ill be able to move on. The funny thing is I dont feel right. Usually there are signs and they are not there. I dont feel like I should be starting any time now. BUT I dont know if thats all in my head or what. But I really do appreciate your thoughts and replies. I wonder if I could just forget about it if it would go back to normal. Like maybe its stress that has me not starting.

October 18, 2006
10:59 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Forgetting about it is easier said than done though, and I know that. Just try to keep yourself busy so it is not a constant thought. Is there any chance that you could be pregnant? I am smart enough to know that the chances are slim with a tubal, but I was just asking. You know that if you run out and buy a pregnancy test you're sure to start right? That always worked when I didn't want to be pregnant, and even sometimes when I did. I know how tough that this is, and I hope you know how sorry I am for you. Please try to take good care of you.

Scared

October 18, 2006
11:21 am
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thumkin
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If I had not had a tubal I would probably be pregnant because I had the tubal we dont use any other form of protection and we are active. I guess I could run out and buy a test today to see if I can get the thing kickstarted but then I would probably shake and get my hopes up waiting for that 1-3 minutes to go by. But I know what you mean. When I was younger anytime I was paranoid all I had to do was buy a test and I would start. Goodness you gave me a smile with that one. Thank you. I dont think I have smiled in the last two days. That really felt good.

Thank You Scared (((Scared)))

October 18, 2006
11:29 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am glad that I could do that for you. It was just a thought, I do know the depression that you face when you so desperately want it to be positive and it isn't. Know also, I was not trying to give you false hope that you could still get pregnant. I just know that it IS physically possible, and it does happen. That is all. I am not trying to make it harder with false hope. I am thinking about you, and hoping that your day is filled with sunshine.

Scared

October 18, 2006
1:49 pm
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StronginHim77
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Sress and aging can both contribute to irregularity in our cycles. What I can totally relate to is the difficulty of facing New Passages in our lives. I have gone through the years of preventing an unwanted pregnancy before I was married, then miscarrying after being married, then remarrying and having two, full-term pregnancies, then having a hysterectomy at 44 and knowing I would never hold a sweet little baby in my arms again. All of these Passages are difficult. Each presents new problems, fears and heartache. But this is part of Life for women. Something a man cannot really relate to. I am now 56, past menopause and facing my senior years. It is scary as all get-out at times. Skin is sagging, collagen is breaking down and gravity is winning. I remember "turning heads" when I entered a room. Now, only a few of my peers turn to see if my clothes/jewelry surpass theirs. Life has changed and I am learning to accept it.

You are facing a new Passage. Don't fear it. Let it come and pass gently through the doorways. Each apparent "loss" holds a golden (if unseen) blessing. I am becoming freer with each passing year to develop my inner self, concentrate on MYSELF, rather than others.

Love,

Ma Strong

October 19, 2006
9:36 am
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thumkin
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Ok I made it, but it was a very long 3 days. Scared it still works, I bought a test yesterday and started yesterday evening. So now I guess if it happens again I can pull that test out of the cabinet and maybe it will kickstart me. Now that the wait is over I feel a whole lot better. I hope though that that never happens again.

October 19, 2006
12:05 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am glad to hear that. Thumking you are still in my thoughts. I think I am about to start as well....Keep smilin...

October 19, 2006
12:23 pm
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Anonymous
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Strong,

That was very well written and inspiring. I'm only 25 but it applies to everyone as they move through life.

Taking a pregnancy test really does work when your not starting on time. Lol..must be a woman thing;) I've had a few of those experiences...hehe

Thumkin and Scared, I'm sorry for your hurts. I wish I had something grand to say that would make it all go away but I can only offer my empathy. I was told I would never have children so I lived with that until I actually did get pregnant (not planned by me though!) I was 17 and I'll never forget that day, it was crushing! I don't know if I'll be able to have another one so I'm trying to enjoy my time with this guy to the fullest...right now is all we have, right?

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