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Missed you guys...Sam7
September 16, 2004
2:51 pm
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Sam7
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Hello All,

I've been swamped for the last 6 weeks, but things are finally settling down again. I've missed the outlet I've had here, in addition to the support and the insights, so I'm hoping to get chatting with you all again!

September 16, 2004
2:55 pm
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luvlee
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Hi Sam7,
I am new since you have been here but I have discovered that it is a great place to be!! =)

September 16, 2004
2:56 pm
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fairy99
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Hey Sam7

Hope things are going well. We have missed you. How are things going?

~~fairy~~

September 16, 2004
5:56 pm
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CAMER
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welcome back Sam7, you have lots of reading and catching up!!! hope all is well with you, glad to have you back!!!

hugs from camer

September 27, 2004
6:38 pm
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Sam7
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Hi all,

Thanks for the responses. I've been really busy lately. I started two new jobs, moved and started going to school again. It's been a bit hectic. I don't really like where I'm living, but it's about $600 cheaper than my old place all told, so it's a no-brainer. The new jobs have been stressful just cause of the learning curve and new responsibilities, but things are starting to settle down. I'm getting back to eating and exercising well after letting it slide during the transition period. I've had a lot of new insights with all the change, and am taking a break from current bf to try get more space and clarity. I'm hoping I'll have more time to correspond in the future!

September 27, 2004
9:29 pm
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CAMER
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Sam7, welcome back!!! wow have you been busy, busy, busy!! 2 new jobs, must have you being very tired! and with school too! At least you are saving lots of cash at your new place and exercising too, good for you!!

Glad you are still working on YOU and taking a break from your bf, please post again and let me know how you are doing with life & all.

hugs from Camer

October 12, 2004
2:37 pm
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Sam7
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Well, I'm finally making some time for me again. Did that a bit this weekend. Hung out in a sauna a bit. Thatwas really relaxing. And it was nice to have the long weekend.

I think I've gone a bit off the deep end again. I'm really reluctant to talke to any one about some of the stuff that 's been goiong on with me lately because I'm afraid of being judged or criticized for it, but I need to get it off my chest, so I'm going to talk to you all and hopefully someone will 'listen'!

I've taken a break from my current bf. Things have not been fun at all with him lately. We fight and sulk and he's needy and clingy, which is sending me up the wall. I'm beginning to wonder what I saw in him in the first place. I remember having a lot of fun with him when we were first getting to know each other, but not so much any more. We've totally settled into a rut and it's not fun or exciting. He always does exactly what I say and what I'm comfortable with, and never really pushes my boundaries or pushes his own. And I don't like that. And if I complained to him about it, he would do it because I was complaining about it, not becasue he's doing what he wants to do. Sometimes I feel like he's just a puppet waiting to be jerked around. And I don't want to pull the strings. I want someone who is stronger and more independent than that. It's very frustrating for me. At the same time, he is very tender with me and very emotionally available in some respects, and I really like that.

I really need the break. I'm tired of feeling like my body belongs to someone else and having my decisions influenced by other people's expectations and desires. I hardly ever do what I want to do. I'm too busy doing what I think I should be doing. And silnce I alwyas choose to be in a relationship, I always have that serioius of obligations.

I've started hanging out with my coda ex again. I'm not totally sure what I think of that. We are both different people, which is nice. We aren't fighting, he's less controlling and we're both much more honest with how we feel and why we're doing what we're doing. I really enjoy spending time with him, especially because I feel as though he really understands me. My bf doesn't, which is really frustrating for me. I hate trying to explain something to him and then having him argue with me about it. it's not arguable. And sometimes he just doesn't get it. I don't want to babysit, justify myself, or any of that other crap.

I still don't trust myself to make good decissions though. I'm not sure if I'm deluding myself or what. ANd something still doesn't seem right with my ex. I don't really feel like I'm madly in love with either of themn at the moment. I don't know if what I'm after is just the excitement of meeting someone new and starting a new relationship or of doing something different. I don't knwo if I'll ever really settle into a relationship or if I'll just bounce around fro the rest of my life. I have no idea how I'll ever be happy with same person all the time casue I keep getting bored. And I think that's more a problem with me than with them, and I may just have to make a conscious effort to deal with it at some point in time. if I do want a long term committment, but I don't think that I'm ready for that just yet.

Well, I feel much better just starting to get all that off my chest. Hopefully I'll have time to type some more soon!

October 12, 2004
3:25 pm
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CAMER
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welcome back Sam7, what are your "gut instincts" telling you?? to get away from your bf for good, or maybe rekindle the relationship with your "ex coda"?? Maybe if you gave yourself a break from ALL men for a bit and learn more about you, and your wants and needs, and remember you cannot change your current bf now..he is what he is, maybe too nice and doesn't like causing a stir with anything, so he just agree's with you. You have to decide if he is the one you still want to be with.

Take things "one day at a time" that's my motto, and be good to you on a daily basis.

Camer

October 12, 2004
4:17 pm
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Sam7
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Thanks Camer,

I've tried in the past to be totally single, but it brings out a really ugly side of me...the coda one, and I stop functioning and thinking rationally. I'm finding, so far, that this is the best balance that I'm able to strike, and it does enable me to spend time on me and worry about my issues. It's a bit crazy, but it's working for me...baby steps.Thanks for the feedback and I'll type more later!

October 12, 2004
4:30 pm
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fairy99
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September 27, 2010
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Maybe some time is what you need Sam. Some time for just you with no strings attached. Have some fun with some non committed relationships. Be with friends, treat yourself to weekends out. Build your heart back up and your mind before you saddle yourself with anyone. See how Sam likes Sam. I am glad you have come back I was wondering about ya. Glad to hear you are doing a little better.

~~fairy~~

October 15, 2004
3:42 pm
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Sam7
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Well I've managed to disentangle myself from serious committments to some extent. Technically, I'm not in a relationship, but I still see both the people I have my messed up feelings for. I'm flying by the seat of my pants and living in the moment a bit, which generates a lot of feelings of guilt and worry in me. I'm afraid of inadvertently hurting someone or of people disapproving of me or judging me. I wonder where my ridiculous amount of concern over what other people think comes from. I have slipped a little lately. I was doing a lot better at focusing on what I needed and what was best for me. I was feeling a bit happier too, when people weren't pushing my boundaries. But I've definitely back slid. However, on the plus side, I've recognized it after only a few weeks, not several months/years, and I'm taking steps to rectify it. I'm just trying to do what I realistically think I'm capable of. In the past, I've set myself goals that I can't meet, and I feel just awful when I fail. So I'm trying harder to be more realistic. Thanks for all the feedback and helping to keep me on track!

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