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Miss my girlfriend...
March 20, 2010
3:11 am
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Need Help2009
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Had a post a few days ago about my girlfriend and I taking a break from our relationship to focus on ourselves and give each other space. I realize it has only been a couple of days, but I really miss her and although we haven't talked to each other, I think about her constantly. I want to tell her I miss her, but I am respecting her space as was her request.

Also, I often wonder if she is thinking about me as much as I am about her. Is this normal or do I just need to get a grip lol? Don't be afraid to be totally honest!

March 20, 2010
9:20 am
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gettnthere
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It's probably normal...can you get away for a few days? A change of scenery?

March 20, 2010
9:31 am
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atalose
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Need,

I think it’s normal to think about someone you are separated from, we tend to only think about the good times and push those bad times to the back burner.

Obsessive thoughts about another person is a codie trait for sure. Our focus is always on someone else instead of ourselves. Learning to control those thoughts is key for our recovery.

It’s been said that codependency is a disease of our thoughts, learning new ways to cope rather then worry and obsess is how we begin to recover.

A break or separation from someone still keeps us tied to that person and the relationship. Our hopes are that we resolve issues to re-build the relationship so our obsession is on that rather then re-building ourselves.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 20, 2010
1:36 pm
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Yea I have been able to get away the past couple of days, and went out with some friends. I had a great time and it distracted me from her for the time being, but when I get back home where I am by myself...that's when I think about her again.

Not sure if it is just going to take time or what...I go back to school from Spring Break on Monday, so I will have my school work again to occupy my thoughts.

March 20, 2010
6:41 pm
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gettnthere
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Good luck with it. You might even discover you can enjoy the space. That you can rediscover some things about yourself. Keeping yourself busy is a good idea. But I think to a degree it's natural to wonder about someone who was there one minute and gone the next in the immediate term. Perhaps if the thoughts don't subside you could seek some support from the counselling services on campus. You don't want to compromise your education if you can help it. I have done that in the past. It's an expensive repercussion to what you might be going through. Perhaps before you go back, start planning a study schedule and include the down time but try to commit to study time that will ultimatly benefit you whether you get back together with your girlfriend or not. Think about your education as something that is positive for your whole life; something that you are achieving for yourself. And congratulate yourself for it.

March 20, 2010
8:14 pm
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LouWho
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What was the title of your earlier post....would like more info.

March 21, 2010
4:00 am
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Good advice "gettinthere" I will definately do that. Cuz I understand without my education, I wouldn't have the job I have now. Furthermore, my last couple years of school are just as important to further myself!

As for LouWho...

My original post was "Confused...don't know what to think"

March 21, 2010
10:15 am
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LouWho
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Need more info-Consider the relationship as a whole:

Are there any definable patterns in your relationship where you see one person advancing (getting closer to one) and one person retreating (generally propelled by the action of the other coming closer)?

Does one partner tend to repeatedly "isolate" from the other?

Is one person more "in control" of the relationship than the other?

Are their any issues of neglect, mistreatment, abuse from childhood in either partner's family background/childhood? (This does not have to be as dramatic as incest; could be as minimal as neglect from one parent as a result of separation due to job or divorce.)

Do you find yourself considering her issues more important than those of your own? Does her life and needs eclipse your own?

Is there a need for constant contact from one or both in the relationship?

Is there a sense of perpetual urgency in the relationship? Is there more drama in this relationship than others you have observed?

Is one of you suffering/recovered from addiction issues? (Alcoholic, drugs, workaholic, overeating/eating disorder, hoarding, etc.) OR>>Were these issues present in the home and/or childhood?

I'm looking for coda traits and love addiction/love avoidance issues, since you are posting on a coda site, I must believe that you either suspect you are coda and that something is really wrong with one or both of you.

BUT--

If you are both "normal" in a "normal" relationship then I would tend to go with the standard answers, including but not limited to;
she's cheating or contemplating it,
fear of commitment,
looking for deeper commitment,
boredom,
growing pains/growing apart,
on the brink of depression (unhappiness with self and direction of career,not wanting to leave the stability of college and having to grow up and move on to next phase of life.)

I'd be interested in your answers.

March 22, 2010
12:28 am
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Need Help2009
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Well speaking of a pattern, we went through a similar situation last year at about this time. A phase where she wanted to go out and do on her own and not have to answer to anyone. I don't know if this answers your isolation question.

As far as control, we do a really good job of making decisions together and things to that nature. Neither me or her forces the other into something the other doesn't want. We share very well.

I don't feel her life eclipses mine. I have the ability to survive and live on my own without her if that is what you're asking. As it stands now, I am going to focus on my school and work as I have been.

By perpetual urgency...I am going to assume you mean does this relationship need to continue to last?

Other than that there are no other issues as far as abuse, neglect, addiction to drugs or alcohol.

One thing I do know of is she has always been self-conscious with her weight, but I have assumed that is the case with a lot of women due to what the media and celebs ideal "women" is (skinny and what not), but I have always told her I love her for who she is and she shouldn't compare herself to other people or what they think. She needs to be happy with herself. I give her that kind of encouragement and we also go work out together and that seems to make her feel good too.

We have talked about marriage before and she has mentioned she wants to be engaged within the next couple of years.

I have talked with my mom and she thinks it could be a combination of fear of commitment (moving in together) and also she may feel unhappy with the direction of her schooling. I know lately she has been unmotivated about school and saying she doesn't want to be up here.

Just thought of this too, but she has also mentioned her mom being on her case about our situation and her mom has told her she needs to figure out what she wants.

Wish I had more details on this but that is all I have for now...

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