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Mishy? What's up honeybunch?
December 27, 2005
3:48 am
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Lass
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Started a thread just for you.

LL

December 27, 2005
9:29 am
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Mishy2sons
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Oh! You and Shaney are so good and caring!

It is the same old crap. Hubby's drinking and abusive behavoir.

The holidays are hard on him. He has a lot of baggage from his childhood when his mother would ruin every holiday and family gathering by getting drunk. So, he has decided to perpetuate the family tradition by doing the same thing to his children.

He was actually pretty good this year on Christmas Eve, but only because we stayed at home with just the four of us and didn't have any festivities. I ended up going to church alone.

Christmas Day he was better than most years. He even stayed at my parents' house all day and didn't drink.

We had a realy rotten incident on Friday night. We were having sex (I can't say making love). I thought we were getting along ok, sort of making up.

He asked me for anal sex. I guess everyone has a place where he or she draws the line and that is mine. Some people might like that but I don't. I have had surgery for anal fissures and I only find anal play painful and a turn off for myself.

I've told him this over and over. Yet, every time we have sex, he insists on injuring me by pushing a finger up my behind. (Sorry this is going to be graphic.) I swear he gets off on hurting me.

If he wants anal stimulation, I don't mind providing it. I just don't enjoy being on the receiving end.

Anyway, when he was pushing for anal sex, I said, "If you must have that, I would prefer that you get it from a porostitute."

He said, "I want it from the whore I married."

Then, he tried to force himself on me. He is very strong and it was hard to fend him off. He just kept trying to force himself in. I only finally got him to stop by saying that this was rape and that I was going to call 911. He knows I am serious when I make that threat, so he backed down.

He has forced himself on me in the usual way (vaginally) many times. He takes sex whenever he wants it; it doesn't matter how I feel about it. But this was really crossing the line for me. I am very hurt.

So that is what is up with me.
Thanks for asking.
Mishy

December 27, 2005
1:29 pm
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Shaney
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I'm mortified and very hurt FOR you, I can only imagine how you must feel. That whole anal thing, fortunately, is a non issue with me - it's a one way street and that's all there is to it - so I'm understanding where you're coming from for sure.

Mishy - I hate that you are dealing with this sort of abuse - I don't get it at all. He controls everything, it seems - and the only way to change the situation is change yourself. How many times do we have to hear that before we finally take heed, and turn our attention away from the abuser, and turn it directly on to ourselves. It's so frustrating. Although I'm not dealing with the phsyical part of things, the controlling mental manipulation is there all the same.

All I can say is that we need to keep ourselves safe. And that means different things for all of us... you have children which is far different from my own situation where I only have myself and my dog to worry about... and I'm not married yet. (Ugh, the thought of being married sickens me at the moment.) All I can suggest at this point is for you to go to an Alanon mtg... sneak if you have to. He can't have an opinion about something that he doesn't know - I know you worry about what he'll say, but you need to go. It's a good place to start - and it can't hurt. Chances are, it will do some good - if it doesn't, you don't have to do anymore. But at least try it.

Let's also keep up with a daily thread like we had before. I miss that, and feel it's important to keep in touch with one another. I'm sorry we haven't talked to you about this sooner, Mishy - I know that I've been wrapped up in my own crap - but know I'm here for you.

Keep praying - that's one thing that we can count on for sure. :o)

Love Shaney

December 27, 2005
2:09 pm
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Mishy2sons
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Hi Shaney,
Thanks!
Yes, he showed a total and complete disregard for my feelings. He only cares about getting what he wants. He often says, "I give you everything." I've pointed out that he gives me what he thinks I should want or need, not what I truly want or need. I am speaking of material things and of immaterial things.

December 27, 2005
3:33 pm
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Only caring about what they want with total disregard for anyone's feelings but their own, seems to be a very common situation these days. I'm sick of it, to tell you the truth. I'm sitting here, so angry about how I run around keeping things glued together, while my bf continues to be a selfish idiot. To add insult to injury, he treats me like I'm the one with the problem and I'm making HIS life miserable.

Believe me, he may pay the mortgage but he hasn't done me any real favors to brag about in a long long time. In your case, material things and a roof over your head could never make up for the emotional, mental and phhysical kindness that you are not getting. I hope you believe that. I wish I could snap my fingers and make your husband appreciate you and treat you with respect - just like I wish my bf didn't take me and our relationship for granted.

I'm really sorry for the continued torment you're experiencing - it's not fair at all. Do you have any sort of plan or strategy in mind? What are you doing for you?

December 27, 2005
4:23 pm
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Thanks for asking. Unfortunately, you know what I am doing for me 😉 Not the right or healthy thing.

I had a very romantic 45 minutes alone with B. late Wed. morning (during his lunch hour). We hiked back a nature trail out of view of the local ice fishermen, shared a few hugs and kisses and exchanged Christmas gifts. We had to give each other things that wouldn't be hard to conceal from our spouses.

B. gave me a box of chocolates because whenever he has a problem at work, I jokingly say, "Eat some chocolate. There are some things only chocolate can fix."

I gave him a framed copy of the magazine cover featuring his photography. I'm sure that will not be easy to conceal, but he can just keep it at work.

It was magical having those few minutes alone with him. I have to admit that I loved his kisses. I floated around on a cloud for days afterward.

I think he felt the same way. Things on the homefront have been difficult for us both recently, although we don't share the particulars with each other.

Both our spouses drain us. This is a little escape for us both. It is a chance for us to receive some emotional support and maybe a little affection.

It is weird because most of the time, we exchange emails just discussing the kind of stuff that any friends would, not even especially intimate things. But once in a while the passions surface and spill over.

I'll see him again tomorrow, but probably just for coffee at a place we sometimes go to. It will be as though nothing happened and we are just friends.

I know that you love your BF and have hopes for your future together. When I see the stuff he puts you through, I just want to tell you to run away as quickly as you can! Save yourself from years of heartbreak. I know even if I did say that, you probably wouldn't do it. We hang in there out of love, hoping and hoping that things will get better.

I haven't seen my counselor in a few weeks due to the holidays. I guess I really need to make an appointment.

December 27, 2005
4:46 pm
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Well, on we go with the romance novel that you should be writing! I understand needing to have that affection or kindness that you're missing. I really do - I've been there before, although I'm not in a similar situation now.

My bf actually works on New Years eve and day, so I think I'm going to go up north again to be around my old friends again. I need to be around people that really know and care about me right now. I hate the thought of spending it alone while he's working and making everything and everyone more important that me. I need to do something for me and quit worrying about his life and state of well-being. He like an energy vampire.

Making an appointment with your therapist sounds like a good idea. I think finding a therapist for myself sounds like a pretty good idea too. Maybe that will be my New Years resolution and gift to myself?

December 27, 2005
7:43 pm
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Shaney, That sounds like a great idea - spending time with old friends who really care and accept you. That is a comfortable New Year's Eve. Doing something good for yourself and not obsessing about BF sounds perfect.

Yeah, I am grateful to have a counselor. Seeing her has helped me a lot. Especially since I don't go to Alanon.

You could always try one and if ou don't get anything from it, you can just top going.

Hugs,
Mishy

December 27, 2005
11:29 pm
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Lass
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Hi gals!

Well, I think it is the job and DUTY of any red-blooded girlfriend to say GET THE HELL OUT! at every opportunity.

And the anal thang, well, some things are better in fantasy~talk, than reality~do. Or is that doo~doo?!

Heh.

I had a guy really hurt me that way once, just forced me. And my first husband really turned me off by forcing sex. The irony is that I really enjoy a little fantasy~talk~play. But reality~do is that I don't want to be forced to do anything against my will EVER. My present husband and I are great in bed. I will never understand it. So long as it isn't sleeping!!!

LL

December 28, 2005
7:12 am
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Yeah, I am pretty open to trying different things sexually. I've been with a woman (college days), but it didn't go beyond a little cuddling and a sharing of a toothbruth. I don't think I could have oral sex with a woman and I just can't have anal sex with anyone including my husband. I've never been involved in a bisexual orgy or menage or anything like that, but my husband was. He is very worldly when it comes to sex. But I have certain things I just won't do.

Hubby's brother asked his wife for a menage a trois and she said, "What other man were you thinking of asking to join us?" I thought that was great because, of course, he was thinking of another woman, not another man. hahaha.

For the first time ever I have long finger nails. I got acrylic nails for the holidays. My typing is suffering.

December 28, 2005
7:29 am
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Mishy2sons
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Lass,

I could probably get into some fantasy stuff too. I never in my life saw any porn other than a few Playboy magazines. No videos or anything like that. So, I am not sure I would know where to start with fantasy except for basing it on real experience.

In general, I avoid fantasizing about anything! In my experience it only leads to disappointment with reality. I try not to day dream, wish for things, or imagine things. It is only setting myself up for disappointment.

Yet, I've toyed with the idea of phone sex with B. Sick, sick, sick. He knows nothing of this fantasy of mine. The trouble is. I wouldn't know what to say on the phone. hahaha.

Mostly, Hubby and I do have a good sex life. That is all that was ever good between us. Sadly, I think I confused sex with love. I probably never should have married him.

Ah, but then I wouldn't have my children ...

December 29, 2005
3:58 am
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Mishy, I am thinking that you are this rare combination of innocence and openness. I can't imagine what your husband finds so difficult to love about you just as you are. I think part of it is learning to speak the other person's language.

I just got a book called the Five Love Languages. It has already helped my hubby and me start talking.

LL

December 29, 2005
5:14 am
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gettingthere
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mishy i feel for you and thinking of you ,you were so kind to me the other day when i was down,i didnt realise that when you were talking to me about your husband that he was behaving like this to you,
have been to in abusive marraiges one was a psychopath,no im not being sarcastic he was, my life was hell,but this is not meant to be about me,i just wanted to say i do so feel for you and thankyou so much for being there for me when you are having unhappy times yourself for me that is someone whom is truly caring for others....................gettingthere

December 29, 2005
8:12 am
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Hi,

Thanks Lass, Shaney and Gettingthere!

Gettingthere, how are things going now? Any better? Yeah, my husband is verbally abusive and sometimes physically as well. He is an alcoholic too. I just deal with it as I can. I am interested in how you dealt with your abusive relationships. Can you share?

Lass, I think you really have something. It is sort of like that book title you mentioned once, "Loving what is." My husband doesn't love what is. He wants me to be different. I guess I want him to be different too.

Basically, I think I've been pretty accepting of others in relationships. In my romantic relationships as well. I don't criticize and I overlook. But then, the men get to thinking that they must be perfect, since I am not pointing out the error of their ways, and if they are perfect, well then, it is their job to change me and mold me into their idea of perfect.

B. said something the other day that really hit home. "You and I are good at accepting each other." Of course we only see each other for about 45 minutes a week. It is easy to be accepting in that short time. Things would be different if we had to deal with each other day in and day out, I am sure.

My husband's (and most past lovers, boyfriends and 1st husband) greatest grievance is that I have lots of people in my life who I love and spend time with - family and friends. I also have a lot of hobbies and interests. All my partners have resented this. They always want to be my everything and are not content with just being something. They have all been possessive and jealous. B. is not that way, beause he has friends, hobbies, a career and ... uh ... a wife.

December 29, 2005
9:39 am
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gettingthere
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hi mishy,i hated my partners yet loved them at the same time,well at leppast i thought that was the case but now looking back that was probabaly how i felt about myself thus why i stayed in such abusive relationships,four years on from my psycho husband walkng out on us to be with another woman,i now see that is the best thing he could ever of done for us,it has taken much therapy and reading and self work to be were i am today,stll having affeced us as a family and still has had a ripple on effect on each and every one of us like you mental verbal and phsycall abuse,
it has left deep wounds,
i used to think it was about me my fault if i do this or do that or be more this or more like that well it never did change him,because i now see that i couldnt and he wouldnt,

December 29, 2005
9:47 am
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gettingthere
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sorry posted before id finished
It was about him not me his baggage from the past and no matter what i did said or tried it would still of been his baggage,but also see i had to look at myself and try to understand why i thought i shouldnt deserve better,now i see that it was my wounded child that thought she only deserved what she only knew,my childhood wasnt very loving either,
mishy i do feel for you i know i have already said that but i meant it,please talk if you ever want to ok..................gettingthere x

December 29, 2005
10:06 am
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Mishy2sons
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Gettingthere, thanks!

I think I manage to survive because mostly I let the verbal stuff go in one ear and out the other. I have a lot of other people and things in my life. I have family and friends who care about me. If things are rough I know I can throw myself into my historical research, sing my heart out, play with my boys, visit with friends, go for a walk, read a good book, or any number of other things. Who I am and how I feel is not dependant on my husband and his moods. Though, sometimes it gets me down. Guess that is why I am here.

December 29, 2005
3:49 pm
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My husband said to me a few times, "You don't mind that I'm fat."

Just because I don't say, Hey Blubbo, lose some weight! doesn't mean I don't mind.

I have begun to say the things that do bother me about him to him. I have begun to reflect back that there is less than perfection to him. I don't think he really thought there was a darn thing wrong for a good long while.

He was even blaming me for his snoring.... turning the situation all ass-backwards to be my fault.

Work to be a mirror. These guys need a realistic self-appraisal or they'll never do a thing differently. I don't get all up in his shit, but I am slowly showing him his areas of blindness to self.

LL

December 29, 2005
3:50 pm
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gettingthere
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mishy i wish i had of been like you wa few years back then maybe it wouldnt of destroyed me the way it did but i guess we see things when the time is right,i can understand how it can get you down,you are wise that you are not dependant on how you feel and who you are according to his moods i am still working hard on that one, i love this i have it written down The aggressor is rarely in control he cannot see more than a couple of moves ahead he cannot see the consequences of his own rash actions his aggressive energy is turned against him.........the most effective actions is to stay back keep calm,play long term victory rather than short term,
mishy i no you have your own ways with dealing with it but i thought that may help..............gettingthere x

December 30, 2005
12:06 am
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Wise words gettingthere. It took me a long time to learn that my moods are not contingent on those of my husband. With my first husband I completely let his moodiness and sulking tear me apart. I thought it was my job to make him feel happy. When he wasn't, I felt I had failed and I was miserable. No wonder that marriage ended (aside from his sex addict issues).

Lass, my husband is a total blimp and an above knee amputee, but the sex is still good. Accept when he is poking a finger up my a**. lol I don't really care that he is fat except for health reasons. Though he did look better with a 36" waist instead of the 42" he has grown to now.

Funny that you should mention a mirror. Just today he was criticizing me and I told him to hold a mirror to his face.

We spent 12 hours together today without much fighting because we were in the emergency room. He had a seizure alone at work and called me all dazed and confused. He remembered our home phone number but not much else.

So far, the heart tests, blood tests and CAT scan showed nothing. He was admitted, given anti-seizure medication and will have an MRI tomorrow.

One doctor suggested alcoholism as the culprit. Could be.

He is a mess because he bit his tongue during the seizure and it is all swollen and purple. He also broke the blood vessels in his eyes. Worse, he fractured his ankle. Now with one leg off and the other ankle broken , he can't even walk. I don't know how I am going to move "Tubbo" around once he is released.

December 30, 2005
12:50 am
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Lass
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OMG Mishy. Shaney is right. You need to start that novel.

Did he lose his limb because of diabetes?

I think that God is at work...so time will tell what is up. Surely he is becoming a bit more dependent upon you now. Sometimes things shift at times of need. Hmmmm.

Use your head and not your back.

And I know you still care about him and need him, but it sounds like his behavior is catching up with him in a hurry now.

LL

December 30, 2005
1:01 am
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Lass, I can't believe you are on the computer at 12:55 a.m. Now wait. Are you in a different time zone? Yes, you are in California right?

Hubby lost his leg 34 years ago in a motorcycle accident. He usually gets around quite well with his prosthesis.

I am sorry that he is suffering right now, but part of me feels he brought this on himself with his overeating and drinking habits. Maybe this is his wake up call.

I am miffed because we are in the middle of having this addition to the house built and I asked him to get disability insurance on the mortgage and he didn't. Ugh! Now, if he is laid up and the business suffers we might end up in a financial bind. I would hate to dip into our retirement saving, but we might have to.

Probably the saddest thing about it all is that our children are happy that Daddy is sick in the hospital. They laughed with glee when they learned he was staying in overnight. They are free of him. They can sleep at their grandparents' house, play and enjoy the holidays without their father's lectures and constant verbal abuse.

December 30, 2005
8:14 am
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gettingthere
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mishy yer i no what you mean i am still working on that,still have a bit of a problem with others moods i take them on thinking its a bout me
i no its not but i am new to this and i still have a battle in my mind,it goes a bit like this its you something yove done no its not i havent done anything but you must of done bla bla bla,mishy how do you deal with verbal abuse and someones moods would love to know...............gettingthere

December 30, 2005
9:04 am
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gettingthere, Dealing with moodiness and verbal abuse is never easy! Lass recomended a book that helped me: "Overcoming Verbal Abuse." You just have to keep reminding yourself that you are not the rotten things that your partner says you are. You are a precious, unique person filled with worth! If he can't appreciate you that is his problem, not yours. ]

You might have to consider leaving the relationship for self-preservation. That insidious verbal abuse can destroy you. Try not to let it.

Keep reminding yourself that if he is angry, sulky or whatever, it is not your responsibility to make him happy or change his mood. In fact, he has a right to legitimate and valid human emotions, the same as anyone else. Maybe it is his time to be sad or angry. Let him be. Don't internalize it and make it your own. Your emotions are separate from his. Sure, you can empathize or sympathize, just don't take on his feelings. Feel for yourself.

December 30, 2005
9:28 am
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gettingthere
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mishy thankyou i really want to ask you something as i feel that there is something wrong with me i have tried to work on it but it still isant going away,i feel that i can trust you which i have a real problem with anyway,,,so here goes its that i feel that nobody likes me i even get it when i come here i swear i get on peoples nerves why do i feel like this it really gets me down sometimes i feel like im in real pain and other times i dont,dont know what to do anymore ive tried everything reading therapy self help feeling really low today.....................

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