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miserable, frustrated and getting depressed - and it's a simple problem - I fell for a guy....
March 12, 2005
8:10 pm
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placebo
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I think I have fallen in love. and now it's become a problem.


First time I saw him, he was visiting my office from another overseas office. I was struck. I thought he was beautiful. So when I saw him at the pantry, I did something I'd never do and introduced myself. He was going to the airport in the next 2 hrs so I pretended I was going the same way and asked him to have a drink with me on the way there. He accepted, we arrived in a bar in time to have one drink, and had short conversation about working for the same organisation but in different countries.
-when he left, he kissed me once ont he cheek goodbye, it was a little awkward.

several days, and some randon chatting on messenger. the one day I saw his nick said (looking for a valentine!) so I responded that I'd be his valentine. He accepted and said we'd have to have dinner. and would be flying on the day after valentines day anyway so would change his flight to arrive on Valentines day and we'd have dinner.

We had a wonderful 'dinner' (actually a looong chat at a bar and then went back to his room and chatted and kissed all night. he was in town for the whole week on meetings and we met everynight. Only before he left did we sleep together. so five nights, a fling right? I figured I could deal with it. I asked him to leave his colonge with me so I could keep his smell with me. I gave him my new watch in return. (sounds silly but I wanted to give him something ) when he was leaving, he said, I think I gave you everything that was yours (from the hotel room)and YOU HAVE MY HEART.

-despite myself I was floored. Over the moon for the weekend and on Monday arrived at work to find that he emailed me to tell me that he was still not over his ex.
(who is dying very slowly of Lupus)

then we spoke a couple of days later. I had already booked a flight to see him on Sunday so we decided to go ahead with it to meet and talk it through.

I went and stayed a couple of days and we had so many touristy things to do that we were too worn out to chat at all. and we seemed to be ok again. Silly huh? He dearly wanted to show me the country.

When I came home, I resumes texting, calling but felt it was rather cold.

when I said I wanted to talk, last wednesday, he dumped me on the phone. He was due to arrive on Thursday for a meeting, and we had previously discussed him staying over at mine on Friday and sat (I had just moved and wanted to show him the area)

He stayed on Friday at night in bed,at about 1am he said he was too tired to continue to talk - I was annoyed to be cut off
He said he forgot his antidepressant pills and had to leave early. I told him I suspected that it was an excuse. and we had a fight.

the next day I was trying to say the last few bits of my frustrated thoughts but he was totally ill and distracted. I got upset and we had another fight.

on leaving he said he would come down on Friday to talk to me.

(he suggested going somewhere out in the country - but i retorted that he was so distracted talking even without distractions - we had another fight about that)

He said he needed space so I could I not contact him till then.

I'm totally confused.
I've started smokign again
I have bought alot of medicine(when I just moved to stock my med cabinet) but suddenly it occurred to me that I could take them. all.

Everything is a mess. I dont have anyone I can confide in becsue my friends have no idea how he has treated me.

I'm frustrated. I think i have fallen for a guy. I first liked his looks, then when I had a chance to, I loved his personality and beliefs. and now, against my normal behavior, I have fallen into bed with him and am (hah! even better) seem to be some kind of joke...

March 12, 2005
8:51 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Placebo: Well thats sounds like a fun ride you have had- so romantic, swept you off of your feet, the exotic stranger, etc. And it happened fast and was intense. Straight out of a romance novel.

Its very hard to have a long distance romance and its hard to maintain a romance that happens as quickly as your did. You didn't really know much about him at first- didn't get a chance to go slowly and see what evolves. A lot of expectations. The fact that he travels puts pressure to hurry it up while he's there.

You said you seem to be some kind of a joke- NOT SO! So you've had a fling- that doesn't mean you're a joke. You were extremely attracted to him- thats not a joke either. Take it easy on yourself. He probably thought he was safe since he didn't live where you do and wasn't ready for anything like that.

Even though it was fast, its like any other relationship/ dating experience- getting to know the other person to see where it goes. Unfortunately, this guy isn't available emotionally- still connected to his ex.

Hang in there and stop the negative thinking!! SD

March 12, 2005
9:00 pm
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chickyfighter
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Stop seeing him, and think about it, if he is sleeping w/you while his other woman is dying somwewhere literally, what makes you think he would not do that to you exactly? Not to be mean but wake up, and move on b4 you get more caught up. Don't feel bad we have all acted against our best judgement before, you can be real w/us, don't beat yourself up, you are only human. You fell but don't let it keep you down! Many blessings to you!

March 12, 2005
10:00 pm
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placebo
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he and his other woman split up 1 yr ago. They had major religious differences as she went very very religious when she found out that she was sick.

He still contributes towards her regular medicine which is expensive as she has stopped working.

this is really a nice guy.

he simply does not like me enough to have a relationship with me and the commitment and time that would follow

and I really really really hurt.

- about the sleeping together... that was me. My idea. My initiative. It just felt right and he was leaving, and he just kind of woke up that side of me that I never felt in years.

I have to see him - he will come to my office for meetings now and then, and his collegues are very friendly to me, especially since, when I was there I worked form his office for a couple of days.

and he'll be in town to 'talk' this friday. I have to decide, between now and then, what I need to say.

March 12, 2005
10:26 pm
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sdesigns
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Well no need to be hasty. Maybe this all took him by surprise too. Maybe wait to see what he will have to say. Might be a good idea to be a little more casual about it. If he's a nice guy, he just could be worth the trouble. He might be the sensible type and realize that long distance relationships don't often work. Its the pits though that you have to see him if things don't go well. Try to be patient. Try not to be too pushy or smothering, just casual. Don't let him know how upset you are- it seems way to early in the relationship to be having arguments, etc. Relax. SD

March 13, 2005
6:24 am
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placebo
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i just feel like i have been jerked around - intentionally or not. And I want to take back control of my life, not feel sad, not feel empty, it was perfectly fine before I met him.

and while I was happy to chalk it down to a fling, he made me believe otherwise. He was probbaly being honest and there was probably no malicious intent, but I can't keep having this.

Either I trust him and show my hand (which I have already been doing) or I pack up and put away my hurt and pull back from him.

I have got enough friends. And being 'friends' with him wouldn't be real so I am so facinated by him and still completely attracted.

It's way too late for me to act casual. I already told him that I wanted to care for him, learn more about him and that I hoped he would accept that.

It is too early to be having fights. I think this is a complete communication breakdown. After he changed his mind so many times, I feel like I have to ask first. or question what he says. It's not that I dont trust him. I do. I want to know that it's not going to be different tomorrow, while I am blissfully unaware.

Status quo right now - seems to be that he cares for me but is unavailable to have a relationship. He knows I am depressed; and given that he was too, (my guess) he wants to apend alot of time talkignto me and hanginng out and helping me get out of it.
Some care, loads of guilt, but nope he isn't ready to open his heart to me.

and that really stings. Would if be childish to retreat now - to say, I can't do this, to be cared for a bit, but have the line drawn here. and I cant be friends, because we never were friends to start off and discovering you as a friend would hurt too much.

I want to stick to my guns when I say something on friday. It feels like it would give me back some control of my downward spiralling life!

March 13, 2005
6:34 am
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placebo
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dont you wish there was a pill you could take , to just wipe out the nasty bits, to remove the hurt parts?

March 13, 2005
9:19 am
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peacesoul
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placebo.....Maybe I am totally off base with this one, but it sounds to me like he was with you for a distraction. That's not to say he did not or does not like you. I'm sure he does if he has come out of his way to come and see you, but he is emotionally unavailable because he still has feelings for his ex.

I am saying this because this is what I am going through right now.
There is a guy that has been pursuing me like you have been pursuing this guy. This guy is smart, sweet, sexy and kind and yes I fooled around with him. I now have backed off from him because I am emotionally unavailable due to pains from my last relationship. I am over my ex, but not over the emotions from that relationship.

Give this guy some time, stay his "chat" friend and if he really likes you, he will come around. But do not in any way wait for him.

If you cannot be his friend like you say here..then that's cool also, have no contact. No contact is ususally the ONLY way to move from someone

Good luck

March 20, 2005
1:35 am
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phronima
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Hi placebo, I'm new here, but I can understand your frustration, having been in similar situation as yours.

I called mine a 'transitory relationship', even though I couldn't help but wore my heart on my sleeve. He saw that I was genuine, considered having a serious relationship, but decided against it by cheating on me and having me walk in on them.

I've been sidelined. I've become a reserve, and I dont want that.

Just like you, the time to be casual has expired. Just like you, he says he needs 'some time'. During this time I believe he is seeing this woman and throwing me a line or two whenever he is in the mood, because I am useful and convenient

We have our needs and our needs are not being met. I can't help but wish that my emotional upbringing wasn't so skewed that I put up with this kind of treatment. I think you, or I, deserve better... I for one, wish for a cure for all of those suffering to get out of this vicious circle

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