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Miscommunication
October 5, 2004
5:01 pm
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Anonymous
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What's the healthy thing to do when you ask someone why they did something that hurt you(only meaning to understand what happened) but, instead of answering, they yell you're actually not asking this but criticizing them about something else (which you know you're not angry at) and tell you that you either stop talking about this or they won't talk to you again?

October 5, 2004
5:04 pm
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Mafi so what happened, cause I got confused in that?

October 5, 2004
5:08 pm
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Anonymous
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Yes, an acquaintance of mine had an attitude that I never expected from her, and I asked her why, to understand and not draw a nasty conclusion about her. Instead of answering why she did it, she yelled at me that I was just trying to punish her for something else that she did (which I didn't take offense to at all), and she said I either stop talking about this or she won't talk to me again. Should I stop talking about this so she goes back to relating to me? Or what should I do?

October 5, 2004
5:13 pm
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I then tried to explain that I'm not angry but just trying to clarify what happened, but she reminded me that either I stop talking about this or we have nothing to talk about...

October 5, 2004
5:33 pm
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bubishi76
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mafi,
I can't really give you any advice unless you tell us the story. What are you "supposedly" punishing this person for. What did she say that you were punishing her for? WHat did you say?? Seems to me by what I read here, I think that she may be hiding something and that is why she is so defensive. My g/f gets like that when a situation gets like really serious. She often tries to get off subject when she gets uncomfortable. However, it's hard to make a judgement here without the full story. Maybe pick your battles one this one.

October 5, 2004
5:34 pm
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wine
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Just explain that you are not refering to the situation she has mentioned - ask if she is OK and if anything is bothering her and explain how you felt about the comment in hand and why she re-acted that way.

It sounds like she is upset about something but has yet to tell you what it is-- maybe you need to dig deeper and see if she is OK-- sounds liek there is something on her mind

October 5, 2004
6:07 pm
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Anonymous
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I would just leave it alone for a couple days. SOunds like that person is having other issues besides this. I would think saying something like you are punishing me goes beyond the topic at hand and to other things. I don't know though. It depends on how much you value the friendship, but to me it also sounds controlling. Like you do what I say or I will withhold my friendship from you. I don't know maybe I am parnoid now with controlling people.

October 5, 2004
6:42 pm
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Thank you all, I agree with all of you together: I think she was indeed hiding something and she was controlling me so that I wouldn't be able to get close to discovering what she was hiding. Also, she has other issues pressuring her right now.

The good news is she calmed down and answered my clarifying question, so now I know what she was trying to hide, and I don't have a problem with it at all, it's all fine.

(Sorry that I didn't give more details about the story but this is someone who belongs to this board and out of respect for her own privacy I won't post any details about her personal life events. I'm really grateful for all your validation and really appreciate your efforts to help without knowing any concrete details)

Aces,

I don't think you and I are "paranoid" with controlling people, but since we've had the experience and have healed from it, we now spot it very clearly and early on!

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