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mild case
September 30, 2005
10:34 am
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faithfulsailor
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September 27, 2010
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Hi, my girlfriend of almost a year (who is also my best friend) and myself just began taking a break so that she can date other people. She says she wants to know with absolute certainty that I am the one for her before we continue to become more serious. She's three and a half years younger than myself, and just recently came out of an emotional recovery program. We have had a long distance relationship for almost a year now, but have known each other for close to 4 years.

She mentioned to me last night, the night we finally cut the cord for real, that she thinks I should check into the fact that I might be codependant. She says she wants me to be healthy, or I will only drive her away again, even when she wants nothing more than to be with me. I believe in my heart of hearts that she will come back, but I do no want to be the same codependant person that I am at this point. I want my love for her to exist as a WANT and not a NEED so I won't push her away again.

Should I even begin coping with my codependant tendencies in terms of my relationship with her, and should the relationship be my reason to change? Or should it be solely for me?

I have no money for a Counselor and I don't know of any groups in my area.

September 30, 2005
10:53 am
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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first - go to coda.org and click on the link to find meetings in your area.

second - your recovery should be SOLEY for you - your goal should be to become healthy so that you can have a healthy relationship with ANY OTHER HEALTHY partner - not just her.

think about it - if you were an alcoholic - and your partner told you to quit - and you did - for her - and then she left you, or cheated on you, or did something bad to you - wouldn't you feel like you quit for nothing? or wouldn't you be resentful that you quit and that was how she treated you?...it can go like that.

the purpose for your recovery should be for your own best interests.

you may not be codependent, and she may not be qualified to determine that - but since she was in her own recovery program - if she was successful in it - perhaps she would know the signs better than yourself would.

so do the reasearch - pick up the book "codependent no more" by melody beattie - and see if you fit the profile - see if your actions are truly codependent. I think long distance relationships tend to make codependency come out more because of the distance and lack of contact and good communication and intimacy.

there are counselors who have sliding fee scales or free services - check in the yellow pages, check with church groups, check with the local social services, look for "mental health clinic" in the phone book, ask at the local hospital for mental health clinic, ask your primary care doctor - most insurances cover therapy....

your tendencies for being codependent will crop up with ANY relaitonship you have - not just her - if you are truly codependent, it will be a challenge no matter who you pick for a partner, and the truth is, most times, codependent people have radar for picking unhealthy partners to begin with.

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