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Midlife Crisis or maybe *Evaluation*?
December 2, 2010
12:00 am
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truthBtold
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Member Since:
September 27, 2010
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sigh.

I turned 50 not
long ago. This is really hitting me hard!

Never paid much
attention to my birthday in the past - but this one - oh yeah!
Making up for it all!

I've had 2
relatives die plus one of my good friends in just a couple of years
span or so.

I'm
50!!!!!!

My gosh! No longer
in the 35-49 demographics. I'm in the 50+ now....and the darned
AARP sends me something in the mail once a week it seems!!!!!
Grrrrr.

What happened to
my life?

I just can't
believe that I am 50 years old...but you know what? There's not a
DARNED thing at all I can do about it!

Nope. No sir ree
bob. Not one darned thing!

I think that the
really, really sad thing about all of this is the fact that I have
finally comes to terms with the fact that I never had any hopes or
dreams or goals this whole time!!!!!

(How sad is
that?)

Just kind of
wading through life....

Reminds me of the
Pink Floyd song from DSOTM:

".....and then one
day you find...10 years have got behind you - no one told you when
to run....you missed the starting gun ~"

(I think those are
the correct lyrics?)

I guess I just
REALLY need to vent and finally get some stuff off my
chest!!!!!!

My youth is
gone...never, ever to return again.

Geesh, if I would
have known THEN what I do NOW - shoot, no telling where I might be
now??????

I dunno. Maybe I
just need to wallow in all of these regrets for a time (as opposed
to my *natural* state of just pushing thru life on automatic pilot
with blinders on and just concentrating on the 'task at hand' and
disassociating as has been my general way to cope in the
past.)

whew and
sigh.

I
dunno.

I seem to be in an
almost constant state of mild chaos for the last 5 years or
so...

Being laid off for
the third time I think might have finally broke me.

That sense of
having things *basically* under control and being financially
independent since I was 16.

Flying solo
without a safety net for so long now is really wearing me
down....

I just wish I
could 'shake off' whatever this is I am feeling/going
through!

I know that I am
having a personal pity party right now....But then again - so what?
Maybe I need to afterall. For a spell. I'm just starting to
question so many things.

My sexuality for
one. I think that I have been bisexual my whole life as it seems
that about once per decade (*since high school)...the urge to be
with a woman gets really strong...but I don't really act on it that
often.

Once a few years
back I was in Florida and stopped off at a very small, tight knit
community near the panhandle.

Just so happened
that we (my finace and I) went to a little local, laid back
bar/eatery and I was surrounded by lesbians.

I swear, I never
felt more relaxed and connected and and able to be my true self and
that like, I finally BELONGED!

Just good, natural
vibes all the way around.

Oh....another deep
sigh.

But yet...by the
same token - I have recent dreams about making out with the actor
John Krasinski from "The Office" show for crying out
loud??????

Geesh - go
figure!

Probably around 10
years ago or so (before the relationship I am in now) I got all
*decked out* (matching shoes and purse...the whole nine yards
etc..) I decided to take a chance and go to the one and only
lesbian bar in my town and just ASSUMED that it was going to be
like this *wild and crazy* stuff that happens at the gay
bars.

No such luck. Boy,
was I ever in for a shocker!!!

You wanna talk
about *low key* - my gosh, I almost felt like I was in a
library!!!!!

Just little quiet
groups scattered here and there....

Found out that
there were like *teaser lipstick types* and probably others that
could smell my bi-curious vibes a mile away and didn't want to
touch me with a ten-foot pole!

NOT what I was
expecting...AT ALL!

Anyway....sure am
glad this is anonymous so I can just really spill my guts
here.

I just don't know
what to do or think or feel anymore, to be quite honest.

Oi! Thanks for
reading. I really needed to vent and just get this off my
chest!

tBt

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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Truth,

Thanks for
sharing. I usually celebrate my birthday and this year I just can't
seem to get up enough interest to do it. Mind if I take a seat at
your pity party?

I've also been
laid off and it's a struggle to get perspective.

Funny how the
bi-curious can be spotted.

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