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Mich is worn out and angry as hell....
August 14, 2009
4:38 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I don't have a lot of time to write this all out right now, but I am so tired, so emotionally drained, so frustrated, and so angry that there are not words.

He is pulling stuff that is simply beyond what I believed that he was capable of and it kills me.

I see him using the kids to get to me, and in the mean time it is killing them. He is just an asshole.

All I want to do at the moment is simply scream...I need some good tips on something productive to do with my anger...

August 14, 2009
8:13 pm
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CAMER
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hi ((Mich)) take a deep breath, relax and know this will pass...i know it sounds so much like a phrase, but you will be fine...don't let this get to you. Using the kids as extorsion is not good, and you can see thru that!! take this time to know what a good person you are, how far you have come, and yes there will be those painful obstacles in the way.

((((Huge hugs your way)))

August 15, 2009
10:24 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks Camer...

It has just really been a LONG couple of weeks to say the least.

He had not seen the kids since Fathers Day weekend because of the fiasco that he had created that weekend. Then I waited for the conciliation papers to allow him to see them again and determine what the requirements would be.

I was granted sole legal and physical custody of the kids. I have them 365 nights a year at this point. Just as most thought that it would go. That said, he is allowed to see them every other Wednesday night from 6-8, and every other weekend on Sat and Sun from 1-4. It has to be supervised though. That said, we had a couple of options on how to do that. There is a place at Michigan State that does it, they gave us a list of people that would are able to do it OR we could agree on someone that we trusted to do it. The problem is the first two options cost money. (Though clearly the more secure way to do it) I had agreed to allow his dad to do it in the beginning. The last time that he saw them was the first weekend of this month. (that was with his dad supervising, if that is what you call it)

STBX was playing ball with our 6 year old daughter while the two boys were jumping on the trampoline. He threw the ball and it went way past her. He told her to go get the ball. When she went over to get it, she realized that it had landed next to a spider web, and that scared her. So, instead of being a man, he told her to go get it anyway. When she refused he picked her up at least 5 times and sat her over there to get the ball. When she still refused to get it, he "shoved" her (according to both my 6 and 8 year old) to the ground and held her there until she got the ball. I was pissed as all hell. And she is totally traumatized by this. Now everytime she even sees a bug she freaks right out.

After this event, I talked to my attorney who then sent his attorney a letter stating that the only way visitation could be done now is through one of the other two options which meant that he would have to pay to see his kids. And that said, it is clearly up to HIM to arrange that and it is financially HIS problem. Clearly I do NOT feel sorry for him as I have YET to see a dime from him in the way of child support and it has been more than 12 weeks.

Last Wednesday would have actually been the day he was supposed to see them. (a week and a half ago) But, because I could understand how we could be uncertain about that due to the way our papers are written, I agreed to let it be this last week. Well, on Tuesday, I had taken my 6 year old to her counseling appointment and when I got home, this is how I was greeted by my 8 year old. He said "mom, why won't you let us go to dads tomorrow night?" I was like what are you talking about. He proceeded to share with me that his dad had told him that I was not going to LET them see him. I looked right at him, (bear in mind I have NEVER said anything negative about their dad to them) and said, A, I am not at all upset with you, but that is not true. If your dad CHOOSES to not see you tomorrow that is HIS choice and not mine. I never told him any such thing. I was SO angry about this situation that there are not words. So, he did NOT wind up seeing the kids, stating that he could not afford to see them. He told A that it was going to be a while because I was making this as difficult as I could on him to be able to see them and that this is my fault more or less. I am so sick of eating the shit that he is feeding my kids. It pisses me off.

My son also asked him why he and I can't have any contact for 18 months and his words were, cause that is the way your mom wants it. NOT because that is what the judge said...not because he made a bad choice...NOTHING. It makes me so stinking angry. My oldest sees through his crap, and my 6 year old doesn't seem to really care, and the 3 year old doesn't even ask for him. BUT...my 8 year old...he is still SO wrapped in the illusion of who he wants his dad to be. I understand that as I spent MUCH time there with my mom...but, it breaks my heart because I know the long road he is traveling and how painful it can be. I hope he gets it a long time before I ever did.

Again, I am off to get a couple of things done, but...that is just the beginning of my anger issue at the moment. More to come....

August 15, 2009
6:56 pm
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truthBtold
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(((((Michy Mich,)))))

Take it from the words of the great Gloria Steinem:

"The truth will set you free.....but FIRST it will piss you off."

(No doubt.)

You know????????

(Bottom fricking-fracking line!!!!!)

(((Michy)))

...and after this storm settles (and it will) you will wonder just why in the hell you put up with all of this shit for so long to begin with.......and see, all is not lost - for you can surely administer advise to these younger folks comeing along and save them a whole mess of troubles in the long run.

Stuff that no one seemed to be able to pass unto us - but that we can - save them years and years of.....(what's that wonderful point-blank phrase that they use in football.....)oh hell, yeah - "Unnecessary Roughness!"

Unnecessary Roughness!!!!!!!!!

šŸ˜‰

August 15, 2009
11:33 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks tBt ~

That is obviously only a small portion of what is going on at this point. But, not everything has to do with the divorce right now either. It is kind of one of those situations that when it rains it pours....

I took my 6 year old to her counseling appointment a couple of weeks ago. She asked me when we got there if she could speak to me alone for a minute. This was only the second time that she had seen us at all. The first time the only thing that she had done was had my daughter draw some pictures for her.

So, I went back with her for a minute, and she said that there is never a good way to say what it is that she wants to say to me. She is fairly certain that she has been sexually abused. That was based on the pictures that she drew. It made sense when I saw the picture, though I was still somewhat skeptical of the situation at hand. I asked several therapists about this and they declared that the pictures are typically pretty accurate. The therapist had questioned me about my stbx. I said that if my daughter were to say that it happened I would believe her, though that said, I would NEVER suspect him. I just wouldn't. I can see a lot of things, but not that. Though again, please know that if my daughter were to say that, I would believe her.

I asked her what she thought the best next move was. Should I take her to a doctor and have her checked or what? Her answer was no, not yet. She wanted to see if we could get her to talk first. I could take her and even if they found something, the fact of the matter is, that we would have no knowledge of who it was or anything else. So they don't want to traumatize her any further unless it becomes necessary or what have you.

So, last week, I take my daughter in and the first thing out of her therapists mouth is, "her dad called this morning to talk to me, do you have any idea what this may be about?" I told her I had no clue, as I did not. Well, she made it clear that she was going to tell him that it is of conflict of interest for her to talk to him regarding my daughter. She has that right for two reasons...first, I have sole legal custody, and second, in a domestic violence center like where she is going for counseling, they are not required to release that info to the perpetrator. I told her that was fine, and it made complete sense to me.

About 25 minutes after we had left her office, she called me. He managed to call and get ahold of her. He was irate asking many questions about knowing that she believed that my daughter was sexually abused, and that she was accusing him and everything else. Apparently he was very defensive and what have you. Now, bear in mind, he has never met this woman, nor talked to her at all. He was all worried about, "if you thought that it was one of the parents, wouldn't you go to the parent before you just believed a child, or turn them in or whatever". Well, this conversation was very short lived. But, none the less, I am not sure AT ALL about where he heard this information. I was VERY careful about who I told anything to, but clearly, not careful enough. BUT...NOT ONCE was HE accused of this. Though, I am thinking that he managed to break into my facebook which would be where he got this information from at all. But WHATEVER. I was just angry about all of it to say the least. None of it made sense to me either.

So, the next day she calls me back. She informed me that the more that she thought about the phone call and the amount of hostility he carried, it made her nervous. Why was he so defensive, and what was he afraid of. The other thing that he had said to her on the phone that day which she did not tell me in the first conversation was that he made the comment, "I don't even know why she is going to counseling anyway. There has only been one incident of domestic assault in our house ever." Which is the biggest crock of shit mind you.... But, that said, what had him so bothered about why she was going to counseling. What is his fear. So, she turned him in to CPS with faxing them the picture that she drew and what have you. More for suspicious behavior than anything else. It just didn't make sense to her, and who am I to argue?? I told her that I hoped that she didn't think that I cared about what she did. She has a job to do and I want her to do whatever she thinks is best. I don't get him. I do wonder why he was so defensive, and what his fears are. I NEVER blamed him. Nor would I.

This thought just makes me sick to be honest. We went through this with my oldest daughter and that was tough enough. I surely didn't want to go through it again. It makes me feel bad as a mom, like I failed my girls. I know that isn't true...but, it is still tough to swallow at this time.

So, there is another one of my points of anger at this time. I am tired of seeing my babies hurting. I just want to be ok, and I want them to be ok. All I can do is hold her and love on her. She is showing some REAL big signs of anger. It makes me very sad for her. All I can do is hope that she can talk about it... and eventually we know the truth. Though, surely it is the truth that will set us free, this truth is one that I fear more than life itself right now. šŸ™

Oh...I need the rain to stop.

August 16, 2009
3:55 am
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Hi mich,

it's good to see a name from the past. Makes me feel comfortable.

It's late but I will read what your doing lately.

Does anyone know what happened to gg?

Army

August 16, 2009
10:38 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Hey Army....good to see you too!!

I have not seen gg around in a LONG time. I don't see too many that were here many moons ago.

It is always nice to see names from the past appear. I am sorry to read that you are going through a tough time too.

I am thinking of you and keeping you close in thought!!

Here for you as always...

Mich

((((Army))))

August 17, 2009
11:27 am
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(((((((((Mich)))))))))

I have a lot in common with you and can always really relate to your feelings, even when your situation is different. You express yourself really well, and it winds up being cathartic for me too. So thank you for posting.

I do have some advice for you. The first is to keep all of this stuff off facebook. Support groups are more secure. The second is to get a third party who you trust to supervise visitation. Someone in your family or friends. Try to spread out the burden, by having one friend do sat, one do sunday, one do wednesday. I understand this might be impossible. But if you can do it, it is absolutely worth it.

About what is said to the kids, try not to react to what he says. This will only make matters worse. It took me a long time to figure this out and I still sometimes make mistakes with it. But now, when my kids come to me about something, I understand that they are trying to communicate to me what their needs are. They are never asking about dad's behavior. And they never benefit from an explanation or judgment about dad's behavior. When your child says "Why can't I see dad this weekend?" the underlying communication is; I want to see my dad. Will I see my dad again? and when? He doesn't need to know that his dad made a mistake. He really can't handle that. He needs to know how this will affect him. A good response focuses on the child's needs. "Your dad and I are working out the details of the arrangement. We will come to a solution. I understand that it is important to you to see him, so we will come to a solution soon."

About the sexual abuse, did you ever find out who sexually abused your other daughter?

August 17, 2009
12:46 pm
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It is woefully possible that his aggressive anger with the therapist stems from a deep fear of the Truth being uncovered: that he has, indeed, molested his own daughter. I am very glad that the therapist has turned the case over to authorities who are trained and experienced in handling such traumatic scenarios.

In the meantime I would do everything in my power to protect the child from having to be in his presence. If he wants supervised visits with the children, LET HIM PAY. I would not attempt to accommodate this control monster in any way.

- Ma Strong

August 17, 2009
2:48 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Ma and Soofoo)))

Ma, see that is what even my daughters therapist was thinking!! What is he trying to hide. We have no way of knowing anything for sure because she hasn't said anything at all. I, too, was very glad that it was turned over to CPS. Let them sort it out.

As far as his visitation...yes, this is going to be done where he HAS to pay for it. I wish I felt comfortable doing it any other way, but I don't. We tried it with his dad, and that didn't prevent anything. I don't trust my own parents with my kids really, much less to supervise him. His mother is a completely psychotic bitch and I am not going to give her the time of day either. She thinks her boys are angels. It kills me. There aren't many people in our lives that I trust to adequately supervise his visitation and keeping my kids safe is my biggest concern right now.

He is doing his best to make my mental struggles his biggest argument in court. Everyone swears that he doesn't stand a chance at whatever he is trying to do but it still scares me a little. There are a GREAT deal of people involved in our lives on a professional level who will testify in a courtroom that I am completely competent to raise our kids and that I am a MUCH better person since I left him. It is just tough. I am a little sensitive when it comes to my emotional state and how I am having it used against me...but, it is all he has.

Right now, everyone keeps telling me to keep giving him the rope, he is going to hang himself. He is going to do a fine job of proving my case without saying a whole lot of anything at this point. I hope that is true.

We will see. I am just doing what I have to do at this point to get through each day. Some days are easier than others. I am not depressed at all. Angry as hell, and I am tired...but still, the biggest emotion that I feel is relief. To me...that is a good sign. Though 12 years is a lot to say goodbye to. I am still trying to remember the good memories, because it wasn't all bad either. We will just have to see what happens. I am one person, and I am doing the best that I can to pick up the pieces for all five of us.

Thanks for your support.

Michy...

August 17, 2009
5:39 pm
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He won't win on the "she isn't emotionally stable" crap. No way. HE was the cause of it, for Pete's sake.

You will do fine. I am really proud of your gumption and courage.

- Ma Strong

August 17, 2009
7:36 pm
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soofoo
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Mich, my ex pulled the same crap and it didn't work. And I had been to the psych hospital and everything. Everyone told me it wouldn't work, yet my anxiety was practically overwhelming nonetheless.

Does your ex have a private investigator? That may be how he knows stuff. My ex had one on me. I was shocked when I finally found out. I really never thought he would do something like that.

August 18, 2009
2:47 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Picking up the pieces a little more each day,

Praying to God, in these memories, I won't stay.

Going back and seeing the pictures in that book,

Wondering why I continue to look.

Pages and pages of memories to forever hold dear,

Amazing how they hide all the pain and all of the fear.

I thought for so long, I knew who you were,

Now I know, I was never quite sure.

Trying to get through the pain every night,

Closing my eyes, as the nightmares I fight.

I gave you everything I possibly could,

Hurt me like this, I never knew you would.

Now for you I have nothing left to give,

Unsure after 12 years, of how to live.

Took care of your babies, and tried to be,

Everything and then some you needed from me.

Still hear my children screaming for you to quit,

What part of how wrong you were, don't you get?

I trusted you with my heart and now it is torn,

Now I must grieve, and allow myself to mourn.

I get up every day, and I fight back the tears,

For all the things I did love over those long 12 years.

Some days I still miss you and I am not sure why,

Today is one of those days, I just want to cry.

A part of me will always love the "you" I married,

Wish you could take part of the pain that I have carried.

Hope that one day you wake up and see,

All of the pain you caused your children and me.

Don't want to remember the bruises and fights,

Wish I could let go of all the countless sleepless nights.

I allowed you to hurt my babies, and with that I struggle,

I can't take it away, just console them and snuggle.

You are their dad, they love you to no end,

It scares me to think, that on you they depend.

So desperate for your love and hoping you will see,

Everything you could possibly want them to be.

You are missing so much, you have no clue,

Never will you know a love so true.

Abused we all were, by your words and your hands,

Scared were they of all of your demands.

It is over now, and every day is a new day,

But surely some of the memories are there to stay.

I miss you so much, yet the hate is so deep,

Thanks for the memories that we get to keep.

My heart is broken, my dreams are shattered,

So many days, my thoughts are scattered.

You have the house and you have your life,

I am left to pick up the pieces for your kids and your wife.

Thanks to my friends, I will see this through,

I thought that I couldn't, but I know that's not true.

Strength is gained every day now,

We will get through this, just not always sure how.

12 years of memories, and I was put to the test,

You took what you could, but you can't have the rest.

One day when I get up, I hope that I look in the mirror and see,

The beautiful woman that's staring right back at me.

I know that I will cause she is there, it is true,

It will just take a little while thanks to the damage done by you.

August 18, 2009

August 18, 2009
4:04 pm
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I hope you get this published. It's awesome and deeply touches my heart.

- Ma Strong

August 19, 2009
10:07 am
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(((((((( MICH ))))))))

Your writing is always so touching...

You are simply amazing in your ability to express your feelings...

I understand how you feel... It's important to feel what you feel at the moment.. It is a process.. And you are correct -- it is a loss of a dream of a 12 year marriage..

I am thinking of you always..

Can you believe how far we have both come since we met here almost 3 years ago???

I think it is good that we can both reflect on where we were when we first met ... and how far we have both come... in order for us to see that we do indeed move forward and have both become stronger...

I love you

((( Mich ))))

~Need

August 19, 2009
10:07 am
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needtoheal
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(((((((( MICH ))))))))

Your writing is always so touching...

You are simply amazing in your ability to express your feelings...

I understand how you feel... It's important to feel what you feel at the moment.. It is a process.. And you are correct -- it is a loss of a dream of a 12 year marriage..

I am thinking of you always..

Can you believe how far we have both come since we met here almost 3 years ago???

I think it is good that we can both reflect on where we were when we first met ... and how far we have both come... in order for us to see that we do indeed move forward and have both become stronger...

I love you

((( Mich ))))

~Need

August 19, 2009
7:42 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Ah ((Mich))

You have come so far and are doing so well. Would that I have half the strength you show.

Need is right. Look at where you were and where you are. You are doing good. Really you are. I'm so sorry things hurt so much right now but I really believe you are on the road to something so much better.

Keep on believing in yourself... we all do

love and hugs

August 19, 2009
9:15 pm
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Isis
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(((Michy)))

August 20, 2009
4:53 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Hey ladies...

I appreciate all of your support right now!! It means a lot to me to be able to vent and be free to say what is on my mind.

I am still attending both of the support groups that I was attending this time last year...my divorce support group and the sexual abuse one. I am off and on with a one on one therapist, and that will be more permanent again once the kids get back in school. I look forward to that because I think that it would be really helpful to me.

I started back to school today as well. I am NOT giving that up. I think that I am going to change my major one more time....imagine that!! I think I am going to try to get in to the RN program. Then if I so choose, I will go for my Masters in Social Work...but, I am not sure about that either. I have a mission in mind....!! Not to mention that the money will be FAR better.

I am only taking 13 credits this term though...I was registered for 17 but thought that I should reconsider...so, I dropped math!!

Again, I appreciate all of your support.

And I am working on getting some of the poems into a place to get them published. I think that it would be really helpful...

Mich

August 20, 2009
11:58 pm
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andii
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You write well Mich. It IS true: a man/person/situation can take just about everything from us.

But nobody.

No thing.

Nobody, no thing, can take our soul. Our spirit. Our life.

These things, they can only be given.

And can always!

Be taken back.

(((mich)))

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