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Mich has a question....regarding sexual assault....
September 11, 2009
6:25 pm
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andii
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Okay Bitsy.

It breaks my heart there are people who respond to others as Destiny has done to Mich. It undermines my faith in humanity and causes me to be afraid in this world. I'm a deeply spiritual being, and this kind of thing really rocks my world to the point that I just don't even know what to do with it.

September 11, 2009
6:32 pm
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andii
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Okay I'm beginning to understand. This isn't the first time Destiny has persecuted somebody. Even when begged to stop- NOPE!

so they say
20-Apr-09

Destinystar, you are lying about me again. Please stop. I have explained this further in a thread on the Lib side titled Destinystar, please stop.

September 11, 2009
6:33 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Andii, I hate that you witnessed a bad experience here. For the most part the people here are helpful and caring. A while back there was some "rumor and innuendo" about people posting under other names. There was a thread over on the Lib side that got out of hand and the Site Coordinator deleted it. Whoever our Site Coordinator is, they very rarely step into a thread. In the 2+ years I have been here I have only seen them step in these two times.

I know that you have not witnessed it on this thread but you can share what is going on in your life because we are anonymous. I wouldn't be able to share as much about myself if you knew that I am a "50 year old designer from Los Angeles" (which is completely not true about me but I was using it as an example rather than telling you any real identifying information.

Bitsy

September 11, 2009
6:35 pm
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andii
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Oh here's a real supportive post from Destiny:

Destinystar
28-Jul-08

What kind of a person like you allows her children to be beaten then continues to live with the man. Obviously a child abuser lover.

You have social services in your life cause you are an unfit parent that is not to be trusted.

You obviously have issues. And want to blame everyone for your sick feelings.

Since you blame everyones wives for their husbands problems maybe you were the reason why your husband beat your kids he must of got sick and tired of your mental abuse.

September 11, 2009
6:52 pm
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andii
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Here's a good post as well. Evidence to me that Destiny does NOT believe Mich is sociopathic or a liar, as if that were the case, Destiny would have nothing to do with Mich, including NOT posting on her thread. NO- DESTINY WANTS TO HURT MICH. Why, well, that I don't get yet.

Destinystar
18-May-08

It is very tempting to label folks we just plain dont get on with. In particular, dont call people sociopaths to their faces - if your wrong, youve done them an injustice and if youre right it will only make the situation worse as you've given them another reason to bully or otherwise abuse you. Try & get independent verification of your suspicions.

The safest thing to do is to have NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH A SOCIOPATH. If thats not possible, start reading the books mentioned and use the strategies they describe. Think only in terms of your survival - these people are a threat to your sanity, your career and your wallet.

Attempting psychotherapy on someone you know will make you bot sicker.

September 11, 2009
7:01 pm
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Shaney
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Bitsy,

"A while back there was some "rumor and innuendo" about people posting under other names...."

That's funny that you'd bring that situation up to andii. While reading some of these posts, I was reminded of the same thing!

September 11, 2009
7:05 pm
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andii
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Please explain.....

September 11, 2009
9:03 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Hey guys....

Guess I missed a lot. Not really sorry about that...but, it is what it is.

I am not going to fight with Destiny, for a couple of reasons. First, it is only adding fuel to her fire. If you all quit posting to her...she won't have anything to respond to. Second, Destiny had a feeling about what I did....by starting this in a third person situation. Perhaps deception is what she felt, and I can accept that. For that, I will apologize to her and anyone else who may have felt the same way. Third, that isn't why I am here....and promised when I came back that I wouldn't do it anymore. Not because I am not fueled by the words of a woman that seems so bitter and angry.

I admit, starting this thread out about me was something that I questioned. I handled it poorly and I admit that. But, I did what I felt was right at the time.

I appreciate the support that some have offered, and can honestly appreciate the difference in opinions. I haven't read all of these posts word for word. I haven't and I admit that. I can't at the moment. What I can say is this, I would appreciate it if this all ended. I don't think that it is productive. I am struggling and I don't want it to be any worse than it already is.

Destiny, for years you and I have struggled to get along. I would appreciate it if we could agree to disagree. I made some mistakes, and I admit that. I know you aren't happy that I am back...and that is ok. I accept that. But, I would appreciate it if you don't continue to rip me apart. I have made some poor choices in the past, and am doing my best to get beyond it. Clearly you have not. If you don't have anything decent to say, all I ask is (politely) that you just don't respond. I would truly appreciate it.

Thank you all. Maybe on another thread...I can explain where I am at with all of this at this time. But, for me...this thread is over.

Mich

September 11, 2009
10:42 pm
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fantas
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Mich, I appreciate you posting this. I felt a little off about how you started it off and changed it midway but there is no right way to deal with these things. I believe you did what felt right to you at the time. What is important is your first thoughts were to reach out just like you did it. I'm really sorry this happened to you. Hang in there and I hope you are able to move through this quickly. Keep posting!!!

September 12, 2009
7:42 am
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darkeyes
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hi the conflict that has gone on in this tread in last few days has terrified me, i dont feel its safe here anymore, coming to this site i was crying out for help, and so scared to speak in case someone reconized me, now i feel its not safe any more..i cant believe how anyone could attack mich at the worst time in her life, no matter how she put her story across. it was abuse she got here also, and thats something i want no part of....now im asking "healthy"? what is healty. i read most of everyones treads, if i could help in any way i would otherwise i never say anything...... site co ordinator i thing should have said a little bit more than was said, and reasured our trust in this site...... darkeyes

September 12, 2009
8:37 am
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through_the_fire
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I have no idea how to interpret the SC's post. Is the SC saying that Mich should have posted about herself or revealed that the incident involved herself? The thing is-- that's the ideal, but it's not always possible. People test others for trustworthiness all the time.

If this site is about just posting about our own issues, stories, recovery, then I guess that makes it an on-line journal. It seems that the SC would expect others to not respond to whatever thread with input, insight, or possible advice.

Yes, fixing others, taking on others' problems is a co-dependent quality, but are we really to simply read what someone writes and say "keep talking"?

Fire

September 12, 2009
10:42 am
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chelonia mydas
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I have received much support from many people on this site. Darkeyes, don't leave. If nothing else, please stop by the Coffeehouse thread and join me for a cup of your favorite beverage.

I think the site coordinator was asking that we not be so cruel to eachother. Its not our place to pass judgement, but to share our feelings, experiences and viewpoints. If we stick to support through shared experience then it eliminates the possibility to judge.

For example if we were to follow SC's advice those posting to Mich would have kept to their experiences of rape, drinking too much etc. This would have let Mich know she (or her friend) is not alone having experienced this situation. If we also share the outcome and self reflection we encountered in our experience then she would also gain more perspectives on her current situation.

Of course its always welcome to get hugs and support from anyone when faced with any crisis. Even for those who were not raped or drank too much they could share something along the lines of "I haven't experienced that, but I am here to support you and give hugs whenever you need them"

Just my $.02

Sometimes these attacks flair up on this site, but please don't let that detract from the overall support and healing that happens here. Those that attack are working through their own issues as best as they can. When I have seen attacks happening, I often just ignore that person's posts. Sometimes, if their posts have effected me, I will share my experience/feelings about their behavior. But once I've said my piece I let them digest it and ignore their bad behavior or report it to the SC, so she can intervene if needed.

September 12, 2009
11:03 am
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marypoppins
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Very well put, Chelonia. Darkeyes, please continue to read and post when you feel better. It's true that we're all learning and hopefully growing. The Coffeehouse thread is an established, peaceful, and nurturing thread. As you read, you'll see some other threads where the same group of posters post daily and consistently offer support.

Mary

September 12, 2009
11:49 am
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darkeyes
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hi i have got great support here and insight from others, atalose has helped me greatly, i was just shocked in reading this tread, if i said something could i be attacked like mich, when i post im at my most vulernable and it scares me enough to post. i love visiting coffeehouse yer all such great friends there,and care about each other that, comes across lovely. thats what i felt this site was al about, positive imput, mightened like what i hear sometimes but that ok coz it came from a good place.. i know if i was mich id be devasted god love her, im angry, im sad, im hurt, i dont know where i am in life right now but god could i ever take it out on anyone else, codependency is a place of pain why would you want to inflict more on anyone if you know how it feels, and you hear how much in pain they are,. its just who i am , and il never make a excuse for that... thanks ladies, i hope mich knows that majority are great people on here all on a journey to heal..................darkeyes

September 12, 2009
11:54 am
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through_the_fire
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Thanks, Chelonia. For some reason my brain was foggy, and the SC's words were not making sense.

Some times I think people might start off speaking of their own related experiences, but they may have a lot of guilt, judgment and unfinished work concerning the matter. I guess that's where humility comes in. We don't have to appear as though we have all the wisdom for ourselves and others. I certainly know I don't!

Fire

September 12, 2009
1:38 pm
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mistyrain
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I have been following this post because something like this happened to me and I never told anyone. But if I tell someone do you think this is the sorta reaction im going to get?

September 12, 2009
2:02 pm
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fantas
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September 12, 2009
2:12 pm
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fantas
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Mistyrain,

I do not think you will get the same response if you come on behalf of yourself. I can only speak for myself here, but I responded the way I did because I thought that the person asking on behalf of the friend would take the information and curtail it to match the needs of the friend. Also, I do not think she deserved to be raped because she had drunk. Instead, I was hoping to speak of all the things that can go wrong when we do not have our wits and mental clarity about us. I think this is what many people were driving to in their way.

I have been molested as a child and raped in high school and I know first hand how manipulative and sick people can be. Because of it, I try to do the best I can to make sure that I do not get hurt again. I take measures when I go out or walk at night,I let at least one person know when I go out with a new person. I'm learning to honor and respect my intuition where people are concerned. That's all I can do.

Please feel free to share your information.

September 13, 2009
11:58 am
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MsGuided
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I've never experienced rape, but that doesn't mean I did all the right things to avoid it. I've had many instances where i was intoxicated, but I had a protector or was lucky.

I had an few experiences where it could of happened but I am tall, strong and became aggressive when it happened. I had all my senses about me so it wasn't hard. SURE my heart was racing and I had FEAR, but I turn into a harder target.

That being said.

((MICH))

I don't give a damn if you lied. People lie to protect themselves or to take advantage of others. You didn't deserve to be raped even if you had a few drinks.

You are just protecting yourself from a possible attack/judgement here.

Not all lieing is bad.

ROHYPNOL comes to mind. Everything you describe screams RUPI/ROOFIES. This jerk slipped you an anesthetic!

If I am expected to conduct myself properly it is a requirement for ALL. The lines blurr at times, but it tells you something about people, how they choose to deal with another who is vulnerable.

Attack or help.

I'ld stick with the help, and expect it from a balanced human being.

Whether it's physical or mental vulnerability, administering the final blow says something about the advice giver and the rapist. IMHO.

You're obviously very off balance, due to ending your marriage, and I think you need to be EXTRA CAREFUL in public, around strangers. Predators can smell that a mile away.

Wits and mental clarity. Where is that at when you're struggling with the divorce, taking more abuse from the X through the justice system?

You wanted to let off a bit of steam, have fun, but I doubt you can viel what you're experiencing with your X.

This isn't a scolding, just trying to be a voice that says, BE CAREFUL during this difficult time. Protect yourself until you feel stronger.

I hope you can heal from this and find some peace through the divorce.

Be around those you can trust as much as possible.

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