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met someone and have a date- but am I ready? (ella)
August 4, 2005
9:34 pm
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Hi. I need help. This is complicated and I already made a dozen mistakes. I've been very lonely but I haven't tried to meet anyone because I just don't feel good about myself, still upset about ex, etc. Six months seems like a short time to me to move on, but I don't know- do you pass up an attractive opportunity when it presents itself?

There is this guy who always was friendly to me, and though I thought he was attractive I was otherwise preoccupied. Anyway, the negative part is that he lives in my building. My building is a high rise- but still... I'm a little apprehensive.

We started talking while doing laundry and spent the whole day chatting away. Unfortunately, I did disclose things I wouldn't normally have to a perspective date because I didn't expect things to go in that direction. I figured he was just bored on laundry day! Plus, he asked a lot of questions.

So we talked about some deep stuff. In a way it's good- it gets it out of the way- he knows somethings about my past that I figured he'd come across anyway (our lives seem to overlap ...it's a long story... I'm sure he has come across my ex since he works as a social worker where my ex goes to treatment!!!!). He asked about my last boyfriend, etc... But aside from that- I have my own issues that I don't know how to hide from people who spend a lot of time with me. All my past relationships (except for one) were with guys I was FRIENDS with first for a while. We might have jumped into things and even had sex too soon- but we knew each other first.

It has only been one day, and I want this just to be a date, but we already spent 12 hours together and ended up kissing already. I know I have to slow it down and not end up sleeping with him. Did i already blow it? I loved talking to him... I'm just too used to giving in to instant gratification. I just don't want another reason to feel bad about myself.

ella

August 4, 2005
9:36 pm
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ps

the date is on Saturday... i need advice!

August 4, 2005
9:41 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Ella: My advice- take it slow. But go out w/ him- what the heck. Why not? Nothing wrong w/ getting your feet wet. Doesn't mean you have to get married!

Just some triggers for me- that he asked about past boyfriends already. My ex did that the first date- thought he was getting too personal too quick. Turns out he was- he was in a big hurry. Just his MO.

Also that he lives in your bldg- another reason to take it slower than usual. Again, my ex lives in my complex and I am sure you have read my many past threads about how awful that is. If things don't work out, it puts you in a very sticky situation and its a b****h to get over when they are around all of the time.

So go out, have fun, just don't let him charm the pants off of you (literally!). Keep your eyes wide open. SD

August 4, 2005
9:41 pm
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Ella, just make sure your are comfy on the date...and don't go anywhere where you can get intimate, say your apt or his, or even a car!!! just meet for coffee or lunch and keep it casual, that way you don't have and excuse for the instant gratification, and you can take things slow and see if you are even ready for dating yet...good luck!

August 4, 2005
9:48 pm
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Hi Ella,

You are at very vulnerable stage in your life due to breakup with your Ex. So, what you are doing is very understandable. We all crave love, intimacy and affection.

Yes, you are moving SO FAST. If I were you, I would be upfront with the new date and tell him that you've had breakup only 6 months ago and you would like to take your time, explore this friendship and take it slow and heal from previous relationship. Since he is social worker, I am sure he will understand very well what you're talking about. He should even be telling you that.

Enjoy yourself, take your time. You are kind lady and I wish you all the best. Who knows this guy could turn out to be Mr. Right!!! Wink

~Love, RAS~

August 4, 2005
9:49 pm
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sdesigns-

Oh I DO remember your posts!!! Thanks for the reminder and the wise words. I agree that he appears to be a bit in a hurry. I think he may have to wait. Honestly... I could be the same way for purely physical reasons right now. It would make me feel like such crap. I do like him and that's reason enough not to give in. If he can't take it, well- it's better than feeling like shit over another guy-- I'll just put an end to it before it begins.

One reason he may have asked about the boyfriends is because I'm sure he'd seen mine around. And in his profession maybe he was trying to get an idea of what he was dealing with (a girl who was dating an obvious IV drug addict). I didn't ask about girlfriends. I'm not that invested in this- I just don't want to do anything stupid just because I feel like having sex.

This is all easier said than done of course! So I will be on here every night furiously typing away to you all!

-ella

August 4, 2005
9:51 pm
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Thanks Camer.

This will all be very hard. My hormones are raging, I do not like to go w/out sex for this long (who does?) but it is a must if I am going to build my self esteem.

-ella

August 4, 2005
9:57 pm
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Rasputin-

Hi. Thanks. Yeah, we've spoken about six months and what that means already. I just had to say how I felt. He kind of took me by surprise. I don't expect to be asked out on laundry day. So I told him I have a lot on my plate, a lot of issues I'm dealing with, etc...

It could be a disaster, or it could be great, or we could be just friends which would be more than I have right now. Because I have no past with this guy, if from this point on all things became were someone to have dinner or watch movies with that would make me so happy.

-ella

August 4, 2005
9:59 pm
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Hi Ella: Another thing I would do is maybe find out about his dating history. This is a mistake I made last time, went in w/ blinders on, and it was too late when I found out about the guy. I guess I am panicking for you!! But of course I know so much more about this stuff now- thanks to everyone here at AAC.

I understand about being horny though- if thats whats its going to be (nothing wrong w/ that either) don't do it w/ someone that lives there!!!

Pretty exciting though just being asked out on a date. I'm thrilled for you. Its been waaaaayyy too long since I've been on one.

August 4, 2005
10:53 pm
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Sdesigns-

Yes, I will ask about the girlfriends eventually. All I did was kind of ask, 1/2 joking and then more seriously "So will I meet other women you asked out from the laundry room?" He laughed and said "There are no others." I said "Seriously, so how often do you date women from the building?" He said never, that he is VERY shy. (Doesn't seem that way does it?) except that before he moved to this building he met a girl he became engaged to and they lived in another borough together for a while. The relationship started to fall apart before he got his apt. here, but they stayed together a very short time when he first got here and then broke up. I didn't inquire about others. In due time.

Part of me wishes he was from somewhere else so I could do what I feel like doing. Another part of me says- everything happens for a reason- maybe this will force me to behave myself.

August 4, 2005
10:58 pm
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Ella,

so, the crazy codep in me thinks "oh my god, it MUST be him, how could he move on so quickly?!"...just thought you may find that funny.

But the reason I thought it is that he is one who moves on too fast, gets intensly personally invested in women and has these torrid emotional relationships with them (if he's a redhead with a baby, by the way, don't listen to a word he says, he's a JERK, not a victim!:)), and in the end these girls, myself included have given so much of themselves to him, let him in on every part of their lives...Angel4u had a thread about the charmer/narcistic, I think, that would be worth looking into there.

Why not meet him out publicly? I dated a guy in my building once for a brief time, and the way I kept it slow was to meet him on my lunch break and on nights i knew I had plans. Why not be one of those people who meet in front of Barnes and Nobles and take it from there? And at the end of the date, say that you'll call him but you have other plans so you won't be able to ride the train back with him. Because then it's "SO, what's your apt. like? Really? Mine doesn't have that, can I take a peek? Or even the aquard splitting up at the elevator or whatever. Coffe can't end up sex if you do it right. Neither can a movie or dinner...drinks, however, at a place nearby could.

I'm so glad to see you wanting to move foreward, but think it may be wise to be guarded, if not because of heavy charisma right now with this guy, then because of what you have been through so recently. It would be easy to fall into a comfort zone before you get to fall in love with the person you're REALLY just made for...yourself! And see? Other people, cute boys for example, don't think Ella's so invisible either!!!

((((Ella)))), have fun, be good to you, but do it FOR YOU, you deserve it!:)

Hugs, ef

August 4, 2005
11:15 pm
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Oh EF: Have you got them nailed or what? The line about if you want to see THEIR place- Ha! Afterall, they are gentlemen when they come to pick you up at your place, they've seen your place, so just kinda natural to ask if you want to see theirs. Ella, you're going to be so prepped for this date! SD

August 4, 2005
11:50 pm
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exotic flower,

hello. oh no red hair! dark like mine. 🙂

well, i see i'm about to do some things you are telling me not to do so if I go ahead I will preceed with caution. First off we are just going to a restaurant up the block.

Second, while I'm a little surprised about the speed/serious intent at this point... it takes two to tango. It was me too... I could have told him to hold off on kissing me, but I didn't. I let the conversation go where it went... it would have been possible to keep it to the superficial. Honestly, I think we are both lonely. And attracted to each other.

It's just that SOMEONE if not both people have to look at the big picture and act with respect to themselves and the other. I don't necessarily think he is being disrespectful or taking advantage if I am sending signals that that is what I want. But I DID warn him that I have "issues", and stopped at kissing. That's fast, but 90 percent slower than usual for me. So I'm learning!

At least I won't be drunk or high this time and I told him a day that wasn't immediately after we met which would have kept things pretty hot. At least there's time to cool it and think before we act!!!

-ella

August 5, 2005
5:21 pm
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exoticflower
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LOL, thanks for soothing the lunatic beast inside me! I don't want him, good grief, but ah for paranoia and not wanting anyone else to want him!!! Is unhealthy thinking any more healthy if you can find humor init?

I hope that you are eagerly anticipating your date and that you have a really wonderful time...one that respects the boundaries you set for yourself, of course, but that can be fun too in its way.

Hugs, ef

August 5, 2005
6:01 pm
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Ella,

My suggestion to you is to be cautious, yet go out and have a good time. Be yourself, whatever yourself may be.

As far as only being out of relationship for 6 months, I wouldn't worry about that either. If you want to go, go. IMO, If you weren't ready to see other people....you wouldn't. Perhaps you ARE ready to start meeting others and see where it takes you.

I had been broken up with my ex for only a week when I met my current b/f. At first I thought....it's too soon. But then I decided what the hell, why should I miss the oportunity to have something great?

Well.....it wasn't great... lol.....we broke up after 4 months because he was a raging alcoholic. True story.

Anyway, we did remain friends and tried again after 2 years. We have been back together for 1 1/2 years now. We have both been sober for 1 year (as of Aug.12th) and although we still have had our issues (as one might expect with 2 people recovering from alcoholism)....things get better all the time.

Try not to worry......and have fun on your date.

Lolli

August 6, 2005
1:28 am
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lollipop-

thanks. i'm a little scared. a big part of me is afraid not that he won't like me, but that i won't like him. i saw him today because he slid some of his poems under my door.. i just got home so i opened it up and said hello. i don't know what to tell him about the poems. i don't write poetry anymore. i was never very good... i just did it for me. he seems to be so into it, but he doesn't seem to be any more a writer than i am. So what do i say? he said nice things about my artwork. I just don't read poetry anymore and even if the guy was a genius i wouldn't know what to say about it. how do I handle this tactfully?

-ella

August 6, 2005
1:39 am
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exotic flower-

funny, there are certain things that will sort of prevent me from acting stupidly. One is that I've been absolutely exhausted and can't imagine getting physical with anyone. Two is that I feel crappy about my body and don't want to be seen naked anytime soon (I have PMS). Third is that I need a pelvic exam and would like to talk to my dr. about the ethics and risks of me having sex with someone when I once had genital warts. Apparently using a condom does nothing to prevent that. So will I have to explain myself? So many people say "No, everyone has that?" I disagree. Anyone?

-ella

August 6, 2005
7:58 am
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Ella,

As far as the poetry is concerned, I myself would just be polite. I had the EXACT same situation happen to me. A guy I met wrote some of the worse poetry I have ever read in my entire life. It was actually painful to read but somehow, some way, I always found something nice to say (I felt kinda like Paula Abdul on American Idol!). I'm all for not hurting someone's feelings so if it sucks.....I would try to find something nice to say.

As far as the STD goes.....unfortunately I know all too well about it. I have been and would always be honest about it. Believe me....I know how hard it is to be that vulnerable to someone and risk rejection but IMO, it is the other person's choice if it is a risk they are willing to take. We cannot make that choice for them.

My suggestion is just take your time. You don't have to tell him right away. Get to know him and let him get to know you.....

And most importantly.....always remember that it is just something that you have (which MILLIONS of others have as well)....IT DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!

((((hugs to you))))

Lolli

August 6, 2005
8:15 am
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Ella, I had a friend who has it, and she transmitteted it to a man she really loved who didn't know at all that she had it. She wasn't using proper lubrication, which broke the skin, her dr. said that could have a lot to do with how it happened when she wasn't having an outbreak. Needless to say she and this man where over, not from the std, but from the hiding it and not first letting him educate himself to best protect himself and make up his own mind. 1 out of 3 I think it is now that has an std and knows about it, but there is still that 3rd of the population who has slipped through the cracks and you have to be fair and happy for them, IMHO. I'm in that one third and I wouldn't be disgusted with a partner with an std, nor would it turn me away, but I wuold feel very disrespected if I wasn't given the right to decide how to protect myself.

Of course you don't need to worrry about it NOW though, STD's are probably not neccassary first date talk. Even if it's another 12 hour date:), I think you have a few before sexuality becomes much of an issue. Just one more reason to help you keep it REEEAAALY slow, at least until you talk to your dr. I read an article once that said you should bring it up at a seperate date from romantic ones, like call and ask to meet for coffee for half an hour, that you would like to share something with him. It keeps it seperate from romantic matters so as not to put a damper on a sweeter evening, and you can get out and let him have some time to think and sort of absorb the information.

Just what I know, I wish you luck on this one...((((ella)))), and am so glad to know that you are being responsible for body matters AND for the emotions you know someone shares with you in a relationship of any sort, and concidering those heavily. If you DO run into that ex of mine, sit down and give him a good talking to?:)

August 6, 2005
1:16 pm
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Just wanted to pop in and say have fun tonight, Ella. As far as sex- don't shave your legs today and then you won't want to have sex anyhow. Just my tip for the day. SD

August 6, 2005
2:01 pm
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SD, so true and painfully funny!!! YOu could also go Bridget Jones style, Ella, and wear TREMENDOUS underpants, I've done that when I don't trust myself with a guy. Or a REALLY dingy white bra with runs in the nylon?:) Oh, this is a fun game. Write a goofy word on your belly, THAT'll curb the urge!

August 6, 2005
2:13 pm
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Sweet Ella,

I will be thinking of you today. Enjoy yourself, life is toooo short.

As for sex (OOOOOOOOOOOOOO), I am already shaking. Think twice before you do that. Sacrifice superfacial pleasure for the sake of true joy.
I will say prayer for you today honey!

~Love, RAS~

SD & Flower: I cracked up when I read your tips & ideas to avoid sex!
ROFL. You both are SO FUUUUUUNY!!!

August 6, 2005
2:19 pm
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ROFL Big Underpants! Thats almost like a chastity belt.

August 7, 2005
10:28 pm
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Hello everyone!!!

The tips to avoid sex were hysterical. Funny that I just read them now because my method was to not shower before the date. I mean I showered to go to work earlier, but I didn't thoroughly freshen up like I would as if I knew someone would be up close and personal.

You all gave such excellent advice and I truly attempted to follow it to a T but didn't measure up. For one thing, I tried to avoid going to the apartments- we went to the park to talk- but I had to pee and we ended up going inside anyway. We weren't even going to stay, but started talking etc. Yes, we kissed and when things seemed to get hot on both sides I had to control myself and put a halt to it. No clothing was shed or anything- very innocent stuff.

But he definitely wanted to go further, so did I. It just got awkward so I had to talk to him about it. I feel I held back from the beginning so I just wanted to be communicative. It's all good because I'm not sure this is the guy for me.

We talked a lot of non-first date stuff because, quite frankly, I'm not sure I want to be with someone who can't handle certain things. I'm not in a good place right now. So I got a lot of information about him out of revealing stuff about myself, in a way. There are some major red flags here. He's nice and fun, but there are a lot of things to be weary of.

Three big ones are:

He told me he gets bored very easily in relationships and changes his mind about people. Uh. Hello. Thanks for the heads up.

He keeps trying to get me to reexamine my views on certain things (change my opinion) and we only just met. That is something that is a big part of his personality I observed.

He is a daily pot smoker. Not at all a big deal considering that my last bf was a heroin/coke addict and unemployed... but this guy doesn't seem to think it has anything to do with his relationship issues (boredom, etc).

Maybe he gets bored with women because he picks ones he sees as flawed or needing change and when that fails he gets disintrested? I think he doesn't realize that he does this. This ironically I don't understand, even after dating drug addicts for many years. I should "get it" but I don't.

He's doing the rescuer thing with me, and believe me, i could eat up the attention. But everything has strings.

I have few friends. I would love to hang out with him, but it seems complicated. He's good company, but probably not the one for me.

I need some support guys, cause I'm lonely here. And horny. Remember he lives right above me!!!

-ella

August 7, 2005
10:31 pm
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and he's cute.

i should run for the hills, right?

🙂

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