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mental abuse and codependency
April 27, 2009
9:44 pm
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yajamaka
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i've been married for almost more than two years and my wife thinks that i've been cheating on her. this is going on for almost two years. every week some problem, marriage counseling didn't help either. because our counselor told me, i gave her access to my emails, phone logs, so that she will trust me that i'm not cheating on her. there are several instances she will call me at office and tell me that she is going to kill herself and i'll be rushing home to see her sitting in the bathtub with a hair dryer, or pouring gasoline and trying to light herself. all these time i did use force, like grabbing her or pushing her because i was so mad.
one day she called the cops and told them that i beat her. because she claimed that i put something in her drink and put her to sleep and then bring my girl friend home and have sex with that girlfriend. i was in jail for three days and then she got an order of protection. she cleaned out our savings, including my current pay check, i have to take a loan to pay the mortgage and the bills.
but the problem was i still worried about her, and told my friends that there is nobody to take care of her(they told me that i'm codependant). why do i still want to go back to her and take care of her.
is this ever going to change.
all the threads that i read always talk about the abusive husband or boyfriend. is that the case all the time

April 27, 2009
11:30 pm
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fantas
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(((Yajamaka))), I'm sorry you are going through this with your wife. It sounds like she maybe mentally and emotionally unstable in which case, there is nothing you can really do for her but get her to the right psychiatrist. The suicide manipulations followed with the police call etc. all help to fix her need for a high.

The codependent part in you, as I understand codependent to mean, is the part that responds to them because somehow you feel responsible for her state which enables her to continue doing this. The truth is if she really meant to kill herself, she would and will if she ever gets ready to. You have to make peace with the fact that you have absolutely no control over her living or dying. She and the almighty do.

You need to continue therapy and work through your attachment to her drama. This way of living does not honor you or her and definitely not your marriage. She should take charge of her emotional upheaval and seek medical help. You can support in doing that but not with her drama. Through therapy you can learn to detach with love and own what is yours in the relationship and she can own her stuff. Right now, you are sort of in a parent child relationship, and not a very happy one at such.

Keep posting. Attend Coda meetings in your area for support. I also think you should research further into bipolar, manic depression, depression, and all sorts of other mental illnesses to understand your wife better. Hang in there!!

April 28, 2009
6:04 am
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yajamaka
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Thanks fantas, i did attend one coda meeting last week and the materials that i read about codependence was a huge revelations and it didn't paint a good picture about me and my character. i can't believe myself that i'm attached to the drama. two years were so miserable i could have gotten out, if i wanted. in all those instances my wife would cry and beg for mercy and promise that it will never happen again. i went back to her trusting her. now i look back at those situations may be i did know that these will never change. i'm very pathetic.

April 28, 2009
6:26 am
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CAMER
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yes, it seems like your wife does need some medical help.

Keep working on yourself, attend Coda meetings, read books on codependency.......and keep going to counseling, if not for the marriage for yourself.

April 28, 2009
9:28 am
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caraway
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yajamaka,

Sounds like you have been patient and forgiving. I can't imagine how frustrated you must be to have to deal with all of this on a daily basis.

I was most interested that a licensed Counselor would tell you to allow access to your email, etc. to your spouse. There is nothing wrong with a little privacy and if there is trust it isn't a problem.

Also, the arrest is going to be on your record forever, does she realize that this will prevent you from getting certain jobs?

You can't fix her, or even help her, unless she participates. Maybe it is time to take care of YOU?

Best,

Cary

April 28, 2009
9:46 am
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RobynB
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Don't beat yourself up about this, you are not alone. It is very easy to get sucked into the cycle of a manipulative and mentally unhealthy person. (And although the media and general discussions would indicate that it happens to women more than men, the truth is that I think it probably happens about the same, it's just that men aren't as prone to "talking about their feelings" as women are.

Continue with meetings, readings, educate yourself. And as hard as this is, you may have to cut ties with her. Until she wants to actively manage her manipulative behavior, you will not be able to have a healthy relationship.

April 28, 2009
11:09 am
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yajamaka
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I can enter my house tomorrow as the order of protection stands dismissed as of April 29,2009.
since i was so scared that once i enter my house, if she is there she might scream and start calling cops and tell them that i hurt her, i went to the court to get myself an order or protection yesterday. at that time it looked like a great idea. after that i'm having a terrible time, that i'm betraying her or something like that. after a month of turmoil, i'm more than willing to forgive her, i feel like i betrayed her, if i send her out of my home. i started calling all friends about my feelings and they keep telling me that i'm doing the right thing to protect myself and told me that this order of protection will protect both me and her.
i don't know. <> you are right. men don't talk about their feelings. for a long time i didn't even want to acknowledge that my life sucks.

April 28, 2009
11:38 am
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Zebra
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Yajamaka,

I too agree with the other posters on this subject. Your wife needs medical attention and you need to seek thereapy for your codependancy. You are not alone my friend and we are here to offer suggestions and ears.

You have not betrayered your wife and you have done the right thing by protecting yourself and her as well.

Your life will get better, once you take action to help yourself first.

Hang in there and may peace be with you.

Z

April 28, 2009
1:02 pm
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fantas
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(((Yajamaka))), I so feel for you. I have a sister and friend who are diagnosed bipolar and when they refuse to take their medication, they turn every ones world upside down. Because they look normal and speak intelligently people do not look at them as sick people. Sometimes, even the doctors dismiss them. This last time, I had to ask insist that my mother have the police take her to the hospital because she wouldn't go on her own or with anyone else. It was very difficult but after it was done and my sister hospitalized and back on medication, my mother saw the difference and now understands why I insisted on it.

For better or worse, this is who your wife is. You have to accept that she is not stable and doesn't respond to life's circumstances like most people do.This means that you cannot judge anything she does by so called normal standards. You need to make sure that your household is safe and I do not think what you did falls in the betrayal category. Betrayal would be for you to expect her to act "normal" and respond "normal" to you. Betrayal would be you continuing to enable her to manipulate and hurt you and herself.

Again, I think that you guys should seek medical assistance asap. Your wife is hurting and she could use some relief and so could you. If she had any other form of illness, you wouldn't think twice about this nor would you take her "abnormal" behavior so personally. IMO, mental illness should be treated the same way. Make sure you and she are safe, whatever that takes and take the right steps. Every time she threatens to commit suicide, you should send the

April 28, 2009
1:04 pm
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fantas
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oops, hit the button too fast. Anyway, the next time she threatens suicide, call the emergency response team. They will book her into a psychiatry ward and she can get the help she needs.

April 28, 2009
1:07 pm
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CAMER
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your are not betraying her....and you are also not enabling her...that is good on your part, you are doing this for you and your protection!

April 28, 2009
8:53 pm
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yajamaka
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i went to see a psychiatrist today to help me with the co-dependency(he was referred by a participant from a coda meeting).
the session made me feel really good.
he understood what i'm going through and kind of predicted my current mood based on my narration of the last two years. all day today i keep getting this heavy feeling in my heart or stomach as tomorrow is the day i get to go back to my home. also i realize that she may not be home when i go there tomorrow. that makes me realize that i'm loosing her.

April 28, 2009
9:43 pm
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fantas
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(((Yajamaka))), Hang in there!!! Take it a day at a time. As you learn to strengthen yourself, you will learn to handle this as well. In the mean time, do something rewarding for seeking help with the psychiatrist and here. Honor yourself for taking care of yourself. The truth is, until you understand what it feels like to take care of yourself, you wont be able to take care of someone else, no matter how much you want to.

April 29, 2009
12:03 am
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yajamaka
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((fantas)) i do not understand "do something rewarding for seeking help with the psychiatrist and here".

what is it that i should do. before my marriage, i took ice skating classes, dance classes, gym, badminton and had a tough schedule. now i'm planning to go back and get busy. atleast that will keep me busy from thinking about these stuffs. i guess

April 29, 2009
5:16 am
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fantas
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Yajamaka,

I meant do something you enjoy but make sure that you are doing it to celebrate yourself as opposed to using it a distraction from what is going on. IMO, celebrating yourself will lift your mood and morale, while doing it for distraction is keeping you in the sad place. Of course, when you ice skate, etc, it will distract you from your cares.

Yes, these are all great ideas and you don't have to do them all. Just choose the one or two that you enjoy the most and do them at least a couple times a week, if not daily. It will give you something positive to look forward to each day. Whichever one you choose, commit to not quitting regardless of your life situation. Mine is Salsa, but I have neglected to give that to myself in the last little while, but I'm committing to doing it at least once a week. What do you say, we hold each other accountable on this one 🙂

Hang in there!!

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