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Men:mars vs. women:venus
February 22, 2000
1:00 pm
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lazydazy
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Well, I used to feel like my whole life was figured out, I was confident, finally had a grasp on who I was, where I came from and where I was going. Then something happened and I became a different person, lost confused, miserable. Now I'm breaking out of my depression and many things are coming out from hiding, in many ways, tearing my world apart, once again. Me and my boyfriend were best friends for a year and a half before we started dating. Now, we have been dating for the past year and a half, most of the time, me being in a state of depression. The other day, I realized that before I held alot of things in because I was afraid of what he thought of me, like I was the crazy girlfriend. And a reason is because, he never shares with me, I always thought that he hides alot of his feelings. Now after being depressed, all of these bottled up emotions are coming out. I feel like I dont connect with him. I told him that the other day and he accused me of ganging up on him.
He says that he really doesnt think that deeply about things. He tries to avoid conflict and us even having that conversation, he felt like we were fighting. This is his analogy,"If we were in a resteraunt and a waitress brought him cold fries, he would rather sit and suffer with the cold fries than make himself unhappy for bothering the waitress, and making her do more work, I on the other hand would be happier knowing that I got my moneys worth but also knowing that the waitress knows that its her job to heat up cold fries."

I grew up in a household where I felt like I didnt know my parents. There were alot of secrets and alot of hiding feelings and not letting (the children) us know about whats going on. When Im in a relationship, I need feedback if I have a problem, I need to talk about things, and I cant feel paranoid that its my fault my boyfriend is in a bad mood just because he wont tell me whats wrong. is there a guy out there that understands this logic or reasoning? Or is there anyone out there that can relate?

February 23, 2000
8:17 pm
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janes
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Sure...there are lots of folks out here that can relate. Sounds to me like you are looking for a healthy relationship. But you might want to go with your gut instinct that you want an open relationship where feelings can be discussed and blame is not placed or accepted for bad moods. If you want a healthy relationship don't worry about being called the crazy girlfriend...
Perhaps you might want to work on being the best you that you can be...finding your SELF making that self happy, being comfortable inyour own skin and mind, being complete within yourslef and let this relationship turn back into a friendship (if possible) while waiting for someone who is doing just what you are doing (finging himself) to bump into you.
The reading I've done (for me) about co-dependence, dysfuncional families etc. has been really helpful!! Find you...sounds like you are really trying to be on the right track (openess, honesty etc. keep it up.
Wasn't it Scorates who said...Know Thyself? go for it!!

February 24, 2000
10:14 am
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Cici
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There is a big problem in a relationship where neither of the parties communicate. I've read a few of those books (the man are from mars book was written by a man who got his PhD through the mail) and also "What Women Want - What Men Want: Why the sexes still see love and committment so differently"

Both of these books fall prey to the natrualistic fallacy. They state that women and men are fundamentally different and there's nothing we can do about it. Nothing could be more wrong. Things as they are isn't necessarily as they should be, and we AREN'T helpless in this matter.

It's all about really talking to someone. It's about feeling comfortable enough with them to be yourself and it's about them feeling comfortable enough to be themself. It's about looking at yourself and other honestly and acceptingly. We let our own ego get in the wa of connecting ot people sometimes.

February 24, 2000
12:06 pm
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lazydazy
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Yes, I know. I'm trying to open up more and more to everything, be honest in my life. I find myself happier and free of guilt that way. My boyfriend on the other hand, believes that he is emotionally available to me, and I am the person he tells everything to. I believe him, he does tell me things that hes never told anyone before, but on a day to day basis, I want more from him. I've told him and I feel like this is going to be a never ending battle between us. The thing is, I really do love him. He is such an awesome person and we've been through so much together. It's more of a loyalty thing than anything else. I feel like we do have a friendship, it's just that I want that emotional connection between us. I believe my boyfriend should be my best friend and I want to be able to look at him and know what hes thinking or feeling at all costs. Sometimes I feel like I dont know the person that I'm with everyday. I just feel like I've opened up a can of worms in our relationship. I've had relationships before with guys that have been healthy relationships at first, but either I got bored or what not. So I dont really believe this is a men vs. female issue even though, that is what my boyfriend blamed it on. I just believe that some people are willing to talk about their feelings more than others, and these are the people that have more pleasure in their lives because they are not so bottled up and constricted. Janes, could you give me some tips on books to read? I'm very interested in this topic now.

February 25, 2000
5:28 pm
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Neelie
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Sometimes you just have to let men be men. They (most) don't like to share feelings. It makes them vulnerable. If my boyfriend wants to eat cold fries, so be it. I wouldn't. As long as he respects your decisions to be assertive what the heck. Life is too short. Pick your battles....

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