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Melancholy
October 3, 2003
2:32 pm
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unhappy camper
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I went to the first class of my support group for abuse last night. We spent the night reading the legal ramifications and rules and setting guidelines etc. I didn't realize that when you speak to a therapist the notes can be subpoena'd in court if needed.

We listed goals too. One woman said "not have pity for the abuser any more".

That, of course, filled me with pity for my hubby. Oh no...I'm not backtracking here. He is out of my life. But I do remember how much he made himself suffer. It was pitifull. It made me want to hold him and protect him but that didn't help.

The good and the bad and the ugly....all in all the overall effect of him on me is that I (or anyone else) can't live with him.

He told me "I always end up alone".

It is a pity!! I'm not be sarcastic.

I feel melancholy about it. I won't change my mind. But like us ALL here....if only....if only....

But if they weren't mentally disturbed as badly as they are, they would be different people entirely. They wouldn't have been the ones who pulled at our heartstrings.

And the ones who smashed us and made us pay for everything.

I have room in my heart for pity for him.

But I have room in my heart for pity for me too.

And my children.

And his children.

He is hurting a lot of people including himself.

They say it would take 10 years of therapy for him to make a change. He would not do that.

I hope he won't go on a binge and die.

Arghhhh.....I need him out of my head now. It's too painful.

October 3, 2003
2:36 pm
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Anonymous
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I sometimes feel pity for my parents and siblings too, for the fact that they'll have to live the rest of their lives without me. It's like a sister / daughter died. I feel the melancholy of relationships broken by broken people who break people. I know what you're talking about.

October 3, 2003
4:42 pm
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Molly
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Melancholy is a choice, that is where I am, I go there once and a while and then think how does it serve me ? Its like living in the past, and recognizing that I have absolutely no controll over others only me, so ... I flip a switch. Some how I got that no one cares about me, but me as much as I do, and if I care about me, I best do a thing or two for me. We can't effect the past, only our future, and learn from the past, and let it remind us of today. If your in the present, and planning for the future, where does melancholy have a place ?????

October 3, 2003
4:45 pm
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bel
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Don't think about yesterday because its already gone.

Don't think about the future because it's not here yet.

Think about today because it's now the present.........and your living it.

October 3, 2003
5:21 pm
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Ladeska
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Melancholy and "if only"...ah yes....know the place well. I don't go there much anymore because people make choices. We all do. And it's not my business to mourn their life and the choices they have made just because I can look at them and wish differently. They need to mourn their choices and the ramifications to them and those they touch.

If you can brood to yourself for a time and have that mourning period, then that's fine. I think it's part of the whole purging process. You have to do that, otherwise we'd be heartless people. But it's a real tricky place because you are vulnerable when you're in that spot. Vulnerable to your own thought and to those people who hurt you the most or others like them - coming back in and grabbing for just "one more dance" around the May pole.

What I'm not responsible for, especially when others have hurt me with little regard for that hurt and their actions - then I'd really rather them feel these things and not me. And if they don't or they can't - then I need to get as far away from them as possible and count my blessings I'm not still within reach because some drowning people - will pull you under no matter what.

And yes, that's sad........but when time after time after time - a lifeline is thrown to them and they keep pushing it back and/or blaming you because they fell in the water in the first place.....I just have a real quick switch in side these days that says - Okay then - go ahead and drown. It's your choice, isn't it?

Ruthless, cold? Not really. I'd call it self-preservation and reality based thinking. Sure, it's a waste of a life but I'd really rather give whatever I have to give - to people who may be down and out for a time but they have a track record for learning from their mistakes, people who have a conscience and who go about protecting it and who continue to work on themselves and not go through life with a sign of "Entitlement" around their necks.

As long as someone wants to do the work and is just honest with themselves and will really try and grow - I have no problem feeling for them, striving with them or whatever. But when all I hear is excuses and flaming arrows at me and anyone else that doesn't "do" for them and all they do is wallow around in their shit.....um, I'm not going to feel real sorry for them - for very long at all. If that makes me a bad little girl, then oh well, move over Linda Blair, ya got competition! (smile)

I'm wayyyyy past the point of feeling bad because.......I don't have this bleeding heart for people who use others and abuse them and YET, they have soooo much potential!!! Hey, give me someone with a quarter of that potential, who has a conscience, who is willing to work by the sweat of their brow on half the strength and talent and I'll give them 100% from me. Screw the other people. Alot of so-called genuises in life do nothing but hurt other people and squander their own intelligence and talents.

THEY are responsible for their own demise. Give me five minutes for melancholy and then - I'm right over it.

October 4, 2003
12:34 pm
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unhappy camper
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These last few days since my meeting have been awful. Someone there said "pity for the abuser" and that planted the seed.

Now I am overcome with feelings for my husband and I don't want to live the rest of my life without him.

But I can't live with him. I am waiting for a call from a psychiastrist saying "your husband is fixed and you can pick him up at the front desk now".

It's so sad. I know he is crying too. We love each other.

What can I do? Just keep suffering forever. I don't want to push ahead with the divorce. I want to keep him chained to me.

I am so mixed up. He can't come back as he is. I won't accept that.

But I keep waiting for him to get better and come to me.

I love him so much.

I know, I know...."what do I love?".

I keep asking myself that and don't have an answer.

I just don't know. I makes my brain ache.

October 4, 2003
1:08 pm
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Anonymous
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"I am waiting for a call from a psychiastrist saying "your husband is fixed and you can pick him up at the front desk now". "

Wow, that was a powerful way to express your feeling ! I loved it !!

Since I've been there myself, I'll tell you how I got out. My thoughts and feelings were not in synch (thought it was unhealthy, felt like being with him anyway) and this is what caused the pain: the lack of synch inside me. I had to do a lot of therapy to uncover the underlying, hidden, twisted thoughts I had acquired in childhood about what love is - these thoughts were fueling the feelings that were not in synch with my self-protective thoughts and which made me remain loving of someone who was harming me. Today I have reached that long sought-for healing stage where someone who harms me is someone I don't feel attracted to. I never thought I could reach such a state. Yay !!

October 4, 2003
2:39 pm
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unhappy camper
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"where someone who harms me is someone I don't feel attracted to"

Yes, I can do that with new men. I just told one man to get lost because he was trying to call all the shots and we have only spoken on the phone and internet so far. We were to meet next weekend but I told him no thanks.

The one good thing about this weekend is that I don't have anxiety. I am calm but sad.

I enjoyed your post very much mafi. I see there is hope to find a way to overcome this. I am very happy for you. Way to go!

October 4, 2003
5:14 pm
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Molly
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How about ever heard you can't change the stripes on a zebra, you can paint him, but he is still a zebra. So many of us have encountered those individuals in our lives that we saw the best in, and got to experience some of it, and wanting that " Beam him up Scotty machine", that would send them back completely the way WE wanted them, now I let go. I realize that negative emotions age me, and make me ill, they change my chemistry, and I am getting to the age where I don't have time for that, nor do I repair well, or as fast as I used to.
You never really get over missing the good parts of a relationship, we will always hunger for that simplicity,but what about all those other times????? Most of the time I regret, resist, and regret the amount of energy it takes to open my self to tomorrow, and the possibilities that might become available, sometimes I go yea that is living, sometimes I say damn him, but then there is tomorrow, and I smile, realizing that it will be safe from that pain that I ran from. There is always a cost, one way or another, its all about choice.

October 4, 2003
7:16 pm
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jenni from the block
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UC, I get you completely. I hear your pain and understand it, but your posts also make me laugh sometimes..Like you, I have dreamed and schemed of all kinds of crazy ways of fixing my partner...Lets see, there has been keeping him in a bubble, chaining him to the toilet, brain transplants....I think you and I both know the truth, that there is no fixing our chronically mixed up partners, and our dream ,of what could be...is just that, a dream. Tonight my partner packed his bags and left (how's that for irony) and I have been slipping in and out of panick and crisis for the past couple of hours. Right now, I am in a good space. I looked back on a journal I started almost exactly one year ago. It made realize the progress that I have made, at the same time, it made me realize that my partner has made no progress. His behaviours are pretty much the same...They will not change UC..Only we can. You have already survived 7 weeks without him, you can do it. You are alive, and healthy and surviving. Stay that way. You, we, can do this. Hang in there.

October 4, 2003
7:28 pm
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Anonymous
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Brain transplant...LOL

How come noone is spamming the internet with 'brain enlargement' emails?

October 4, 2003
7:33 pm
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jenni from the block
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For those of us that are computer challenged and new to the internet/posting game, what the heck does LOL mean???????????????????

October 4, 2003
7:56 pm
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unhappy camper
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jenni??? are you ok?

Do you have family you can stay with or friends or are you ok on your own?

I suppose he is doing you a favour. The question is: how will HE survive? Is he ok without someone to use and take advantage of? Or will he come back for more?

LOL = Laughing out loud

Here are some more:

http://www.netlingo.com/emailsh.cfm

October 4, 2003
8:22 pm
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jenni from the block
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No UC, I am not okay. I feel like I am drowning right now. I have absolutely no one stay with, because I have kept my partners addiction and my personal struggles a secret. Hard to believe, but it's true. I've invested equal amounts of energy into trying to save my partner and trying to protect my secret.

Long story, but I grew up in a very conservative family. On the outside, we were "happy, middle class, healthy" but on the inside, we were a mess. There was no abuse or alcoholism in my family, but there were many of the same dynamics. My mother was a control freak and never accepted me for who I was. She had a rigid set of beliefs and expectations about how one should live their life..simply put..she expected me to be perfect. I grew up learning how to smile and act perfect, even if I was a mess inside. My mother would never understand that my partner is an addict. You see, people in "our class" don't associate with addicts...sigh...and on it goes.

I am used to being alone, that's just what I do. It's strange because I feel so lonely, but at the same time, the thought of being around people, causes me great anxiety.

My partner will likely come around when the money runs out and the high wears off. But its hard to say, because despite our 20 yr. stormy relationship, neither of us has ever packed a bag and left. This is new and terrifying. He might be gone for good, but I suspect he will come back..As the Fred Penner song goes..

The cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back
We thought he was a goner
but the cat came back, he just couldn't stay away....

Okay, sorry for that, clearly my current crisis state is making me delusional....

God help me..

October 5, 2003
4:58 am
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Ladeska
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I guess my question is.........are you ready for this to continue for another 20 years or are you ready to take care of "you"?

October 5, 2003
10:45 am
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unhappy camper
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I vote for Jenni. You partner is not worth it any more. He is in love with his drugs. What can you find to love about him as he is now? Love yourself, jenni from the block. We love you. Vote for yourself.

There is a whole life waiting for you out there....pleasures, companionship, adventures, fun, games, cozy times, walks in the woods, dancing, romance....

Yes, romance it waiting for you. With a healthy loving man. He is waiting for you.

Don't waste your life in misery for someone who doesn't appreciate or even realize what you are doing for him. His instincts tell him to return home to be sheltered and fed, but his mind and heart don't register you as a person with feelings and needs. He is blind to you.

Vote for you.

October 5, 2003
11:20 am
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mj
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Hey UC....So glad that you are voting for your self today 🙂
I think they meant pity him, but still take care of yourself.

Sometimes change makes things worse before they get better...but I see you having spurts of Happiness now and again....Keep up the good work. Keep going back to your meetings.

They get easier, the more you go.

October 6, 2003
12:07 am
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Molly
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Its hard damn hard, the shame, guilt, shame, and loss.... The fear of change, of being wrong, of demanding that line be drawn, and having the balls to draw it, and knowing its cost. Addiction is the one game where every one looses, except the employees of the rehab, and they have their costs as well. I believe that crack, cocaine, and meth, crystal, are the worst of addictions. Clearly it takes over, and is so hard to effect, clearly he is choosing drug over you, which doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, or want you, its all about the drug now, and at any cost. He really can't help him self, and will continue for a long while, who knows where the bottom is , or how many relapses are in his future. You have no controll over this, and your future as long as you stay connected. Old rules, mores, traditon, don't work in this game. You are the sober one drowning in a sea of love, history, familiarity with some one that is effected beyond normal circumstances, emotionally, physically, chemically, spiritually, every which way you can imagine. If you don't grab on to a life line he will drag you to his hell, and beyond. Its about choice, he made one, and you need to make one for you.

October 7, 2003
7:44 am
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jenni, i can identify with you trying to keep his addictions a secret. i did that too...i thought the worst thing in the world would be for my family to find out i was married to an alcoholic. my parents botth died without ever finding out, thank god, but i have since told my brother and my friends all know now. it just got to be too exhausting trying to hide it from everyone. you will be better off without him. just wish i could get to the point to tell mine to go.

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