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me
November 7, 2001
5:13 pm
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hom
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Hello, this is my first time doing something like this ever. But here it goes I am 20 years old, i have a 5 year old.. ( yes I did have her when i was really young )and I am pregnant. Don't get me wrong I am the happiest pregnant person ( that's not my problem) I love my daugther and my unborn boy. But my problem started with my "husband". We are not legally married, but in our familly when a person lives with another person for so long, nad have kids together they are consider married. He is the father of both my children and i do love him. But he is my biggest problem.
I leave my house at 8am to take my child to school to then leave to work 9-5pm from their i go to school and from school, if my husband is working overtime To pick up my dauther at my mother in law"s house, to then finally go home. And this is what a day is for me. But not only do I have to woory about myself and my child and everthing else at home i also have to woory about my husband .

OK..... I finally get him too go to counseling ( for a drug abuse problem that he has ) and I find out that he is still doing it.
I just want to also add that because of this and other problems i moveed out a ccuple of months ago...

I want to stop here by saying that i am lost, hurt, and pist off that i rfeally don't know what to do!!!

Hom Please someone help!!

November 7, 2001
5:18 pm
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hom
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November 7, 2001
5:29 pm
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Ladeska
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No. 1 - he is responsible for his own life and you are responsible for yours and for the welfare of your children, unborn or otherwise.

You are enabling him to be the way he is by allowing it. I'd give him an ultimatum - either get help or get lost. Sound harsh? It isn't. What's harsh is living the next 20 or 30 years of your life with a child that wants to play and be a little boy when he should be being a father and a husband in every sense of the word.

So, if you don't lay the law down to him and mean it and do what it takes to back that up - then you are no better than he is by allowing it. Your basically helping go down this road.

Not a time to sit and spin and think of sweet nice things you can do for him so he will love you more and maybe change, blah, blah, blah...

Um - No.

He's a big boy. He knew how to get you pregnant and he knew that he'd be in the position of father and husband, so freaking act like it dude or hit the dusty trail - would be my attitude.

You aren't there in his life to be his mommie. Your hands are quite full with that now. Stop feeling like this is "your problem". It isn't - it's HIS. And his choices to do whatever are majorly affecting your life and your children's life. Not okay.

If he doesn't want the responsibility - then you need to be ready to take whatever action or changes in order to take care of these kids on your own. It's either that - or he pull himself up by his bootstraps. I would not settle for in between and if you do - just know that life will be miserable for you here on out.

I won't paint a pretty picture for you because I'm tired of seeing women not stand up for themselves. It's time we were decisive and grew some balls. Men need to be men and we women need to stop wet nursing them.
That's what's wrong with this country - there are no fathers in this world. Hey, an absent bad father is better than a present bad one.

Take action.

November 7, 2001
5:34 pm
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Ladeska
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Sorry....missed the part that said - you had left. You go, girlfriend and stay gone until he proves himself.....for the long haul. Believe me - addicts can fool you for a few months. See it all the time. A year - is a good round number.

Beware of the con artist in him...No, no, I'm not using, baby, I love you, miss you taking care of me, etc., etc.

Be a smart girl.

November 7, 2001
6:04 pm
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Ladeska
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Amen and amen, sister. The straight poop as it really - Is.

November 7, 2001
6:11 pm
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pam g fu
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hom

listen to what they say, drug dependents tell you what you want to hear and do what they want to do and if they can't do it around you they will find others to do it with and lie about where they were or what happened. I have a husband who is that way and has been that way his mom said since he was 16 and he is now 35 and he has more excuses than I can count. It is a sickness, a very serious one, and you can't help them unless they want it. My husband is the sweetes person also when he isn't high, but otherwise he is a real jerk and cares for nothing but the high that is all that matters and he will get it no matter. The only time my husband was clean was when he was in the restitution center and he had no choice he was clean for 6 months but it only took one month for him to find another connection and start again. Listen to the ladies. It won't change you have to.

November 8, 2001
11:05 am
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Ladeska
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Blondie - Hey Chickie!

November 8, 2001
11:50 am
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pam g fu
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BlondieNYC

Please do keep him in your prayers.

November 9, 2001
12:01 pm
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pam g fu
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BlondieNYC

I am proud of you for kicking it i just wish i could make my husband do that. He will find a reason any reason to get high and it simply makes my life miserable and then I am the villan because i am fussing. Last night he went to a wake a friend of ours that got killed, and i knew i was in for a long night when he had a bottle of jack daniels, when he drinks he craves the drugs more. Sure thing he didn't come to bed til 4:00 this morning and to say the least i didn't get much sleep for his many interuptions and you just don't talk to him when he gets that way and that is very hard when i am the only one working and i have to get some sleep i told him that it must be nice to sleep all day and party at night while your wife goes to work. I am glad it is Friday.

November 9, 2001
1:52 pm
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Starbaby
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PAM
Just wanted to say that I understand how you must have felt last night. When my ex came home high (or snuck it into the bathroom and did it) he would always wake me up. For what reason, I'm not sure. I certainly couldn't say anything to him...he would jump down my throat. If I tried to sleep, he would continue to wake me up. There were many times when I would go to work on maybe 2 hours of sleep because of it. Its horrible seeing someone that you care about run around the room, checking under the bed and in the closet for who knows what.
I felt so alone dealing with it. Its nice to know that other people out there understand.
I wish you the best...

November 9, 2001
3:19 pm
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pam g fu
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Starbaby:

Yes it is hard to deal with, the hardest part is generally he wants me to be there he doesn't like to be alone and the paranoia is horrible I hate it. I hate to be around him when he is like this i can't stand it it brings out the worst in him. It makes me sick to my stomach And I don’t want anything to do with him. I have gotten to where I don’t even want him by me because I don’t believe he knows how he gets or has to realize how sickening he is, this is not the person I feel in love with. I don’t even care about sex anymore. To me it is not making love anymore it is just sex, this is just how it has become and we use to have an awesome sex life, but it is hard when they are drunk and drugs, he can’t perform at all when he is that way and that is very frustrating it effects everything. You are not alone at all.

Blondie:

I know you are telling me this story for a reason and I await your return. you have been to hell and back and god has a plan for you and you play an important part in alot of peoples lives and you do alot of good from what you have lived through. I also lost two houses and have had a gun put to my head when we were in West Virginia, that is another story i could also tell you some horror tales that was the darkest time in my life and I somehow thought when he almost lost me too that he would never go that way again, but here we are.

November 13, 2001
11:23 am
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hom
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hey, Ladeska, Blondie, and Pam. I want to start by saying thank you for responding to me. I also wanted to say that i think that i am more scared that my children are going to be without a father and i see what you all said about saying that he will do rite and i really dont pay any attention to him any more, when it comes to this . its been two weeks since hes done it and i am starting to feel much better about everything. but there is, "I think a bigger problem", you see he is finally going to get a apartment and i am happy but at the same time i don't know if thats the thing to do I feel that he is going to do this again. i also need to be with someone, i am scared to be in labor and he not be there next to me. So i guees i just want to know if i should move in with him.

P.S> I do think this is a good step, that he is taking ... please let me know you're opinion... again thaks.....

November 13, 2001
12:18 pm
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Molly
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I don't think that two weeks is long enough sober. I don't think its a good idea to give up the security that you have where your at right now. I am sure you have some one else who you can depend on that will be with you in labor. I would suggest that you make two lists one fantasy, the other reality, see which is truth, and which is going to serve you and your children better.

November 13, 2001
4:48 pm
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Ladeska
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Hom....addictive personality of any kind - can always do that "first step". It's just the 5,032nd one that's the problem... If you allow him to charm you like this by him doing minimal effort here - you and I he aren't back where you started - you're below that standard even. He "has to" do this himself. Period. If you go in there with him - then you will never know whether he did it to impress you or for himself. This isn't easy for either of you, but you have to disconnect from what he needs to do and go on with what is healthy - for you and yours. No hand holding here so that you both feel better in your dysfunction.. It's a temptation, but resist it. If you don't - you will be back in the washing machine only worse this time.

November 14, 2001
2:05 pm
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hom
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i was thinking about the same thing but was not sure whether or not to get the apartment i guess i can give it some more time . thank you

November 15, 2001
4:44 pm
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Honeymajig
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hom,

Please hear me... I really do feel for you, BUT...
please do not use the excuse of not wanting to hurt your children. I really feel for your situation, and it is one that no person should ever be placed in. BUT...your children can recognise something is wrong. I speak from experience. I was a child in an abusive environment. My mum's b/friend beat her up and I witnessed and felt threatened by this. I have still not told my mum i knew what was going on even though it was 11 years ago. Children have a very special quality about them to sense other peoples emotions and stress levels. The best thing you can try to do is make you and your children safe and happy. Even if this means staying away from him. I remember the guy telling my mum it was her fault, that he was sorry and she went back to him. Do not believe this. It is no ones fault except for his. You have to believe in your own self-worth for yourself and your children. Also believe me when I say that children hear a lot more than adults would like to believe. I listened to my mum and dad fighting when i was 5 or 6 and understood what was going on. Children are smart! Please take care of your self and your little ones 🙂

Becca xx

p.s. I can understand the difficulty of your age...i am only 21. xx

November 19, 2001
3:49 pm
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hom
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hey i see what everyone is saying and i really hate to say that i think i am really going to have to leave for him ! today he calls me and tells me how he does not think he should be going because he believes its all for me and that he does not see the counseling helping him in any way, this really has me mad and for once i told him that we can't be togehter if he doesn't go and i really don't think he is going to go. he really believes that i should just give him a chance.... againg! i relly don't want to give him that chance and i am not even if i am being the bad one!

November 19, 2001
6:26 pm
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Molly
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Sobriety only works when they choose to do it for themselves PERIOD. The will ask, beg, manipulate, pull, tug, demand, cry, plead, get sick, yell, scream, promise, but the numbers are there, the statistics prove, it takes at least two years to work through all the stuff, set up the new behaviors, learn different coping skills, and make a life......... AND, the truth is , its not fun at all to go along with them on the trip.
Your not the bad one for saying no, your the healthy one for drawing the boundry lines. What good is he until he has proven to him self that he can do this. Naturally counseling isn't helping him, he is just doing time, going through the motions, to get where he wants to be. Your doing your self and your child such a good thing. Be strong, seek support, stay firm. Talk is cheap, let him demonstrate.

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