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me again with more dating anxiety
May 21, 2007
11:29 am
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i have an ongoing issue i dont quite know how to deal with. I OBSESS TOO MUCH. Last nite i got the phone number of this girl i had noticed for a few weeks now. i dont know much about her just that she seems like a nice person. well now that i got her number last nite i cant stop thinking about her and what i will say when i call her or should i call tonite or wait 2 days. i even had trouble sleeping last nite because i was so anxious. it is really pathetic. i almost feel like maybe i am too neurotic to even consider dating someone right now. but how do i change this behavior. i cant calm myself down.

May 21, 2007
11:38 am
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StronginHim77
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If you don't mind sharing, may I ask how old you are? I have two sons, 22 and 18. And we have a 24-year-old, boarding with us. All of them have shared similar struggles.

- Ma Strong

May 21, 2007
11:44 am
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atalose
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A good way to change those behaviors is to remind yourself that it's those behaviors that drive people away from you.
It's ok to be a little nervous and to even think or plan your conversation for when you do call. If you are too anxious she will sense that and may back off. Calm yourself by thinking of how you are doing yourself in before you even have a chance. Think of it as she’s a nice girl and someone you may or may not want to get to know better through dating. I think a lot of anxiety comes with thinking too much and thinking too far ahead.
If you got her number today, give her a call tonight.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 21, 2007
12:32 pm
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fantas
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Hopefull32, Let me assure you you are not alone in that regard. I use to obssess over this guy so much so that I couldn't sleep or think. It's physically painful. As I work on myself, I am beginning to understand that I put too much stock on their acceptance of me. My anxiety is often based on my fear of rejection and abandonment. The truth is this, even if the girl you like accepted you this tendency might continue because you will be afraid she might leave you. You have to deal with your fear of abandonment before you enter a relationship. Your insecurites could be very frustrating to a partner. Keep working on it. All the best to you:)

May 21, 2007
12:43 pm
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balancesekr
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hi hopeful,

That is great you got her number. As a woman, I would say don't wait 2 days, my bf called me the next day and I was happy 🙂

Just hang back a bit, maybe don't stay on the phone for 3 hours or something. Have a plan for when you call. Just be yourself.

b

May 21, 2007
12:49 pm
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I am 33 and have dated quite a bit but when it comes to the quality women, I F up. I get ahead of myself. when I think I have calmed myself down I do something impulsive that makes me look like a fool. I think I am going to move real S L O W with her.

May 21, 2007
12:54 pm
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like I have mentioned on this site before the women that have been genuinely interested in didnt return my feelings and conversely the women I didnt much care for would pursue me. so I figured maybe I should treat the women that I like the same way I treat the women I am not interested in. Does that make any sense or am I complicating the issue?

May 21, 2007
1:01 pm
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loverbee
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I am wondering if you do this because you don't have a lot of experience in the dating area. One of my best friends does the same thing. The only thing I can say to calm him down is this... Is obsessing over it making the anxiety go away? Cause if its not, here is what I suggest. Forty minutes. Give yourself forty minutes a day to obsess all you want and then, breathe and let it go for the rest of the day.

May 21, 2007
1:04 pm
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lovinglife
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Hopefull your back!! Relax - take some deep breaths and just savor the moment - you got her number!! First part is done.

Now as far as obsessing ( almost went there myself this morning over a man I'm involved with) get yourself busy during those moments...either physically or mentally...one thing I find of great help when my mind starts going places that will not get me to where I want to be is a good work out . Not only does it take my mind off of whatever thoughts I could have let get out of hand- I feel so damn good afterwards and my head is clearer in my thinking. This morning I woke starting with the 'thoughts', made a choice then worked out, and feeling fine now : ) You can get through those moments.

Glad to see you back (((((Hopefull))))

May 21, 2007
1:07 pm
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fantas
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Hopeful...it's possible you are over thinking it:). Just say hello and see where it leads. And say hello to all who are pleasant to you as well. You may be surprised at what you might learn about those you seem to not be interested in. Just make sure that you make your boundaries and intentions clear with them. I always try to be friends first before I even consider a dating relationship regardless of how attracted I feel to them. I have the tendency to attract emotionally dysfunctional people so I have learned that my instict isn't always right in this regard. I am learning to not take other people's feelings of me matter to me that much. I think that if a guy doesn't want me, it's because he is not the one for me and I leave it at that. It is not personal and often times it's a blessing in disguise...hang in there.

May 21, 2007
8:59 pm
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lonely and addicted
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I am so with you on that anxiety thing. I am exactly the same way and I am sure alot of us are. The man I am dating can see right through my crap and knows what totally drives me insane. I try to relax, loving life talked about a great workout. It works!!!! I went for a 4 mile walk last week because I had myself so worked up my head was just pounding. I talked to no one but my hp, I do that often, recently I was told I deserve so much, don't settle.

Call her, see where it goes but don't let your fear control that action. Fear robs our joy, don't let it win.

May 21, 2007
9:10 pm
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tiedupinknots
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Read Pia Mellody's book called Facing Love Addiction, Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love.

and watch some of Byron Katies youtube work
http://www.thework.com/index.asp

the one on jelousy is awesome
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v....._Tu1xr0-Lo

For me, finding out why I have the anxiety helps, eventually though I have to just let go and let God. Try, try, try and when that doesn't work let go, let go, let go. Be well. Relax. It is all unfolding like it should. 🙂

May 21, 2007
9:23 pm
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Anonymous
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One more vow of sympathy here from a 47-old woman who didnt date until she was out of college! And then more flirting than... But slow is better for us, I think.

There´s this movie with Eddie Murphy where he´s an African prince and doesnt know how to date. He asks an American guy who simply tells him he does it in steps like talks to the girl, gets her ph #, call for a movie or something, then if thing keep going well, he invites her for dinner and keeps taking it from the last step.

the nice thing about this is that you are not in charge, you are not in control and you dont have to be...

Just dont do anything b/c you feel you have to, as said above...

...be yourself!!!

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