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married, unhappy , very confused!!!!! HELP
May 2, 2002
1:58 pm
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vanessa10
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well i'm married with 2 children and very unhappy. Dont know if i want to be married and think i'm in love with someone else.Husband knows and wants to work it out. Dont know if i want it to work out.

May 2, 2002
4:08 pm
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vanessa10
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hi its me..again this is my first time. anybody there? ok well any one wants to talk ill be here

May 2, 2002
5:26 pm
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damaged
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gotta make you happy not husband. How long have you been married? and why aren't you happy with him?

May 2, 2002
5:33 pm
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vanessa10
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have been married for 4 yrs. i dont know why maybe bored. we just had a big huge fight on fri. nite.. i was calling another man he found out he moved out and now hes home. im thinkind i need more time to think..kinda hard with 2 kids one is 3 the other is 18 mo

May 2, 2002
5:36 pm
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vanessa10
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I think maybe i got married to fast. thought i loved him. we were only going out a year got pregnant decided to get married. a year later had another kid. now i stay at home i dont drive(to scared to) so basically i go nuts all day.

May 2, 2002
6:31 pm
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damaged
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I have a very good friend that got married to a man I don't think she ever loved had four kids and now after seventeen years finally got out. The poor kids went through hell in this marriage. If I was home all day I would go nuts to and I don't have a husband. I have to be either on the go or at work. If you are just bored you could get bored with someone else too!!! The grass isn't always greener on the other side. First you need to know in your heart if you are in love are not, and do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man or not.

May 2, 2002
6:56 pm
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vanessa10
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good question.. i dont know whats in my heart. of course i know i will get bored with another person. maybe i am not meant to be with anyone. maybe its me..maybe i need proffesional help. i dont know what to do. Those few days he was gone i was like being alone isnt so bad but then the kids are like where is daddy then i feel bad. im just so messed up.

May 2, 2002
7:17 pm
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nikka
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Hey, Vanessa, I'm in the counseling bidness and it doesn't sound to me as if you need professional help. Altho you might just be a better writer than you are a doer -- so to speak. You sound sane on the face of things. Just like a lot of Americans you thought that growing up meant you were all grown up. Marriage isn't an entertainment -- something one finds exciting, like maybe a date w/ Denzel might be exciting, or a ride on Space mountain or dancing all nite at a rave. -- It seems to me that a lot of American relationships are founded based on passion and ardor. Dear, those cool for everyone. They ahve too. Looks fade (o gawd at 50 I know that's too true) and besides, who wants adrenaline and plain silliness forever? I like to giggle, but the thing that makes the giggle so good is that I don't giggle constantly. -- There are more things to look at in your hubby than you are noticing, at least by what you've written. -- Does he provide well while you stay home? Is he supportive, does he care for the kids, work at home, give you emotional support? -- Is it just the sex that's cooled and are you looking for a jolt? w/ a new lover, that is? -- If so you could be selling yourself and him short. You mention a big fight over another man -- Did hubby hit you, does he screw around? -- Are you just feeling unbeautiful and a bit lonely and want a bit of excitment? If so maybe a vacation w/ just the two of you. Have a grandpa you can drop the kids w/ for a week? A whole set of relatives the kids can visit w/ for a week? -- You and hubby could go camping, on a cruise or just shack up at home or in the local Days Inn, use protection since you don't want to have another baby -- at least not now. -- Our happiness and satisfaction is in ourselves. We often seem to think a new dress or jewelry, a car, drugs or even a new man will somehow give meaning and satisfaction and happiness to us -- again and again we are shown this isn't so, yet, lots of us go back down that path agaijn and again -- insane. Take a bit of time and look deeply into Vanessa. Damaged is right, know your heart, know your head -- if all you want is a jolt, touch a frayed lamp wire or an electric fence. I hope you keep yourself safe and take some time before deciding -- what's a few more months? -- all the best:)

May 2, 2002
7:20 pm
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damaged
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I don't think you need professional help because you enjoyed being alone. The way I see it about the kids, the kids are going to be the happiest were mom is the happiest. If your not happy in this marriage the kids pick up on it. Well you have made a start by talking about it!!!

May 2, 2002
8:21 pm
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vanessa10
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i would like to thank damaged and nikka for your advice. I think it has to do with me and not him. I mean he is a good person the only problem with him was he would take naps everyday and not really help with the kids. And of course we dont do anything alone no movies, no dinners out nothin except go to the bar on sat. nite and drink. Are you sure i dont need prof. help? Maybe im depressed. It has nothin to do with looks or excitement. Well i guess i do feel it in my heart...im not happy. But i guess i owe it to us and the kids to try but at the same time want to be alone. thanks for listening! i appreciate it

May 2, 2002
8:51 pm
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nikka
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I'm pretty sure. We all get depressed. Yours is probably just a natural part of the "bored w/ life" syndrome. Quite common here in America-- because we all are so in thrall to the admen -- hell even the admen believe their own smoke is fire and come yto beg for prozac at the local mission doctor's!!! --- You could have some ppd, post-partum depression. In some cases it goes on for awhile, esp if kids are close enuf and you never recovered (3 yrs min.) after first before second. You could check that out. -- But the truth is that you don't sound psychotic. Your ideas make "normal" sense -- no visits to the 3rd star right of Sirius or journeys to center of the earth yesterday. -- Get any exercise? What do you eat and how often. Spend too much time at Mikki d's? Drink a lot of coffee and coke, tea, very little water? -- Do you believe those Carnival Cruise Line commercials paint a picture of most of our lives? -- Take some time for yourself -- u like to be alone, then be alone. Get to really know Vanessa. After all, if vanessa is going to make your decisions then at least know who you're giving power-of-attorney too! Alright, dear? šŸ™‚ (((hug)))

May 2, 2002
8:52 pm
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damaged
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If you feel like it go to counseling, It did help me for awhile. Depressed sure I bet you are!!! I am learning why and how to deal with it. First of all talk to him. Tell him you want more help with the kids, tell him you want more excitement then the bar on Saturday night. TALK TO HIM!!!

May 2, 2002
9:37 pm
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Molly
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All I want to do is have some fun, and I got a feeling I'm not the only one..... girlfriend, you are bored. You have two children under three, you got a case of is this all there is ? At least you have a computer, and maybe cable. Heck I remember dialing O just to hear another adult person. Another man is not the answer, it sounds good, looks good, and hmmmmmmmmmmm well ya know. Wether that is the road you want to take in the future or not up to you, but I would suggest giving you , and your marriage a try. Divorce sucks, big time, often the first solution, but its like a pandoras box. So, what would you put on your wish list, what dreams can you create or do you have. What is with the fear of driving ???? How about public transportation. So hubby takes naps, does he work at night ? If he is home during the day, sounds like a good time for escape. Check out some courses on line, check out a school in town, check out an art class, heck become the new martha stewart, I know for a fact that Blondie can give you about cat litter. Got a garden, got a park, you need some girlfriends to bitch with, play with, when was the last time you got your nails done ???

So, write and think, and take things slow. I really like to see the families stay together, unless its really bad, and you can't get past it. Get Dr Phils book on Relations, you will get more out of that than 3 counseling sessions, and its a great start before you see a counselor, hell I hear that is what most of the counselors are recommending, ha ha har
I think your ok. I don't care what damaged and nikka said about you. Common, smile.

May 3, 2002
10:12 am
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nikka
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Hey, Vanessa, this counselor does reccommend reading dr phil before seeing a counselor. Also recommend some other reads"peace Is Every Step" Thich Nhat Hahn -- perhaps the best 11.95 I ever spent. Helps with my work too and it has 2 sequels!! same price for the sequels. -- I'm w/ Molly, save the marriage unless you are living in someone else's hell -- beatings, physical/mental feel the kids are in danger of abuse. Avoid the divorce, boredom is a terrible reason for divorce. -- But don't make counselor the first option anymore than I would suggest taking divorce as your first option. -- Slowing down is always good advice -- too fast to see what's there if we aren't careful. Good luck and goddess go w/ you, dear.

May 3, 2002
6:00 pm
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vanessa10
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thank you everyone for their input. i have decided to give my marriage a second chance.going out to dinner tonite just the two of us. but as for the other man i cant stop thinking about him. guess i will have to try. love to everyone and thanks again so very much nikka, damaged, and molly

May 3, 2002
8:45 pm
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Molly
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Damn, the grass always looks greener on the neighbors lawn, but its the same damn grass, or it has more weeds in it that makes it look greener.

May 3, 2002
10:24 pm
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nikka
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Vanessa, thinking, as in the passing fancy, admiration, ain't the problem. The obsession is. -- Good luck on chance two, if it's like my marriage it'll take a few more to keep it going. But, hopefully, you'll only need two. Good luck and enjoy the evening out. šŸ™‚

May 6, 2002
12:29 pm
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vanessa10
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Well we never went out to eat. I dont know what happened. All i know is that he is home and i still feel unhappy. What is wrong with me....have this great guy but i seem to have no feelings for him what the fuck do i do. We just had a big fight last nite at like 11:00 p.m. He's wondering why i am still being cold told him for some reason i still feel unhappy. He asked me "Do you even want me here?" I said i dont know. Then he starts calling me a piece of shit and how could i be so cold to him. I dont know whats going to happen i will find out when he gets home today.

May 6, 2002
12:36 pm
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Molly
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Go get the book Relational Rescue by Phil Mc Graw, its not a cure all, but its one damn good start. You can check out some of the concepts on Oprah.com, but really, try the book. Look at you, not him.

May 6, 2002
1:42 pm
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vanessa10
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thank you molly i will get that book. I just feel very sad and i dont want to break his heart or ruin my kids lives.

May 6, 2002
1:58 pm
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Molly
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I hear you, then you controll what you can, and that is you. There are lots of books out that show you how to be greatful for the little things, its easy to look at the glass half empty, especially when we women feel loveless. But its just as easy to look at the glass half full, just takes some more practice. Thoughts are things, and think good thoughts, helps. Make a list of all the great things your hubby has done for you, all the reasons you love him, give it to him tonight when he drags his tired sorry butt home, and sits infront of the mac and cheese tonight, don't forget to do your hair, and put on some fresh lipstick for him. Sometimes we have to work at being positive, and take for granted our energy, and how others respond to it. Play your favorite music, sing a little, it really does help.

May 6, 2002
6:49 pm
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vanessa10
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well he wants to talk to me tonite. i dont know what to tell him...go or stay.

May 6, 2002
7:46 pm
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nikka
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why must you decide tonight, take some time, everything takes time if it's to be done properly. Even break-ups. All the best, Vanessa

May 6, 2002
7:57 pm
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Molly
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Just listen, you don't have to say anything. I confess I did learn that from a man. but its true, I hear you, nod your head,look him in his eyes, nod some more, then say I hear you again, try to keep your emotions in check, they are reactions, and don't drink.

May 6, 2002
10:45 pm
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vanessa10
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So we are getting seperated. Apparently my husband talked to the other man and the other man told him that we have feelings for each other. I know i did a terrible thing going with this other guy. I didnt tell my husband because i didnt want to destoy him. So he has moved in with his parents who live right down the block. Yes weve known each other practicaly our whole lives. Well i wanted to be alone and i got exactly what i wanted. Did you ever hear that saying "Becareful what you wish for." Well know i hope i didnt throw away the best man in my life. Are you sure i dont need therapy? Well gunna try to get some sleep Bye

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