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Married to Peter Pan
May 17, 2006
10:49 am
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I know I have numerous threads discussing my husband's problems with infidelity,narcissism,and even chauvinism.But I feel like I have to get this frustration out about what I feel made him this way.It is a long sad story,but I just want to get it out.
"Joe",as I will call him,started out life with a father who was in the army.His father was shipped away to another post out of state when Joe was barely 3 weeks old.Joe was born with asthma,and to a mother who is verified today as being bi-polar.She already had Joe's sister,who was 19 months at this point.His mother was barely 21 years old,and could not take her prescribed meds to treat her disorder while pregnant.His dad,who I will call Joseph,left town for the army,and never called his wife to check on Joe and his sister,not even once.His mother had no money and could not get anyone army wise to help her find her husband so she could even feed these kids.She borrowed bus fare from her family and took her 2 very small kids across the country to see if Joseph's family could or would help with the children.Joseph's mother agreed the minute she laid eyes on those kids she would beg,borrow and steal to have those kids live with them and help.The grandmother then sent little Joe's mother home to retrieve their belongings so they three of them, could stay with them.When Joe's mother returned a few days later with her stuff,she was served with a restraining order and custody papers turning them over to their father and grandparents.Joe's mother was sent back across the country,alone,to fight long distance for the return of her now what seems to me,abducted,children.Joseph filed for divorce from Joe's mother,and she was declared incompetent to care for her children,and Joseph was granted full custody.Just before Joe's first birthday,Joseph was remarried to a woman he'd met while stationed in his new post,I'll call her Jane.Jane had a 5 year old son from a previous relationship,John,and Joseph was open to Jane about how he had 2 young children from his former marriage.Joseph and Jane at this point had to fight Joseph's parents for Joe and his sister,Jackie,to come live with them.They got Joe and Jackie and settled in for what was supposed to be a long and illustrious life togther with the 3 kids.Joseph and Jane went on to have 2 more kids of their own,Jake and Joann.They were a big family,and no one knew none the wiser of what was to come.Joe and his brothers endured secret sexual and physical abuse from Joseph.Jackie also recieved the bad end of Joseph on more than one occasion as well.For some reason,Joann was never abused this way,probably due to her young age,no one will ever know.The boys would lie to Jane about the bruises and black eyes,claiming they fought with each other,or Jane even thought boys will be boys.It wasn't until after Joseph called her from a tour of duty nearly 9 years into their marriage that he was once again,leaving his wife and children.This time,he gave full custody of Joe and Jackie to Jane,as well as their children from their marriage.Jane packed up her 5 kids and went home to her family,never looking back on Joseph.So just within the first 10 years of his life,Joe was a pawn in 3 vicious custody battles.This was the beginning of the end.

May 17, 2006
1:34 pm
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Even after Joseph was gone,Joe's physical abuse continued,this time at the hands of the big brother he idolized,John.John was 15 when Joe was 10,and he decided he was gonna be the man of the house in his father's permanent absence.He even at one point later on broke Joe's arm for eating a cupcake out of a box John had purchased for himself.Joe's mother,Jane,was raising 5 kids by herself,with little financial help,and had no formal education.She went back to school and got a college degree and got a job in a bank.The 5 kids were forced,not by their mother's choice,to fend for themselves.They ate,slept,and went to school whenever they felt like it and had little to no supervision.Joe lived this way from the age of 10 to 15,when the first episode of Joe's behavior erupted.Joe decided at 15,even though before he had always been the calm,to himself kinda kid,that he wasn't gonna take John's crap anymore.A fistfight ensued,and Jane tried to get in the middle to break up her 2 teenage sons from fighting.Jane nearly gt injured by Joe in the fight,and when John saw this,he gave Joe the beating of his life,and convinced Jane that Joe started the episode.Jane sent her 15 year old son across the country to go back to his father,Joseph,who at that point had not even spoken to his own kids in 5 years.Knowing what she knew about what Joseph had done to the children earlier,she still sent Joe away,believing her biological son's preposterous story of Joe being violent and aggressive behind her back and that he was the troublemaker all along.JOe rode a bus to his father's home 2000 miles away from the only mother he ever knew,to his father...the man who beat him and abused him every chance he got.Joe even thought,"now that I am older and can defend myself a little better,maybe this won't be so bad"....he was dead wrong.Joseph beat him,controlled him in ways he had never experienced before and doing the only thing he knew,disciplined Joe like a soldier,not a kid.A year later,Joe was able to return home to his mother,John had joined the military himself,and was no longer living at home.Joe spent the entire summer after his return at a retreat for troubled kids who were behind in school,and to get them 2 credits toward graduation.In September,he started school at a new high school he had never attended before.In his English class,he met a girl trying to start a fresh new life at a new school too.This girl was me.

May 17, 2006
2:23 pm
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Joe and I had what I believed at the beginning to be a teenage love story for the ages.I had issues I had brought to my new school with me,and Joe was going to be my new beginning of a new life.I had the issues of being the odd kid out.From the day I started Kindergarten,I was picked on for a multitude of things about myself,mostly my appearance.I am a red haired person,who is pale and freckled,and have always been thin.Sometimes too thin.To top this all off,I wore thick glasses to straighten an uncorrectable problem with my eye,it is pointing at my nose.After a summer of hanging out with my older sister,who was a knockout,and learning how to apply makeup,wear nicer clothes,and a pair of contact lenses,I was ready for Joe.When we first started seeing one another,I had no idea of the reputation that proceeded him.I was approached by at least a dozen girls within the first week telling me he was by today's terms "a player".He got what he wanted out of these girls at this summer retreat,and some he met thru his mother's church and his in his neighborhood.We lived several miles apart,so I had no idea.I chose to mark their warnings as jealousy,and wanted to get know Joe on my own terms.This is probably when the blind eye crap started.Joe was WONDERFUL.He had that rebel without a clue thing going..LOL...he had light brown flowing feathered hair,beautiful dark eyes,and almost resembled that old actor,River Phoenix,to me.He was also what I never was before,a part of the "in" crowd,so I took to him like white on rice.This is also when I realized it was gonna be my mission in life to be his one and only,which is what he asked me to be.4 years of dating,breaking up,crying,and happiness on and off ensued.Sounds like everyone else's relationships,doesn't it?In the 4 years of dating him,he cheated with 4 different girls.He had a one night stand with a cheerleader 2 months in to the relationship,blew that off as just that,a one night stand.A former girlfriend of one of his friends about 18 months into the relationship,blew her off as the pass around slut she was(she slept with every single boy in this social circle),a few months after that,he cheated with a friend of his sister's who had a crush on him,and propositioned him during one of our many fights,then finally,and this one he won't admit to,a girl who visited the guy upstairs from us when we moved into an apartment with a bunch of friends after we graduated.My 3 friends that I lived with were all home with him when I needed to go to work,and then stayed over at my parents house after because we had had another argument.He got drunk with the dude upstairs,and from what I was told,woke my 3 friends in the middle of the night.They went out to see what was going on,and saw him with the girl from upstairs in the kitchen.They were drunk,giggling,and having the time of their life,oblivious to the fact they had company.He still to this day,swears that those 3 friends were liars and that he does not remember this girl or doing anything with her for that matter.And here's the hilarious part,I believed him then,and 7 months later,I MARRIED PETER PAN.

May 17, 2006
3:07 pm
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2 weeks after we married,I discovered I was pregnant.I was happy beyond my wildest dreams.He and I both had jobs,and our own apartment,and were gonna have the American dream,a family.Or so I thought.I no sooner got out the words "I'm pregnant" when he started stewing.He didn't seem as happy as I was.He was mad rather than happy.I prepared for this baby with or without his help,for the first 5 months of this pregnancy.He wouldn't even discuss baby names with me,pick out clothes or furniture,or do any of the other things a new dad would do.He worked,came home,went to bed,and occasionally socialized with only approved members of his or my family.There was NEVER anyone not related in our home.As he saw it,all the other friends we had before that were not related were conspirators to lie to me and break us up.This is still how this is.I have 1 friend who is not related,and he hates her.He makes fun of her behind her back,and her and I only speak or hang out when he is not around.She feels the same about him.My daughter was born later that year,and he was present at the birth.After my ultrasound,he seemed to lighten up and was slightly(and I mean slightly) more participative.She was our only child for 4 years.We ate,worked,and did everything for her.And because everything seemed to be going so well for 4 years,I asked him to have another baby,thinking he was a grown,mature man who could and would be open to this,and we could be even happier.Our second daughter was born,and everything was smooth as silk.Unitl my second daughter was 8 months old that is..
I had given the friend who's not related thing a try again,and I had a GF who had a son that was my baby's age.I brought her or invited her and her son over for playdates,and things seemed cool for quite some time.My friend started confessing to me that she had been unhappy with her husband and was going outside their marriage for sex and companionship.I thought,"that's her,not me,who am I to judge?"I wasn't one to judge until that fateful New Year's Eve,when she decided right there in front of everyone in my home for a party,that she was gonna try to have MY husband to be her next conquest.She blatantly hit on him and hung all over him like a dog in heat that night,and he pushed her away on several occasions.I ended up asking her to leave,and that is when she came to me with stories of how they were having an "emotional" affair,and that because I am such a stick in the mud,and won't share him with her,that he was gonna throw me and my kids out and move her and her son in.I WAS MORTIFIED!!She never returned physically,but phoned every couple days for about a month after that,speaking only to him,and him telling her that none of what she said or thought was true.She eventually divorced her husband and remarried one of the other men she cheated on her husband with last I heard.Haven't seen her or heard from her since,but with Joe's history,who knows what really happened.I blew her off and quit listening,but she may have been telling the truth.Then when my baby was 16 months,a new girl came in to my life.I had taken my children on vacation to go a family reunion and was gone for about 2 weeks.When we returned,that very same day,the phone rang.He went into the other room to talk,figuring the noise of the children was what he was avoiding,and came back about 20 minutes later.He said it was a friend of his brother-in-law's that they worked with calling about the upcoming company picnic at work.3 days later,I was online to check my email.His email opened up instead of mine.And there it was."Hey Baby,can't wait to see you AGAIN...call me".I was devastated.It turns out the phone call was her,and he had gone 60 miles away to meet this girl personally after meeting her in a chat room while I was away.He had lied to her about everything about himself except for his age and name.He said he was single,and had no children.Well,of course,I called that number immediately to set her straight.And here's the part that always has baffled me,SHE DIDN'T CARE.She had never met me or seen me,and yet she told me that once again,if I wasn't such a prude and a stick in the mud,forcing him to be monogamous,then he wouldn't have come to her.She insulted me up one side and down the other,and said that this was gonna be a case of only the strong survive.Either he was gonna stay with me,or go to her.I don't know why,but he stayed and told me she was crazy,and that she was designated to be a hook up with the guy from work I mentioned earlier.And discovering that she was yet another pass around slut(she had a habit of hooking up with the men from that chat room),just topped it off for me.We got rid of our computer that day,and he promised me that there was never gonna be another day that I would doubt his love or fidelity.It is 5 years later,and I still do.

May 18, 2006
12:53 am
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The computer I am writing this story on was supposed to have been a gift.After 5 years of not having one,I got one for a birthday/anniversary/valentine's gift.I am a HUGE history buff,and this was supposed help me my research.Well,other than I finally have an outlet for my frustrations and pain thru this site,I have enjoyed hours of research.This computer I am afraid will eventually be the death of me.I enjoy using it for proper and decent things,my daughters enjoy games and cartoons and such,but HIM.He even sees a computer it seems he goes damn brain dead on me.Why can't my husband,who is hard worker,a gifted artist,and a nice guy when he wants to be,just handing me drop dead dealbreakers all the time?He is not a little boy anymore,he has 2 daughters to think of now when he's looking at someone else's daughter on this damn thing.That's what I just don't understand I guess...those 18 to 30 year old women are someone's daughter,someone's mother....and they waste their lives taking pictures and videos of their most intimate moments for the whole world to gawk at.And to top it off,they just have to plain gross about it,that's what really steams me.Honestly folks,do some women really enjoy their exploitation and half the things they do...feeling no romantic feelings,no attachment,and from way it looks,no pain?They get paid to pretend to enjoy that smut,and I guess I just feel now that no man and no amount of money is worth that much.P.O'd is not for sale.

May 18, 2006
1:50 am
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awall
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I hope you don't mind me recommending a book, but I love to read and "Bad Childhood, Good Life" was one of the best books ever written as far as I'm concerned.
I know you and your husband would greatly benefit from it.
Good Luck and Keep Your Chin Up!

May 18, 2006
8:23 am
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reachingout
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Dear P.O'd
I have been down a simular road and I only wish for your happiness that you would let peter pan fly away 4 times is just a drop in the bucket compared to my husbands cheating count and 4 probably isn't all in yours please get some help and move on.You can make it.Always here to chat

May 18, 2006
8:44 am
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I ditto all this POD. You are going to make it. If I can make it through so can you. Hold you head high and proud and believe in yourself that you will come through and you will come out a stronger woman. I learned a very hard lesson myself. No man is worth all this pain. Your life will get better if you let it.

May 18, 2006
12:56 pm
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Thank you guys for reading and answering me.I was afraid no one cared about my story.I love my husband,but I have tired of being the hostess of his pity party.He seems lately like he's kissing my butt because he sees that I am changing...i.e;sticking up for myself,not doing all the crap I usually do,etc...I think he knows that he can no longer treat me this way and stay in this marriage.I am sticking to my guns for the first time in 15 years,and it feels damn good!

May 18, 2006
1:16 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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P.O'd:

Just do me a favor. You know that your mother and I are standing behind you. You can make it on your own. You are a good person. Those two girls deserve better. Yes they love their dad, but damn it, they will marry someone just like him if you don't move on. Is that what you want? Sure, he is trying to prove that he can change, but how many times has that happened. You have heard all of the promises so many times. The people on this thread have been reading your life for two weeks, I have seen your heartache for 15 years. It is time to move on. LET HIM GO. I have told you that before. I know that you love him and that is great, but he cares about him, and he has proved that over and over. You are better than that. I have always tried to let go of what he has done to you, but I am tired of watching him destroy you one step at a time. Yes, you are coming out of that shell that you have been trapped in for so long. But he isn't going to change because of you. He is going to fight that much harder. Move on. Better your life, and the girls. He is a big boy, he can take care of himself. Quit hoping that he will change. He hasn't had the help that he needs, and won't admit that he has a problem to do so. Please stop hurting yourself. You have family. Your dad will get over it, especially if he sees it change you. You deserve better. Move forward, not backwards. And for Gods sake, quit standing still. Your mom is willing to come pack you up and help you, Go, Go while you can. While you still have peace. I love you, and I am behind you.

Scared

May 18, 2006
1:18 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I will send you virtual hug too. I know you well enough to know that you are not afraid of a hug from another woman. However, stop causing virtual fist fights like I told you this morning on the phone. Virtually, you could get torn apart around here. :0)

Scared

May 18, 2006
1:34 pm
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reachingout
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PO'D
You say your standing up for yourself and he may notice but without even realizing it in no time at all you will be right back in the same spot starting over again move on now while the pain is still fresh just like scared said your girls will only learn bad behavor from this and kids deserve the best we can give them.But you need to do this for yourself

May 19, 2006
8:18 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I believe what reaching out is saying as well. He has done it over and over and over. You will be right back to that scared little girl in a corner, and you won't even be able to see yourself there again. You know that he is choosing porn right now with the computer, yet you are still afraid to confront that. That is a sign that the fear still exists. That scared little girl afraid of what has happened before is still there. Move on honey, please. I love you and I am always here for you.

Mandy

May 19, 2006
8:37 am
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p.o'd,

I only read your first post; I'll come back to the rest later. All I can think to say is: ((p.o'd))

and that I hope Joseph burns in hell for what he did to Joe's mother and to his own second wife.

Seeker

May 19, 2006
9:26 am
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Hi POD. Im so sorry you are married to Peter Pan. Don't you want a man to grow old together with? He is not growing with you and you don't need this. Continuing with the same, is all it will ever be, continuing with the same. Change is very frightening but inevitable and worth the risk. Without change, you stay stuck. What is stale, stays stale. Face the fear and do it anyway. Hang in there.

May 19, 2006
12:09 pm
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Thank you all for your time in reading my tale and for your opinions.I sat down and spoke with "Joe" yesterday upon his return from work.I felt it was high time I confronted him and discuss what I have learned about me lately.I was calm and collected and not as I used to be,hoping that the new approach would not see a repeat of prior incidents.And,to my surprise,I got an intelligent and concise conversation out of him!I told him that I know everything of his exploits on this computer,and that he hadn't actually met anyone in person yet,but asked him when that was gonna happen.He of course,as usual,told me he had no intention of meeting anyone for sex or anything outside of our marriage.I explained in very precise detail how I am not living in the past,it seems to be sneaking back up on me,and that I was not gonna live this way ANYMORE.I told him he was on divorce's doorstep,and that he has a lot of work to do to prevent me from leaving him,and if the work isn't done,or even started NOW,that the girls and I are leaving as soon as possible.I don't know if he will try,he says he will,but the past is a pretty accurate predictor of the future.
This man is the one I wanted to grow old with.I have practically grown up WITH him.It is not his fault that he turned out this way,but he is at fault for not rebelling against it the right way,and giving Joseph,his biological mother,or even his stepmother the upper hand in his emotional and mental well being.He feels cursed and discredited,and I have done everything I can do to convince him that he has been worthy of true love.
By the way,Seeker,Joseph has and will get more punishment than anyone could ever give him on Earth for what he did to those kids and his wives.He has 16 grandchildren he is not allowed to see,on his 4th wife,and is oblivious to having done anything wrong.We all know better.

May 19, 2006
1:03 pm
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POD i think this is a great step for you. At least it is in the open now and all you can do now is wait and see. good luck.

May 20, 2006
2:27 pm
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Feeling a sense of guilt over writing this story now for some reason.I feel as perhaps I have put Joe out there,and made him seem like a really bad person.He is NOT a bad man,he was a screwed up little boy,and he brought that into his life now.I just wish that I could have convinced him that I am the suffering faithful in every way,and that I just expected him to keep the promises he made to me.Maybe this is the old doormat coming out in me,but I am trying very hard to want him to change,and at the same time have the urge to run as fast as my little butt will carry me because I have no faith that he will.I will stand my ground as far as fidelity goes.I refuse to get guilted into taking his indiscretions with a grain of salt.He hasn't cheated physically yet,but like I said before,the past is a good indication of the future.He may love me,but when he is stressed out,pissed off,or whatever,he tends to just get sullen,withdrawn,and wants to blame the whole world for what he is or who he is.He has accomplished great things in his life,and was the first one in his family to do so,but he always feels like that is no big feat.I don't feel sorry for him for some things,but do feel sorry that he cannot see or feel who I am or what I feel I should be to him,after all these years.

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