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Married - Lonely - Stay or Go!
July 7, 2007
2:25 am
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LadyLibra
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September 29, 2010
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I have been married for 15 years, husband took pictures of him having sex with a co-worker about 2 years ago. I just found out about it 1 year ago when I found the photos. We have 1 teen son (his) from a previous marriage. I find myself not wanting to be at home or with him. He has signed us up for counseling to save our marriage - I dont care to save anything, but I still love him, but I don't know what I want - most days, I want to be alone and other days I like him - I know that I'm depressed about our relationship. I knew he was on the computer alot, but I ingnored it because he was home every night. I thought he was my best friend, I knew he liked pron when I met him, and I was smitten also. I never thought he'd go that far. He says he is sorry, and continues to try. He is a very gentleman and good provider. I also make good money and have my own accounts. I believe he has an sexual addiction with porn and his cameras. While I am here with him, I have put my foot down and advised very strongly!! How we have to rebuild trust. He has scheduled our first counseling on the 15th of July. I love him, but I don't like him. I just feel like he won't change becasue secretly, he thinks there is nothing wrong with what he did. I think he is sorry he got caught and I got hurt.

July 7, 2007
8:09 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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September 24, 2010
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well, maybe you ought to try counseling and see if at least you can sort out your feelings in order to make a concrete decision either way.

If you don't do counseling, you may never stop being confused and any decision you make may leave you feeling like you made the wrong one.

If you can't do couples counseling, maybe just get your own therapist...so you can speak candidly and get your feelings sorted out.

That way, if you decide to leave, you will know in your heart it is the right thing, or if you choose to stay, you can learn to heal and get thru this.

Also, know that you SHOULD trust your gut. If you feel that he is only sorry he got caught and NOT sorry he was doing something wrong, that could be a serious sign.

Also, know that it IS possible to love someone but not be able to be with them. If it's an unhealthy relationship, sometimes love isn't enough.

July 7, 2007
10:40 am
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Loralei
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"I love him, but I don't like him"

I think liking someone is more vital to a good relationship than loving them. If you like someone, you are happy to be around them. You can love someone and still be miserable when you are with them.

If your husband doesn't think there was anything wrong with cheating on you, that tells you that it will happen again and again. Is this the kind of marriage you want? Because it's doubtful that anything is going to really change.

July 7, 2007
10:55 am
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Desert Moon
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September 27, 2010
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Hi Lady Libra,

I just had to take a minute to respond. My heart goes out to you. I can certain understand why you are not liking him. I am not in a position to tell you to get out of the marraige at this point, that is your decision, of course, but if you are having trouble deciding to stay or go, then I would say by all means, get some counselling first, especially if your husband is willing to do this, before moving on to more drastic measures and calling it quits.

Your husband seems to have an addiction that has severely damaged the trust in your marraige. It's not even about the pictures or the infidelity. It is his his perception on things. As you say, you don't think he's sorry, only sorry he got caught. If his purpose for counseling is to get you to 'see' things his way, then I can see the writing on the wall. It's only a matter of time. Your husband needs to first take ownership of his actions before any healing can begin. He needs to know he has violated your trust and just how damaging and hurtful his addiction is to you and your marraige. He also needs to be truly sorry, and know that he will have to be vigilant to you, perhaps for the rest of his life, if need be, to regain and maintain trust, if he is truly wanting your marraige to be saved.

And please, get a good counselor whose expertise lies in sex addictions. Don't hesitate to shop around, your marraige depends on it.

Best of luck to you, LL. let us know how things are going. this is a great place to express yourself.

DM

July 7, 2007
11:05 am
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StronginHim77
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If you feel this is also a "spiritual" situation, then check around. There are many ministers who specialize in treating men with porn problems. They have serious intimacy issues. Definitely, reach out for help and realize that youe are feeling very rejected and depressed right now. However, as a woman who has survived a porn-addicted husband, I want to reassure you that his penchant for pornography has NOTHING to do with you...your appearance, your age, your weight...NOTHING. It is about him and his intimacy issues.

Please don't beat yourself up for this. Draw the line and require that he earn back your trust. Tossing out the computer would be a good start.

- Ma Strong

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