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Married & In love with someone else?
August 2, 2005
12:05 pm
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redshell
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I am a 27 year old female who has been married for almost five years. I married my current husband about a year and a half after ending a previous marriage that ended becuase of my first husbands infidelity. I love my current husband and he is a good person. The passion has gone out of our marriage. We have gone to counseling becuase we were having sexual problems about six months ago. Those got better. Now all we do is fight about money. This has always been the case. We are very opposite personalitites - I am very generouse, out going, and compassionate. My husband is an intravert, extremely frugal and not as loving as I wish he would be. Here is my real problem. I recently spent time with a man that I have known since before my current husband and I were married. We spent some time togher after my divorce but it didn't go anywhere. When we recently spent time together - I couldn't beleive how much fun we had. I could talk to him, he was so caring and concerned with my needs, and he was extremely generous. I am also very attracted physically to this person. I have been sick to my stomache ever since this encounter becuase I don't know what to do. I know I need to tell my husband how I am feeling. I also have the desire to tell the gentleman who I spent time with how I am feeling. I learned through a mutual friend that he seems to share the same feelings. I am so scared and confused. I don't want to break up a marriage because of these feelings but I can't get this new love out of my mind. I need help.

August 2, 2005
1:45 pm
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staying hopeful
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Redshell

I understand the feelings you are going through right now. I'm in a similiar situation except that I have been married for 30 yrs and I met the man online more than 5 yrs ago. If you want, read the thread "Online relationship just ended".

All I can say to you is if it doesn't feel right and you don't want to end your marriage, STOP right now before it goes any deeper.

Sorry, I have to go out now but check out the other thread and join in.

Good Luck!
Love, SH

August 2, 2005
1:58 pm
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kathygy
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Of course you had fun with this other man, your not in a relationship with him. Its very different to be with someone you don't have any baggage with and are not in a relationship with than its is to be with someone you are in a relationship with. The other man is probably on his best behavior with you and you have no idea what it would be like to be in a committed relationship with him. He could be a completely different person. I don't think its wise to pursue this man any further given that you are married. That could cause you to pull further away from your husband. I do think that its important that you tell your husband about this other man because that will take lessen the power it has on you. This other man is just a distraction from what you really need to focus on and that is your marriage. Are you still in counseling? I think it is very important that you do that to work on your marriage. Don't let this other man factor in about your decisions about your marriage. I would break ties with him for now. Is your husband willing to work on your marriage?

love,
kathy

August 2, 2005
7:11 pm
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exoticflower
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If you value your marriage and respect your husband, you will remove this other person from your life immediately. If you are tempted and feel that threat is there, then to allow it is to invite it and you will have no one to blame but yourself. Anything but preventative actions in betrayal is just an excuse while you do what you want to please yourself.

August 2, 2005
7:54 pm
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exoticflower
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I was speaking to the situation in general, not to you, I'm really not a mean person, this is just something I think there is no gray area in. if you are concidering cheating with someone, that person may as well be drugs or booze because they threaten any honest progress within the life you have chosen, I think. And I do agree with Kathygy that people act very differently outside of a relationship, it is human nature. And this could be a fantasy with the reality of your current relationship problems, and it would be a shame to give a fantasy for escape from your real life problems that sort of power. It was the start fo my family being torn apart before any sex between the two of them happened, the energy he put into this was too much for me to forgive, the lies, the secret e-mails, the fond thoughts of her I needed him to work towards having for me and our daughter...and I have heard others say the same about emmotional affairs. The emotional relationship has the power to destroy a family or a marriage or hopes of working things out sometimes, it feels just the same in way of betrayal sometimes as a real sex and secret meeting places affair does. I believe that firmly, and think it can hurt everyone and is seldome as innocent as the people involved tell themselves and everyone else it is. Sorry to sound snippy, I am about the situation, not you personally, I don't want to scare you off when you are just reaching for help and advice.

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