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married for only 4 yrs, and already husband sleeping in another room
January 17, 2007
1:53 am
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imask
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On March 1st we will be married 4 yrs. It has been very rockie. I had not told my new husband a few things about myself. Such as losing a baby (still born) more than 20 years ago. How ever he new about it somehow, before we married. He started to ask question's about it,three yrs into our marriage, then claimed he was left out. Then he said he heard things about me, before, not nice stuff, but not true.but he still married me, and now using these against me.

January 17, 2007
2:07 am
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Anonymous
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All I can think of suggesting is seeing a counsellor together. If he married you "knowing" these false things about you, that's not your problem, that's his. I don't know much about your situation, but I do know that once a husband and wife start sleeping separately, the marriage will die if this doesn't change.

January 17, 2007
1:24 pm
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taj64
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I have done that many times, said something in confidencen and had it used against me. It breaks trust and confidence in another person. But if you can teach each other not to bring up past issues unless it relates to the argument at hand then I was always told not to bring up other issues in an argument because it is not helpful. And also not help to namecall. I am sure you are feeling very badly over this. Your partner is angry right now and so are you. If you deal with why you are angry then you can sleep together again. It is hard to be intimate with a person when there is anger in the air. And anger can fester if not dealt with. Technically speaking he is not a new husband. Four years to me is long enough not to be considered a new relationship. But if you consider it new then that is ok too. Problems do happen in relationships even new ones or old ones. I think this one can really be worked out just need to be able to communicate a little better. It is my belief that all secrets should be told before the marriage but ok that did not happen here so maybe he is feeling a bit betrayed at you not being forthcoming. No matter it is still a very traumatic experience for you and he needs/should be patient. Maybe he just needs a little space to cool off but I sure hope he can come back to be willing to talk about it. It may have hurt for him that you did not confide in him as his partner. What you can do is try to make this better. And that means trying to communicate with each other and be honest about your feelings. I am sure this will blow over as most argument do. Arguments do happen from time to time.

January 17, 2007
1:43 pm
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nappy
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I think that he is not being fair. Why? Because what you did in the past is in the past. These things happen before you and him got together. You can't past judgement on someone until you look at yourself first.
Is his past sparkling clean? I don't think so. Your life together with him started when you two got together. I can see if you did those things that he is upset about while you were married but they didn't. Don't be hard on yourself because of what you did in the past. We all have a past. Just like when two people get together and the other one is mad because the other person had several people in there lives before them. A person is not just waiting to not do anything in life until that perfect person comes into there lives. No way!
He needs to let it go and try to communiate with you and learn how to talk. And having a still born baby 20 years ago is hard enough but him being upset because you didn't tell him, why? is that going to make the past better. I don't think so.

January 17, 2007
5:17 pm
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thetbeav
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Relationships are hard and go through ups and downs. Don't be discouraged. This can definitely be worked out. I've slept in another room many times, but things are great in my relationship now. Just keep at it.

I'm not an expert and I find this extremely hard to do b/c it's difficult for me to open up and talk. BUT, I would sit him down and first of all apologize for not telling him these things. I think that if he had things that he didn't tell you, you would be upset too. (although his behavior about it isn't very immature) But just explain to him that they were difficult things that happened in your life and it's hugely uncomfortable to talk about because you don't even want to think about them.

I would point out to him that in order for you to be comfortable telling him things, he needs to stop throwing them in your face. THat's unacceptable in a relationship, and it's toally not fair to you.

When there are serious issues on my mind that I'm unsure of how to talk about it, sometimes I choose to write them in a letter or email to him. That way he has time to digest it before he responds, and it doesn't just turn into another fight.

Why is all this stuff that happened before you guys were married suddenly an issue now 4 years into the marriage?

January 17, 2007
5:30 pm
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Anonymous
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imask,

5 years...but me too...I am sleeping in my son's room.

There are big fat problems though.

Maybe a counselor can help you work these more serious or sensitive issues out together and give suggests. Sometimes it is good to have a referee. 🙂

January 17, 2007
6:35 pm
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imask
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Thank you all for your good advice, I do need to sit down and go over these problems with him, and I hope he can be a little more thoughtful of my feelings. About the hardships I have gone through. And yes of course he has a past which I never was worried about, because I believed that now is now, and then was then.

January 17, 2007
6:41 pm
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taj64
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Hi! I always say when you are mad, stick to the issue at hand. Everything else can wait. But ultimately he has accepted you as you are, faults and all, or else he would not have married you. None of us are perfect. Men are not known for being sensitive, some are, but not all. I hope you resolve the differences. As I can feel you love him and through thick and thin you manage to work it out somehow. It can only make you as a couple to grow stronger.

January 17, 2007
10:23 pm
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doubleloss
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hi, it used to be the 7 year itch, now apparently it's the 4 year mark when many marriages break up. I hope you guys go to counselling, marriage is not easy but it's worth giving it a good try (as long as there is no abuse). Good luck!

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