Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
married but stuck on ex
January 12, 2000
11:40 pm
Avatar
holly2000
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi, I'm new to this discussion, but want to try it out. I just got back from going "home" during a break from teaching, and the anticipation of seeing my ex seems to have brought alot of issues to the forefront. I was with him for 4 years, but after about 2 years of frustration with his habits and stubbornness, gave him up when I met another "perfect husband" guy. Long story short, I strung him (the ex) along till I was sure about the new guy, and he (the ex) eventually found out, and hated me for the next 2 years. The last year we (me and the ex) have been able to communicate and he has all but forgiven me, though I "broke his heart" and caused him to "not be able to love" anyone else. I married the new guy in a hollywood storybook way after about a year of dating (although he was gone for a good 6 months of that for training), but after 1 1/2 years in a military marriage in the central midwest, I have finally had to start facing reality. I now have serious doubts about my decision, fear that I may have given up the only "true love" I'll have, and have serious doubts that my marriage will survive because in reality we have nothing in common, different goals, and very different core personalities. The ex and I had many things in common, enjoyed tons of outdoor activities together, and had long conversations about topics that interested us both. Now none of that is possible with my husband, and after being "home", even though I only talked to the ex on the phone, I miss him terribly and seem to be comparing him with my husband like I never have and am terribly sad over the fact that I have given him up forever. Am I going through the inevitable "mourning" for the ex, triggered by going home (without my husband - he was working), or did I make a mistake dumping the one for the other and jump into a marriage because I thought that was what I wanted? I am 29, my husband is just now 25, and my ex is almost 30. Did I have a knee-jerk reaction to the frustrations I was going through with the ex and marry the first apparently good guy I met? He is handsome, an officer in the military, comes from a good family, has no real problems, yet I am extremely fearful that he is not the one. Also worth mentioning - I have never been dumped. I have always stayed unhappily with one until another came along to give me reason to end it. I have repeated this cycle at least 3 times, and broken hearts each time. I am no catch, it just happens that way. I don't want to repeat it, and that may be what's trying to happen again. I really need advice.

January 13, 2000
12:42 am
Avatar
cerry
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Holly,

Your story sounds somewhat simuliar to mine. I married when I was 23 years old. As young girls do, they want to have the perfect white picket fence the house, and the perfect fairytale. The night before I got married I stayed up all night and did realize that I did not love this man. The marriage lasted 5 months. I was in simuliar situations knowing that even though I was unhappy I stayed in the relationship until I had another reason to leave. The men tend to sense this and the relationship does breaks down. I too was with a guy who to this day I do still think about. I do still love him, but I would never go back as the trust is not there. I agree with others that the majority of the time it never works out. If the guy or girl has been hurt that bad they may forgive but will never forget and be cautious all the time. I finally realized that this cycle had to be broken. No one wants to feel unloved or alone. It appears, no offense, that you need to be with a man all the time whether you think you love him or not.
What I did took alot of courage. I did alot of soul seaching and realized I could survive without a man in my life. I do enjoy being on my own but at first it was lonely. Keeping my self busy and doing for me was the best thing I could ever do for myself. I thought at one time that l lost my true love. No, love does come around again, but you have to give YOURSELF time. You have to know who you are first, love yourself and do for yourself. You can't keep jumping from relationship to relationship. You will never be happy. Take time for you. I finally realized that it was not scaring being on your own. I didn't need someone in my life as I already had love. The love I found was in me and the love given was from me. What I finally did was did my own thing and avoided who thought was my true love. Time heals. If it was meant to be it would. Remember, "absent makes the heart grow stronger" or "out of site out of mind".
If I seem harsh I am not trying to be, but as you stated you are going through a cycle all the time. From what you say it appears that you are afraid to be on your own. Try it. You have nothing too loose.
Take care
Cerry

January 13, 2000
9:36 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I know this might sound cliched, but Holly, you sound like a relationship addict to me. It's definatly not a healthy pattern to go from one relationship to another with no break in between. Also, are you truely emotionally invested in your partner if you string them along until you find something better? There has to be a certain distance, although that can occur slowly as you withdraw affection because you feel sa if the other person isn't catering to you.

The key to good relationships is communciation and honesty. It's often said but seldom comprehended. This involves not only honesty with your partner, but honesty with yourself. If you never stop to truely analyze yourself and your own reactions and triggers, how can you be honest with someone else? Why do YOU think you keep this pattern up, and what have you done to stop it?

It's one thing to recognize that you have a problem, but entirely another thing to actually take steps to stop yourself from repeating an unhealthy pattern.

I don't want to insult you, by any means, but I've always thought that it's easy to give advice, it's more difficult to make someone actually think.

January 13, 2000
6:56 pm
Avatar
holly2000
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you Cerry and Cici. You both seem to really understand what I'm going through. I do have a pattern, and I have never spent much time "alone". I am either with someone, or pursuing someone, or stringing someone along in case a new someone does not appear. It is awful and selfish, but I really don't know how to change it. I keep telling myself that I'm just too easily bored or distracted from my partner, and that if I try hard enough that "true love" will somehow develop. But the problem is that I try to make a person into that true love, whether they are really a good match for me or not. If they love me, that's all I seem to care about, probably out of fear of ending up alone. I think the root of this cycle is insecurity on my part, a fear that if I don't make all the effort to find someone and force a relationship and commitment, that no one will ever pursue me. I know it sounds so mixed up, but I have done it at least 3 times, and broken at least 3 hearts in the process. I really don't want to do it to my husband, but my brain is telling me all the things that are wrong with our marriage, and remembering all the things that were right with my last relationship (but forgetting all the bad parts.) It is extremely hard for my to see myself objectively as you all are able to do. Do you recommend a counselor? Do you recommend telling my husband what is going on, or working through it myself and talking to him only if and when it's necessary? I really seem to have alot of issues, and they are all springing up at the same time, and I can't put my finger on the trigger, except going home. But I have gone home without my husband before, and did not experience the same desire to see my ex as I did recently. Something has changed, but what? Thanks for listening - I mostly need to vent, but hope for a little advice or scolding too.
Holly

January 15, 2000
10:11 pm
Avatar
betty
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think people need to leave other peoples relationships alone. It's really up to you to make a choice, but be willing to suffer the results. Is the sex good?

January 16, 2000
1:29 am
Avatar
Jimmy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Holly, get real! There is nothing lacking in the men you take up with except a woman who has the courage to accept what she is up to.

You say one thing, yet you do the opposite. The truth appears to be more of your lack of faith in yourself. You move from one relationship to another seeking to re-confirm your desireability as a woman. Get over it!!

You cannot have an intimate relationship until you are accepting of yourself. In other words, others will never measure up until you measure up to yourself.

Your comment about not being a good catch says more about how you see yourself, and it is yourself that needs to get real. Otherwise, you will be seeking continuous validation as a desireable woman.

Yes, seek out a counselor. However, I strongly recommend you seek out one who practices Adlerian Psychology. Otherwise, you will only be dealing with the "feelings" and not the core issue here. Good luck.

January 16, 2000
10:23 pm
Avatar
holly2000
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks to all of you for listening and responding. It has helped me sort things out enough to know that I should probably go to a counselor before I ruin yet another good relationship! It has been hard to look at "myself" but I have realized that it is me who needs to learn about me, and not the men in my life who are at fault. So that's where I am right now, so we'll see where I get from here. To answer Betty's question about the sex, No, it is not good with my husband. It's routine, we both "get ours" but it is the same all the time and we are more concerned with getting our 7 hours of sleep in our new king-size bed than trying new things. My ex, on the other hand, was a master in bed and we never got tired of trying new things. I didn't realize it at the time, but that sex was extraordinary. I hate that I gave that up, but things balance out I guess! Anyway, I appreciate all of you caring enough to respond to my "cry for help" - I never knew so many women were out there who would not only relate to my situation but also care enough to try to help me. Hugs to all of you and best wishes for your own happy futures!
Holly2000

January 16, 2000
11:20 pm
Avatar
betty
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

try somethings that you did with your ex that would spruce up your relationship with your husband and best of luck I know how you feel about giving up some things! But we all have to make choices and it is up to us to keep our ongoing relationship going the right way, maybe sex is just a routine now but try some new stuff and see what happens.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
28
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714213
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer