Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
married but feel single
March 6, 2001
5:18 pm
Avatar
moredata
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been married 10 years with 2 wonderfull kids. I love being a dad but my wife and I live like room mate. Ther is nothing like a husband and wife thing between us. If we didnt have kids we would gone our own way. We tried marrge counselor once but didnt get anywhere. She is hypocondriac and always has something wrong with her. You name it she got it. No Dr could find anything wrong with her. Her mother is the same way. I feel lonely and I am always looking at other women I think I am at the point where if I get invited by a woman I may accept it. I have never cheated on her. But now I think our relation has gone so far that there is no point of return.
I feel like I am wasting my life or sacrificing my life for my kids. I guess when we started to date we were both were lonely and made a good match.

We tried to talk things over but she points finger at me and me at her, doesnt solve anything. I have pretty much written her off as a room mate.

March 6, 2001
10:38 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Can't do that because of the kids!!!!!!!!!!! We don't need another divorce to make for crazy children, and believe me, it makes for crazy children. I always tell my young friends that think of marriage, to look at the parents. It is no surprise that she is like her mother, but you did marry her and make the babies!!! If you go with another woman, you might enjoy the moment , but you'll pay for the rest of your life. Trust me. Let her know that you love her and are committed to the relationship, but your not happy. Buy two copies of Phil McGraws Relational Rescue, do the work, and if you can't talk, take it when completed to a counselor. Give her I statements when you language your feelings. She is most likely depressed, and unsatisfied too, but her way to act out is to be sick. Make sense? Just got to keep trying to find the spark to light the fire. Vent here, read other posts, but foremost you must think of the children, and by the way, how sick are they?????????? Have they picked up mom's way yet, or has she transfered it on to them?

March 7, 2001
9:39 am
Avatar
wyliekyle
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I know how you feel. My hubby and I are in the same boat.

While I think Molly has made some good points, I also think that it's not right to stay married just for the sake of the children.

You have to give your children a perception of happiness, and how can you do that if you're miserable?

I would rather have my child see me separate from my hubby and happy than with him and wanting to chew my arms and legs off to get out of the relationship!

But, again, Molly does have a good point in saying that if you CAN work it out, you should.

Have you tried seeking counseling with your wife? If she doesn't want to go to counseling with you, go by yourself. Sometimes it's great to have a fresh perspective from someone outside the relationship.

Best advise is to think long and hard about EVERYTHING, especially the affect your relationship with your wife is having on your children.

March 7, 2001
10:48 am
Avatar
Dilly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Perhaps her "illnesses" are a cry for attention, which should ring alarm bells in you. It sounds as if she is very unhappy, therefore it's no wonder you are "room-mates". Why not try showing her a bit more of the love and attention you did when you first got married? I'm sure it would pay dividends in the long run. I know it's tempting to go after the first women to show you admiration, but, that's where you started with your wife is,nt it, so you would just be going round in circles. I would suggest you really try once more to make your marriage work, tell your wife what you intend to do (try again) and give it a time scale, say 6 more months, then if it's still not working try a separation for a while, and then see how much you miss each other. Remeber, no matter what you decide, or how many mistresses you have, she will always be the mother of your children, so even if you decide to both call it a day, try to
show her the respect she deserves.

March 7, 2001
1:57 pm
Avatar
moredata
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you so much for all the help. I know what you all are saying that is why I never cheated on her. The thing is I dont know if I dont if I still love her and feelings have changed. Our major argument was over who does the house work and I was working 80 hrs a week at that time and she still insisted that I should still do 50% at home. She did not work at that time. Right now she works part time come home watch TV. Kitchen may look like a war zone with 2 or more days old dishes. Yesterday I shoveled a foot of snow cleaned both our cars help my neighbor's wife replacing the flat, took kids to play in the snow, I was also on calls from work did that came inside the house wash 2 days old dishes and cooked dinner. Also trained my 9 year old how tomake a salad. She picked up clutter around our single floor house. We wash our bathroom once every 3 -4 months or we are expecting guess. Her father did everything in the house I made clear on several occasion that her father does not live here and she have to help. She use to be sick even when we started dating and she said she will get better at that time I didnt know that hypocondriac existed. My kids are catching it too. Never a single day that dont mention they feel sick ar feel like throwing up. I dont think I can love her again. I will try the books Molly suggested. Thanks again!

March 7, 2001
10:08 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

She needs to get that illness is her ACT. Its a coping mechanism. The kids have picked up on it, as just as she did from her mom, as we are our parents. Glad your getting the book, he is also on Oprah on Tuesday's. I personally like his style, and I have been to lots of marriage counselors!
I used to think that teaching my children how to be happy, and ascertive, for well being was most important too. I learned that it is more important to teach commitment, integrity, and character, since I divorced their father. I am speaking from personal experience, and that is why I get on a soap box once and a while. The children appear to be resiliant , and we do sugar coat things to make the mess appear pretty, and fake our confidence that all will be ok. However, we have less controll after the divorce than when married. We have effected their concept of till death do we part, and they have real issues with trust, as well as the concept of divorcing the parent as soon as they are old enough. They are used like ping pong balls, for controll, money, and guilt. They are left alone, and introduced to many disruptive situations to satisfy the parents immediate need. there is financial hard ship, and a lack of stability that would not have been if there was an intact family. there are issues of responsibility that the child would never have had to address with a two parent family, as well as what did I do to make my parents split. There are so many factors, and if you don't think that divorce has had an effect, then why are the kids cutting, why are the kids killing, why are the kids yelling rage in their music, and art, and why are the kids not getting married? Divorce is wrong, and we better get smart, and make the right choice, realize that it is not the answer to all our problems, admit that we owe our children, who by the way did not ask to be here, and that love relationships, and marriage takes work, and is not always fun. Its hard.

March 8, 2001
2:58 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What are her symptoms? There are several chronic illness which tke very specialized tests to diagnose. I have an illness which is not very common and thus not easily reconized. I am lucky to live in a university town, where my doctor had known abot research being done, and they did a four-hour long gastric emptying scan on a big revolving table to diagnose me, which is the only way you can dagnose my disease (gastroparesis).

I am often exhausted because I can't eat solid food. If my fiance didn't know about my illness he would probably dump me, too, because he has to deal with a lot. Some doctors out there still call my disease "psychiatric" because they don't have the diagnostic tools. The equipment to diagnose the disease is expensive.

At the superficial level, she sounds at least depressive, since there is little motivation.

I'm sensitive to the issue of hypochodriasis, the clinical term for the disease, because I was accused of this before I was diagnosed. I was accused of bulemia, anorexia, bipolar mood disorder, and depression. I was medicated for all and nothing worked.

I'm not saying that your wife is ill (although she may be). But let's get back to a BASIC behavioristic principle:

EVERY BEHAVIOR REFLECTS A NEED.

She is seeking attention for whatver reason. I mean, you are pointing the finger at her but it takes two to have an argument, yes? What does she accuse you of?

March 8, 2001
3:46 pm
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Before you split up about household issues: get a paid help. A partnership isn't a working contest. And dont count working hours against each other. Set up some rules that you decide together and stick to them. These are problems that can be solved. Stop being angry about these and find out what the real problem is. You didn't marry to have a cleaner at home, did you? So what ist it really, that she isn't fulfilling? What would you need besides somebody who cleans the house? Love? How would you know it if it came along? Sex? (At least that is fairly easy to recognize, but would it change anything?)

March 9, 2001
9:51 am
Avatar
NESS
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Can I say that I sound very much like your wife and how sad I feel for her.She wont enjoy feeling the way she does .Like you our sex life has suffered a great deal but one reason is that I never felt loved or listened to by my husband.We even split up for three months and got back together as we both felt it was worth fighting for,not for the kids, but for us.I always blamed my husband for all my problems and when we seperated realised it was not him,but me.Maybe think about a trial seperation,and maybe start again.Take her out on dates,buy her little suprise gifts,tell her you love her.Pamper her a little.Give it a try,you have nothing to lose.

March 15, 2001
3:51 pm
Avatar
moredata
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you for your help everone. To me seperation is like getting drunk and the problem is still there when you sober up. Also my children will be devastated if they find out that I will not be coming home. I am their live toy. Ness u r right we do not go on dates. I suggust that we go to museums or matinee while our neighbors take care of the kids. She dont seems interested. She never do it. I have not married her to do house work. If I am working 80 hrs/wk and she stays home least she can do is clean the house, I would. She is still very close to her family and she never kicked in as her own life. She even stayed at her parent house the wedding night. I slept alone. Her response to her parents is 10 times faster than it is to me. At this time I am so turned off with her that I cant even buy her a wife cards so I just buy funny cards. I cannot kiss her and whenever I do its not real. I dont think I cant revive my love with her. We barely hug. I just cant revive it. I want to be passionately in love. Imiss that. We dont even fight. I am sad. I will try and get a good professional help and but that book that molly suggusted. Take care! Wait for part 2 of as the world turns.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
47 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109291

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

hritsyaDazy, zapravkaprofi, pbyffDazy, rjhybkfDazy, dflbifDazy, LavrushkaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer