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Married and confused
March 21, 2001
2:47 pm
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Sarah
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September 30, 2010
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I have been married for almost three years now. I feel that I do not love my husband anymore yet and am too afraid to leave him because I do not want to hurt him. We do not have any children. For the last 6 months or so I have had no desire to have sexual relations with him, I do not even want to go home, and I have thoughts of cheating on him. I am very scared about my feelings. He is a very careing man yet I just do not feel a connection between us. We have nothing in common and the only thing that we do together is watch TV and go out to eat. We have different friends. When I try to introduce new activities or mutual friends to the relationship something is always wrong with the idea and it never works. I have expressed my feelings to him and wanting to leave and he just gets angry and says to leave then I feel bad and stay. Sometimes I just wish he would cheat on me so that I would have an excuse to leave. I am just very confused and I feel like the situation is making me severly depressed. It is showing in all I do and I really need some advise! Thank you in advance for the help!

March 22, 2001
11:38 am
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Ladeska
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September 27, 2010
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Problems like this happen with the help from "two" people, not just one and it takes - two people that come to the table to sort it out. He's obviously very locked up and you have to let him know - this is unacceptable to you. That as a married unit of "one" here - this half is struggling and not in the mood to be punished by his resistance to connect with you in all honesty.

Marriage is work and I would remind him of that. He's being a bully in a passive aggressive way and you need ot nail him on it - right between the eyes. Oh bummer - that HE gets angry! Um, and what about you and your feelings in all of this? Hey, you've got to straighten up here and have some "rights" about yourself. Otherwise he will continue bullying you and pushing you away. This isn't okay and it shouldn't be okay. But....you have to have boundaries here and reach out to him, but at the same time let him know that you will protect "you", too in all of this and that you will pull away yourself and do what you have to do - whether that means separating or whatever. He's "left" you, even though he is in the same house.

This isn't what you signed up for, is it? Then hold your head up, have a clear statement of what you want and what you are willing to do as far as your end goes and then hand the baton across the table to him and say - and I expect "you" to pull your weight here as well, so what are "you" bringing to the table. If nothing is the answer - then you have your answer - right? And then.....you have to make a decision as to whether this is okay with you or not and take an action that states that very clearly. You have choices here and you need to stop brooding and being depressed and take action. Otherwise, by your inaction - you are agreeing that you deserve this kind of treatment - right? There is no fence that people ride. You're either on one side of things or the other side. So make some choices here.

March 22, 2001
7:31 pm
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Alena
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Well, have you ever expressed your feelings to him without saying you want to leave? I think he may answer your threat with a defensive, off the wall, not-thinking "then leave." Maybe he just doesn't know how to fix it either and is also confused. Unless he's a blockhead, he must feel your lack of desire also. You say he's a very caring man, would he be agreeable to seeing a counselor to help you sort out your confusions and get back on the right track?

Did something happen to make you feel this way or is it just building up? Many couples have different likes and dislikes, but they still come together as a loving couple because of their love and caring for each other. What else is going on? Is there someone you picture in that cheating scenario you consider?
Before you got married, did you have anything in common? Did you do things together?

March 26, 2001
4:37 pm
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boldguy
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September 29, 2010
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Hey Sarah, I assume you have gotten into arranged marriage, right? Anyway most of the arranged marriages seem to be successful, but may be they have these kinds of issues.

My kind suggestion to you is for you to add a new addition to your family soon. I mean you should plan to have a child soon. Once you have a child, all your perception of life and marriage will change and you will have a great feeling. That will definitely solve all your problems. Good luck.

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