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Married - am I trapped or just not thinking clearly??
January 30, 2000
11:16 pm
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Matt
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Greetings everyone!

First, thanks for listening to me and hopefully someone may either understand or be able to give me some guidance in this matter. This is a first for me on posting here - in fact just found the site earlier today. So far, looks fantastic!

Anyway, I'm really in a very interesting situation. I've been married now for about 3 years and we've been together for about 7. The woman I'm married to is truly a wonderful person. She would drop anything and everything and do just about anything for anyone. We are both professionals and very successful at what we do - she in restaurant management and I in sales. At any point, her job and mine have very different hours and over the past year or so have become more distant. Sometimes, it feels as if we are just roommates. Each of us is very different - and while that initially attracted us to one another, I'm afraid it has now started to separate us.

We have had some discussions on what each of us needs and have determined that her needs of "spending time together" are few and that even being in the house together is "spending time together" however I don't feel that way. Well, we agree to try and do more together and while that works for awhile, it doesn't last. Unfortunately, since we have not spent much time together, I think some of our interests have drifted further apart and now we have really become use to doing our own thing.

Well, over the past couple months, I have not been very happy with the way my life has been going. However, I feel like I'm really in a gigantic bind. You see, she ends up working 60-70 hours per week - but she really loves her job. She has worked in offices previously and cannot stand it. She hates office jobs - and was miserable when doing that previously. Now, she realizes that our time apart has been separating us and she wants to do something to change it. However, she told me on her next two days off, she's going to look for another job. Well, I got upset with that and said that's the wrong thing to do. While I would love for us to have similar hours, if she ends up going back to work in an office - her attitude, personality, etc. was just unbearable. You see, in order for each of our schedules to work better, something needs to change - but if she does what she says she "wants" to do, I'm certain she will resent me for it.

Well, please allow me to complicate the situation further. Over about the past year (less the last four months), I have spent a considerable amount of time with a joint friend of ours. This is where things become even more complicated and confusing. She and I simply spent time together and just really developed a great friendship. Unfortunately, my wife became jealous of the time we were spending together. While I told her we we're just friends, my wife may have seen something that I didn't. Now, just for the record, I have never and could never cheat on my wife - and I have not. However, this is where things really become confusing for me. You see, over the time that we did spend together, my feelings for her became more than just friends. While I figured she was leaving for six months, I thought no big deal - and I just sort of ignored these feelings and didn't say anthing. Well, she will be back in about six weeks and these feelings for her are not only there, but I believe have intensified. This probably sounds screwy at the moment, doesn't it??

Well, now I'm really stuck. As I mentioned before, I love my wife very much and would never want to hurt her. I'm afraid my feelings for her may have changed though and we have really become SO independent and apart from each other and our relationship. My concern is not whether I love her or not, but whether I'm now in love with her. I know that really sounds terrible - but it's been eating me up inside lately.

For some reason I figured these feelings would just kind of fade but it's now been over four months and they're just intensifying. If anyone could give me some perspectives on this or advise - I would be forever grateful.

Thanks and sorry for such a long post!
Matt

January 31, 2000
1:46 pm
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gst
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Matt, I hate to say it but it sounds as though you've answered your own question. If you don't love your own wife or find it wavering, then you have a roommate. That's ok but hardly the depth of emotion, comittedness etc that should be going into a house that will be around 50 -75 years. Perhaps marriage was premature. But ir seems like there is a lot of role misunderstanding or something going on. What do you think?

January 31, 2000
2:19 pm
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infaith
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To be frank, I think both of you have grown apart because of your wifes workaholism and poor priority setting, you should of been number one. She may also be feeling as you do and may even have a love interest of her own. If you still loved her you wouldnt be pining after this other woman. IT is sad, but I feel you have also answered your own question. Love happens.......it is unfortunate that it was not with your own wife, you did give her more than enough opportunity..
I had the same problem with my partner, be fortunately I was made top priority and I now feel that way.
God bless

February 3, 2000
12:16 am
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lui
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Its sounds like you may have alot of problems if
you do not decicide what you really want. After nearly 25yrs of marriage I discover my husband has had a friend for nearly 15yrs. Twice I kicked him out but he has always assured me that he really loves me. Now there are three messed up people not to mention two families. Good luck with your decision.

February 3, 2000
12:38 pm
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infaith
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I need to say that having a "friendship" with a person outside of your marriage can be at all kinds of levels, when I feel it is unacceptable and anyone with boundaries would feel the same, is when your mate is confiding deep personal issues with this other person regardles of the fact that they are "not having sex" it is emotional betrayal. Friendship and confidence should be first and foremost in a marriage, sex is a by product of a happy, loving and mutually respectful marriage. God bless

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