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marriage
October 19, 2001
6:04 pm
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lost n sad
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i am a 38 year old women who loves her hsuabnd very much i have 3 kids who are wonderful and live a comftable life style. Yet i feel so lost and sad and i want to leave my husband. I feel that i have not acheived anything in my life apart from bringing up kids and being a house wife. The idea of going it alone scares the hell out of me please can anyone help here i feel very lost and sad with my life.

October 19, 2001
11:41 pm
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Molly
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Sounds like such a familiar thing, I am sorry, so are you a stay at home mom ? If you are your doing the greatest thing you can possibly do, and unfortunately some circles here in America, don't celebrate that the way they should, but I think its gonna change. You obviously have a computer, all the colleges now have computer courses available, work it. Leave hubby alone,and focus on you and your needs. How old are the children, go to a gym and work out, and take them with you, marriage is hard, but being a single mom is so much harder, don't even think of going there unless there is drugs, or he is abusing you, hang tough, and be a little selfish, it will feel good once you get used to it.

October 20, 2001
12:00 am
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ejk
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Hum- I agree- you need to take care of your needs. If you could start your life right now- what would it look like?
What steps can you take right now that will make you feel ok?
Take baby steps.. Find out what you like and what you would like to persue.
Good luck.
If you feel you must leave your husband- think about your needs- do you love him?

October 20, 2001
8:27 am
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lost n sad
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thanks for the feed back i am very gratefull. You know, i have been thinking very hard and if i am honest with my self No i dont love my husband. I am here for the security for my kids. They are 16, 13 and 6 he is a good man and provides very well for us but i feel traped and suffocated. I am doing a college course that will lead to a job. I feel as if i need my space my freedom. Do i sound selfish because i feel very selfish saying this. It hurts me to think that i am staying here just for the kids sake, if i left then my husband can get on with his life but like i said before the thought of telling him scares me and the thought of breaking up a home scares me to. I am very confused as to what to do.

October 20, 2001
4:56 pm
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janes
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Before you LEAVE....start taking day trips, weekends away, College classes and so forth. FIND YOURSELF AGAIN BEFORE YOU GO ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!

I think we (women) fool ourselves about what love is...about what makes us happy and about what we need.

We watch to much t.v. This is not to make your needs any less.

I tried to be a stay at home mom to three of my kids and luckily found a job in six weeks or I'd be in jail for murdUring them and thier great grandmother.(BLESS THEIR HEARTS) IT MAD ME NUTZ!!!!!!

Love? what in the hell is that? after three kids and all those meals...do you (or I) even remember WHY we found that fella SOOOOOOOOOO irresistable? (NO!!!)
Especially when the socks and dirty dishes aare endless.

Sometimes love is in the Long time stuff. and it isn't what "they " say is love anymore.

But you do need to find YOU and nurture YOU and make you happy.

But before you run away from what you have ....do some big time counseling with a reputable counselor...tell your hubby, and get some outside interests. Especially if that 6 year old is in school all day you should not be at home all the time anymore either.

Get out...get another life and LIVE.

October 20, 2001
9:11 pm
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Aaron
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Lost and Sad,

I can truly relate. I am scheduled to get married in a couple of years and already I feel trapped. To say it most plainly I don't want to be with her sometimes. Sometimes I feel like she's gonna drive me nuts when I marry her. But you know what keeps me there when I'd rather be somewhere else? Love. Don't leave your husband I'm sure you love him and he loves you. Instead, spend some time apart sometimes. Even those who love each other the most need to spend time apart sometimes. It strengthens the relationship, allows you some freedom every now & then, and gives you something to look forward to when you are ready to go back home. Perhaps take a weekend trip somwhere alone no kids, no husband, just you. Never leave someone who you love that much. Just take your much needed get away and you will be okay.

October 21, 2001
10:47 am
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lost n sad
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Thank you very much for your kind words. You are right its about time i started to think about my self instead of putting everyone first. Marriage can be wonderful, i know, but it also can feel like a prison. I am tired of being just a wife and mother, i want to be me to find out who i am, but how the hell do i do that. I am going to make an appointment to see a counselor, hopefuly i can get to know the reall me and i cant wait to see what i am about. once again thank you

October 22, 2001
1:05 am
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cuss
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Lost and Sad,

I agree with you about the couseling and I highly recommend you get it and soon. I have been where you are and can speak on the subject. It is possible to find who you are and not leave and disrupt your family too much. I too felt that I had lost all love for my husband. Come to find out I had been mildly depressed for a number of years and was turning all my anger and frustration around on my husband because he was the easiest and most convenient target. I blamed him for stuff I had not accomplished. But I chose my life and I was the one who could have said what would happen in it. Counseling will help you make a better decision.

October 22, 2001
1:19 pm
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Molly
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the other thing to remember, is that marriage is the long haul, it is forever, and the love evidences its self in many different ways, up one day and down the next. How do you remain consistant, and satisfied for ever, you don't . You grow, you change, and it takes a hell of a lot more work than you ever thought. These are troubled times, not a good time to make emotional decisions, sometimes we do have to take that day trip, assess what we do have and celebrate the little things. It is a jungle out there, and hard to face alone, which is where we usually are in the day to day events. Even though you feel trapped, just imagine how much trapped you will feel with that void with out him, after all who would you get to complain about, vent to, or blame? Even if it is just target practice.

October 22, 2001
3:32 pm
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Cici
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Be careful that you don't fall into the trap of ego-building over learning to nurture the self. I know that there still is a huge trend in "increasing self-esteem" in young children that usually just leads to everyone in little league getting s dumb trophy. That is not building self-esteem.

I went to marriagebulders.com and checked out some of the advice, which seemed pretty good although not what you normally run into.

It isn't about focusing on your needs all the time. It's about making meaning in your own life. That's the big problem today. People think that simply by boosting their ego they will feel better, but it's really about getting focus in your life.

In terms of human development, we take for granted that development stops when we are adults. We've got all our fingers and toes, we are relatively coordinated, can see, hear, smell, taste, touch with relative acuity.

But yet the urge toward growth remains. This is because we still have growth left to do, but it is in the realm of cognitive, spiritual, emotional growth.

If you don't attend to that growth, you stagnate. And the growth-motivation becomes twisted and bent and starts pushing out in other, less healthy areas, i.e. the "midlife crisis". There are no such thing as "relationship problems." The problems stem from the conflicting issues of the INDIVIDUALS within the relationship. If both of you attend to your own growth needs, both of you will be happier.

Molly hit the nail on the head. Constant bliss, satisfaction and happiness in a relationship? IMPOSSIBLE! ha ha ha. but satisfaction with yourself and your own growth? Entirely possible, but it takes a helluva lot of work and determination.

People need to learn that a healthy, balanced lifestyle leads to healthy, balanced relationships and healthy, balanced emotions. Attending to your diet, to the health and strength of your physical body, to your spiritual growth, to the human drive to learn, learn, learn, acknowledging that sometimes self-restraint is necessary, all lead you to a fuller, more satisfying life.

October 23, 2001
7:58 am
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lost n sad
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Thank so much for your replies. I guess i wanted the perfect marriage living in a perfect world and when things got tough i wanted to run away from it all. I have taken on board what everyone of you have said and i do feel better and its going to take some time to sort my self out but i will. once again thank you from the bottom of my heart

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