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Marriage - Unfaithful
May 10, 2001
2:07 am
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shanky
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I need some serious advice. I had been dating my girlfriend for 13 years and just got married 4 months ago. I have been having an affair with her close friend (who is also married to my good friend) for @ 3 months. The situation is really messed up. The 4 of us are currently separated and I dont know what to do. my wife wants me back but the other woman says she loves me and has already left her husband. I think i'm in love with her too, but also care very strongly for my wife. I come from a culture where divorce is looked badly on. I dont know what to do. I'll end up hurting one of them and just not sure which one. My relationship with my wife is good and the one with the other woman was very intense. We practically lived together for 3 months because our spouses were always travelling. I am emotionally attached to her now.
Any advice ? Please

May 10, 2001
6:21 am
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janes
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go to a counselor....

don't go back to either one until you get your self sorted out

May 10, 2001
9:21 am
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Lydia
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Hopefully there are no children involved.

I think you need to explore the reasons why you married your wife that you had "been dating" for 14 years. Did you have an affair during those 14 years? What were the obstacles that prevented your marriage from occuring earlier?

As far as hurting one of them, I'm sure you must realize by now that both relationships have already been damaged by your actions.

I agree with janes, seek couseling before you do anything else.

Good luck.

May 10, 2001
11:33 am
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Molly
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Stay alone for a while, both those women need to be alone for a while too. I pray there is no children involved.

May 10, 2001
2:50 pm
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stern
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what a dog!

May 10, 2001
3:37 pm
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Ladeska
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Sorry to be the one to tell you and probably sound harsh doing it - but, um - there's no love going on here. All you guys are doing is trying to solve some old hurts in all your lives....and ending up hurting each other. That's what we do when we don't deal in truth.

But, obviously, you have to learn the difference between lies and truth before you can ever get better, right? So, you can keep on trying to use each other as toilet paper and bandaids if you want to - but, it won't work. It's all going to blow in your faces again and again and again until "each" person - owns their own stuff and disconnects from all this garbage. You have to be "whole" person before you can commit to another person.. Otherwise, you're just going to suck the life out of them and they are going to try to do the same to you.

What a web we weave when we are malnutritioned all the way around....and won't admit it and be responsible for our own emotional and mental health. We end up in cycles and messes like this that just gets uglier and more distorted as time goes on.

So, ride the merry-go-round if you want, swap partners, do-see-do and just blow each other's lives up if you're really that stupid and irresponsible. BUT....if your not - then do something about it and pull out of ALL of it right now - and get some help for yourself. Read, educate yourself, ask questions, get a Good counselor and take care of what's ailing "you" instead of trying to smear onto and into someone else's life. Like I said...."this ain't love". This is quite wicked actually and very, very destructive. Don't paint it a pretty color. It's not one. Sort of a bullshit brown kinda color. Time to wake up and make some changes, isn't it?

May 10, 2001
7:32 pm
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Alena
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I'm not trying to pick, but I had to laugh when you said you come from a culture where divorce is looked upon badly, and so how does it feel about infidelity?

May 10, 2001
10:04 pm
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Gateway
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I think that another thing you forgot to ad was that you also messed up your frinds relationship with his wife when you were having your affair. Have you come clean with everyone about the affair including the friend that lost his wife to you?

I don't want to sound like I'm beating up on you, but you need to do some soul searching and find out why after 13 years of being with your girlfriend turned wife, you find yourself being unfaithful in 3 short months. If the tables were turned, how would you feel?

If your beliefs involve religion, I suggest that you confess to your religious leader what you did and ask for God's forgiveness. Continue on with your wife, the girlfriend and your other friend. They might forgive you and then they might not.

I'm no angel and I hope I didn't make this sound like I am. Although their were two involved, step up, take FULL responsibility for your actions and talk to a professional about your feelings.

It's not going to be easy and I wish you well.

May 11, 2001
6:44 am
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wileria
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My advice is strictly from Christian point of view.
I will advice you face your wife and ask the other lady to go.
Yourself (certainly) and either or both of your women will go to hell if you continue this way.
Since "there is no easy way to break a heart" and since you certainly was not forced into marrying one of them, you should stick to the one you married.
I am sure time will heal whatever wound in your heart and in the heart of the other woman.
You only need to be prayerful and be disciplined.

May 11, 2001
7:45 am
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struggler
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Shanky,

Without sounding horribly judgemental,
Please allow me to offer an evaluation. Committment seems to be a problem in your life. Fear of it anyway. This delaying the marraige for so many years. Then Lust seems to be another challenge for you. Are you confusing Love for lust? What is lacking in your marriage that you would look elsewhere? Or what is lacking in your life that you would look elsewhere? Seek personal counseling. Talk to a minister or mentor. Get it under control. True love is not confused.

Good luck

May 11, 2001
10:59 am
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taminc
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It doesn't sound like you would be happy even if you picked one woman to go home with.

I feel you would have another relationship after you settle for the one you want today.

You need to find out what is missing inside you that you feel you are trying to fill.

You can't be happy and treat people like this and say you love them.

Tammy

May 11, 2001
4:59 pm
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stern
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Hey Shanky

the cat got your tongue!!

May 12, 2001
12:25 pm
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ranmar
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Well, now that you have been beaten up, let me put my two cents in from a male perspective. It is obvious first of all, that you should never have gotten married. A little late now, thoough. The second thing is sometimes we allow ourselves to let our zippered up male organ due our thinking for us, which can get us into trouble, as you are now experiencing. As soon as you can think from the heart and not the pants, you will be able to start dealing with your situation. Right now, I think you have no self respect or self esteem. If you did, you wouldn't be able to look in a mirror. So now that you have been beaten up emotionally, maybe it's time to admit your weakness within your self and find out the cause. ONly then can you begin to deal with your relationships. Good luck.....

May 18, 2001
1:33 am
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shanky
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Firstly, thank you all for replying. Yes it hurts to hear that i've been stupid, bad, or whatever else. I agree that i need help, no doubt. There were no serious problems in my marriage aside from the fact that I was not keen on marriage. I did cheat occasionally on my girlfriend before I got married and i dont know why I did it. My girlfriend (now my wife) has always been very emotionally attached to me and she would never let me break up with her and i was never strong enough to do it either.
The girl i had the affair with was also not happy with her marriage (got married too early) but otherwise her relationship did not seem bad. All 4 of us were good friends till this happened and obviously now its no more friends.
It just wasnt sex for me as the reason why i did it. My wife more thn satisfied me. I just dont know why.
Yes, i plan to seek help but i dont know where to start. I agree with what someone said that i need to find myself first.
Lets see.
Thank U all

May 21, 2001
11:59 am
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skimbleshanks
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Neither one of these women deserve you. They should leave your life immediately and find someone much less deserving.

May 21, 2001
1:29 pm
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Molly
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how about boredom, looking for the thrill? Sometimes that is all it is. Seeking validation, that ya still got what it takes, with out thought behind it. It doesn't have to be anything deep, although if you want to explore it, wouldn't hurt. You might even feel trapped, and trying to sabbotage what you have vs be honest with your self, and family about what you really want out of life. So, you messed up, you got married when you didn't want to, your girl friend should have gotten the hint, when you waited 13 years, vs force you into something you didn't want. You said, I do, and did, and kept doing. Unless your wife has low self esteem, and or is co-dependent, why would she want reconcilliation? Try some counseling before you move back in, maybe both of you could learn things. I would definately let the other one go, she has her own mess right now to deal with, and will be dealing with the consequences of her actions, before she is ready to be a mate with you.

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