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Marriage in limbo-PLEASE HELP!
September 4, 2001
1:13 pm
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Boods
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Well it has been 18 days since my wife of 4 months left me. She is out staying with a girlfriend. Here is the situation...
We argued a lot. She began to feel beaten down as well as I. It all finally came to a head and she said she needed to do some soul searching, so she left. The first week was tough. This past week was ok, but now I feel like I am being hung out to dry. We have only spoken 3 or 4 times and none of those times has she wanted to talk about the situation. Our friends have talked to her and that hasn't seemed to help her come home and face the situation. Now, I respect her for wanting to go and cool off so we can deal with this rationally. We both realize that we have a communication problem which has turned into mis trust. But the longevity... Our friends say that she doesn't want a divorce, but needs this time to gather all her thoughts. Here comes the confusing part. Last night she came home for about 20 min. to drop some stuff off for our dog. I felt it was time to let her know that I am reading several books dealing with this kind of situation. That I see where I went wrong and that I want to change all that. I told her that I know it can work, we have been there and had that love before. She says that we have never been on the level we needed to be at. And that she is not sure it can work. Then she asked "do you remember the one request I had for you about the engagement ring?" I didn't, it was 3 years ago. She reminded me that she wanted to have it on her hand before my mother saw it. Well I remembered then and realized that my mom saw it before it was on her hand. But that was it, she said that she can't trust me. Here's more...my friend came over last week and said that he saw her and she said to tell me she loved me. Last night I told her that I loved her too. She was confused. So I said I heard that you said this and she denied it by saying I told him to tell you hi. Is she playing games? Or do I not trust my friends? Also the friend she is living with, her lease is up Oct.1. My wife said she was worried about that. I have heard that this friend's dream is to have her leave me and move in with her. And that is where she has been staying. I am scared. What do I do? The kicker...My Birthday is Saturday. I love this woman with all my heart, and with a little hard work I know I can become the man she loved in the beginning. But I just feel like she has toyed with my mind and strung me along these past 6 years of being together and 4 months of marriage because of the way she has been so cold to me these past 3 weeks. With every passing day NOW, I am losing respect. Is she cheating...she says no...but... how do I know, she may be too afraid to say anything to me?? HELP Please.

September 4, 2001
4:59 pm
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Molly
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Well, just what was the straw that broke the camels back? Letting mom see the ring is a pretty immature thing for her to leave over. Did you hit her, lie to her, spend the rent money?????? I would think if you got married in a church or temple, to seek counseling from the minister. Have you asked her to go to counseling? You didn't say how old you both were, if you have dated over 4 years, I can imagine your frustration, but was she really ready to get married, or was it just for the excitment of planning the big day?
I wouldn't use your friends as go betweens, speak directly to each other, or you might loose your friends as well.

September 5, 2001
10:27 am
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Boods
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Well, she had said that all the resentment and anger of not being able to trust me built up so much that she felt suffocated. So she left. That's it. I don't hit her, lie to her, or spend uncontrollably. Sometimes I can get defensive, and I know I need to learn to listen better when she speaks her feelings. And sometimes we make an agreement and I may do my own thing. I see how she may lose trust but these are little things (to me) like how we walk our dog, or the ring thing. I am admitting my problem with that, but i think it is because I lost focus of me and the relationship. But I have been doing my home work. As far as talking, she won't. She says she isn't ready to. It's been 3 weeks. Well just last night, she called and said we have a counseling session this Friday. For some reason I don't have a good feeling that she is going to really take this seriously because of the way she was so cold to me. She didn't seem excited in the least part. She isn't the same person. She has turned into her friend that she is staying with. It scares me because the real woman I met and fell in love with is lost. I think she has some resentment towards my family. The reason is that we didn't have the big white wedding because my parents kept interfering, even after I stuck up for us. So we aloped. I am 28-this Sat. and she is 26. Well last night I broke down and told her that I have had time to soul search for myself and that I am happy with myself and the way I am going to change how I love her-for the better. I found out this morning from our neighbor-who called her last night-that she is not sure she can believe me. Well how can she when she doesn't come home for me to show her? I love this woman so deeply, but I feel like she has changed into someone else and playing games with me. I don't want to build that resentment towards her. Should I give couseling a try or should Ieave her?

September 5, 2001
2:29 pm
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Molly
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Just my two cents, but give the counseling a shot. What do you have to loose. It might be where she needs to be to say what she needs to say to you. Almost sounds like she wasn't ready to get married, and the reality of marriage knocked her for a loop. the other side of this is that some times people use counselors as a I did my best went to counseling and everything. On the Oprah site there is a marriage test, and Phil McGraw has a good book out called Relational Rescue. Could she be looking for cave man action, you woman, me man, you wife get home now????

September 5, 2001
8:26 pm
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Katherine
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I hope this will help... My husband and I went to a retreat weekend before we got married (something required by the Catholic Church) and a lot of it had to do with communication. One suggestion they had was to write a letter (we did so much writing that weekend I though my hand would fal off). Anyway, you start by saying something nice about the person... Like "I love you. It really means a lot to me when you wash the dishes" or something. Always start with the "I love you" part. It makes the rough stuff easier. Then, bring up one, and only one, issue. Talk about what it is, how it makes you feel, what you think you can do about it together. The reason for writing is that you won't bring up the old stuff that really doesn't have anything to do with the issue at hand. It keeps tempers in check. And you have to think it out, so it keeps the unnecessary junk out. Then, trade letters. Read them all the way through before speaking about them at all. Always end the way you started, those 3 little words that mean so much. It works well, it keeps us on the topic, and we don't end up shouting something like, "Well, your mom is overbearing" when that isn't the issue. As for going to counseling, I say give it a shot, cross your fingers, and be honest. Good luck!
Kate

September 6, 2001
1:18 pm
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Boods
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Well , thanks. But we went last night to a session and she was cold and heartless. The counselor even recognized that it wasn't good from her end. I was honest and sincere about everything. My wife said that she just couldn't believe that. She has completely turned into someone different from who I knew and fell in love with. But she said in counseling that "this is me".
All our friends as well as I, know that it isn't her at all. Something else if influencing her decisions.
Well, we talked in the car after the session and we ended our relationship of 6 years. I still don't think it was the right move to just throw it all away without a shot. But she doesn't want to give it that shot. I still think we have a lot to talk about.

September 6, 2001
1:33 pm
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Ladeska
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...um, just my two cents worth, but alot of times when someone changes so drastically and accuses you of anything they can find - it's them that has something to hide like a love interest on the side. Sorry to bring this up but just seen it too much. And if this is true - would this be a bad reflection on you? Not at all. Sometimes people can take someone loving them and they want to live on the hyped-up thing they call love. If it gets away from that - then they panic and don't want anything else but that. She may not know what love is and how to really commit to a life-long relationship. The coldness may be her answer of No - I'm not going there - period. And if you watch her life - you may see that really lived out...

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