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Marriage falling apart.
September 29, 2003
6:34 am
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Unhappy in Paradise
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I could sure use some advice.I have been married for 1.5 years now and my marriage is falling apart. My husband and I have been together now for nearly 7 years and have been the best of friends. We have a great relationship, except that we never really had a great sex life or passion in our union. I thought that I could compormise some passion for having such a great supportive and loving person in my life. My previous relationship was a very passionate one yet didn't work out due to lack of commitment and so I thought that perhaps this was a better way to go.

My husband is very laid back and is creative. I am very ambitious and motivated in my career. I have contributed much more financially to the relationship in the past few years and even paid for our wedding. I knew that he wasn't that ambitious when I married him, yet I somehow believed that after we got married he would grow up a little and take more responsibility. He hasn't.

We had talked about relocating to Hawaii for the past few years and finally did so a few months ago. I thought this would be a good thing for both of us. I thought this move would make us stronger as a couple. However, he has been depressed since we got here. He didn't even look for a job until I forced him to after sitting on his butt for over 2 months. I luckily got a job within a couple of weeks of getting here and have been supporting us.
To make matters worse, I find one of my coworkers very attractive which scares the crap out of me. He reminds me of my last boyfriend The one I had great sex. And, I have been having dreams about this coworker. I feel so guilty even though I haven't done anything.

I am realizing that without passion this marriage will not last. However, I have reached a point where I am no longer attracted to my husband at all. I want to leave, but he says he's willing to try. He's said this before. I just don't know that I can fall inlove with him again. I am just not in love with him anymore.
Is it possible to fall in love with the same person more than once?
I am so confused.
We're barely talking and there is no affection between us. What should I do?
How do I stop myself from dreaming of my coworker? Why is this happening?
I don't want to cheat on my husband, yet I am so scared that I will.

September 29, 2003
9:40 pm
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mj
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Hello

I for one, believe that ending relationships before starting new ones is always the healthiest.

Guilt is not an option for me.

Hope that you get more support here.
Welcome

September 29, 2003
11:07 pm
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Molly
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I co-sign that looking for greener pastures makes the problem worse, you can't be in two places at the same time. You made a commitment, you knew what you were getting when you bought it, and you were right that partnership, and friend ship makes for a more lasting relationship than passion. Passion fades, quickly too I might add. Marriage is like a business relationship, love grows with trust, and communication. It isn't the big o that makes it work, its him taking out the trash, or rubbing your feet, or making tea when you are sick.
A big no no is thinking that he would CHANGE, opps.... we are what we are, and creative people are not as ambitious as business people, and opposites do attract. Think long and hard before you leap, sex isn't all there is, however it is important, and you need to tell him what you want. Getting laid is often damn easy to easy, its finding character, integrity, loyalty, friendship, that is hard to find. Look long and hard at you, not him, look at your parents, look at your motives, look at your need for immediate gratifacation, look at your maturity, and I am not judgemental, just giving you things to think about. Move slow, and perhaps therapy would help you to process this, before you create consequences.

September 30, 2003
2:56 am
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Unhappy in Paradise
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I agree that sex isn't everything, but isn't also an essential part of a marriage. I feel that both my husband and I settled when we chose to spend the rest of our lives together.
And, I am not looking to have an affair. In fact, I think that being attracted to someone else is only a reflection of what is missing in my life. My Dad cheated on my mom when I was young and will never forget how that made me fee. I promised myself that I would never do that, so just the thought that I may be capable of hurting my husband like that makes me want to leave. I'd rather leave him than end up cheating on him. I couldn't live with myself if I ever did that. Does that make any sense???

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate the feedback.

September 30, 2003
3:39 pm
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sixfootblonde
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"I for one, believe that ending relationships before starting new ones is always the healthiest.

Guilt is not an option for me. "

Hello unhappy. I am coming out of a wrenching experience similar to what you are scared of, and understand where you are coming from. So while the above words are true, they are also a bit idealistic. Sometimes things happen, albeit not intentionally. It does hurts everyone affected by it.

As for falling in love with the same person twice, yes, I believe in it. What continues to surprise me although I know it shouldn't is the amount of work required in a marriage. One thing I wish someone had told me: don't compare the two, your hubby and coworker. It leads down a bad road....

Welcome to the site, and believe me when I say I understand what you are posting. I've been in your shoes. It's gut-wrenching....literally. I hope you find a way to a healthy place for yourself. 🙂

October 1, 2003
12:39 am
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heisthe1
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Hello,
Putting shame on him will not resolve your issue, "I want to leave, but he says he's willing to try. He's said this before."

You haven't mention that you are doing whatever it takes to keep your marriage together, um! Have a real talk about his sexual issues, maybe he's been hurt and doesn't know how to heal. You say you are best friends, be a friend, and BOTH of you seek professional counsel.

Your co-worker just may be a flopp in the bed department and your worst nightmare!

There is no perfect marriage period...
A good marriage comes from two forgiving hearts.

God bless and thank you for letting me share.

October 1, 2003
3:34 am
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Unhappy in Paradise
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Thanks guys. I really hope my marriage can and will survive this. I have my first session in therapy tomorrow. Hopefully, that will help.
I really do still love my husband.

October 1, 2003
11:05 am
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artist 2
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I'm glad to hear your'e seeing a counselor. Keep on trying!

October 1, 2003
11:42 am
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mj
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SFB, so are you saying that my thoughts are idealistic?

October 1, 2003
12:11 pm
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sixfootblonde
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I am saying that idealistically we would always be able to follow that thought. Realistically, hearts do not always follow what we know to be right. Life is a quirky thing.

I knew you would react to my post but I felt I had to post what I did anyway. I think anyone here knows that ending a relationship before starting another is preferable to trying to maintain two. However, your comment really touched something in me and I was looking to acknowledge what this new poster felt. Nothing personal meant, mj.

October 2, 2003
3:30 am
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Unhappy in Paradise
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Okay, therapy was much easier than I thought it would be. I learned about myself and why I chose a partner like my husband. I need to go through this process and figure out what is right for me. My expectations have certainly changed since the wedding and my husband doesn't fit my definition of a husband. I know he loves me. I'm just not sure that it's enough.
It's not fair for me to even want him to change. I just thought that he would grow up on his own after the wedding and saying that he wants a family. What was I thinking, marrying a 40 yr old whose never been independent. How much can a 41 yr old really change?Especially, one who is content with allowing others to take care of him.

I've enabled him for so long that I really did him a dis-service, just like his parents.

But, I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that we will both learn and grow from this. Even if not together.
My goal now is to work through this process and figure out what will make me happy in the long run I dont want to end up resenting my husband down the road.
I will not do anything about my attraction towards my coworker, and hope to always be able to hold my head up high.
Wish me luck.

October 2, 2003
2:38 pm
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artist 2
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That is so cool, Unhappy. Glad to hear you're going to stick things out. Relationships can be great learning experiences.

October 3, 2003
11:21 am
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mj
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Good LUCK....and keep us up-to-date on your progress UP short for YOU know 😉

October 18, 2003
1:16 pm
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dutch
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October 18, 2003
10:18 pm
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unhappy camper
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Dear dutch
Tell us more when you can please.
OK???

October 19, 2003
7:34 am
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dumbdumb
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got married for a year. husband has very short fuse, when conflicts arised, he packes up & to a hotel. I have called him back in the past after a night, didn't want him to think I didn't care, but this time I am determined not to call. If he comes back, it's ok. But serious counselling is in order. If not, does that means he doesn't love me anymore?

October 19, 2003
7:41 am
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dumbdumb
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I am so mad at him for leaving in an anger and seemed not to care about how I feel and how that's going to affect my 13 year old daughter. We've got a lot going on. We can't just throw away our marriage like that? He is so sick to figure that out!

October 19, 2003
7:45 am
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dumbdumb
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I know he is hurting as much as I am. When I call, he'll burst into tears and we will start over. But I really am afraid by calling him, I will cater to his childish behavior again and again. His ex didn't call him and he was hurting for 5 years waiting for her phone call any second. What do I do with people like this?

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