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Marriage differences would like to hear some good advise
March 5, 2007
12:28 pm
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sortaconfused
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March 5, 2007
12:47 pm
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sortaconfused
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Hello! I have visited this site last August and September. Only posted once and didn't give alot of info. I guess you could say I'm still confused. I am married with two beautiful girls. My husband and I were raised very different. I was raised by a single mom, very strict, used manners, had responsibilities, went to church 3 nights a week. Over all I think I had a wonderful upbringing and childhood. My mother wasn't perfect but she did her best with instilling good things in us. My husband on the other hand didn't attend church regular, his dad worked all the time and his parents ended marriage when he was 9, his mother had him for about 2 years. Both his parents seem to talk negative about each other. In our marriage, he works alot, does spend time with the children, however, I feel that he doesn't demonstrate correct or proper correcting or teaching with the children. Oh, there is lots more to tell I just don't want to bore the readers of this. My question is, we have already been to a counselor(which he didn't follow through with) I want to go back and will but how can a marriage be worked on if only one will go to the counselor and I feel he has some serious issues that he needs to work on before moving forward. I asked him to leave last July and he did. I had some realistic expectations from him and when he came back to the home he has fulfilled some of them. All at first and little by little stopped some. At times I am reminded that I asked him to leave and he had no home. The lastest comment was that if that ever happened again he'd just stop working. The problem I have is I've tried to tell him the threats he gives me don't bother me anymore. I believe I don't need him. I am a strong person. I feel unhappy in the situation though. Thanks for listening.

March 5, 2007
1:56 pm
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nappy
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What is you really unhappy about?

The way he is with the children or is there really something else that is going on?

March 6, 2007
10:42 am
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sortaconfused
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nappy,
I think I'm just an independent, set in my ways,type of person, he's a wonderful provider and a very giving person, sometimes too giving. I just think we have two total different ways to raise children. However, I didn't have a father in the home, so I only saw a mother as the disciplinary and mentor and example. I think he says and does things that are totally wrong to the children. (Confusing things) I don't see that he is fully happy in the relationship and he admits he isn't. He thinks I'm too controlling or wanting things my way. During the week, we have work, check homework, soccer practice and games and church on Wed and Sundays. The kids go to be by 9:00. He works from 8:00 until 5:00, 6:00 or 7:00 in his peak season. He's not a morning person and I've only heard Good morning about a dozen times since 2004 when we bought a home (only because I insisted of buying instead of renting). He's ran up credit card bills of which he's working hard to pay off. That was another reason I asked him to leave last July...I don't believe in credit card debt. I think the only reason he did go to the counselor is after he went to a lawyer and found out about paying child support and alimony. I just am I happy morning person and I'm very content with everyday life and activities with the children. They will be gone one day and I think every parent should enjoy until then.

March 6, 2007
12:18 pm
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Both my husband and I grew up in 2-parent households. But when our kids were half-grown, we really did hit some conflicts over child-rearing. He really allowed them to make their own decisions. When they were making poor decisions, or maybe not the ones I thought they should, I would get upset.....and look around for some support from him. But he really felt no compunction to fight and argue with them about stuff. I became the controlling bad guy, and I hated the role. I felt I was trying to instill goals and values, self-discipline, etc.

Miraculously, our kids are very responsible adults as far as providing for themselves and families. They are so kind and loving towards others. I just don't think they got that from their controlling mother.....did we actually give them a good contrast of extremes so they made some good choices??? Who knows?

My disappointments are that they didn't finish college and they don't incorporate church into their lives. I KNOW that doesn't make them bad people. So.....some of the directing we do has to be as much for ourselves as "for them".

You know you both love your children.

I always wanted my husband to become the guy who loved to stay home and putter around the house and love to repair stuff. He is just so NOT that guy and never will be. On the days when I can accept that, and just love him for the charming happy guy he tends to be, we're OK.

Sometimes when we argued, we would "polarize" each other....you know, kind of "force" the other one into taking a rigid STAND about something that really wasn't necessary. When you say you don't "believe" in credit card debt....what I hear is that you don't like cc's used in an irresponsible way, but the actual fact of just having a couple that you use responsibly is a real asset when you go to make a house purchase or whatever.

Rather than making so many "rules" for him like a mother does.....you really have to trust him to be the other adult in your family. So, if you continue to go to councelling without him, maybe you could ask the councelor HOW one goes about phrasing these requests respectfully. I didn't do it right. I tried to set up the rules for him as well as the kids, and it would have worked much better if I'd felt he was turstworthy. He wasn't. I just didn't know how to get him to shoulder that.

In retrospect, I think he was approaching a time in his own life when he wasn't feeling as successful as he'd hoped -- didn't like that there was never enough money, etc.

Maybe the counselor could help you come up with questions for him that would give more insight. Like, what does HE want for the children? What would HE like to see his wife be like or to be doing at this point in your lives? At least you'll be getting his perspective and he will feel like you are listening to him and then maybe he won't be acting like a belligerant passive-aggressive child.

Sorry if I'm coming off too blunt. I just know how banging my head against the wall (HIS wall) didn't do one earthly bit of good. And showing him the door would have really been hard on the kids. If they see you argue and resolve things, that's truly a gift. SOMETIMES, we were able to do that!

March 6, 2007
1:28 pm
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nappy
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To me it just sound like that you are tired of the marriage and you want out.

Also that you are capable of taking care of the childrens and yourself.

I am also set in my ways, and having never been married and I know now the reason that I am not. After raising my boys, I just felt like that I didn't want to raise another grown person. I love my space and don't have to put up with any other the other crap that I read that other people on this site is putting up with. Life is to short to be sad and I am a happy person anyway, so I rather be happy and single, then to be in a marriage that I am not happy.

March 7, 2007
10:19 am
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sortaconfused
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Brynnie & Nappy,
Thanks so much for your advise! I do believe I have trouble trusting him. When I'm not around he bad mouths me and the youngest child to the older child(11). He tells the oldest that he's sorry she has to put up with a spoiled brat(right in front of the youngest) He tells the oldest child about things in my past. I don't feel this is healthy. My oldest is very smart. I raised her from 9 months to 6 years alone....she doesn't like anyone to talk about her mother. I don't think any child likes anyone to talk about their mother. My mother always talked bad about my father and I knew when I became a mother I wouldn't do that and I haven't. When her father bad mouth me the last time...she told me she felt he's always trying to make himself look better than me or to be better. So when the door opened for me to let him know she didn't like him to talk bad about me, I did. Now all he says to her is..."I'm not talking bad about your mom, but I don't like when she does this(whatever it is) to you. So what's the difference....none in my opinion. I just think this is very confusing. She's expressed her unhappiness with her father many times. She's went as far as saying she wishes I would divorce him and marry a Godly man....So what is a mother to think of all this? You both have give me a great deal to think about and there is still so much more...please write back...I really appreciate you both. Have a great day!

March 7, 2007
5:09 pm
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nappy
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Well I do know that when children don't like someone, there is a good reason why.
I never talk bad to my children about there father. They had often ask why I wasn't with him anymore and I just told them that we didn't get along. It was the truth.
But I'm just glad that I don't have to put up with another adult person in my home. I did that already and I know for sure that I don't want that again.

I have problems trusting others but only until I know them and then they could be putting on an act. I will tell and once I know that this is not for me, then I learn to let go.

I wish that I could give you something that you want to hear but all in all, you will have to make that choice.

It is so funny now that back in the days, marriage was a June and ward Clever kind of life but in reality and I mean reality, there is a lot of people who is trying so hard to get out of there marriage because they have realize that it is hard, they don't want it anymore and that they was just doing it because they was brought up that of way but I see that this marriage thing is going to be deleted in the future and people are going to be just living together until something goes wrong and then they could just leave.

March 7, 2007
9:28 pm
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Mr Niceguy
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Hi Sortaconfused. Children are very important, and there is more than one right way to raise them. But you seem to be questioning everything in terms of the children and I would suggest asking yourself about you and him. I don't know ...maybe fast-forward to a time when your children will be grown and independent and ask yourself if you will be in love with your man, will he be in love with you. Does he ever want to please you - just plain please you? Do you ever want to please him? I don't just mean in bed (although that is important too). Have you ever been really in love? Can you work to grow your love? Don't forget the children, but please don't forget your relationship with your husband.

I just ended my marriage after almost 25 years. I realized that I never really loved my wife. Terrible and strange waste of time. We did a lot of neat things together, but...

So think "the two of you". Can you fix it? Do you want to fix it? Does he?

Good luck. I really hope you can fix it. Otherwise, don't waste valuable time.

March 8, 2007
7:05 pm
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Dear Sorta,

It's really upsetting that your daughter would say she wants you to divorce her father and marry a Godly man!! I don't understand how she is able to overhear these sorts of conversations so she would come to that conclusion.

Sharing "adult" stuff in front of the children .......... well, you have to be so careful. I remember one time when I was very frustrated and exasperated with their dad and I complained to my oldest and he told me I sounded like I was a "prisoner" in the house (in this relationship?). I didn't understand at first I guess, but remembering his remark now when I want to "complain" about what my husband does makes me ask myself what it is that is making me feel powerless to change a certain situation.

Pulling your kids into your arguments isn't fair. Maybe he just doesn't realize this. He's just looking for support. There has to be a way to get him to work on his "stuff" without making him feel like everyone in the family is critical of him. Maybe if just ONE person stops criticising and complaining for a while, maybe it would alter the atmosphere in the home and you'd see some balance again. Find something you CAN genuinely praise him for so he feels he is appreciated?? Just to break the cycle...

March 8, 2007
8:18 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Sorta,

At this juncture I would strongly suggest counseling for yourself, and yes, try to get him to go. He might not.

But, the most important thing that simply MUST STOP NOW is him telling your daughter anything about you, such as "bad mouthing" or putting you or the other child down to her, or most importantly sharing adult marriage related information to your child. This is his child, this is NOT his friend. That is completely unappropriate and not fair to her in any way shape or form.

Go back to counseling for yourself and start working on you - you are the only person that can change. You cannot make him change, much as you might like to. It does sound that you want out of the marriage, and maybe you do. Counseling will help you sort that out. Once you start down that path then perhaps you can get him to join you. If not, then perhaps you will feel clearer about making a decision.

Good luck,

Z.

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