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Marriage broken not going back together very well
January 14, 2005
6:26 pm
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September 27, 2010
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My wife and I married quickly after meeting while still in the bloom of infatuation and we never learned how to interact like a real couple. We spent the last 6 years avoiding confrontation and quietly getting more resentful and lonely as time went by. Well, it all blew up a couple of months ago and she confirmed to me that she had just started an affair. She stopped seeing the other man. I believe this is true because she has been very miserable for the last while and during the affair she was remarkably happy.

It's been two months since everything came apart. Some days I think this is it, its over. Other days I can see a small ray of hope. But I just don't know. I would like to continue the relationship and work out the problems but she is not convinced that it is a good idea. So we continue in this weird way acting like we are together or but feeling like we are apart.

I guess this is how these things normally go, is it? And yes, we are going to a counselor but we don't seem to get anywhere except that we are learning to communicate much better which is good.

January 14, 2005
6:37 pm
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September 24, 2010
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You are in counseling and that is a good start. Your wife was willing to end her affair and that is also something positive.

You are on the right track...



January 16, 2005
8:19 am
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I agree w/ Ren'ai. Ya'll have made a good start and trying to patch things up. May I ask if you do things together like cook dinner, pay bills, take a welk together,....things like that? That's one way to interact. Oh, you might leave bill paying out for now if you fight over it.

Keep going to counseling. Baby steps is the best way to go. One day at a time.

January 22, 2005
10:43 am
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How I identify with what is happening to you! The difference is that for 6 out of 8 years of my marriage with my husband, I was in a depression and in denial of that depression (so I didn't seek out any help), and my husband was committing adultery with several different women over that 6-year period. And this past summer, he fell in love, the first time he got emotionally involved with one of them. Oddly enough, he says he never had intercourse with this woman, although they HAD performed some sexual acts together.

I'm not going to go into specifics - there are way too many, it it would take too much space here, and this thread is for YOU, not for me - but he and I are trying to work things out now.

He has admitted to everything - all the adulteries, how much he has hurt me and our two daughters (the oldest is only 7). That he is suffering from long-term depression and is an Internet addict. Just that admission I know to be huge. To have any addict, regardless of the object of their addiction, to actually admit they ARE an addict, is incredible.

He's going to start individual therapy next Tuesday, 1/25/05. I am very glad for this, and this is one of the conditions of our staying together and trying to rebuild our relationship.

But I got so scared yesterday, Friday, 1/21/05. Thank God, though, he DID tell me how he was feeling - THAT in itself (to me) is a positive thing.

He said thoughts and feelings for this other woman came flooding back yesterday. How much he feels for her, that he really does love her and can picture himself with her. I have to add that she is currently married, now apparently separated, with 4 kids, and her husband apparently has a court order to take all 4 kids away from her - her life is a disaster that she's made for herself).

One of the plans they had made was to run away together (his words yesterday) to go to Cedar Point, Ohio, to ride the roller coasters together. It's something they both love and they wanted to do it together.

Strikes me they're like little kids who don't like what's going on in their lives now, so they want to pack their little bag and just take off. My husband is 31, she is 30.

(He also said the classic line most people in affairs are known to say. This woman is "so much" like me, and we could be such good friends.)

I feel for you, Urban, so much. I am out on such a limb right now, desperately trying to trust what he's saying - now, that he DOES want to stay with me and work through this - and yet, my heart has been torn apart and the wounds are still so fresh.

I have no answers, how I wish I had answers for myself and for you.

Communication is an enormous key, and the one good thing happening right now (the part that really does give me hope) is that my husband and I ARE talking a lot about us. That he DID immediately tell me of his thoughts yesterday - and he didn't act upon them (such as going to her house or even just calling her). Yes, I'm trusting that he didn't do any of that, but that is the horrible risk I'm taking.

I'd like to recommend 2 books to you, and you may know or know of 1:

Codependent No More - excellent book

Boundaries in Marriage - another excellent book, but I'll tell you upfront, it is a Christian-based book, so if that is something you don't gravitate to, then you don't want to read it.

Continue with counseling if it feels right to do it, also consider individual counseling for yourself. That's one thing that is helping me so much right now. And it's all for ME. Take care of YOURSELF!


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