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marriage breakup
January 30, 2001
9:54 am
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kkath
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my husband has just informed me that he is having an affair and doesnt want us to live together any more he says he still cares about me and wants to be friends.We have two children and i am pregnant with our third child.Ifeel very tearful at the moment and wonder when the pain will stop and i can put my life back together

January 30, 2001
1:51 pm
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Dakoda
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Breaking up is never an easy thing but if your husband is having an affair then it is for the best. As for the children, believe me it is the best for them too. Unfortunately it's going to be a hard road but now is time to rely on your friends and family and maybe an outside person for support and advise. It's nothing easy to go through but I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and if the only reason is to make you stronger it will. Suggestion for you and the kids... keep them somewhat inlight of what is going on. Trying to protect them by not telling them could only make it harder for them to grieve and move on. Details aren't important just that daddy is no longer living here and assure them that they will see him (if that is the case) and/or that you are there for them.

Good luck and take care. You will make it, it will just take some time. Stay strong!!

January 30, 2001
5:16 pm
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kkath
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thanks for your reply we will tell our children soon and our families which i am dreading it will bring al the raw emotions back. Hopefully me and my husband will be able to stay friends.

January 30, 2001
5:40 pm
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Molly
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I am so sorry for you, and isn't his timing great. Boy, I would be so vindictive, don't cry, don't sit in your pain, and I can't even imagine your shock. You didn't say how far along you are, but I would definately let your ob/gyn know what is going on with you. I would also seek counseling, you need to talk, and deal with the anger that will soon be washing over you. Protect your self financially, and make sure this guy pays, freeze the accounts etc. I would hold off on telling the kids, but I would be on the phone in a heart beat to his parents, making them aware of what a ... and the bomb he dropped on you, then I would ask your folks to help you out with the other 2 kids, unless they keep your mind active, reach out for support, and don't wait for him to tell his parents, let him get the call from his mom maybe she can help you out too.

January 30, 2001
5:47 pm
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kkath
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thanks for the reply .Iam 6 months pregnant.Idont want to do anything nasty to him because he does love our children and he wouldnt do any thing to hurt them . he says the house will be mine and he will continue to pay the bills. writing this and reading the replies is a great help.

January 30, 2001
10:52 pm
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Alena
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Another husband who is leaving wife and children for something on the side, but still cares and wants to be friends.

UGH.

kkath, your emotions haven't even begun to kick in yet. Right now, you believe everything he tells you because you're in shock. When your "fight or flight" reflex kicks in, chances are real good that you're going to feel differently.
Molly is right, read her post again.
Or at least refer back to it in a few days or weeks when he is not holding up his "friendly" part of his story.

Take good care of yourself and your children, make them and you your number one priority at this time.

January 30, 2001
11:28 pm
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lost soul
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I am so sorry to hear this. Take care & everything will turn out fine. It's just a matter of time.

It is no point thinking that the spouse is basically a good person! A good person will not do harmful acts towards his/her spouse & children.

Be strong!!!. I know how sour you are at this moment.

January 31, 2001
4:38 am
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kkath
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thanks again for your kind replies .I do wonder wether what he says is the truth because he has obviously lied to me already. I wish i could see myself in 6 months and hope things would be easier and the pain would be easing.My feelings and thoughts are all mixed I dont know what to do.I need to tell my parents be dont know where to start they will be upset and angry, my father has just retired from work today and i want my parents to have a nice day.
(sorry for any spelling mistakes)

January 31, 2001
8:24 pm
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Molly
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Ok let dad have a nice day, then tommorow, you call him, and tell him, that your husband just left you for the woman he has been bonking on the side while you have been gestating his third child! Sure they will be angry and you should be to, I am sure you are in shock. I sure hope your dad is an old fashioned man, with a shot gun in the rack of his truck, and he finds his son in law, and forces him to be a man, like they did in the old days, just a fantasy moment.

Lady, this guy wouldn't hurt the kids, well what about leaving THEM for another woman, hurting their mother, breaking committments, breaking up the family, being a cheat, liar, and depriving his family of his time, and I guess he never took her out to dinner or rented hotels, so depriving them of finance isn't an issue either, probbally never bought her flowers, or trinkets.Needless to say the risk of bringing home a disease?????????? He said he would love you for ever, honor cherish and obey, now you trust that he will pay the bills, and let you keep the house?????? I am telling you protect your children and your self financially. You don't think when the new woman wants a new what ever, that she is going to celebrate the alimony, and childsupport, and does this guy make enough money to support two house holds, there is no way you can support all of this on your own. do you work now? I am sure if you do, a good attourney would suggest that you take a leave of abscense due to emotionall and physicall distress, and will give it to him good, how can you pay for day care for three children???You can't leave them alone, and can't expect family to pick up the mess he has left you with.
Get angry, and get active protecting your self and most of all the children, when you are exhausted trying to hold things together financially all alone with a baby and two children, just how much do you think you will be able to give them?

February 1, 2001
12:01 am
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solitary
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Your story is somewhat similar to mine..so I feel like we are in the same boat. I can tell you are in a state of shock and somewhat denial...reality will sink in in a few days. But I will tell you this.. the pain gradually decreases. I discovered my shocking news almost 2 weeks ago and I know the pain has not completed evaded me but I feel myself getting stronger. I am 5 months pregnant and I am trying my best to keep myself strong and healthy for the new life that I am about to bring to the world. Don't give your husband too much credit..how can you hold a friendship with a man that decieved you in such a way? I don't think leaving my wife and kids for another woman is grounds for a friendship. However, do remain cordial for the children's sake. Start to involve your family and other support systems, they are an important part of the healing process. Believe me it helps! Anyway, goodluck with whatever you do.

P.s. You should also try counseling.. it works for me!!

February 1, 2001
3:20 am
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lost soul
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It is so sad to hear these stories. It takes lots of courages and wills to put through this difficult moment. Like what solitary said the pain will gradually decrease.

I feel that these men who have brought so much misery to their wife are real jerks!!! They should all go to hell!!!

February 1, 2001
4:28 am
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kkath
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thanks again for all the replies. I will write again later

February 1, 2001
9:42 pm
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Molly
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Lost soul, when reality hits them so will their hell, it is amazing how this shit catches up with them. Karma

February 1, 2001
9:55 pm
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Ash
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You've been presented with a terrible situation. One that you've probably never experienced before, so you don't know what direction to turn. You're in a state of deep shock, and it's going to take some time for you to get over this. There's really not much you can do to make things better anytime soon. The only thing you can do is be strong for your children. They need you. I myself went through this one year ago come March. Words can not describe my emotions or my mental state. I did not go to my family for support right away. I did however take the step to get counseling for myself to help restore balance in my life - to find myself again. I've been in therapy for seven months now and it has helped me tremendously. I am not the same person I used to be. If anything, I have become a stronger person. This is just a suggestion to help you with that mysterious question "WHY". The book is called 'Surviving the Affair'. Trust me on this one. If it doesn't help you, or if it doesn't help your relationship should you chose to work things out, it most certainly will help with any future relationships you might have. Best of luck to you - be strong. Feel free to send me an email: [email protected]

February 3, 2001
5:09 pm
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kkath
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I appreciate all these replies if anyone else has been through similar please write .I realise that i am not the only person going through this many other have.

March 4, 2001
2:31 pm
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kathcake
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feeling alot stronger now still on speaking terms realise that i will never want him back but will obviously need his financial support

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