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Marriage Advice Needed
October 19, 1999
11:05 am
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TT
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I have read some of the information on this board and wondered if you could help me with "my problem". I am a 41 year old female who is divorced and re-married. I am very much in love with my husband, however, I have become very suspicious that he may be "interested" in someone else.

To give you a bit of background: My first husband left me after 2 years of marriage. He had been having an affair of which I knew nothing about, for a year prior to leaving so needless to say, I was very distraught.

I married a wonderful man about 5 years ago who had been a friend of mine for many years and, until recently, thought we had a normal marital relationship.

The last business he worked for, a "beautiful" woman was the President. My husband turned her company around and sold it and made her several million dollars. She is about 35 years old with 2 young children in a "loveless" marriage. I became "suspicious" when , about 1 year after he left her employment, I came across e-mails that they were exchanging.

Though not sexual in nature, they indicated frequent meetings for lunches and after work drinks. My husband was also interested in helping her with her "golf game" and he goes every Sunday to the Hospital Childrens Cancer Center--to volunteer his time for "her cause". These e-mails shared all up to date news on what was going on in their lives.--Trips, books read, etc. He even ordered books that he recommended she read from Amazon and had them send to her--"Tuesday With Morrie" and other "meaning of life" books--so obviously they discuss more that business. A few months ago, I confronted him about the e-mails and he indicated that there was nothing going on and I sincerely believed him. He insisted that she is just a really good friend that he is comfortable with and enjoys her company.

A month or so ago I obtained his new e-mail password and could not help myself--I looked and sure enough, they are still meeting for lunches. He even takes her daughter out (6 years old)for lunch and sends her electronic birthday cards--something he doesn't even do for his own nieces of the same age.

I have confronted him with the latest e-mail "finds" and he continues to insist that this is a good friend of his. I feel sick to my stomach. This woman is beautiful; rich and has 2 children (we will not be able to have any). In his Daytimer the other day he had 2 hours blocked out for lunch for this woman. I specifically asked him what he did for lunch that day and he never mentioned that he had lunch with her--to me that implied that he is "hiding" this relationship.

Am I just crazy, paranoid and jealous given my previous marriage experience? Should I confront him again? I just don't think it is appropriate for him to have this type of emotional relationship with an unhappily married, beautiful woman with children that he really likes. I have met her one time and he never mentions any of these meetings.

I don't want to get "stuck" like I did in the last marriage--what should I do? I don't want him to have anything to do with her or the "Hospital Charity" she runs. On the other hand--I don't want to dictate his friends either.

Thank you for your help.

October 20, 1999
8:17 am
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TT
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Would someone please help me. I am obsessing over this. Thanks.

October 20, 1999
7:29 pm
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VRJ
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I can't say anything for sure and I really hate to say anything because it's hard to tell. There is something wrong. You can feel it in your gut right? I can't tell you what's wrong. It could be codependancy. Go get some counselling for yourself. Ask him to come but go even if he doesn't. It takes two to have an unhealthy relationship. Healthy people aren't attracted to and won't put up with unhealthy people for the most part, and vice versa. Concentrate on yourself. Prayers.

October 20, 1999
7:59 pm
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everblue
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Hi TT,

I think it's possible that your husband is telling the truth, but I hate to say it sounds more likely that if he's hiding the relationship from you there is more to it than just friendship. You probably will never get the truth from confronting him. The real issue here is that regardless of whether or not he is physical with her, there IS an affair of some type. He is spending time with and caring for another woman when he knows that it hurts you. He could be spending that time with you, having those discussions with you, sending cards to his own nieces... A respectful husband who cares about his marriage will not continue to see someone so much if he knows how much it bothers you. Also, there is a trust issue anyway if you feel the need to sneak into his email. I agree with VRJ - go to some counseling. Try to bring him, but go alone if he won't. You shouldn't dictate his friendships, but his friendships shouldn't dictate YOUR happiness in the marriage. Good luck.

-everblue

October 20, 1999
7:59 pm
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Anonymous
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It sounds like you have an unhealthy relationship in several areas tt (sorry to say)
1. No honesty, because he is hiding this relationship from you and so is the other woman
2. He is spending time with her daughter? come on, that is ridiculous!
3. Your natural intuition is guiding you towards something you dont want to admit and you are not trusting it. YOu need to trust these feelings and you need to ASSERT yourself. He is emotionally involved with this woman and this is a betrayal to you and your marriage.
Please see a therapist regarding your past and current history with cheating men. This is codependency and you are continuing to attract men who disrespect and do not commit to you ( not to mention deceitful )
Blessings TT See our codependency threads for insight into others with similar relationship problems

October 21, 1999
1:19 pm
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TT
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I had an honest discussion with my husband last night. He seems to understand how I feel and indicates that he will only see her if there is a "business discussion need". He didn't offer to stop doing the "hospital charity" thing. I also asked him when the last time he saw her was--he lied--and said it was for lunch a few weeks ago. I know for a fact he had breakfast with her last Friday while I was out of town on a business trip. Should I continue to "snoop" in his e-mail?

October 21, 1999
2:02 pm
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site coordinator
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I'M NOT SURE WHO POSTED THE BELOW MESSAGE...

Oh TT - This is heavy. As to whether or not you should dictate his friends, the answer in this case
is yes. Even if they are just friends. He would have a very very big problem if the shoe was on the
other foot. We shouldn't have close personal relationships with other people, not because it would
threaten our feelings for our spouse, but because it would threaten their feelings and their trust in
us. My husband, against my wishes, met with my boss and told him to stay away from me? I was so
angry with him, but it worked. Also, there was this girl that my husband worked with who had a
crush on him. He would answer "there is nothing between us - it's perfectly innocent". One day she
had her hands all over him and I walked up, grabbed her arms, and told her to keep her hands off
him. That worked too.

Sometimes you just have to fight for your man.

Maybe you should Email her and have lunch with her. Tell her that you understand that nothing is
going on, but that she should know that he is your husband, and that you intend to keep it that
way. That if she needs moral support, she should take all her money and hire a psychologist. I would
just say to her that it is very important that you meet with her to discuss some things, at her
convenience. I would also tell her that you look forward to meeting with her, and that lunch is on
you, at the place of her choice. In addition, ask that she not tell your husband about it - that it is a
secret.

Then when you meet with her, you tell her that your husband has assured you that it is all very
innocent, and that you are sure that it is, but that as you stated above, you just don't think it is
appropriate that your husband, who is a happily married man, have this type of emotional
relationship with an unhappily married, beautiful woman with children. Tell her that what starts off
as innocent doesn't always remain innocent, and that alot of people will end up getting hurt - her
children included. Tell her that you do not intend on giving up your husband, and that you would
appreciate it if she looks to others for support during this difficult time in her life. Tell her that you
sympathize with her, that you went through a very difficult divorce once, but that you don't intend
to do it again. Give her a psychologist's phone number.

Tell her that you would rather her not discuss this with your husband, because he believes it to
truly be innocent.

All of the above, should your husband find out that you discussed with her, would probably not
upset him. You are fighting for your man, and men get off on that. Also, you would then tell your
husband that often men think women's intentions are innocent when they are not. Also tell him that
you felt she should know that she was overstepping her boundaries - and that she would not
necessarily understand it until she heard it from you.

I might also suggest that you have a man friend of your husband's talk with him and tell him that if
he truly loves you, that he surely must understand that you are not a three person kind of girl, and
that he must cut off these meetings so as not to destroy your trust in him. That trust is something
you earn, and a very precious gift.

- SIGNED, ??

October 22, 1999
2:13 pm
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daizy
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I'm begining to think that having a meeting with her, might not be such a bad idea. I don't think I would hide it from your husband, just maybe not tell him until after the fact. If he gets upset, then I would start to wonder if something weren't going on - because honestly if nothing is going on and you met with her, then he has nothing to worry or be upset about. On the other hand if you meet and he is happy you did so, then I feel you could rest assured.
I have to agree, that even if nothing sexually is going on, they are both overstepping boundries of emotional connections. Yes, I believe that a married person can have friends of either sex, but as a rule family should always come first.

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