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Marley Are you Here
March 2, 2004
11:17 am
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March 2, 2004
11:18 am
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marley
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HEWWO!

March 2, 2004
11:48 am
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So yeah i didnt get out of it, and i need to but I didnt. We went to the movie together went back to my place, had sex, and then bam another fight, like always, this time though after the fight he told me that he isnt good for a relationship because he wants to have his life in order first. He wants to have a job etc. He doesnt have a job yet, has been looking, and that he is stressed about that, I understand that, but its really just weird Marley I mean weird weird. LIke the things we do are very strange and I mean sexually, just odd.

March 2, 2004
11:50 am
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marley
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Aces -

This thread is easier for me - not as much scrolling.

Sex after you fight? This is not weird this is the key indicator of people who have issues with intimacy - it is like warning warning you may care about this person get out NOW Save your SELF.

I don't know that is just my opinion, I used to be like that a lot, now I am pretty much over sex, it causes lots of problems. Like what does it mean to me, to him? How many people HAS he had sex with since the last time? How many people does he THINK I had sex with since the last time?

You know what I mean? Who needs the DRAMA! But it does feel good . . . I am obviously very indecisive by nature, so I can never stick to what I say/believe.

March 2, 2004
11:57 am
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NOOOO Fighting AFTER sex, always like an intimacy thing problem he has

March 2, 2004
12:01 pm
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marley
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I wrote it wrong sorry - although it is really the same issue. Fear of intimacy, fear about lots of things. Sex makes you forget everything for a little while but when it is over all your fear is still there.

About him wanting to get a job and get his life in order, so what? How does that HAVE to impact his relationship/feelings for you? If he wants to be with you - doesn't he understand that you will support his efforts to find a job and work? Does he think you want him to lounge around all day waiting for you to call (secretly, I would have kept my ex locked in my apartment to use him at my convenience but I could never quite lure him in).

And that he "isn't good for a relationship" line. My god have I heard that like a broken record! This is their "get out of jail free card" so beware. This way whenever you ask him to do something that he doesn't want to do he can say "I told you I am not ready for a relationship" or whatever. You deserve better than this. We all do!

Not that I should talk, I am still debating skirt or slacks for the airport - I annoy myself.

March 2, 2004
12:32 pm
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Skirt definitly, and dont worry I annoy myself too, you crack me up, you are so funny, yeah I think it almost got me too, because that was the first time we actually talked about things, where he opened up a little. I do know the stress of not having a job it sucks, and i do understand it, but then if he doesnt want to have a relationship or CANT then he shouldnt have sex
PLus I did something really really really dumb last night

March 2, 2004
12:37 pm
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nancee
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Can I join in here? My guy had/has huge intimacy issues. He would be really cuddly and affectionate before sex and then after, it's like he would just zone out. Not like guys who just roll over and go to sleep, he would just get really distant. Not much cuddling, he acted like it made him uncomfortable. I said on the other thread, Marley, that I have been trying to think of the things that I miss about him. Sex is one of them, but don't I deserve to be with someone who will acknowledge my presence afterward instead of putting up that wall so his feelings don't escape? He still hasn't responded to my email. I don't even know if he's at work today or anything. I've made progress because a month ago I would have been crying by now and probably would have called to see if he is at work and tried to talk to him. Not today. If he doesn't answer me, he's got real problems. I have every right to ask how he is doing, just wish I didn't say I miss him. But, like you said, I can't take it back now. I'm just going to try to enjoy the rest of my day and not dwell on it.

March 2, 2004
12:40 pm
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marley
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Nancee -

good idea, I wouldn't dwell on it! And aren't you proud of yourself for all the progress you have made? I was a disaster for like 48 hours after my ex didn't email me back, but then I realized, hey I have lived through the past 48 hours and the only one making it miserable is me! I haven't been terribly upset since then, so more power to you.

March 2, 2004
12:40 pm
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I know what you mean though, Ron kinda does that well he doesnt get unaffectionate just starts fight, I really kinda think its like this I just got too close to you now I have to push you away, but I could be way off base here you know. I dont know anymore, Im confused, plus here is the werid thing and I really need help on this, He took pics of me, and we are talking UP CLOSE pics, and Im kinda worried, he took them last night, they are Very graphic, what do i do now

March 2, 2004
12:42 pm
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marley
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Aces -

ok - out with it! what is the really really dumb thing?

Skirt really? I was kind of leaning that way, but I have this really cute brown suit with a pale yellow silk camisole I was gonna wear . . . the skirt is like black with almost a plaid type white stripe pattern on it (kind of catholic school girl throw back) wraps around . . .

decisions decisions decisions - and only 30 more hours to go!

March 2, 2004
12:45 pm
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30 more hours, I know you have the butterflies dont you, okay so I wrote it above I think our threads got crossed, it was really really stupid, suits look really good too though, kinda professional, what kind of clothes does he like, the professional type of the girlie type??
By the way Marley you never told me how old you were, Im 25

March 2, 2004
12:48 pm
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nancee
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Marley, did you change your mind about picking him up at the airport? I must have missed something. What changed your mind?

March 2, 2004
12:59 pm
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She loves him thats what,,, love makes you do crazy things, how are you today Nanc?

March 2, 2004
1:02 pm
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marley
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OK -

bottom line, I am gonna wait to see if he calls me from Dallas (he has a layover there I think), but I will go to the airport at 4 pm b/c yes I love him and I am intelligent enough to have figured out what flight he SHOULD be on (not that many flights out of San Jose in a day, ya know?)

I am 28. OLD!

He likes slutty girls - like Christina Aquilera, so I try to NOT dress like that, cuz I think he just likes to look at them, not like he likes them.

He always likes it when I dress for work (I am an attorney/accountant) - although he is a slob. Odd isn't it?

Anyway, I am down to brown suit or knee length school girl type skirt with white button up top. It is like the school girl v. business woman. After a month, what do you think is the best way to play it?

Aces - so the really dumb thing you did, we already talked about it?

March 2, 2004
1:05 pm
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nancee
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I'm hanging in there today. I know all about love making you do crazy things. And I think you are right about your guy starting fights because he feels like he got too close to you. I was describing my ex's behavior to my counselor and she said sounds like he has a classic case of fear of intimacy. Instead of making me run, it just made me more sympathetic toward him. I haven't seen him since Dec 18. I talked to him 2 wks ago and then the email thing today. I couldn't keep him away from me between Thanksgiving and Christmas and then he just shut down on me. Thinks he needs some time to get his life straightened out...he is going through a divorce. I think part of what happened is that we got too close and it scared him. Does that sound way off base to you?

March 2, 2004
1:08 pm
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nancee
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Marley,
I would go for the school girl look, but that's just me. And never think you're old. I'm in my 30's and still haven't got the men/life/relationships thing figured out. I'm learning though....
Nan

March 2, 2004
1:08 pm
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Marley the dumb thing I did I wrote in a couple threads or a couple things above,,, the picture thing scroll up you will see it trust me.. Thats odd, Im a paralegal at a law firm, we do have a lot in common,, look at that,,,,, so definilty suit I would do the suit, besides its winter and skirt might look cold,, you know,,, so does he know you will be there,,,,, yeah dumb thing I did, trust me very very dumb,,, what if he shows those pics to anyone, OMG>..

March 2, 2004
1:39 pm
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bruha
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Thanks Marley: I will try to focus on the realization he just like to look. Maybe I think blondes do have more fun but I do not want to change my hair. Anyway, I will keep working with this input.

March 2, 2004
1:54 pm
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marley
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Aces -

I missed it you were right! OMG, well is he the malicious type, I mean would he try to hurt you just because he can? And where do you think he would put them, on the web or something?

We do have a lot in common, funny. I am leaning towards the suit too, he can catch me in the skirt on a casual day.

Where do you work? Do you like being a paralegal? I am working as an accountant right now until I find a good lawyer job . . . market has been rough.

March 2, 2004
2:31 pm
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yeah I know, I like being a paralegal looked at law school at DU but now Im just going to start my MA in June for Criminal Justice.... Yeah I do like this job though, its fun, always keeps my mind thinking I worked at a tax accounting place too, pay roll all that fun stuff,,, where did you go to law school at? Okay so I have something else to tell you too, so I had to go get the morning after pill this morning, and he is all freaked out, I mean geez, hes like really freaked out, telling me on the phone its not worth it, I dont get it, whats so hard about benig supportive

March 2, 2004
2:38 pm
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marley
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What do you mean he is freaked out, and saying it is not worth it? Does he want to have a baby? What is his deal? Is he the kind of guy who would want you to get pregnant so you could never leave him - like ultra controlling?

I mean was he freaked out for you or what?

Just out of curiosity - what did you want him to say?

I started law school at DePaul in Chicago and finished st DU in may of 2002. I am doing an LLM in Tax Law right now, so hopefully one day I will have a real job!

March 2, 2004
3:46 pm
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No he was freaked out that I would be pregnant, saying that, like sex itsnt worth this, worrying about being prego,, I mean hello Im the one that has to take the stupid pill, Im the one that had to go get it he doesnt have to do anything I dont know why he is freaking about it so much, I mean geez,,, so what kind of law do you like?

March 2, 2004
4:06 pm
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marley
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He sounds like he doesn't really like to think about stuff before he acts, huh? My EX was like that and sometimes you know I forget I am no longer on birth control, etc etc etc. But it is my JOB to REMIND him - I mean is it that hard to remember? I guess it is b/c I never think about it.

Anyway, I enjoy business law mostly, I am getting more interested in trusts and estates, but generally I like corporate, partnership and LLC type stuff. I am hoping to get into tax planning when I finish this program, who knows?

What kind of law do you do at your firm?

March 2, 2004
4:11 pm
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We do all law, mainly insurance subrogation, criminal, torts, stuff like that I like criminal law a lot. Soooo you didnt tell me does he know you are going to be at the airport? Have you heard from him at all while he is in COsta? What are you going to say to him?

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