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Manipulative men who say they love you then run?
April 16, 2007
5:38 am
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burningup
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Ok, question. This is probably the dumbest question out there but oh well, I have to ask it.

I was just laying here in my bed reflecting on the experience that I had where I felt totally connected, intense intimacy, trust perhaps a little too quick. He seemed to admire me and want me badly. Then he doesn't and I'm dumped. He walked away and I had a hard time believing it, like he didn't even care at all, didn't even think about me. Wow, how can he be so intense, gain my trust and then not care?

Then a light bulb went off in my head. LOL. Is this a pattern some guys/men display to get sex? Maybe because they wouldn't otherwise so easily get it? I wonder if he does this regularly, like a manipulative tactic.

He just didn't love me anymore that much. But perhaps it was never about me, you know what I mean? I think I'm going to be more cautious from now on. I put too much trust in people.

April 16, 2007
7:03 am
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healintime
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Hi Burningup,

I believe, in my soul, that kind of man is a "breed." I actually don't think it's about the sex so much as about the high of pursuing and wooing and then the need to stay in control when it becomes "real." Those kinds of guys are, very much, too much too soon men - and the whirlwind of feelings and intense connection you feel in a short time can be pretty heady.

If it's any comfort - it was, in a sense, all about you. You when he was wooing you - and then the you that became "real." Sounds like he's frightened of intimacy and while it's easy to assume that you must have done something "wrong" (it can be mind-bending to try to fathom what you did to turn off someone who was so enthralled with you, seemingly overnight) his "idealize, devalue, discard" behavior is actually all about him.

I have no idea why it is that the men who sweep us off our feet (literally) so often turn out to be the ones who are the most damaged, and damaging but you're right that it takes time for real intimacy to grow. I hope that you take good care of yourself while you're getting over this experience - and if he really is gone, then he may have done you a favor. That kind of guy can often reappear and do the "come her, no, go away dance" indefinitely and that one is harder still to get your head around.

H x

April 16, 2007
7:46 pm
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Rasputin
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I'm sorry burning for what happened to you. True, there are so many superficial and shallow folks who look for deep and honest people to cheat and take advantage of and you were, sadly one of them.

I recommend you to forgive that man and move on and let this experience be like a teachable moment that can make you more prudent and selective in your choice next time you start dating a new guy and get involved seriously.

In the meantime - in order to learn from this trial - try to educate yourself by attending support groups for codep or 12 steps; buying some self-help books; reaching out and helping those who are in the same boat as you used to be.

Blessings!

April 17, 2007
5:22 pm
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courage to change
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Ooh my Im completely new to this site.

Thought I would talk about my experience. My whole life has been about men who give me emotional turmoil with the highs and lows, and you know what I am not interested in this life any longer, and for the first time these type of men do not interest me.

I was single for about a year and thoughly enjoyed having and being in my own company and developing myself, then a man came along who I have now been dating for 2 months. Its a very flat relationship,which suits me fine, I dont get the emotional highs or lows like I used to. However, I am aware that its very early days. Ive just come back from volleyball, and the confidence I have gained from doing my own hobbies and not loosing myself so much in just one person is unbelievable. I hope I manage to keep this side of me up and going. Yes I will go slowely in this relationship, and it will take a long time to develop the trust, but so what, Im worth it and Im very protective of myself this time round. x

April 17, 2007
7:00 pm
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Anonymous
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Burning up-

I think this is more prevalent in our current culture than we admit. The question is how not to get hooked in. When someone moves to fast for your comfort zone, back off. I think lots of them like the chase, get a thrill from catching the bait. Then, the thrill is over. It is like an addiction. Only you can put the brakes on it, although it is tough to see it coming, and surely painful when it happens. Just say no at first, and either they will get frustrated and look for other bait or want to be your friend first. I tell them the words "I love you" are reserved for marriage material. I don't get too excited hearing those words anymore, because they often come with betrayal, and I feel no obligation to say it back.

April 17, 2007
10:52 pm
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fantas
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This thread is very good. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. As one who is recovering from these high and low relationship I think that it's a dance of some sort. Something about me craves this thrill as much as the guys enjoy it. Almost like an addiction to substances. For me I crave the high of feeling loved and the drama around it all. I think the guys also craved the high of the chase and the games. When things got real, it all got boring and the cycle began all over. I will no longer date anyone before we have established a friendship. Any man who is not willing to spend the time to just hang with me a friend does not even stand a chance. Unfortunately I have found that there more of the thrill seekers than the take the time to know you guys. Or perhaps I haven't evolved enough the attract a different kind of guy. Thank you all!

April 18, 2007
1:42 am
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doubleloss
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couragetochange. that sounds good. I hope to get to a similar spot sometime. I'm worried though that I might never be able to open up and vulnerable w/anybody again. This is a good thread. It's amazing howmany of us have fallen for the "I love yous".

April 18, 2007
7:11 pm
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chatty
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I was wanting to comment on this. How old is the guy? I am older so the dating scene is something I have trouble with. But any way, this sort of reminds me of high school guys. Like I can remember, the guy says, I love you and I always thought to myself, ya right. They really like to have sex more than what ever they are saying. Does anyone remember that kind of stuff?

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