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Man in Love, but lonely
May 19, 2004
3:43 am
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bruins332003
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Hi, I have been dating my girlfriend of about 1 year and a half now. I fell deeply in love with her and we live together and have for about a year. She has two daughters, and I have twin boys from my ex-wife. I am very affectionate to her, and she is not at all to me. I understand that we are different people though. My being affectionate to her bugs her, and annoys her. She also doesn't communicate with me well. She can literally come home from work and not say anything to me. Go to bed without saying goodnight. Just a few minutes ago. I kissed her head while she slept and she woke up and got mad!. This to me isn't normal.
I know I am a man, and I am not suppossed to cry supposedly, but sometimes I go outside, and cry or I tell her, why do you turn away from me when I try to kiss you etc. I get upset. I feel like she doesn't love me, but she has told her friends and my own mother that she loves me. I know she doesn't cheat on me, she doesn't leave the house. What can I do? I would appreciate any advice. I have been dealing with this for quite awhile, but I can't stop loving her, or wanting her. And yes, I do give her space often. To me i give too much to her probably not enough.
I hang in there also because I figure that if she really didn't love me she would've left me by now. I am good to her for the most part. I know her marriage with her ex was an abusive one, but I wonder why she acts this way toward me. It hurts, and sometimes leaves me confused. I think I need counseling somehow to deal with my roller coaster emotions thinking does she love me or not.
As far as trust, she is very trustworthy. I just wish I new the signs if she deep down loved me or not. My own mother called me and said that she loves me, but not all people express it. Do people ever love someone and treat them rudely. She knows that I probably love her more then anyone, and am always considerate to her. Please help. Sorry for rambling on. It's just that I am looking for hope somewhere and someone to talk to. I so much want this to work. I just need to know how to cope. Please someone respond that might be like this or have gone through this. Thanks!

May 19, 2004
4:09 am
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bruins332003
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Hi Twinks, in the beginning, she was very affectionate. I seem to always have been the one to initiate things more often, but she responded well, and even told me that no one has ever treated her like I do, and when I said I loved her, she really knew I meant it. we used to call each other even late at night if we weren't together, so it was mutual. I remember onetime though she told me that she could be rude and that she said she would scare me away. That was over a year ago though. Now it seems that she is constantly annoyed with me and rejects any common affection I might want. Like holding hands, or a kiss goodnight, or goodbye, or even a hug.
We make love maybe twice a month, and it is great for both of us, but to me I get real confused. Her own daughters, and her herself told me that sometimes she gets rude just so I would give her space. I don't understand this.

May 19, 2004
6:58 am
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CAMER
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Bruins, you are doing all the right things, and yes, it seems her abusive past may be getting in the way, have you ever told her exactly what you just told the group??? and see what her answer is. I know you do love her, and you should get the love back from her, not be pushed away...keep doing what you are doing and open up and talk with her and try to understand where she may be coming from. And don't ever stop being the caring person that you are, hopefully she will be abel to someday accept the love you have for her and give some back to you.

May 19, 2004
7:23 am
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Worried_Dad
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b03

Wait, Are you living together?

May 19, 2004
10:09 am
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gingerleigh
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Are you two thinking of getting married? Perhaps some pre-marriage counseling sessions could help break through some of these issues, bring them to the forefront.

May 19, 2004
11:00 am
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bruins332003
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HI, again, As far as us getting married, we aren't. Someday I would want her to be my wife simply because I love her so much, but I know that now is not the time. I want to make sure she loves me first, and she doesn't want to get married either. About a month ago we saw a commercial with a bride and groom, and she said I don't want to ever do that again. about 10 minutes later, I told her that someday she will want to marry me and she smiled. When we first got together she told me that I was marriage material.
Yes, we do live together and it's been over a year now. She treats my kids great, they love her to. She is a screamer, sometimes over the littlest things that annoy her, or make her angry. Like me and her daughters occasionally. Friends though she is the sweetest thing. She doesn't ever seem to want to go anywhere with me anymore.
Thanks for all the encouragement! I needed to hear that. It's just learning how to cope now that I need help with. So it seems that everyone seems to think she loves me. She has made remarks about my weight and recently told me that it wasn't appealing to her after I told her that it bothered me that she made remarks. when we met I weighed 225 now I am about 240. I know I need to lose weight also. I am not fat by no means, but I am a little chubby in my stomach, and no it's not a beer belly. lol

May 19, 2004
11:46 am
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CAMER
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bruin....you only gained 15 lbs that is not alot and she should by no means be picking on you becuz of it. i would talk it out with her, cuz she seems to have some deep hidden thoughts that make her act this way.
Best of luck!

May 19, 2004
11:53 am
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toutou
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Hi Bruins,

I feel sorry for what you are going through,at the same time i cannot really comment about your relationship issue,But as you will see there are alot of other people there that will be able to help you.

I want to say something about your weight.I beleive that you are not fat,because my husband is about 225 too.He is not fat but yet for his height he is overweight.I do tell him that he has to lose some weight,but not in a negative way.Because to say the truth his weight doesn't change my love for him.It can hurt when your partner go so negative about it,i know. But try not to take it this way.Trying to lose some weight will be good for your own wellbeing,your own health.

We are there to support you whenever you feel down and lonely.

Love,Toutou.

May 19, 2004
8:24 pm
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natty
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Bruin I think maybe she has some serious self-esteem and insecurity issues.

You sound like a really wonderful loving man, and this could be scary for her.

Let me explain - for reasons I won't go into here on your thread, I tend to seek out relationships where the man is emotionally or physically unavailable because it is familiar. We prefer the familiar, even if the familiar is bad for us. Wonderful loving guys like you scare me away, even though that is exactly the sort of guy I want.

Maybe that is the problem with your girlfriend? Has she had abuse in her life previously? What were her other boyfriends like?

May 21, 2004
1:50 am
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bruins332003
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Thank you toutou, and natty. Yes she was physically and emotionally abused in her previous 13 yr. marriage. She has had a few boyfriends before she met me, but never lasted as long as I have. By far going back to the beginning of our relationship, she said that no one has ever treated her like I do. The others in between were nice to, but not to the extreme like I am. My opinion at the time is that she got tired of these men and dumped them, but I am still here. Maybe they got tired of her if she acted like this to them I don't know, but she hasn't left me, but yet she is rude a lot, and snaps. Deep down though I feel that she would've left if she didn't love me. I just get confused. I just need to be told that occasionally. Thank you guys for all your support. I do need that to feel somewhat normal. Please keep in touch. Thanks

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