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Man does this hurt
October 26, 2011
1:17 pm
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StevenAnthony
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October 26, 2011
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Ok first time here - learned of this site via a friend long ago.  Just at a low point today and have to post - not looking for simpathy I guess just to say how I feel......

 

Over the past 10 years I've developed a good friendship with a girl I worked with.  One of those work things where you just see each other all the time and spend time together talking work stuff.   I've known her family from the past and well our friendship just grew.  We spent a lot of time together away from work as well.  Basically we were best friends.  We'd talk together about problems she had with boyfriends (i'm a guy) and her kids - life stuff.  There was nothing that couldn't be discussed.

Over severaly occasions we talked through boyfriend breakups and shared a lot of tears and beers.  Lots of good times and worked through the bad.

Attimittingly over time I have really cared a lot about this person.  Yeah I probably love her but she has always kept me just that far away - yet been very close.   Her family and mine have asked why not?  Personally I feel like it would be a good relationship, she says I'm just not her type.

A few years ago she started dating another guy which I just didn't get.  Based on our conversations he was a great looking guy but had some questionable moves in his history.  I couldn't understand the guy but I did support her and talk to her through the ups and downs.  Along the way I did find that she was slowly backing away from our friendship.   I'd write a daily email which we had always done, and I'd get no responses.  Even waited a few days - nothing.  I'd call - no answer.  No more texts.  Then when I asked she was telling me stories that I knew were lies.   She would tell me things just to keep me around, but I knew were not honest.   Finally it got to the point where I caught her in the lies and had to walk away.  It was ugly as I felt very portrayed.  I would of rather just heard the honesty and walked away but I felt that she still wanted all the things we did, but also have her new boyfriend and time with him as well.   During this time I was let go from the company and we no longer worked together.   Our daily interaction stopped.  Eventually we both went our own ways and she married this guy.   After only a few months they were broken up and once again I got a call to "talk".   Talk we did, for hours and days and weeks - about all the things we missed while not speaking.  It was the old times again - just picked up from where we left off.   My heart pounded again, my head was whirling with things we shared again.  It was the old friend and I realized just how much I enjoyed that close friendship.  I could share my inner stories and not worry about getting slammed for thinking that way - she did the same. 

Last year, same process happened again.  Things were great and in the fall she met the greatest guy.  Again I could see her change.  Once again the daily texts stop, "I'm too busy" I was told, kids stuff, and it started all over again.   I could "feel" it again.   I mentioned this to her and was told that nothing was going on - no guys, just very busy.   A few weeks later there was another argument over the lack of communication again - this time I was told that she didn't want my deep conversation - that this guy was fun and really great.  I really felt hurt and honestly I felt like I lost my best friend again - I guess I had.   The argument was ugly this time with a lot of deep hurtful things said about very intimate stuff we had talked about.   In the end pretty darn hurtful.

I had not heard a word from this girl - no texts, no calls, no social media, nothing.  I had always wondered but also felt very portrayed or maybe used and so my life started to move on without her.   In August of this year out of the blue I got a text asking if I was around.   Of course my heart started to beat and my head was filled with excitement.  My head also knew what the past brought - not only years of a great friendship but the potential to get really hurt again.   Things have to be better - we both knew what works and what doesn't.   So of course I showed up and I got the biggest hug I've ever had.  We stood there and just hugged and held hands.   Wow what a feeling.  I had missed her for so long.   We had drinks and danced the night away.   For a few weeks after we did the same thing - spent time just having fun.   I once again caught up with her kids and we enjoyed each others company.  We went to dinner, and just spent some time together.   Then the process started again - and this is where it's so painful today.   Due to our past experiences on this I could sense her moving away but yet working hard to protect me from knowing things are changing.   She now spends a lot of time with her new work friends and I could sense that growing.   I know what that is like from our past and what we did and so i could see why that would be what she would want to do.   We had made plans for a weekend together - to just hang and enjoy the sun and hang out.   Suddenly something came up and she bailed on me.   I asked if I could pick her up and still do something and the answer was no.  I asked for lunch, dinner or just drinks.  I was told no - very busy.  So I asked and was told not to go there as it's not what I think.  Don't go into past history and so I wanted to work very hard and not go there again.  It was so ugly last time and I would try not to create problems.  So each week I would send a text asking how the weekend was or just small talk.  Some weeks it was a lot of texting and other weeks it was nothing.   But I always heard a lot about the work group. 

This week started out great - I had an awesome weekend out of town and was realy in a great mood.  She wrote me on Monday which kind of just made the day.   She was sharing all kinds of stuff and was really being great.   She asked me a couple of times to go to lunch this week - which I just love - we don't do it anymore and so I was really excited about it - but I just couldn't make it due to work obligations.   And so I had to turn her down.  The next day I figured out a way to delay my trip out of town so we could have dinner and I wrote to her to go out.  My first two texts were ignored.  Finally I wrote that I was worried about her and got a response.   Basically I was told that she made the offer and I turned them down and so now her schedule is full.   She told me about how she had plans for Wednesday night and Saturday night as well as lunches the rest of the week.   Her other time she was going to be home.   Although this makes sense she has never turned me down or made arrangements for us to go out.   Again my instincts are telling me we are going right back into this circle again.  

In my head I'm thinking that if you made a point to reach me again it was becuase you wanted me in your life.   I probably was contacted during a time when there were no others around and I was a friend who would be there.   I take a lot of pride in always being there for her - we've been through way to much to write here and have always been great partners in tackling problems.  I guess while writing this book I might as well write that I also hoped, and alway hope, that our friendship would work again.   That we could have what we had and I guess I went into this round thinking that maybe by her coming back to me, that it was something she wanted.   Now I guess I feel like I was just a fill in for the moment.  Until another group or another great guy came into her life.   I'm really hurt today because I really didn't think a friend would do this to me.  I'm wondering why someone who knows me so well, enough to know how to hurt me and how to make me smile, could be so callious.   Or maybe it's just me making it that way?   I just don't know.  But I do know it hurts - it hurts to lose this person again and it hurts that this happens more often now.  I guess it hurt to know that this isn't right for me, yet want to make it right and can't.   I know some will say there are others, and I also know that people so there are never replacements.  I truely feel that way.   I've got a lot of friends but none who have been so close and so much fun for me but also so hurtful at the same time.   I don't understand how for a couple of months she would write me, talk to me and ask me to go out and then how it turns so quickly.   I know I sit here now and can't fix this as much as I want to erase it.   It's been a long time we've hung around and there is a ton of trust there when things work right.   I'm just heartbroken.  I know compared to all the things on this site this is petty but it's important to me.  I know I'm a good guy and I know I also have my faults - but I guess I just never understand.

Maybe it was just important to write what I'm thinking.   Gosh I'm thinking a lot now - but I just can't understand this process.  I just feel like the fool for even thinking this would work and that I should of known better but I also know that if this person calls me up tonight I'd go to dinner.  I'm just very frustrated .....blah.

Thanks for listening!

November 29, 2011
11:28 pm
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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StevenAnthony,

 

First, sorry for all the frustrations you've had. I guess it's obvious that the person you considered as best friend is not capable enough to be more than a friend to you. Most of the time, best friends end up falling in love to each other but when breakup comes, it is just so hurting that you can never be the same again because of the romantic relationship you've had that didn't actually work in the end.  Maybe it's best if you just move on with your life and give yourself time and space to entertain someone new (just give it a try, it's not bad actually). Good thing is you never missed a chance to be a friend to her when she needed you the most. You are truly a one-of-a-kind friend indeed and it's something you should be proud of. What is important now is that you have your life to work on and you will always be a friend to her even if she's not making you feel the same way. Who knows what will happen next? the future's not ours to see right? what is important is that happiness is a matter of choice.

 

Wishing you well.

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