Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
mamacinnamon..are you around here somewhere tonight?
October 26, 2006
6:56 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mama,

It has been a rough few days here on these threads, and I told the girls last night that I really missed you. You are tough on me, but sometimes I really think I need that. You don't quite come right out and say suck it up, but none the less that is the point that I get, and right now, I NEED that. Why does it seem like things go great for a few days and then I am back to feeling sorry for myself, and screwing up the lives of others? I try so hard to be helpful, I do. I have truly learned to care a lot about a couple of the other girls on this board, and I don't know. I just feel lost. I feel like I am in the wrong place. I am here for the right reasons, but I can't tell if I am moving forward or backwards some days...Does any of this make sense to you? I know I am confused, and I am NOT trying to confuse you, I am just scared, lost and confused.

October 26, 2006
7:37 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((mich))))

Yep, i'm most always here even tho my mom just tried to lay a guilt trip on me, but I stood and said no. She's gonna be here soon to try to make me feel worse, but I am not gonna. I'm spending the evening here and w/ my youngest who patiently waits while I post. She's such an angel.

I understand what you are saying. Change never comes w/o one step forward two steps back if ya know what I mean. As for feelin you aren't helping others... you are. You are just unsure of yourself and your advice. mom's here, brb

sorry

October 26, 2006
7:48 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sorry...

Mich, are you embracing others? Are you opening your heart and letting them in or holding them at a distance? It took me a long time to warm up to folks here; to trust. But lookout when I did. I bet you are the same way. Do you standoff and watch and hold folks away so you don't get hurt? Most of us do and did at first.

You are one of us here. You are most welcome and taken in under the wings of those here that have been where you are.

(((holding you close)))

October 26, 2006
8:01 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mama-

I saw your post on the other thread, but if you don't mind, I am going to continue to post here for a few...

I spilled my guts on something that was really bothering me last night. I was scared to death. I have grown very attached to LL and GG. In case that was not already obvious. I feel closer to them than I do my own family. I love them both to pieces and I would bend over backwards and die for them if I could. I trust certain people here very much. Even fewer I trust wiht my "in closet secrets". But, I spilled them last night. Now, I realize that anyone can read these threads, so anyone can know what I told them. I don't care. I was comfortable with them. You make me nervous sometimes, but I still find myself running back to you. You seem ahead of a lot of us in our healing process, and maybe that is why. I worry a lot that I have pissed you off, or turned you away. I try hard not to upset other people. But, i am honest, and I am DYING inside mama. I even posted a positive thread yesterday. I have also posted a thread about my two oldest babies being sick. I try to respond to other peoples threads when they are hurting. I try that, like thumkin today, and Jen. I don't feel liek I have to say alot if I can't. I just say that I am thinking of them or whatever. I am scared of who I am and where I am headed. I think things are getting better, and I get bad news about my kids. My heart just sinks, and I hate this. I worry that I am here self seeking,,,I want to help others in that process, but I don't know if I am or not.

October 26, 2006
8:16 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mich:

I am glad you have some you are very close to. That is the key is to be able to open up and talk.

You said ... You make me nervous sometimes, but I still find myself running back to you. You seem ahead of a lot of us in our healing process, and maybe that is why. I worry a lot that I have pissed you off, or turned you away. I try hard not to upset other people. But, i am honest, and I am DYING inside mama."

Please don't think I am pissed or that I would turn away. I promise you I would not. Unless you said you wanted me to not post to you again. I am sorry I make you nervous. As for bein ahead of the healing process. Honey, my evil x and I have been divorced for 16 years now. I don't think it's that I am ahead but that I'm old. Done been there and done did that. Ya know? But them am I really ahead coz my marriage now is shit and I am knowing what needs to be done and not able to do it. Many reasons factor in. I do know that he doesn't hurt our child and he's not raised a hand to me, but that is no excuse for his mouth or his behavior. So, guess I'm like you and Army.. just don't have the urgency of leaving.

Dieing inside. I so know that feeling from long ago. I remember awhile back I asked you a question and you said you were not gonna answer coz you didn't want 23 reasons why you should not. I smiled; i'm sorry. I smiled coz I knew you had my line. I knew you are me 23 years ago. Hang in there and keep fighting. I don't want to die anymore, well not all the time anyway, I do have my moments. But mostly I want to kick butt and scream OUT OUT OUT. Just cannot do that yet either.

So have I made sense or just totally confused you now??

October 26, 2006
9:24 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mama-

You make sense to me, I promise..I am just sad tonight. I want to know what is going on with my two oldest babies, and I try SO hard to be helpful around here. I just sometimes think I make it worse. Like this whole thing with GG. I love her to pieces. GG, LL, and I swear that we are triplets...just we are 30, 40, and 50. But we are all so much alike. I love them both dearly. I just wish that I could help them more. Sometimes I feel too needy to be talking to them, and now I know that GG really needed us last night, and I was letting the sleletons in my closet escape. Yes, it helped me a ton...BUT, I am afraid that it hurt GG. I NEVER want to hurt anyone that I love. I want to help her.

You are right too. You asked how I would commit suicide. I said I wouldn't tell you because I didn't want 23 ways that you had that it wouldn't work. I know that my way will work, I just don't want to do it. I want to want to live. We have had this conversation inside. My psychologist is helping me, but that is very tough for me. I don't want to go through that kind of pain. When we talked about why I treat my kids the way that I do. He was right on I think. He said that I have spent their time and mine, preparing them and me for my suicide. If they hate me, and all I am is mean to them, then they won't miss me. It makes it easier for me to justify what I am doing, because I already have myself convinced that they would be better off without me. i just want to be a good mom, and be happy. Is that really even a reachable thing? What the hell is happy anyway?

Sometimes, I take offense to what you say, but usually it is when I KNOW that you are right. That is probably why I keep coming back to you. I also told you before that maybe just your name alone is part of the reason. I don't have my mom to hold me, and love me and talk to me. My two oldest babies are having MAJOR issues, and I can't tell either one of my parents. This place has been my only outlet for that.

Anyways, I appreciate you mama. I hope you believe that. I am justa very insecure person.

One day we will be able to say OUT OUT OUT. It will come.

Scared

October 26, 2006
9:34 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Scared:

We don't always get what we need from our moms. I didn't either. But I will tell you that I am here to listen, talk, hold you, love you, and totally tick you off at times. I am sorry what I say hurts. Ya know had I not had that lady come into my life that kicked my butt every time i waned to feel sorry for myself or quit then i don't know where I would be today. I don't mean to be hard or mean. I truly don't. I have a way of bein to much to the point sometimes. I lack tact. And yes, when you don't want to face something and it gets put in your face it totally ticks you off. I'm sorry for that. Growing pains do hurt sometimes tho.

(((( mich ))))

I think lots of you and i'm here for you. Ticked or not ticked or even when you want to end things. But I will tell you from someone that wanted so bad to die.. I know where you are and you cannot hide that. You are me 23 years ago. So, don't think I don't know where you are coz I do.

October 26, 2006
9:39 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks mama. That alone means a lot. Please pray for my babies.

Like I said, I keep coming back for more of you, so you can't hurt me too bad. And I know that I get what i deserve from you. I know that you say it in love too. Not that you may not be shaking your head in disgust, but I belive that you care and that is part of why i keep coming back too. I know that it is. I just worry when you get that straight forward that I pissed you off or whatever, and that is just my insecurity. Just know that i appreciate you, and I think you are a wonderful woman. I truly do.

Scared

October 26, 2006
9:41 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mama-

One more quick question for you...Do you think that it's ok to start a thread just to say I miss you to somone you have heard form in a while. I haven't heard form kroika in forever. Since she talked me out of killing myself basically. I just wonder if it silly to start a thread for that reason. What do you think? Honestly

October 26, 2006
9:55 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you can start a thread to anyone you want for whatever reason you want.
yes, you may. read the guidelines about putting names in first tho.

October 26, 2006
10:01 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks mama. I just wanted to make sure that you realized that there were two posts to you up there. About my babies...that is important to me...

October 26, 2006
10:08 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

GG is back on the afghan thread...YEAH

October 26, 2006
10:20 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yes mich. i will pray for your babies and for you.

i'm sorry i'm on and off. having trouble w/ my machine, and having fun w/ my youngest.

October 26, 2006
10:30 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have to go for a bit, will you check on GG please if you can.

October 27, 2006
7:32 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Hi (((Scared)))(((Mich)))

I just read that you miss me. Aw, that touches my heart.

I haven't been around as much the last little while because I've had some "real life" obligations to attend to. But I still read every day.... and I've been following a bit of your thread with LL and GG.

I'm so pleased that the 3 of you have a good mutual support thing happening. I am still around if you need me, or even want me! But I have not been able to keep up closely with all your postings and have not really had much focused mental energy to bring.

You can always rustle me up by posting on the "desperately seeking kroika" thread. I always check that one!! :0)

I'm at work right now, with a quiet moment to read a bit on the site. Morning is coming to your part of the world... and I'm sending warm thoughts and a big (((hug))) to you with all my good wishes for a peaceful day.

lots of love, kroika

October 27, 2006
8:12 am
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kroika,

How are you gf? I have missed you bad. Obviously I have spent a lot of time with GG, and LL, but I have been missing you. I ALMOST posted on your desperate thread, but I didn't want to get in the middle of your chats with sleepless. Really, I just wanted to say hi. Obviously things are here and there. It has been a rough few days, and I hate this back and foreth feeling. Just feeling a little tested right now, that is all. And some moments, I feel as if I am failing that test. I know deep down, that I am doing ok, I just hurt right now. For my babies, for me, for a lot of things. But, I did post a positive thread too, I son't know if you read that or not. So some things are really going well too. Jim (psych) said that things would get worse before they get better emotionally and he was right. I only thought that I was confused before. I am still convinced that I am moving in the right direction with him though. He is a great guy. Anyways,
will catch you later. Again, I do hope all is well with you, and I have missed talking to you lately.

October 27, 2006
1:51 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

See mama- Everytime I even mention her name she appears like magic. That is SO cool. I just love it. I didn't have to start a new thread or anything. The last time I mentioned her name was when I was giving her half of the credit for me not killing myself that night. And again, she appeared, as if she really heard her own name.

I have another question for you...You say I am who you were 23 years ago....Do you think that you were ever truly depressed enough to kill yourself or was it just a constant thought? Do you think that you could have really done it?

October 27, 2006
2:43 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"Do you think that you were ever truly depressed enough to kill yourself or was it just a constant thought? Do you think that you could have really done it?"

Yes, I was most certainly depressed enough to kill myself. The evil x even picked up on it and used it for his benefit. He'd put me in tears at my folks' home and then tell them he didn't know what was wrong w/ me and I must be losing it. I think he was workin on getting me committed.

But the dumbass made a huge mistake. He took me to a counselor to prove I was nuts. The counselor said in front of evil x that I had my ducks in a row and if i would only leave the evil x then I'd be just fine. Needless to say I didn't get to go back to him.

Could I have really done it. I think so. I had researched every way I'd ever heard of and some I found along the way. I wanted the one that wouldn't mess up my body enough to totally horrify my folks and siblings. Guess I still had a heart then.

Funny thing is that God intervenes when the time is right. I got pregnant. Well, I couldn't kill myself then coz I'd be killing my baby too and I couldn't take my child's life coz my child had a right to live. Then when the baby came, my oldest girl, I fell so in love w/ her I decided to live thru hell for the next 8 years for her sake. I couldn't let him have her to raise.

Hope that answers your questions.

October 27, 2006
3:29 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So you don't doubt me when I say that is what I want? I swear that people believe that I won't do it. It isn't that I don't have have the balls mama. It is that I know that isn't what I really want. I am holding on by a thread to try to get through some of this so I can see the other side. I want to in 23 years, be able to tell someone, I know where you are coz I was there once. I ant to help people like you have mama. But, I am afraid of that NEVER happening. I am afraid of always being this miserable. To be honest, my kids wouldn't be THAT bad off with their dad. I am not saying that life would be rosey, but it isn't with me around either. I just don't want to live this unhappy, and I don't want to make my kids unhappy. I was devastated to have the realization pointed out to me that I have been preparing my kids for my suicide. That was an awful thing for me to hear. I so wanted to go do it that night. But, I chose to stay home, I listened to that little voice in my head that said DOn't do it, MAndy, Don't do it.

You're a better person than i am mama. Because my way will destroy my body, and it will be where my mother is the FIRST to know. And that is the way I want it. I want her to know what she did to me, I want her to know how horribly she destroyed me, and I think that is the only way that I will ever be able to let her know. Then that is something that she has to live with for the rest of her life. And I think that she should. Now, you know just how demented I really am.

I took the MMPI test back in december of last year, and my risk of suicide then was 93 or 94. Where five years ago it was 40 something. Which they consider in the 30's normal for some variance. So I am only getting worse. They say that there is NO way to lie through those tests. They made me sign an agreement that I would not do anything while I was there, or they were going to have the little men in white coats come get me then. Those kind of numbers scare me. I don't trust me. What is going to push me over the edge? They say that I will get worse before I get better, can I withstand the worse, or will I go over the edge?

I am lost. Thank you for talking to me.

October 27, 2006
3:56 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I also wanted to tell you Mama, the MOST WONDERFUL psychologist in this country is in Springfield Missouri. SHe is a WONDERFUL christian woman. I just love her to pieces. Not that I think it matters much, I just wanted you to know.

October 27, 2006
6:52 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mich:

I am no better than you. For what your mom did I understand you wishes. My folks were good to me; specially my dad. My mom was depressed which was bad enuogh, but she was not a tyrant.

I must say that score is scarry. I have never had that test. But honey, yes it will get worse coz you have to face the demons, but you don't have to go over the edge. You can hang on to that thread and you can hold onto each of us there.

And thanks for the heads up about the psych lady. Not quite my neck of the woods, but ya never know who i might run into that could be from there.

(((hugs mandy)))

October 27, 2006
7:06 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am not ready for worse mama. But I am holding on to you guys here. Several of you, coz I don't think one can hold me alone.. I am trying to talk, and trying to be honest. I am doing the best that I can. But right now that hardly seems like enough.

Mandy

October 27, 2006
7:23 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mandy:

What you can do is all you can do for now. As long as you promise you will not harm yourself and your babies, please. We will hold onto you as long as it takes. Honey Rome wasn't built in a day and I didn't leave my evil x and get out for 12 years. It takes time.

(((holding you close)))

gotta go for a few hours. later chickie.

October 27, 2006
8:03 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Hey (((Mandy-Mich-Scared)))

I am just popping on here for a minute... you asked how I am ... well, kind of struggling with my own stuff too. Quite a bit of anxiety about school things I have to get done, in the midst of sleep-deprivation and a headache at the moment. I need to go out for a walk in the fresh air.

But before I head out, I wanted to offer you a little piece of feedback. As I read your postings on various threads, I am so struck not only by how intelligent and articulate you are, but also by what a generous heart you have. I am sad that you have suffered so much. I feel for you in this tough battle you are fighting with your demons. And I believe, deeply, that you are winning.

You are developing a lovely support network for yourself here, and that is so smart! Plus which you reciprocate that support to others. I realize that your suicide plans are going to remain tempting for some time to come while you work through things here and with Jim (and accepting his help is another very smart move you've made).

But I truly believe if you continue the way you are going, you are going to make it out of the woods alive and strong and healthy. I regret not being around here very often for you, but please know that I am thinking of you and believing in you.

And as you have discovered, call my name and I'll appear :0)

Much love and many hugs to you,

kroika

October 27, 2006
8:07 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Oh and p.s.

Do you have a preference for what name you would like to be called by here? I want to use the name that *you* prefer.

love again, k

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
31
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111089
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38628
Posts: 714441
Newest Members:
thomson, BenjaminGresham, answerhope, kenseeley, soofibeauty, lifesyncm
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information