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mama, kroika, loving.......HELP....PLEASE..
October 13, 2006
10:08 am
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StronginHim77
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Cry all that you need to. You have gone through one heck of alot of emotional chaos and upheaval in the past few days. Small wonder! Your soul is weary and your emotions are raw. You are grieving emotional losses that run very, very deep.

I will be praying for you today. Rest as much as you can. If you can take a nap this afternoon, try, OK? Remember that it is OK and normal to cry. Most of us have weathered seasons of weeping, insomnia, temper outbursts...whatever it took to work off some of the inner anguish.

It has taken alot of courage to face your painful situation during the past few days and share it with us so openly on these threads. You have also done a magnificent job of encouraging others. Your postings to Armyleo touched my heart so deeply and I know they helped her. She knows that you are speaking from the depth of your own suffering and experience which means so much more than someone who just swings through these threads and "preaches" what they have never "WALKED."

Keep posting. I will try to check in throughout the day and see how you are doing.

- Strong

October 13, 2006
10:12 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks Strong...

I appreciate you. I know that it's ok to cry, but for some reason today it is making me feel like I am weak because of it, if that makes any sense. I know in my heart that part of it (what makes me feel weak) is that I look at Army, and I think that I should suck it up, my life could be alot worse. I am very worried about her, VERY. But, right now, I need to rest for me.

Scared

October 13, 2006
11:14 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((( HOLDING YOU CLOSE AS ALWAYS ))))

October 13, 2006
11:55 am
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thumkin
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Scared I just wanted to let you know that I have been following you and keeping you in my prayers. I have not been able to keep from crying as I read what you are going through. I have even wished I could just jump on a plane and fly out there to hold your hand while you go through this. It may not feel like it right now but I think that you are headed in the right direction. Stay strong because even if you dont feel strong you are, I can see it. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thumkin

October 13, 2006
11:57 am
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ggfred4
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scared, do NOT apologize to me. We have got to be able to truly tell how we feel and not worry what people will think. This is an area I am trying hard to work on. I lie, tell people what they want to hear in the real life. I am trying to stop it and learn to be me.

Believe me, I want to be able to say I am scare, weak, etc. without apologizing or someone judging me.

When you reference army, I feel the same way about you and her. My problems seem so minor and it makes me want to crawl back into the safe shell. But my friend, P&L, keeps telling me pain is pain, your pain is your pain. That helps.

It is okay to be scared, cry, feel weak....we are human,,,express yourself.

I am thinking, I need to take my own advice. LOL

(((scared)))

October 13, 2006
3:07 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am just checking in to let you all know that I am ok. I am not really in a talkative mood, so I am just kind of laying low. But, I wanted you all to know I am here, and ok. I also wanted to say thank you to all of you for your hugs, friendship, prayer, and support. It means the world to me. The last 5 months of my life has been very difficult as since I have been here, I have told my entire life story, had a baby, had my tubes tied, discovered that my marriage is shit, come close to losing my kids, and all kinds of things. It has been very difficult. But I would have never made it without the supprt of all of you, and I want you to know that I appreciate it. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

GG-

I just wanted to say that I know that it is ok to cry. It is just a very tough thing for me. It makes me feel vulnerable and I don't like that feeling at all. I also am very good at telling people here in real life that my life is great. We attend a church that thinks I have my shit all together, and our marriage is good and everything else. I can't tell any of them anything. I like people thinking that I am ok. But, being here and being honest is very helpful, it does seem to make me feel better. Thank you again for your friendship and support, and especially your poem. That was very sweet, and truly touched my heart.

Mich (as you ALL prefer)

October 13, 2006
3:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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(((((((Scared)))))))))

Major hugs and love coming your way...

- Ma Strong

October 13, 2006
5:52 pm
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thumkin
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I am leaving for the weekend. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

October 13, 2006
6:00 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, first, I am never going to learn names, who's who, etc?

I am glad you felt free to say that you are not in a talkative mood...Express yourself! Hey, isn't that a song, where's LL when you need her!

T.G.I.F.- what a rollercoaster of a week, glad I got to know you better, but sorry about your situation. Take care of yourself, sorry I can't take you away from the cold this weekend...Hugs, GG

October 13, 2006
9:26 pm
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Honolulugal
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Me too!

I won't tell you about the weather here. If I did, I'd have to mention the many downsides of living here such as the cost of living!

October 14, 2006
2:13 am
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lovinglife
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((( Mich )))

Where's the beach party?!! I was so excited to get home tonight only to find out nobody's partying and I am in such a mood to sing too!!

aahhh, and sorry to hear that you had a down day : ( which of course brings to mind a song... : ) and if you could help me out here that would be great!!

The sun'll come out...Tomorrow...Bet your bottom dollar...That tomorrow ---There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about...Tomorrow...Clears away the cobwebs, And the sorrow...'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck a day...That's gray,
And lonely,...I just stick out my chin

And Grin,

And Say,

Oh! The sun'll come out...Tomorrow...So ya gotta hang on...'Til tomorrow
Come what may

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

I love ya Tomorrow!

You're always ...A day...A way!

October 14, 2006
6:37 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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ll,

thanks for the song,,

i lovr that movie,,

scared

October 14, 2006
5:38 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL,

Do you ever listen to Micheal W. Smith?

October 15, 2006
1:13 am
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lovinglife
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Yes Mich I have listened to his music - it's been awhile. Funny you should ask me that as when I was getting ready for work today my son had a CD playing and this song just hit me - thought of you & Army when the chorus played as well as myself. First time I've heard the song. The band name is Overflow the song is "Cry On My Shoulder". Just a beautiful song.

You say your falling apart...Reached the end of the line...Just looking for your place in an ordinary life...No one calls you friend...No one even knows your name...You just want to feel loved instead of all the pain

You no longer have to say...No one’s listening anyway

Chorus:

Come here and cry on my shoulder...
I’ll hold you ‘till it’s over...
I’ll rescue you tonight

Let my arms be your shelter...Your hiding place forever....I’ll love you more than life

You’re wearing a frown...Given up on hope...My heart is reaching out...More than you will ever know...Is your burden too much?...Is it more than you can bear?...I’ll help carry the load if you’re willing to share

Chorus:

Come here and cry on my shoulder...
I’ll hold you ‘till it’s over...
I’ll rescue you tonight

Let my arms be your shelter...Your hiding place forever....I’ll love you more than life

You have had some hard times...Had thorns placed in your side...I know about what you’ve been going through
Tears of pain are falling down...It hurts so bad you’re crying out, you’re problems won’t last forever
Let me put you back together

Chorus:

Come here and cry on my shoulder...
I’ll hold you ‘till it’s over...
I’ll rescue you tonight

Let my arms be your shelter...Your hiding place forever....I’ll love you more than life

October 15, 2006
7:03 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL-

That made me cry. That is all I want, someone to let me cry, someone to hold me, someone to rescue me, someone to let me hide, and someone to love me for me, unconditionally. I am so tired of this pain. It hurts so bad.

I have missed you much. Thanks for being my friend.

Mich

October 15, 2006
11:43 am
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StronginHim77
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Scared...

Just checking in to see how you are feeling. I love Michael W. Smith, too. Loved his early stuff that came out in the late 80's.

There will come a Season when you gain enough strength to reach out and take hold of the hands who will help you to rescue yourself. It WILL happen, dear Friend.

In the meantime, we are here and we care about your suffering and your fear...and we are praying.

Love,

Ma Strong

October 15, 2006
5:23 pm
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lovinglife
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Hi Mich~ Haven't seen you over at the beach party yet... when you get a chance popped in and kick back ...and oh, don't forget to bring a log to throw on the fire -

and it sounds like GG may be getting us starting tonight on the sharing of what our hopes are for the future. I need some time to think about this one myself... And oh, think this beach party is going to last through out the week - so no need to hurry but sure miss ya and hope to hear from you soon!!

And isn't the words to that song just powerful...you should hear it played. When I heard it, it just made me all warm inside with a little bit of goose bumps...I came running out of my room and had to hunt down my son and ask him the name of the song and the band...then of course I had to play it over and over again.

October 15, 2006
5:27 pm
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lovinglife
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and Ma Strong - we need you there too!!

October 15, 2006
8:24 pm
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armyleo
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Mich -

Are you doing okay?

I'm okay I'm going to be fine. I'm not thinking of anything, I'm shutting down how I feel, my emotions everything. Maybe it will all go away.

I posted on the beach get away? I already started feeling better/

October 15, 2006
9:28 pm
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Anonymous
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yep, pain is pain, and I too had a bad day.

My friend passed away unexpectedly this weekend and I had bad nightmares last night.

I dreamt about the abuser and had flashbacks all day. It was so vivid. So, I will share my honest feelings. I guess having coming here and feeling like I had to say yes, i suffered abuse in childhood and just last year felt like I had to prove that I needed validation to have the right to leave and take care of myself by whatever means worked for me. That is not fighting. That is not "less than" someone else's pain. I suffered beyond belief and never want to go back to that dark place, yet found myself there in nightmares and then again with flashbacks today.

I wanted so much to be loved by my abusers, not hated by them. I still want their love today in my setback. Tomorrow, I hope I will bounce back to recovery mode, and I will know there will never be anything I can do to get them to behave in a loving way, and as much as I tried, it only led to more harm. That is the sad, disappointment. It feels embarrassing to say you want love from your abuser, and tomorrow, I hope I will be back to not needing anything from my two abusers, because I know I will never get what I need from them. That is not love, even if they say it is or that they care. Love is not supposed to hurt us. WHat better way for us to satisify our need than to have our abuser love us and stop hurting us? IF only it could just happen as we dream of it. Once I finally understood there was nothing I could to fix it, I took care of me. I loved myself enough to do that...yet it hurts when i go back to that dark place. I loved myself to get out of that dark place and find love within myself, from my Higher Power, and from people who had real love to give me. On bad days like today, I find myself in dreaming again of what will never be, and it hurts so much. Pain is pain. The less pain in my life, the better.

We all would like love, validation, and understanding. I seek serenity and peace.

P&L

October 15, 2006
11:00 pm
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ggfred4
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army, I have notice a lift in your spirit; it is during these times that you may be able to think straight and take some good advice from those who have supported you here.

You know P&L is well respected on this site just like mama and they are great givers of advice. But as you can see, even the ones who seem strongest can suffer and need support. That is why we are here for each other. But as you keep learning, and never stop learning from others, is that when it comes down to change, only you can do it.

All of the kind supporters are just showing you the path, kind of like guides. None of us can grab your hand and take you, even though we wished we could. I would pick you up and carry you if I could.

Just look at the last word in P&L's post, peace...what a wonderful goal...inner peace. That is one of my goals and I hope it yours, but only you can decide that.

Take care, there are so many people here rooting for you girl...GG

October 16, 2006
1:02 pm
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armyleo
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P&L

I'm sorry about your friend..

I don't know what to say about your flash back and nightmares? I'm sorry you are down today.

But you understand my need.

you said "WHat better way for us to satisify our need than to have our abuser love us and stop hurting us? IF only it could just happen as we dream of it."

I want to have this...

October 16, 2006
1:24 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

Honey you may want this, and we all did and do still, most anyway...

Some things we just cannot have no matter how hard we try or how good we are; it just won't happen. I'm sorry.

P&L: Sorry for the loss of your friend. (((hugs)))

October 16, 2006
4:39 pm
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Army

So glad you understand. It always feels nice when someone says that. I am glad you felt I understood too. I had such a bad day yesterday remembering those feelings, and still today I feel the effects. One thing that I want to share with you is that I talked to my out of town guy last night (he called and he is just so handsome and nice!), and that helped me remember that there is life after abuse...not even so much in another guy, but that guy has been my friend through thick and thin (before graduating to "more than friend status"), and I realized that he has known me through the dark, dark, dark times and through my recovery.

I found love within me. How did I do it? I left the abuse, because as totally hard as it was, I realized I would never find satisifaction there. I would never have my dream come true. That person would never be who I thought he used to be, and he would never make up for the pain that was caused as much as I hung in there and waited, as nice as I was to him, as much as I tried to figure out what I had done to make him mad at me. He would never stop being mean to me (and sometimes fool me and be nice again). He would never show me the love I wanted from my brother who also abused me growing up. These two people were so similar. I had to detach from them both to save myself, and I would never find the love from them them I so wanted, and that would fix it all.

And, I never will. And, I can feel so sad sometimes when I let myself think about it.

The good news is this. There is hope, Army. I am proof of it. I pulled myself out of that dark, dark, destruction. I left. I decided to take care of ME, and love me enough for those who never would be able to give me what I needed. I had to be brave. It was scary. People kept telling me to get out, and I would not listen until I was ready to make my own decision. No one could tell me what to do. No amount of emotional support or, to the contrary, tough love and pushing me to leave, could make up my mind. So, how did I figure it out?

One day, a good friend of mine who is a therapist was hearing my story. I realized that I had been through all this before, in my childhood with my brother. As a child, I could not possibly leave home. As an adult, I had choices. I thought, "WOW, I have been through all of this before!" It was so scary, and I felt helpless. My friend told me, I better do something or I was going to end up in the women's shelter or worse!

I then read everything I could about abuse, including Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why does he do that?" I read research on sibling abuse. I joined codependent's anonymous. I talked and talked to my family and friends. I wanted help from everyone. I mostly wanted them to tell me how to FIX IT.

One day, things got so bad, and my self esteem was getting worse and worse. I didn't realize it and thought I was fine, but I cried a lot. I was confused. I was struggling. He was so mean to me. I told him, "you know what? everything I do makes you mad!" I realized I couldn't NOT make him mad. my very existence made him mad. He denied it and had tears in his eyes, as he yanked my arm and pulled me out of a meeting at work and told me we had to talk and we were going for coffee. He just barged right into my meeting and pulled me out of there by the arm in front of people. With his tears in his eyes, I was convinced again. Yet, it must have been later that day or the next that he was back to his mean stuff and I was confused..AGAIN! WHY WHY WHY? I had had enough.

I distanced myself to some extent, but not enough. There was still too much contact. And, I let the terror go on for 10 more months, until I left the situation for good. He is now on NO CONTACT. And, Army, I will NEVER EVER find love from an abuser, no matter how hard I try. Sure, that would fix it all. THat would change everything, but that is not how it works. THe more we try to fix it that way, the more we are harmed. THe more we look for the solution from outside ourselves, the longer it will take.

Peace begins within ourselves, and radiates outward. As I said before, we all desire love, validation, understanding from others. We NEED safety/peace to find serenity. We need safety to exist and survive, to move forward and heal. Once you are ready to find a peaceful environment, away from your abuser, your new life will begin.

Army, during the past year, I have suffered the deepest, darkest low, the worst pain in my life. I also turned it around and now feel the most emotionally healthy I ever have in my life. IN that way, the suffering all was a great gift to me. For, if it had not happened, I would not have had the opportunity to gain this much control over my life. I took back what was mine, and that is my life, my choices, my happiness, and my hope! Yes, I have hope, even on bad days. I did not have that before. My friend died over the weekend, and I have had a setback, but I KNOW, if I am granted the gift of tomorrow, I have the choice to follow the a good path toward peace and happiness, and I am so glad I am not my abuser! I am so glad I am me. You too will find this hope and serenity when you are ready to get yourself in a peaceful situation and take back your life. No one can do it for you...that is the whole point. No one takes it from you and no one gives it back. I thought everyone took things from me before until I took control over my life. I wanted everything back that they took. Now, I want none of the old life back! I have a new, better life! I wish that for you, hunny.

I share my story with you, because you said you understood my last post. I have not taken much time lately to post, but I thought it just might be worth it to share this story with you.

Thanks for taking the time to read it. I wish you peace, love, good health, serenity, SAFETY, HOPE, and all good things,

P&L

October 16, 2006
5:02 pm
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armyleo
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P&L,

Does your nickname stand for Peace and Love? I just realized it after reading your post?

Thank-you for your story, so much mirrors me, yet you found a way out.

"Love from with" & "THe more we try to fix it that way, the more we are harmed. THe more we look for the solution from outside ourselves, the longer it will take."

These two statements caught my eye. I've copied them to my words of wisdom document. I started it yesterday, I've copied posts, that caught my attention and I want to get to later but today I can't because it's too hard or words written, from people which give me hope or just make me feel special. I hope this dosen't sound conceited. I'm hoping one day it will be an "Ahh Haa" moment.

Thanks for the support

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