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Mama, kroika, GG, Loving, Army....
October 16, 2006
9:50 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Just checking in to let you all know that I am still around and doing ok. I sat by and watched a very little of the beach party, but that was it. Could not partake in this one...Sorry about that. I just wanted to let you know that I am still here, and breathing. Just taking life one minute at a time, and I didn't feel like I could do that here. I needed to step back and think about what is going on in my life, heart and head. (Let me just say, that wasn't a pretty picture :)..) I do hope that you are all doing ok. I missed you all dearly...Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and I will talk to you all soon. Thank you all for your continued love, prayer, and support.

Mich

October 16, 2006
10:44 am
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ggfred4
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(mich), It's okay about the party. I do the same thing. Sometimes I just read threads and check up on friends, but don't have the strength to participate. Don't worry about it, okay?

Deal with yourself and when you need someone to talk to and share with, someone will be here for you. Just don't stay in that low place too long; climb out and move forward. I am trying that myself now. You know those "moving sidewalk, escalator things" in airports? I feel I am on one trying to move forward in life, but people are walking faster on the side of me and I am supposed to be going faster.

Mich, we can never give up, we must have hope. We cannot live the rest of our lives this way. Love you girl!

GG

October 16, 2006
10:50 am
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armyleo
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Mich -

thank-you for writting and letting me know how your doing.

I miss you too...Just take care

This site has kept me going, and when I see that someone cares, I know it will keep me going for the reest of the day

((((Mich)))) : ) I'm so glad you guys taught me how to hug!!

ArmyAngel

October 16, 2006
10:54 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG,

I copied all of my past today from my diary in libs and emailed it to my psychologist. I figured that was easier than telling it all again. I am in a rut, and don't have the traction to get myself out. The psychologist has not responded to my emails yet, as it has only been a short while since I did that. However, he has already suggested that we meet twice a week for a while. He is very concerned with my thoughts of suicide, and my not seeing the light at the end of my tunnel. I just feel like I have said all I can say, and you have all given so much advice, and most of it is the same. I just don't have the strength to pick myself up and do much with it right now. I am in a lonely place, and I am trying to dig myself out. It is just very tough on me right now. Things are so much a mess that I am not seeing right, and I need to start finding a way out of some of this. And I am scared of that, I am scared of facing my past, I am scared of how much my past is tainting the present and the present making me relive the past. I am really questioning if I am not seeing the stuff with my husband clearly because of the past, and maybe it isn't really as bas as I am seeing it. I don't know anymore, but I am drawing close to the end of my rope, theres about enough left to hang myself with. Just pray that things start to look up, in the meantime, hold me close and pray please.

Love you too honey, and thanks.

Mich

October 16, 2006
11:09 am
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ggfred4
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mich, I have been holding you and army close the last few weeks and will continue to pray for both of you.

Please fight, do not give up. The rest of our lives cannot be like this. The hard thing is, we have to climb out of those low places ourselves, but there are a lot of people here reaching out hands to help and hug you.

Will check back with you...((((Mich))))

October 16, 2006
11:25 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((HOLDING YOU CLOSE)))

October 16, 2006
11:31 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks mama,

I knew you would. I hope that I did the right thing by emailing my past to the psych. It makes me nervous. But what is funny, is that every step I take that I know is moving me closer to the right direction, I question highly. I want to get better, I want to be healthy, and I am doing it the best way that I know how. I will be ok, but this is going to be a LONG process. I think that I told you that the psych wants to see me twice a week for a while. I hope that is for the best. He did tell me that if it is too much that we can stop when I need to. I told him that I would see him eight days a week right now, if that would help. It is going to be hard and painful no matter how it is done, right? So lets do it quickly. So I can start to heal instead of continuing to hurt.

Love to you mama. Thanks again. Please keep holding..I need it right now.

Mich

October 16, 2006
1:06 pm
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armyleo
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Mich..

I am so proud of you, you wrote..

"I want to get better, I want to be healthy, and I am doing it the best way that I know how."

Keep repeating the words...

Since I'm new around here, how old are your babies?

October 16, 2006
1:15 pm
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ggfred4
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army girl, I know you did not ask, but since my babies are my pride, I want to share their ages. They will always be my babies...Ages 24,21(twins), and 18...Yes, the first two pregnancies were well-planned! The last was a miracle!

I am going to post a poem for mothers that I wrote, please read...

Prayed for you and mich today...

October 16, 2006
1:22 pm
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mamacinnamon
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gg:

How funny, my babies are 24, 21, 13. Does that say something about our age??

Sorry I wasn't available last night. Doin some intervention on the home front. Funny to share tho... I said to "B" and what about your babies. The 4 yr old stood straight up in bed and says Aunt Linda we are not babies anymore. lol. Told her she'd always be a baby to her mom. Kids know right when to say the darndest things.

🙂

Armyangel... hOW are you today? Doin good I hope.

October 16, 2006
1:27 pm
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ggfred4
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Hey mama, had a bad night last night, but sitting here at lunch at work, exhausted from so little sleep. Grateful some people were up though. Please read my little mother poem, you too army...

October 16, 2006
1:28 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Army,

My babies are almost 10, 5, 3, and 11 weeks.

October 16, 2006
1:30 pm
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armyleo
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mama,

I'm trying to be upbeat, I'm trying not to think about anyting, I'm burying it all for now. It works for a while, but some moments it's like my heart is going to burst...

Thanks for asking.. Sometimes I wished I knew where you were so I could go down there and ask for help..

ArmyAngel

October 16, 2006
1:37 pm
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ggfred4
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scared, there are a lot of us with 4 kids; kind of get picked on about having a tribe!!! Please read my mother poem, it is for all of you

October 16, 2006
1:46 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

You don't have to come find me to help you. I'm here. I can do my best over the air just as so many others here can.

I know you are not wanting to think on anything, but i want to share last night in a very brief form. "B" has 6 kids...17 (twins), 14, 7, 5, 4 (or close to that). 3 yrs ago she caught hubby "looking" at her oldest daughter (then 14, now 17). She hid her head in the sand honey. Now three years later she's a total mess. 3 more years of emotional abuse, 3 more years of guilt, 3 more years of not thinking she can do anything. 3 more years of hell coz she thought it would go away.

It doesn't go away honey, it escalates; it gets so much worse. "B" has had 5 of the 6 beg her to leave dad.

I never said the word "easy" honey. In fact what I told my friend is that IF you think in the least that you may go back then don't leave. Stay and endure the abuse and watch your kids act like you and he (totally). If you leave and you are gonna go back, a lot of the times it gets worse. When you leave he can no longer physically hurt you but he will make it as hard on you as he can. Blindly running doesn't work well in the end.

Plan honey, think of what you will do, implement the beginnings, etc. I know you don't want to think on this and I am not pushing you too. WHEN you are ready is when you will be ready. When you are ready to get serious we'll give you a list of what you need to do and get. "B"didn't listen... now all the paperwork she needed is missing. WHEN you are ready, you need to plan. Let me know. I'm always here for you.

October 16, 2006
1:58 pm
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jastypes
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Just chiming in 'cause I've got 4 "babies" too. They are 20, 19, 14 and 12.

jill

October 16, 2006
2:00 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG,

I read the poem, thank you. It was beautiful, and very true. You are great.

Scared

October 16, 2006
2:04 pm
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ggfred4
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wow, more with 4 kids! I have all 4 of mine in college...I am proud and broke!!!

Mich: thanks, I know it was very simple, but said what I felt

October 16, 2006
2:05 pm
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armyleo
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My goodness Mich you have a new born, and toddlers...

Oh!! no wonder some days are so hard..

(((Mich)))

October 16, 2006
2:09 pm
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armyleo
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Jas - Mine are 22, 16, 11 -

GG - seems like you had yours all at once, are any still at home?

October 16, 2006
2:15 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am having a very rough time right now, I will talk to you guys all later. Thanks again. Love to you all.

SCARED

October 16, 2006
2:17 pm
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armyleo
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Mama,

Thanks for the re-assurance, that you and others are here to help.

Funny, not until 2 weeks ago, did I let my story out...

I've always been brought up to keep everything in not tell anyone what's going on. Never ask for help...

Then my H always re-enforced the same thing, "family busines is family stuff" "only weak and pathetic people, go telling others their problems"..so I guess I find it hard to ask.

October 16, 2006
2:18 pm
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ggfred4
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army, what is ironic; told I might not be able to have any; went to fertility specialists and had two surgeries and all the other stuff to get pregnant the first two times...

Actually, you are brought up something I have not gotten into yet myself and guess I should. No one is at home as of 2 months ago. One is supposed to be, but I think she is lying to me and living with a guy. This is my child who is the most stubborn and smartest supposedly. She is on a full academic scholarship and she is with someone who does not value education, and is raised the opposite of her. I think she believes she can change him. I know he is verbally abusive and if it ever gets physical and I find out, watch out! Maybe she is codependent??? Army, I am so glad you asked me because I have not told anyone about her and that is some of the pain inside. Thank you sweetheart.

October 16, 2006
2:20 pm
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ggfred4
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Mich, it is okay to leave, but know our hearts are with you, okay? Come back when you can and talk to us, please...(((((((((((Mich)))))))))))))

October 16, 2006
2:23 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

Funny thing is, most of us codependents were raised that "family business is family businesss". I know those words all to well. My dad is a business man here in the small town I live in and it has always been that way. Don't tell. It's not wonder we suffer as we do. I still struggle w/ "don't tell" to this day.

Do tell honey. It is the one thing that will keep you sane. If you hold everything in you make yourself ill. I know. I have ptsd, fibromyalgia, severe sleep apnea and the list trickles on down. All started w/ ptsd; all are biproducts of ptsd (can be, also can be heriditary, some of them). This is one reason I do what I do; so others don't suffer as I did and always will. Mine is a life sentence... yours doesn't have to be.

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