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Making someone love you again
December 16, 2000
5:11 pm
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gingerleigh
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Greetings all. Warning… this is going to be a pretty long post. I need to vent.

I'm not really looking for advice, but perhaps some support. I’ve been with my partner for nearly two years now, and things started off marvelously. There were a lot of odds stacked against us… we lived in different states, we worked for the same company, he had children from a previous marriage that ended awfully, and there is a 17 year age difference (he’s older). We got past all of these things, and moved to be together.

That’s when things started to go wrong. I became more and more depressed, as did he. I felt used, taken advantage of both financially and emotionally, but never said anything. Day by day, he withdrew his affection; sex which used to be such a joy for us turned into a situation where I would beg and he would give in eventually and “service” me. This went on and on until I went away on a business trip and had a one-night affair with a gentleman from abroad. It tore me up inside, and poisoned me, and eventually my partner discovered the affair. Believe it or not, we managed to work things out, primarily by me walking on eggshells, never saying when I was unhappy, making my life revolve around him. I did everything I could to make it up to him, to be forgiven for my sin. I even paid off his debts (a LOT of money) and am allowing him to pay me back interest-free. He’s done so many other things to take advantage of me… I have to have the apartment and utilities all in my name because he can’t pass a credit report… he scraped the side out of my car when he was drunk and promised to have it fixed but so far hasn’t done anything to even get an estimate… I have to collect the mail and separate out his bills so that he will pay them… he proposed to me last summer, but as yet I have not seen a ring.

I make pretty good money, and I hold a position in a big company that is usually held by someone 10 or 15 years older than I am. He makes nearly twice what I do (nice fat 6 figure salary), and although he pays child support, he still brings home more than I do.

Completely miserable, I searched and searched the Internet and found this site, realized that I was codependent, and have sought therapy. I’m learning to focus on myself and protect myself. I still have to pay all the bills, but I don’t help him with his. I separate the mail, give him his stuff, track all of the joint expenses in a spreadsheet, and bill him monthly for his share, plus the payback amount for the $20,000 I lent him. I started to feel more stable, happier with myself, and was starting to learn to love myself again. I was meeting my needs! All my needs, but one…

I need to be loved by my partner. I need to be touched and kissed. I am a beautiful person inside, and I believe that I deserve these things. I am also a very attractive woman as well. My partner was still withholding affection, and whenever we would argue he would tell me that I was crazy and sick and that the problems in the relationship were my fault. When I would calmly try to explain that problems in a relationship are never completely one-sided, he would snap back that I was blaming him, and trying to cast blame, and not taking responsibility for my mental illness, that I was blaming sexual, physical and emotional abuse from childhood. I feel so unsupported.

Last weekend, I grew tired of being ignored and I went upstairs to pick a fight. I began to cry and scream and not make any sense whatsoever. I had to leave, go downstairs, and beat my fist into a pillow before I calmed down. Later, he told me how immature I had acted and that he was finding it harder and harder to love me.

I feel so unloved. I know that “I am enough” and that I shouldn’t need him to love me to feel happy. But it hurts me so much. He has serious issues too, I can see, but he is so much older and more experienced at hiding his feelings from others (and perhaps himself) and talking his way out of anything, I cannot work with him. He is not willing to change. He is NOT supporting me in my healing process, and I feel like that isn’t fair. When I tell him that I feel taken advantage of, he tells me that he feels taken advantage of because he has to live with someone who is so emotionally unstable. He said that simply by staying, he is supporting me in my healing process. Why can’t he just accept me and give me a hug?

Is everything really my fault? My head tells me no, and my heart sometimes screams no and other times waffles and says “well… maybe”.

Does anyone have any experience like this?

December 17, 2000
8:37 am
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rigo
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Well, not exactly but I am going through same sort of thing. My girlfriend ended our relationship on the basis that I was in stress I couldn't show my feeling for her etc. All were true, now I am trying to establish my lfe again. Well If it's any help, I can tell you that I still feel for her, but we both need time. As to your question, I think it would need time, and an effort from your partner, he needs to make the move, think about what went wrong, and write to us""

December 17, 2000
1:26 pm
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Molly
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Hey, since "they" believe I have a problem, lets find a nut farm, on a tropical island, with yoga, and sauna, and firm muscled men to give massages, eh, 2 for 1 package?
Sounds to me like you have maybe been relapsing in the codependent behavior, expecting from him, nagging him, wanting from him, and left with swollen eyes and appearing mental. Its a good sign of codependent relapse, takes one to know one. I think you should just focus on you sure it is lonely, sure you feel strange, but go to the movie, start a project, do some writing, but leave him alone, yea you gotta walk on some more eggshels, until you realize that it is not just you that is the problem. When you are more stable you will be able to draw the boundry line, that says I don't want to live like this any more and move on. Diseased people pick diseased people for partners, often it is that simple. Not that the disease isn't curable, its just hard, when only one takes responsibility for the behavior, and heck its not hard to make a person appear crazy, with all the books, all the acceptable behavior expectations, besides what a power trip for a control person, and it sounds like you are just handing it over. Be nice but don't get into the dance.

December 17, 2000
2:52 pm
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gingerleigh
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I like the idea of the tropical nut farm, with great big burly orderlies. Massage and pina colada therapy all day! *grin*

Thank you Rigo and Molly for listening. Just getting it out helps.

One really stabilizing thing that I am taking away from this is that *I* have the final say in this. I don't need him. I can throw him out tomorrow and I still have my home, my car, my job, and no debt.

Diseased people pick diseased partners... I wonder if by helping myself it would help him too. Oh well, interesting thoughts. Something to consider once I am further on the road to recovery.

Peace.

December 17, 2000
3:42 pm
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jwt
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He sounds like a jerk. It takes one to know one. I wish I had some great advice but I am just barely hanging on myself. If it helps, love seems to be a mystery for a lot of us. You are not alone.

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