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June 20, 2004
5:58 pm
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usrcwb
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have been married 12 years. I got married at 18. We waited until a year & half ago to have a child. Up until I got pregnant, my husband & I did allot of partying. Of course thru the pregnancy I quit, my husband slowed down. I decided to move back to the state we were both from as things had gotten so bad. He decided to come also, knowing that I wanted the drug use out of my life. I have heard so many times that it will stop & though it has slowed down it's not gone. I've made threats, ultimatums. I've gone to marriage counseling-alone, you name it nothing has worked. I have recently given him a letter letting him know that if he refuses to attend both marriage counseling & drug treatment that he will need to leave the house within 2 weeks. I told him I would not finance the move (he's not working) & if he couldn't afford to move then I suggest counseling. I still haven't got a signature, this was 3 days ago. I guess if by tonight he doesn't sign I should plan on moving out on my own with our daughter? I need some moral support more than anything, because I have a tendency to forgive & forget- classic coda.

June 20, 2004
6:32 pm
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usrcwb
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Anyone out there? What I mean by signature is that I asked him to sign something indicating he would go to counseling, if he stopped he would need to be out of the house in 48 hours. This was a big step for me. We have a child & I feel, a moral obligation to make this work for her sake. He's a great father, except for his destructive tendencies. I'd love to hear some input...

June 20, 2004
6:53 pm
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Anonymous
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Good for you. I know it isn't easy to set boundaries and that there are feelings that come along that make you want to take back what you have said. I comend you for standing your ground. You are giving him the message that you love yourself and deserve better and if he cannot give you this, then it is time for you him to leave because you are worth more.. It is very ecouraging.. I have a hard time sticking to what I say in my marriage because of all the feelings that get tied in as you go. So a congrats to you!!!
I also like what you wrote about you tend to forgive and forget. So true... We want so much to see the good yet we do have the responsiblity to be honest with ourselves...

June 20, 2004
7:07 pm
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usrcwb
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Thank you so much for the reply. I'm new to this site, I've never used a chat site before. It feels good to know others are going thru similar issues & it is nice to have some anonomity when talking. I will keep this "thread" posted on any updates. I welcome anyone else's story, opinion or advise.

June 20, 2004
7:10 pm
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Solong
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Hi - I'm newly out of a recovery program for codependents. Was just looking online to see what I'd find. I've left my husband (January) for the same reasons you are struggling with. Drug use in the home. This went on for years. But after I had my son my tolerance for it went down. I hit a wall about a year ago and finally, finally got the nerve to leave. Its the hardest thing I've ever done. And every day I have to fight the tendency to forgive him or believe it will get better. But the voice in my head says wake up - its been 10 years - it never got better. Just worse.

June 20, 2004
7:15 pm
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Solong
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The reason I went into a program was because I stuggle with alays putting his needs first. I've always put his needs before mine. But it became a lot more scary when I had a child to look after. I finally came to realize I was putting him at risk by putting my son's needs first. I now have to take the next step - which is to see a divorce lawyer. 6 months seperated and I haven't done this. This is really hard for me - I feel like I'm betraying him or abandoning a 'child' even though my husband is 5 years older than me. The last 4 years of the marriage he was unemployed more than 50% of the time. And his alcohol use skyrocketed. I know I'm on the right path. But it isn't easy. I'm currently looking for a good alanon group to attend to reinforce what I learned in my recovery program. If you ever wanted to change your life and your coping skills and perspective on life I could recommend this program. They teach assertiveness training, understanding emotions, anger management, setting boundaries, and learning to let other people help you (something most codependents seem really horrible with). I wish you the best of luck. You CAN do it -your needs ARE as important as his or anyone elses! Go for it!

June 20, 2004
7:18 pm
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usrcwb
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I commend you for finding the strength to leave. I really hope he will go for the treatment. If not I hope I'll have the strenght to do what you've done. I just starting going to college & I work full time so I feel like I can't raise our daughter without him. I know my mom will help, but I worry about her being in daycare so many hours a day when she's used to being at home with dad.

June 20, 2004
7:24 pm
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usrcwb
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I wish I had time for alanon. With school & work & baby, I don't see that as an option. We have so much in common. Since his drug use began my husband has had a hard time keeping & finding jobs. I worry about abandonment of my daughter in daycare as I'm gone from about 7:30am to 10:30 at night. Please stay in touch & let me know how you're meeting with the lawyer goes. I'm amazed at how many people get divorced & how easy everyone makes it sound. THIS IS NOT EASY!

June 20, 2004
7:59 pm
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FinallyatPeace
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The decisions we are faced with are not easy. I have been married to an alcoholic for the past 10 years. Our entire relationship has been built on drinking and my taking care of him. Last week I filed for divorce. It is not an easy thing to do, and each day it is a struggle, but for the first time in many years I feel at peace in myself. I can finally look myself in the mirror and know that it is okay to want to take care of myself not others. I wish you the best of luck and great strength.

June 21, 2004
9:56 am
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fairy99
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It's never easy to make such a big change in your life like that especially when you have children to consider. My hats off to you for finding the courage to stand up and say what you want to happen. My husband had a long road with addiction, but somehow we made it thru. It really boils down to what is the most important in you life, your family or the drugs and alcohol. Keep ypu chin up your doing the right thing, and welcome to the site. You can find alot of really helpful advice here.

June 21, 2004
11:55 pm
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usrcwb
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I am leaving him.
He ripped up my agreement I asked him to sign. I spent last night at my Mom's as he has no where to go.

I am giving my landlord 30 days notice & then I'm gone. He is planning on taking on a job in Alaska & he thought that by being away from drugs for so long should be equal to treatment. I told him that the day would come when he would be tempted & he isn't equiped to say no. He was high as a kite when I got home to drop of our daughter while I went to school. Will he ever change?

June 22, 2004
9:00 am
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rat
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Usrcwb-

First of all, let me say that I think you definitely made the right decision by leaving your husband. He will only change if he really wants the change. Stopping the use of drugs is only the first part of recovery; you are right that he needs treatment to help him cope and to be able to maintain recovery in a healthy lifestyle. I know this is so hard for you; I've been in a very similar situation. Take care of yourself and learn about codependency. It's amazing to learn that by focusing on taking care of ourselves, others may benefit more.

June 24, 2004
11:37 pm
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usrcwb
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Well, he says he's had a change of heart. He's still going to Alaska to work for a few months. I told him when he comes back he will still need to go thru treatment & attend marriage counseling. He said he understood.

Am I just wasting my time? I can't be pulled aroung like a yo-yo, but I feel like I have to give it a try for the sake of our daughter.

June 24, 2004
11:45 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi U.,

Although I'm not one to tout divorce, it sounds like when you made your decision, you were making perhaps the right one.

When one partner get's clean and sober is when it is really putting stress on the relationship. Sadly, him going to Alaska will not do anything for him - actually, it will give him space away from you, and he will more than likely find a new connection up there faster than I would be able to find the local grocery store.

Stick to your guns. Raising your daughter in that environment is not in her best interest.

Z.

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